by Abbye J Leen
Ellie bites her lip, an evident sign of the fact that all I’ve done with this conversation is hurt her even more, but it doesn’t matter, not this time, not when it’s her safety that we’re talking about. She looks at me and nods, then walks out of the door, failing to hold back the tears in her eyes.
Ellie
57
A year later
"From the bottom of my broken Heart" has become the new soundtrack to my life. It’s been a year now ever since Noah and I broke up and nothing within me seems to have changed.
"From the bottom of my broken heart… You were my first love, You were my true love, From the first kisses to the very last rose" the lyrics speak for me, this is exactly what I’d like Noah to know, what I wish he’d understand.
I try to push my thoughts away, while Emily drinks coffee and reads a sports newspaper on the couch in my apartment. She always does that when she comes here, I think it’s to keep an eye on Noah in my place because frankly I haven’t done that in a while, in the hope that sooner or later the phrase "out of sight, out of mind" will start applying to me as well.
What I admire most about Noah is his firmness. That evening, when he asked me to make a choice and I decided to leave, I became instantly dead to him. Not as if that’s never happened before, he dumped me several times throughout the years and not once did he ever look back. My hart ached for months, until at one point I decided that I simply couldn’t live my life that way any longer, so I rolled up my sleeves and did the best I could forget about the past and move on with my life.
I moved back to New York six months ago, not far from the area where Emily’s been living for the past year or so and I’m extremely thankful for that because having her near is one of the best things that could have happened to me. Tomorrow’s going to be a very important day for my career, the MoMA’s decided to dedicate an entire room just to my works and I couldn’t feel any more privileged and honored about it.
"Hey, Ellie, check this out" says Emily, showing me the newspaper with a frown on her face. I glance at the main headline and a shiver runs down my back immediately.
"Nolan Tylor has been released"
I quickly skim through the article: Nolan’s going to be released for good conduct, his psychiatric condition seems to have stabilized thanks to the new medical treatment he’s been given and this very afternoon he’s going to leave New York to reunite with his parents, whom in the meantime have had to relocate, because in Venice they were no longer welcomed by the community.
When I left Noah’s house for the last time and went back to Venice, I found out that even Amelia disagreed with my decision to drop the charges against him and after giving it some more though, I realized that I’d made a mistake allowing guilt influence my decision. Nolan is responsible for his actions, whether he was taking his medications or not, whether he has bipolar disorder or not. I had to do what I had to do, in order to stop him from hurting me or other people ever again.
"I really hope that he’s doing better" I tell Emily.
"So, how are you? I mean, you must be pretty excited about tomorrow!"
"I am, my goodness! I can't believe it's happening for real!"
"Never had a doubt about it" she says, smiling at me.
"Have you got any plans for tonight?" I ask her.
"No! Let's go clubbing?"
"Let us indeed!" I reply.
***
The place is crowded as hell. We slip in amongst the crowd trying to make it to the dancefloor, while a complete muscle head, or rather, nice to look at but nothing upstairs, is shamelessly trying to feel up Emily’s ass.
"Get your dirty hands off of me, asshole!" she squeals at him and I can’t help but laugh. Emily’s changed so much ever since we left college, she’s taken a lot of her piercings off and now she even wears clothes that are a different color than black, which is incredible, but of course her personality and temperament are still the same and I love that. A drink later and we’re ready to move, hands in the air and body moving like an uncoiling rope to the notes of "Sugar", like I hadn’t done in it years! We keep dancing and laughing, letting ourselves get carried away by the beat, when suddenly my heart skips a beat. Not far from us I see Noah dancing cheek to cheek with a curvy brunette. My heart starts pulsing and thumping frantically, my throat feels tighter by the minutes, my hands are shaking and so are my legs. Emily notices my facial expression’s sudden change, so she turns around to look behind her.
"Fuck" she hisses, while the girl continues to sexually and provokingly rub herself against my Noah.
I mean, against my ex, Noah.
I want to cry, and I want to get out of this place. I wish I was everywhere and anywhere else but here.
"Let's go" Emily screams, pointing towards the exit and I nod, while I try to get ahold of myself and un-drop my jaw. To stay here would mean re-opening an old wound and I just can't let that happen. I glance at Noah one last time before leaving and for a fraction of a second, our eyes meet. In that precise moment, time seems to stop all at once. The whole world feels like it’s breaking, crumbling apart around me. The way we are staring at each other seems to mean everything and nothing, at the same time. In his eyes I only see coldness, anger and God knows what else. Those eyes that once used to look at me so lovingly no longer exist and to see that destroys me. Emily drags me away while I’m still looking at Noah, who’s looking back at me back, holding the brunette tighter and closer against him. I should have just stayed home, I should have just kept staying in bed all day the way I did for almost a year because to find out that Noah’s moved on with his life is the worst thing that’s happened to me ever since we broke up.
There’s pain that we can overcome easily, pain that we can overcome with time, but the type of pain that comes from losing the love of your life, well, that simply cannot be mended. My heart struggles to keep a regular beat, as the tears that I'd promised myself I wouldn't shed start streaming incessantly down my cheeks. I’m sick and tired of crying, I'm tired of being delusional and I’m tired of hoping that sooner or later he’ll come back to me. It’s never going to happen, Noah and I are never going to get back together, because had he wanted to, we would have already. Had he wanted to, he would have come back right after finding out that I’d not withdrawn the lawsuit against Nolan. Had he wanted to, he’d have stayed by my side throughout the trial and I wouldn’t have had to face everything on my own and yet it happened, even if I was not expecting it. My Noah would have never allowed such a thing to happen, he would have never left me on my own.
I often thought about what would have happened if I hadn't walked out that evening. Maybe, if I hadn't hurt his feelings the way I did, he wouldn't have left me at all. I did try to pick up my pieces, I did tell myself to move forward, but I could never give up on the idea of us, I could never truly let go of him, because I still love him with my entire being and I will continue to do so forever. Suddenly my bedroom’s door opens, I quickly wipe away the tears on my face while Emily rushes inside, first she lifts up the blinds then opens the windows, allowing the bright light and fresh air to overbearingly invade the room.
"Are you out of your mind?" I ask.
"No but you sure must be, your exhibition’s in two hours and you’re a complete mess. Get up and follow me, now!"
"I don't think so!" I say, sniffling.
"You don’t have a choice" says she, jerking the covers off of me and pulling me out of bed.
***
I never though so many people would show up, I feel so grateful really, I couldn’t have asked for anything better. My only regret is that Amelia couldn’t make it, whenever she’s got any spare time at all she always has to spend it working at the hotel. Emily really did wonders for me this morning, entrusting me to a truly incredible make-up artist, Joanna, her friend and owner of one of the city’s highest rated beauty salons. I don’t know how, but she miraculously managed to conceal the fact that I’ve been crying all night and made me even look
decent in the end. As for my outfit, I’ve decided to keep it simple and elegant by wearing a little black dress, that perfectly wraps around and highlights my curves, with a pair of antique-rose vintage heels and a matching color handbag. I can never thank Emily enough for her kindness, if it wasn’t for her I would have still been in bed by now, busy feeling sorry for myself and letting my life go to waste.
As I walk around, I notice two art critics standing in front of and carefully scrutinizing what I still consider to be my best piece yet and they’re taking notes, too. I just can’t believe that there’s going to be an entire article about my exhibition on the New York Times tomorrow, I feel so, incredibly honored and excited about it.
My mind is suddenly invaded by the thought of what it would feel like to have Noah here by my side, sharing this special and important moment with me, but given that I don’t want either this evening or my make-up to get spoiled, I decide to firmly push my thoughts away and simply enjoy myself instead. I notice Andreea walking towards me, he’s looks even hotter than the last time I saw him, always so tall, muscular and powerful. He smiles, looking at me with his bright, black eyes, then says:
"You look beautiful", wrapping his arm around my hip and giving me a kiss on the cheek.
"You’re too kind" I reply smiling, but once again my happiness gets suddenly and brusquely interrupted when I see Noah and the brunette standing behind Andreea, who detects the sudden change in my facial expression and turns around to see what caused it. The lump in my throat feels tighter by the second, the two nod at each other, before Noah boldly advances towards us. He looks different... he looks nothing like the sweet and caring boy I grew up with.
"I just wanted to congratulate you" he says, with an attempt of a smile on his face, while the brunette holds onto his arm tighter.
"Thank you" I reply, wishing that I could add that he shouldn’t have bothered coming all the way here, really. He glances at the girl and automatically she leaves his side, without him having to even say a word and it hurts me, to know that a stare is enough for the two of them to understand each other, it’s further proof of the fact that things are serious between them.
From the way she’s dressed, I can tell that she’s a cheerleader and that can’t but leave me wondering… why? Why did he go for one of ‘them’? Why did he choose exactly for the type of girl he’d always tell me he’d never be interested in?
"That’s one of my cheerleaders" he says, tilting his head in her direction. I look at him, raising my eyebrows and nodding, before also deciding to answer.
"Who would have thought!" I reply, sarcastically. A small chuckle escapes before he can suppress it, but his mood immediately changes the moment his sight falls on Andreea.
"How are you?" He asks, at last.
"I'm fine, Noah. Thanks for asking" I reply, stiff and he nods. It’s a rather awkward and strange conversation, the one that we’re having right now. A conversation that I never thought I’d have to have with him.
"It was nice seeing you, good luck with everything" he says.
I nod and unable to speak any longer, I hasten to get away from there. I glide past the many people admiring the paintings, some of them are criticizing and some of them are praising, but in this moment nothing at all seems to matter anymore because my mind is completely taken over by the thought of Noah and his new partner. Why does it still hurt me so bad, when it took him very little time to move on and forget all about me? Forget all about us?
I don’t want sadness to take control of me, but I still need to be on my own for a moment. I grab a Champaign glass from the waiter's tray and gulp it down all at once to ease up my nerves, then head to the MoMA’s storage room, the one where brooms, detergents and all sorts of cleaning items are kept.
"Hey!" I hear. I turn around and can't believe it... it’s Cris!
"Cris! What are you doing here?!" I ask, hugging him kind of awkwardly. He looks much taller now, sturdier and overall a lot more attractive and good-looking than I remembered him to be.
"I also play for the New York Giants now, they recruited me about six months ago"
"Oh, that’s good! I had no idea. I don’t really keep up with football anymore" I admit.
"That’s understandable"
"Hey, Cris! What’s up man?"
I turn around towards that very familiar, yet estranged voice and he’s there, watching us with a defiant look on his face as usual. I look at Cris again and smile, then say:
"It was a pleasure to see you, thanks for coming"
"As it was for me and congratulations by the way, your paintings are all breathtaking!" he says, hugging me again, before I thank him heartily one more time and leave.
It's pitch black in here. Never did I think that I would have spent one of, if not the most important day of my life, voluntarily locked up and hidden in a dark, cold storage room, trying to run away from my ex.
I breathe in and out quickly, wondering where the hell Emily is right now because I am in desperate need of her. I walk up and down the room nervously and I’m on the verge of crying, as my eyes slowly adapt to the darkness. I keep breathing heavily while I fan my face with my hand looking up at the ceiling, trying and stop myself from feeling as if I were about to choke. The door slightly opens, allowing a faint light to gradually spread through the room. I immediately wipe my tears away and try to get ahold of myself, it might be the MoMA’s director and I’m pretty sure he’d fire me if he saw me in a storage closet crying in the middle of my very own exhibition… or maybe he’d invite me to seek a mental health professional, which frankly I wouldn’t blame him for.
I take a look at the silhouette making its way inside the room and my heartbeat rises, just as much as my urge to cry. Noah is stupendous as usual, even if still I can’t see him well because of the darkness, although I do know that he’s wearing a dark blue suit with a matching colour tie and a light blue shirt... What? Of course, I checked him out from head to toe earlier on, a beauty like his cannot certainly go unnoticed. He closes the door behind him, and I remain absolutely frozen, completely unable to speak, my breathing switching from automatic to manual.
Silly, silly Ellie! I keep telling myself.
I can perceive his presence behind me, I can feel just how close he’s gotten to me, but he seems hesitant. He’s not speaking, but I can still feel his warm breath against my neck. When he gently puts his hands around my waist and holds me closer to him my heart skips several beats, when he roughly spins me around to face him, I’m pretty much convinced that I’m going to faint and when he pushes me up against the wall, imprisoning me under his body, I feel alive again. I can hear our hearts violently hammering within our chests and his breath getting closer and closer to my face, until his lips, warm, soft and very familiar, meet mine at last.
I enjoy the moment to the fullest, forgetting all about the reason as to why we haven’t heard from each other in over a year… because there must have been a reason, right? A reason that in any case I’m not going to think about right now because my mind is too busy being completely invaded by Noah and how much I’ve missed him. I slide my hands up his neck and through his hair and hang onto it, as our tongues collide softly. It’s a slow kiss, not an impatient one. It’s a kiss that the both of us simply want to enjoy and cherish. It’s a kiss that somehow, tastes like love. He groans, in a very guttural and raw manner, as he keeps touching my body thoroughly, holding me tighter and closer by the second.
Out of the blue he stops and moves away from me, we’re both out of breath as he lays his forehead against mine, then whispers: ’Christ’. Without adding any other words he turns his back to me and leaves, slamming the door hard on his way out. He just leaves me there, upset, angry and above all incredulous because to think about it, even if it didn’t last long, I was his side-chick there for a moment. Still lacking any sort of mental sanity whatsoever I decide to head back to the exhibition, there’s still a lot of people around and out of all of them, I happen to come ac
ross the director, Mr. Lowry, who’s busy praising me and my works with some of the visitors. I take a deep breath, move my hair out of my face and then walk up to them, as if nothing were, nonchalantly joining in on the conversation.
Noah
58
Karma? Destiny? A mere coincidence? I have no idea, but ever since last night I’ve fallen back into an abyss of sadness, an abyss from which I’d just barely managed to get out of. Barely yes, because if you have to keep fighting against yourself and feelings to pretend that you’re better, then how truly over it can you be?
How could she walk out on me? Besides, how stupid was I to give her such a drastic ultimatum in the first place? As if I didn't know her, as if I didn’t know that she never would have accepted my compromise, if it meant doing the wrong thing for her at the time. I should just have been more patient, I should have given her more time to think about things, seeing that she didn’t even drop the damn charges in the end. I can’t stop blaming myself because I should have done things differently, but I also can’t stop being angry at her for the way she very easily and carelessly left me… left us.
The thought of having to see her pierces my heart, nevertheless I couldn’t have missed the most important day of her life for any reason whatsoever. I know how hard she’s had to work to pursue her dream job at MoMA and now that she’s finally made it, the right thing to do was come here to congratulate her about it, even if we aren’t together anymore. Her pieces are all fantastic, one in particular catches my eye, showing a couple kissing under the Eiffel tower. The amount of detail is incredible, it’s crazy to see how she manages to give life to things using her own two hands, creating unique and astonishing pieces each time. I wonder whether she ever did go to Paris after our break up, realizing yet another one of her dreams without me and I wonder how many more she’s yet to fulfil that I probably won’t ever even know about. I shouldn't have kissed her, I voluntarily put myself in this position. This chaotic storm of feelings that’s going on inside of me right now, I was the one who caused it, because I could have simply fucking asked about Andreea and her and I didn’t, I just left her like the coward I am, without saying a single word.
