by Sonya Weiss
Today, I’d dropped Mark off at his friend’s house, stopped by the hospital, gone on to work my shift, picked Mark up, stopped by the hospital again, came home, and cooked. Then I would have to clean the kitchen, straighten the house, toss in some laundry, and try to get Mark to go to bed. Tomorrow, the same cycle would begin all over again.
Mark grabbed the cereal from the pantry and I took it from him. “I said no.”
He slammed the bowl he’d dug out of the counter onto the table so hard that it cracked along the side and threw the spoon into the sink. “You suck at cooking. You suck at cleaning and you suck. You said mom would come home. You lied. You’re not supposed to lie. You suck.” His hands balled into fists.
“I’m doing my best.”
“No, you’re not. You said Mom would be okay but she’s not home!”
“Mark, you have to understand—”
“I’m not supposed to understand. I’m the kid.” He started crying and yelled, “I’m the goddamned kid!”
I started crying, too. “Mark, I’m sorry.” I reached for him, feeling awful, and he moved away. “Why don’t you talk to me?”
“What for?”
He started to leave the kitchen and I grabbed his arm. “Mark, please talk to me.”
“You don’t hear me.” He shook his head and pulled away. “I want Mom.”
“Mark, wait, come back. You have to eat. I’ll let you have the cereal.”
“I don’t want it now. You can’t make me eat and I won’t until I’m sick and then I’ll be in the hospital with Mom. She’ll want to come home if I’m with her.” He slammed into his room.
If things were this hard now, how much worse were they going to get if this cycle kept on going? My boss had been great about working my shifts out so that I didn’t have evenings but he’d made it clear he needed me to get back on my regular schedule. I wouldn’t have anyone to watch Mark if I had to work evenings. But I had to do something or we weren’t going to eat.
Pushing my back against the wall, I slid down until my butt bumped the floor. I wanted to call Brooklyn or Shelby but I knew they were both busy with their own drama. They didn’t need mine. Taking out my phone, I scrolled through the contacts. I needed to talk to someone. Dad. What a joke. I should erase his number. Mom’s number came up in the contact list and I froze.
Fingers shaking, I pressed send and listened to the phone ring until her voicemail picked up. Her cheerful voice poured across my starved heart, telling me to leave her a message and she’d call me back. “Hi, Mom. It’s Tana. Um...I don’t know if you can hear me, but I could really use your help. Mark hates me. The sink in the bathroom is leaking under the counter and there’s damage—”the beep signaled I’d run out of time.
Crying now, I redialed her number and after her voicemail message went off, I started talking again. “I keep thinking that if I had gone out to get the salad dressing, you wouldn’t have been the one to get shot. Mark would have you here instead of me and you would know what to do, you know? Everyone keeps telling me how sorry they are but it doesn’t matter. Oh, Mom. I only wish—” the beep sounded again and I dropped the phone into my lap, burying my head in my hands.
The doorbell rang. Scrubbing my hand down my face as if that would hide my swollen eyes and red nose, I went to see who it was. Brooklyn had taught me to stand to one side of the door whenever someone knocked or rang the doorbell. That way, if anyone shot through the door, I wouldn’t get hit. I had a lot to learn about life on the streets.
Ryan was outside. I yanked open the door, pushed aside the screen, and threw myself into his arms. My lifeline back to shore.
*
RYAN
“Hey.” I tried to pull back from her to find out what was going on, but Tana clung to me and wouldn’t let go. Unable to help myself, I’d stopped by to check on her and was glad that I had. Soon, I wouldn’t be able to be near her at all. I held her as I maneuvered us into the house and closed the door. Her body shook with sobs as she told me Mark hated her, and her mother’s voicemail kept cutting her off.
Rubbing my hands up and down her back, enjoying the feel of her in my arms, I said, “I’m here.” I held her until she quieted and raised her face toward mine.
“Could you stay the night with me?”
My brain screamed at me to say no, to keep a distance growing between us so I could let her go when the time came, but I ignored it. “Sure,” I said, knowing it wasn’t what she really needed because I wasn’t what she needed. “What’s going on?”
“Mark hates me because I can’t bring Mom home, I can’t cook and he’s sick of eating the crap that I try to make. The sink is leaking. I’ve been trying to pay the hospital plus all the bills here and we never have enough money for groceries or anything else. I need to get back on the evening shift because the tips are better and I don’t know what I’m going to do with Mark. There’s no one to watch him and he can’t stay here alone. I don’t have a car because the police still have it.”
“Slow down, honey.” I wiped at the tears rolling down her face. “All of this stuff is fixable.” I frowned as her words sunk in. “How are you paying the hospital bills?”
“I paid it already. I used my college savings.”
Her college savings?
“How much of it did you use?” I pressed.
“Seven thousand dollars. It’s everything I had saved.”
I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. I knew how much getting out of this place and making it to college meant to Tana. This financial fallout in her life was my fault, but maybe I could help fix some of the consequences caused by what I’d done. I could make sure I squared the hospital for any future costs and I could get her college money back. I knew a way to make an easy grand a night.
I would talk Juvante into setting up a few bare knuckle boxing matches. Though I was a champion with 24-0, the fights weren’t something any of us had bragged about. They were underground because they were illegal. People got hurt, some of them permanently. “Don’t worry. I’ll think of something.” I looked around the room. “Where’s Mark?”
“He’s in his room.”
“Mark doesn’t hate you. I’ll talk to him. Get ready and we’ll go to the store and I’ll buy some groceries.”
She sighed. “I didn’t tell you all that’s going on to get you to spend your money on us.” She lifted one side of her shoulders. “I only needed someone to vent to.”
“Well, you’ve got him. Now get ready.”
“I think I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have asked you to stay the night. I can’t lean on you because—” She stopped as if realizing she’d said too much.
“Because why?”
Starting over, she said, “I talked to Brooklyn. She hinted that there were some pretty bad things in your past. I’m afraid to lean on you because I’m afraid your past isn’t finished and maybe there are things you should tell me about what happened to my mom, but you haven’t.” Licking her lips, her eyes searching mine, she put her hand on mine and said pleadingly, “You can tell me anything.”
I could lie to her, give her the reassurance she sought from me but I couldn’t. I held her gaze. “I’ll talk to Mark while you get ready.”
Tana lowered her head and sighed, then walked off. My hands closed into fists. I wanted to punch a wall, but I didn’t. I’d sworn I’d never let my emotions rule my actions. I’d never let anyone see when I felt hurt or pain or fear. That control gave me a reputation as a cold bastard, but I’d seen what happened when men who weren’t in control of themselves flew into a temper. The innocent always paid for that. I would never be that kind of man.
Tapping on Mark’s bedroom door, I waited until he said it was okay to enter.
“What happened in here?” His room was neat with not a single toy out of place.
“I thought if I kept my room clean and I was good maybe Mom would come home.” He shuffled his feet. “But she didn’t.”
Shit. I took a seat on
the end of his bed. In the bean bag chair across from me, Mark looked small and lost. “This isn’t your fault. The world is a seriously fucked up place and sometimes, shitty things happen to good people. It doesn’t make sense and it hurts like hell.”
“You used the five dollar word.” He tucked his legs under him. “You have to pay the swear jar. It got really full whenever Mom talked to my dad.”
I pulled some ones from my wallet and passed it over. He turned the bills over in his hand and said, “I tried, but I can’t be the man of the house. I don’t have a job.”
I smiled at that. “You’re doing fine.”
“I fought with Tana.” He told me about their argument.
“Sometimes, a guy eats stuff he doesn’t like and he keeps his mouth shut when he’s mad even when he’d rather yell and slam doors.”
“Why?”
“Because a guy should always try to be nice to girls.”
Mark thought that over. “I’m not really mad at Tana.”
“I know that.”
He held up the dollars. “I want to buy Mom some flowers.”
“We can do that on the way home from the store.”
His eyes lit up. “Cool. Can I drive your car?”
“Sure.”
“Really?”
“In about eight years.”
“That’s not funny.” He climbed out of the bean bag chair and dug a pair of shoes from the beneath the bed. As he pulled on a pair of socks, he sent me a look from the corner of his eyes. “How come my dad doesn’t want me?”
I knelt in front of him and put my hand on his shoulder to give him a gentle squeeze. His simple question hit me hard. How many times had I asked myself a similar question? Only mine had been “How come nobody wants me?” I propped his foot up on my knee and started unthreading his shoelace to thread it correctly. “You’re a lucky, guy, Creature.”
His face tightened and he pulled his lower lip in as if he were trying not to cry.
“You’re lucky because you’ve got Tana, your mom, and me. That’s three people looking out for you. Three people who love you.”
Hopeful dark eyes met mine. “You love me?”
“How could I not love you? Now c’mon. Give me a bump.” I held my fist up but instead, Mark rushed me, wrapping his arms around my neck, squeezing tightly. For a brief second, I didn’t move. Then I hugged him back, reaching in some small way, the little boy I’d once been.
Chapter Seventeen
TANA
Later that evening, an hour into the second watching of the Avengers movie, Mark fell asleep on the sofa. His head lolled back against the armrest and the bottoms of his sock-clad feet were pushed against the side of Ryan’s leg.
I lowered the volume on the television and whispered, “I can take him. He should probably get into the bed.” The warmth from Ryan’s body so close to mine had been a sweet torture. If I shifted ever so slightly, I could press into him, but I didn’t risk it. If he pulled away, I would feel colder than I had since Mom was taken to the hospital.
“He’s not bothering me.”
I didn’t turn my head toward Ryan when he spoke. I couldn’t bear to see the intensity of his beautiful eyes. “We have to be up early and he gets cranky if he doesn’t get enough sleep.”
“I’ll carry him.” In one easy motion, Ryan was up and had my brother lifted in his arms. He went down the hallway to Mark’s room and I came in behind him to pull down the blanket. As Ryan eased Mark onto the bed, he stirred, mumbling in his sleep.
When Ryan reached to shut off the lamp by the bed, I stopped him. “He doesn’t like the dark anymore.”
Ryan nodded, and we left the room, leaving the door slightly open so that I could hear Mark if he called out to me. Both of us started for the bathroom at the same time and we ended up bumping against each other.
He reached out immediately to steady me and I grabbed his muscled forearms. We both froze, statues of awkwardness. “Um...you go ahead,” I whispered.
His throat worked. “I was planning to take a shower before I went to bed.”
My gaze shot up to meet his and the day we’d been in the shower together rose up between us. “S-Sure,” I managed to get out. I lowered my eyes and tried to remember to take in slow, measured breaths.
“Tana...”
Afraid to speak, I leaned forward until my forehead rested against his T-shirt. He smelled like fresh air, sunshine and motor oil. I smiled at that and slowly looked upward when his hands framed my face. His gaze locked on mine and a thousand brilliant jolts of awareness zipped through me. Of their own free will, my lips parted.
He closed his eyes and lowered his arms. “I’m sorry. I can’t.” The words sounded as if they were dragged from him.
“Can’t what?” I slid my hands to the waistband of his jeans, easing my fingers beneath the edges to touch the smoothness of his abdomen.
“Can’t do this,” he said in a husky voice. He moved, a slight shift, but enough to bring his body against mine. I reveled in the hard strength and desire spread through me quickly.
“Please,” I whispered.
“Hell,” he muttered, then abruptly lowered his head. His lips moved on mine with fierceness, with a desire that had no restraint.
I wanted him to make love to me with the same wild abandon. I raised my arms to wrap my hands at the back of his neck, urging him to keep kissing me. He sucked on my lower lip before he let go to light fires across the side of my neck, only stopping when he reached the end of my shoulder. He pushed his hand into the side of my bra to find my breast and lifted it up out of my bra. Sliding his thumb across the nipple, he choked out, “So damn perfect.” Then he shuddered, raised his hands to my shoulders, and guided me away from him. Holding up a finger, he said, “Stay there. Please.”
“What’s so wrong with being together?” I hated the pleading in my voice. I knew I wanted to make love with Ryan again, but part of wanting to be with him was the sense of safety I found in his embrace. And I wanted him to feel the same about me. That we were each other’s light in the darkness.
He shook his head and turned his back to me, bracing himself against the wall.
“Okay. So you don’t want me. That’s cool.” I started to head into my bedroom but Ryan whipped around fast and grabbed my arm.
“Is that what you think? That I don’t want you?” His laughter was harsh. “All you have to do is take a look at the front of my jeans to disprove that thought.”
“Then why’d you stop?”
He clenched his teeth together, then forced out, “You want a relationship and I don’t do relationships, Tana.”
I reached for his hand and held it against my chest. “How can you say that? After everything we shared?”
A struggle of emotions flitted across Ryan’s face and his shoulders stiffened. “After what we shared? I was your first. I won’t be your last.”
I let go of his hand and stepped back. “You make it sound like it meant nothing to you.”
He shrugged. “Do you want me to tell you that it did? I will if that’s what you need to hear.”
“Oh my God, Ryan.” I slapped a hand against my forehead and failed to choke back the bitter laugh. “You somehow always manage to knock me off-kilter. I don’t understand how you can say you want me but still push me away.”
“Us being together was only supposed to be about sex. It’s not my fault that now you want to make it something other than what it was. I was up front with you from the start. I told you all of this already.”
I wouldn’t dare let him see how much his words hurt me. If that was the way that he wanted it to be, fine with me. An inner alarm warned me that something was off with the way Ryan was acting, but I was too tired and hurt to figure it out. “If that’s the way you want it to be, then fine. I’ll need to leave the house tomorrow at noon to get to work. Can you leave the garage and be here for Mark by then?”
“Yeah. I’ll grab some of my stuff and stay here to help ou
t with him until your mom comes home.”
I didn’t want Ryan here and yet I needed him. “Fine. You can have my room. I’ll move into Mom’s. Go ahead and shower. I’ll grab the next one.” I headed toward my room to get some pajamas and resisted the urge to look back over my shoulder. Because if I looked back at him, I would probably do something even dumber like tell him how I felt about him and plead with him to love me back. I couldn’t do that. If I did and he blew me off, I’d crumble and I was done crumbling. I would pull my shit together and I would take care of Mark. I would take care of Mom. I would make it even if I had to cry myself to sleep every night until I stopped thinking about being with Ryan.
*
RYAN
The stinging cold of the shower did nothing to take away the raging desire I felt for Tana. I hated pretending, hated acting like being with her had meant nothing to me, but it was for the best. The hurt on her face had nearly undone me. I’d almost reached for her and told her that she was the one girl I’d do anything for. But if I did that, if I let myself have her in my life and she got hurt because of me, I wouldn’t be able to handle that. Letting her hate me was easier even if I did feel like my heart was being crushed into liquid.
I wasn’t stupid. I knew she cared as more than a friend. It was obvious in the way she looked at me and in the way she reacted when I touched her. I thought about her, dreamed about her and longed for her but that’s all I’d ever have and for her safety, I would make it be enough. She needed a guy she could be proud of. One who didn’t have a history that might blow back on her.
Leaning forward, I held my head under the spray of water and let it wash away the day, wishing that I could wash away the pain just as easily. I thought of Mrs. Shaw’s tired smile. The way her eyes shone with love whenever she’d talked about her kids. I pounded my fist against the side of the surround. There was something I needed to do. I finished the shower and quickly dressed in a pair of sweatpants and T-shirt I’d left at Tana’s house before. Grabbing my cell phone, I called Juvante and asked him to watch over Tana’s house for a little while. He instantly agreed.
