by Abbye J Leen
How is it possible to feel something so intense towards another human being? How?
Ellie
39
Last days at UCLA
It's very early in the morning, it's barely even six, but I'm already up busy baking a cake for Noah. He’s still asleep in my bed, the same bed where he’s kept me warm all night. I pour the dough in a circle-shaped stamp and place it in the oven, then gather up the ingredients to prepare the filling with which I’ll be decorating my boyfriend’s birthday cake.
Tomorrow everything changes: final match, final classes and then our paths will be splitting for a while. I haven’t gotten an answer from MoMA yet, but luckily some of my professors sent recommendation letters to the museum’s directors, putting in a good word for me. I don't know whether that will influence their decision or not, but I’m extremely grateful for what they’ve done despite everything. I haven't told Noah about any of it so far, I wouldn’t want to get his hopes up for nothing. It would be dreamy to get accepted, not only career-wise, but also because I’d get to live in the same city as he. New York, aka The Big Apple...
I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it will be to be so far away, for him for so long. What if he meets somebody else? What if he loses interest in me? What if he forgets all about me? My heart aches just thinking about it, all these doubts do nothing but torment me and give me anxiety and I can’t get them out of my head. Jesus, I sound like a whiny teenager... The thing is, that over the years my feelings for Noah only kept growing and amplifying, but now I’m starting to wonder whether the same can be said for him. I know that he loves me, but he doesn't seem to be as terrified as I am at the thought of us having to separate. We have had to spend some time away already ever since he signed the contract with the NYG, if we consider all the tests, training sessions and friendly matches that he’s had to attend. It was great to watch him play professionally, I loved it really, especially when he’d look for me in the crowd after each victory.
"Hey, what’s up?"
My head was so high up in the clouds, that hearing Noah’s voice startles me.
"I didn't want to wake you" I answer nervously, turning my back to him again. I close my eyes for a second and take deep breath, trying to push my sadness away,
"I didn't mean to scare you, either" he says, stepping closer to me, wrapping his arm around my waist and then kissing my neck.
I will miss everything about this, I think to myself, but I say nothing because I don't want to show Noah how miserable and insecure, I’m feeling right now.
"Whatcha baking over there?" He asks, smiling.
He looks deeply into my eyes, as I gently press my lips against his, losing myself on the softness of his skin. When I’m about to move away from him, Noah pulls me back even closer. He kisses me passionately, running his hands through my hair and bringing my face closer to his. His tongue sensually slides against mine, his grip tightens and can’t do anything other than savor every single second that passes, they way I always have, from our very first kiss up until now. I think that every instant spent in Noah’s arms is worth making a memory out of.
"Come back to bed with me" he whispers maliciously.
"I’ll come, just give me a bit, I just need to finish d…"
"Ellie please, get back to bed with me", he pleads, putting his hands around my ass and pulling me closer, to make me feel his hard, throbbing erection. I’m breathless, because to have him inside of me has always been a priority for me, a very lovely and sensational priority, but I can’t indulge, not this once. I rub myself against his erection, taking his face into my hands and kissing him passionately one last time, knowing that if I don’t stop myself right afterwards the situation will get out of hand. Reluctantly I let go of him, then say:
"I swear, this won’t take long. I’ll come to you as soon as I’m done"
"Baby, I’d have no problems making you mine on this very table, amongst all this flour, sugar and everything else... it would be so sexy to see you getting all messy, unable to stay still under my forceful thrusts” he whispers, leaning in closer to me.
I’m both intrigued and excited, as I think about the fact that we’ve never really had the chance to do anything similar before, given the fact we both share flats with people who are always around, hearing and seeing our every move. He lifts me up and lies me down on the table, while I wrap my arms around his neck and he spreads my legs open, settling between them. Our lips look for one other inflamed with passion, our bodies interlock and I can feel his hands sliding under my shirt to thoroughly feel up every inch of my skin. The way he kisses becomes more ardent, more needy, more desperate. He eats my lips out as if there was no tomorrow and it saddens me to know that from tomorrow on, he won’t be able to do so whenever he feels like it anymore.
"Noah" I whisper, increasing the grip of my legs around his waist. I need him, I need to get rid of his clothes and enjoy the sight of him in all his beauty and so I do. As I’m taking his shirt off I wind up scattering flour all over the place, but that does not stop us, at all, we only keep craving each other even more, desiring our souls to become one and I want it. Just as much as he wants it.
"Oh come on! You guys, please!” shouts Emily, entering the kitchen. I separate my lips from his, but I’m still so excited that my body won’t stop tingling.
"Perfect timing, as usual" says Noah, smiling. Whereas I, instead, have lost whatever mental faculty I was sure I had up until a few minutes ago. I can’t speak, hear or see anymore, I just want him.
"You're obscene seriously, get a room! Ellie’s room, perhaps? Ugh, thank God these are my last few days here, I could have never eaten at that table again, for sure" she says, with a hint of a smirk on her face.
Noah looks at me, still smiling and I return the gesture. He kisses me once again, before I get ahold of myself and slide off the table, trying to get back to the frosting that I was trying to prepare, but he’s doesn’t quite look like he wants to give up yet. He slides his hand between my thighs and slowly moves it upwards, getting dangerously too close to the most sensitive part of my body. His touch is like a sweet torture, so hot, so transgressive.
He leans in closer, brushing his lips against the shell of my ear and whispers: ”I’ll be waiting for you in the bedroom, baby”. I bite my lower lip, as his warm breath gently fondles my skin and when he walks off, I get back to baking. I take the cake out of the oven and as I wait for it to cool down, I decide to clean up the kitchen. As I do so, Emily looks at me with a raised eyebrow:
“What’s going on?"
"Nothing… I’m fine!"
"I've known you for years now Ellie, I think I know when something’s up with you and I’m sure I also already know what this is about. Stop worrying so much, things will work out"
"Right. That's what everybody keeps saying"
"Noah loves you, he truly does. The way he feels about you is rare, pure and faithful, you know it. It's okay for you to be anxious, it’s okay for you to be stressing over it but trust me, things aren’t going to be anywhere near as drastic as you’re imaging them to be… and anyway, no one’s keeping you from going with him!”
"He never asked me to go with him" I confess, almost ashamed to be saying that out loud.
"I’m sure he will when the right time comes. This must be all pretty overwhelming for him as well, you know?"
"Woah, since when are you taking his side?" I ask, piqued. According to international friendship laws, I’m pretty sure what she’s doing is illegal.
Emily shrugs, taking another sip of coffee: ”Since I got to know him better, Ellie. I know you, I know him and I know the strong bond that you guys share. It’s going to take a lot more than just a little distance to break that, I’m sure of it" she says, giving me a kiss on the forehead, then heading back to her room, while I sigh once again. I know she’s right, if there's one thing I'm certain of is that the love between Noah and me is solid and special, one of a kind.
Both the c
ake and frosting are chocolate flavored, just how the party boy likes it. I cut up a slice, add a spoonful of cream to the side and then put a candle on top of it. I take in a long, deep breath, trying to push my thoughts away, as I head towards the bedroom… the same bedroom in which we’ll be spending our last two nights together. Good heavens, what was I saying about pushing away my thoughts?
When I enter Noah’s fast asleep, belly facing downwards, and my pillow squished into his arms. I smile, stepping in closer to take a better look at him. I observe his hair, falling softly on his forehead, his beard, slightly unkempt, his perfect, upturned nose and his plump lips, that I so badly wish to press my own against...
but I restrain myself. I want to fully admire the man I love a little longer, while I can.
Twenty-two. Today he’s turning twenty-two years old. It feels weird not to have Nolan around, this is the first one of Noah’s birthdays that he misses. He’s been pretty odd lately, I feel like there’s something upsetting him. I sigh for the umpteenth time today, thinking that if I had a dollar for each time I’ve done that lately, I would have been rich by now.
I light up the candle, then sweetly run my fingers through Noah’s hair, waiting for him to open his eyes, which he does just shortly after I caress him.
"Hey" says he, with eyes still bloodshot and puffy.
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." I hum and he looks at me, with a smile on his face as sincere as that of a child.
"Make a wish!" I say. He closes his eyes and blows out the candle, then pulls me closer to him.
"You're fantastic" says he, giving me a sweet kiss on the lips, as his stomach growls impatiently.
"Wow, this tastes amazing!" says he, taking another bite out of what turned out to be indeed a pretty amazing gateau.
"I know, I don’t mean to brag but..."
"I could marry you for it!" he says.
Marry me? My heart swells with joy, my face heats up and I must be blushing so hard right now, not out of embarrassment, but because of the intense emotion that hearing those words provoked within me.
"Not now, of course" he points out.
What a dick!
“Of course not... So, have you got any plans for today?" I ask trying to change the subject, as my heart deflates like a popped balloon.
"Yes, I do have a couple of things in mind... Things that I’d like to do to you" says he, setting aside the dish in his hands and drawing me into his arms. I might just ignore the fact that he was an asshole to me just now, but solely because I want to find out what kind of ‘things’ he’s talking about. He glides his hands under my shirt and from then on, it doesn’t take me much to forget why I was even angry at him in the first place.
"The only present I want today is to be inside of you" says he. My sense awaken ,all at once and a sudden shiver down my spine.
"Noah" I whisper, as he delicately runs his fingers across my skin.
"It took you a while to get back"
"I didn’t want to burn your cake" I say, sliding my hands under his shirt, lifting it up and taking it off. I look at him, at his stone sculpted abs, powerful pectorals and well-defined biceps and I am mesmerized, because he never once fails to leave me breathless. I delicately run my fingers across his tattoos, first on the anchor that I adore, moving on to the heart with pulses and my name underneath, that I absolutely love everything about, its meaning in particular, then there’s a football one and lastly a black band. I adore each and every single tattoo Noah has. I adore Noah, full stop.
"I want to get a tattoo as well one of these days" I say, completely lovestruck.
"Really?" He asks, taking my shirt off, then posing it on the floor and I nod, as he goes on to untie my bra.
"Yes" I moan, as he sets my breasts free, cups them and starts playing with my nipples.
"And where would you get it done?"
His touch is so pleasant, that I can’t think straight anymore... what was his question again?
I arch my back, as he moves his hands from my nipples down to my venter, holding and caressing my body wholly on his way down. I can clearly feel how hard he is in this moment and my excitement soars: I want him, right now. I run my fingers on his torso, sliding down the trail that his perfect V-shape leads to and winding up right where his desire for me externalizes most.
I grab Noah's neck with my free hand and pull him towards me. I want him to kiss me, to make me feel loved and protected in a way he only knows how, I want to feel beautiful, essential and important... And I want him to suffer, just like I do, at the thought of having to stay away from me.
"I want you inside of me, Noah" I whisper against his lips.
"Fuck, you’re driving me crazy I swear" he says, our bodies rubbing harder against one another. He’s making me wait for it, my desire is beyond imaginable and as he keeps kissing and touching me fervently, I can’t but as myself why he’s not inside of me yet.
"Noah please, I need it. I need you." I whisper and it's so damn true. I do need him, now more than ever.
He stops to stare straight into my pupils and there’s a gleam in his eyes, as he finally allows himself in. He enters slowly, almost agonizingly slowly and it’s the sweetest of tortures. As soon as the whole length is in, he takes it all out and then back in again, without ever taking his eyes off mine.
"I want to do this forever, for as long as I live - he says, hoarsely - I want to be inside of you, I want to love you, I want to feel you and I want to know that you’re mine and mine only”
I tighten the grip of my fingers through his hair and pull his face closer, as I listen to his wonderful words and continue to follow his moves eagerly.
"I love you" I whisper, holding back my tears.
"I love you too. Don’t you ever forget that"
***
Time goes by so fast, especially when you don’t want it to. We finally graduated and even if I’m over the moon about it, I can’t help feeling a little nostalgic. Noah and his college teammates will be playing their last match at UCLA this evening and from then on, everything will be different.
I take a look around, knowing that these are the very last moments that I’ll ever get to spend inside this flat: a flat that quickly felt like home to me, a place where I’ve cried, suffered, rejoiced and above all, loved. It was here that I cultivated amazing friendships, grew up as a person and developed my skills. It was here that Noah and I united and it was here, that Nolan, him and I often reminisced about the good, old days. Everything about this place, I will forever keep in my heart.
I try ward off the invasive melancholy and, conscious of the fact that there are so many more wonderful things awaiting me and the people I love most out there, I pick out an outfit and get myself ready to cheer for my splendid boyfriend all night long.
Noah
40
A touchdown is out of the question for us right now, so I sprint forward to score a field goal instead, trying to be content with the mere three points it’s worth. For some reason, I can’t keep my focus tonight. I keep looking at the stands, searching for Ellie, but I can’t see her anywhere and that’s making me extremely nervous and flustered. It’s not likely of her to be late to my matches, especially considering how important this one is, since it’s the last I’ll be playing UCLA.
I’m so scarce tonight and surely, I’m going to have to do so much more than simply pass the ball to running-back. I think back to my days in high school, when it was Nolan that I would always pass the ball to and I can't help but sadden at the thought. This is the first time ever that we won’t be spending my birthday together and this is also the first time that he’s misses such an important match of mine. I know that we have our own two separate lives, but it still hits me so hard to know that we’re drifting apart because of it.
I run straight ahead holding the ball tightly, as I jump the opposers that are trying to stop me. I keep running until I reach the perfect spot, so I charge, aim and throw, making precisely th
e ten yards that I needed to score.
"Yes!" I shout, before the referee blows his whistle, indicating the end of the first quarter. I look up at the stands again and there’s still no sign of Ellie, but I do see Emily, so I start calling her name out to get her attention. She doesn't seem to notice me straightaway, so I start waving as well, until she finally does. She looks upwards, walking down to the net that separates the field from the stands.
"Hey um, have you seen Ellie?" I ask, anxiously.
She remains still for a moment before answering, although the expression on her face isn’t promising at all.
"Last time I saw her she was over at our flat getting ready to come here... I’ll go check on her" she says.
"Emily please, come back here with her, okay?" I plead and strangely she doesn’t answer not a sarcastic joke, not a smirky grin, nothing. She simply nods, then turns her back to me and walks off.
The game resumes, but for the first time ever I don’t feel like playing, I’d much rather be out there looking for Ellie.
Emily
41
I sigh, as I make my way back to the apartment. I try to call Ellie several times, but she’s doesn’t pick up, so I try sending her a text instead, maybe she got caught up with something or maybe she’s just fallen asleep. Ever since she found out Noah and her are gonna have be apart for a while, she’s done nothing but wake up extremely early in the morning and when she’s not working, she cooks, which is extremely bad news for my hips and thighs, given how good she is at that too.
