Suddenly, he sank to his knees next to the chair and Goldie’s bed. The suddenness of the gesture took her by surprise, as did his closeness.
“She’ll get better. You’ll see.”
“She doesn’t get sick that often, if at all. All those years I would be away on business, Clara had her and I never knew what she’d been through or what to do. It was all my fault. Clara slipped away from life because I wasn’t there.”
She squeezed his hand. “That can’t be true.”
“Yes. I cared too much for making money, for making the game a success. I had to give her this house, these things, to make sure that my wife and daughter didn’t have to live in poverty.”
“There’s nothing wrong with hard work.”
Jay scrutinized her with his hazel eyes. “There is if you neglect the ones you love.”
Something warm washed over her in that moment and she put down the rag.
She let go of Jay. To focus.
“Why are you here?” Jay’s question came out as a whisper, but it echoed loudly in a room that was usually filled with the laughter and voice of a young child.
“I want to help.”
“Why? In my world, people do for themselves. They don’t want to help.”
“I do,” she reassured him.
“That’s very unusual.”
“I love her too.”
“I guess I can see that. Thank you for taking your job so seriously.”
She gave him a severe look. “Goldie is more than a job. She is a beautiful little child I’m glad of the time I’ve spent with her.”
“And what will she do when you go?” Jay asked her. Just that directly.
Why did he press her? He had his daughter to think of, she knew but he was pushing a button inside of her. His questions were like a wound that you kept messing with. You just had to know if you were healing—or not.
“I’m not planning on going.”
“Not even when your sister disapproves of me? She doesn’t want you working here. She practically threatened to throw you out if you came back. And you did. Are you here just because Goldie is sick?”
“What do you mean?”
“What did you decide?”
Several emotions passed over her face. “I had decided to just continue on with the school and not come back. Before this.”
Again, a whisper, but her words hit him hard, almost like a punch in the stomach. “Why weren’t you going to come back?”
“I-I love Goldie.”
Nettie looked away from him, but Jay had to force the issue. “That doesn’t make sense. You weren’t going to come back because you love Goldie?”
She breathed out. “I wasn’t coming back because I was getting too attached.”
“But now you are here.” The duplicity of her words struck Jay like another blow, even though he knew she was not capable of lying.
“She needed me. I was wrong for thinking of going away.”
“It’s not right for you to play with my daughter’s emotions.”
Nettie shrank back in her chair, almost physically shocked by the accusation. “I’m not playing with her emotions. It’s hard for me to be close to a situation like my own.” She sighed. “I was sick in bed a lot as a child. Goldie, at least, has had a chance to run and play. That wasn’t me. I didn’t even get to go to the schoolhouse until I was nine.”
“What was wrong with you?” Jay’s heart softened just that much more and he marveled anew at the effect Nettie had on him.
“No one knows. I would just be very weak and have to be taken care of. Whatever it was, it caused me to lose my hair.” Nettie touched the bun at the back of her neck, as if to reassure herself she still had hair. “And it meant that I developed a closer relationship with God than a lot of other people usually do.”
“I see.”
“When I saw you and you said Goldie was sick, I was taken back to those days. I knew I had to do whatever I could to help Goldie. Because I love her.”
He watched as Nettie reached down and caressed Goldie’s little, hot face.
“Thank you for that.”
“And I guess I have you to thank for making me realize that abandoning Goldie was wrong. This child has been put in my path for a reason and I have to honor that.”
“I appreciate that. But I’m her father and I have to protect her from being hurt.”
“I know. I wouldn’t hurt her for anything.”
“So, when your sister said she wanted you to stay with her, it hurt Goldie’s feelings. She cried all night. I think it compromised her health somehow.”
Nettie sat up. “You cannot believe that my sister saying things in front of Goldie caused her to be sick. Ruby would never hurt a child.”
“No, not intentionally, I guess. But she hurt my daughter and I won’t have that anymore. That’s why I asked you what you decided. So, you can go now.”
“I don’t want to leave.”
He felt a muscle in his jaw twitch, a sure sign his heart was being ripped in two. “What do you mean?”
“I was wrong. I was wrong to decide what I did.”
“I see.”
“Please let me stay.”
They heard a little moan from the inert figure on the bed and his attention shifted to Goldie.
“Stay, Daddy.”
“Yes, honey. I’m here.”
Goldie’s little face winced and it about pulled him apart. “Miss Net. Stay too.”
He looked over at Nettie. “Well, Goldie says she wants you to stay. I guess you win. I understand now you didn’t have anything to do with Clara’s death. But know this. No one, I mean no one, plays with my little girl’s heart and gets away with it.”
There. He’d put his best swagger out. He expected Nettie to be intimidated. Most people were when he turned on his serious voice. However, he could see that she was clearly not impressed.
“I’m not in the business of hurting Goldie.” Nettie took up the cloth and wiped at Goldie’s forehead. “I’m here, honey.”
Watching someone show such care for his child was more than Jay could watch. He stood up to walk to the door. “I’ll go chip up some more ice.”
“Fine.”
What would it take to get Nettie to leave them alone now? It had to be a mighty thing. He was not in the habit of denying Goldie anything, because she had been through so much in her young life.
He wouldn’t deny her Nettie. He just had to figure out how to deny himself and still be able to tolerate Nettie being around without falling further in love with her. Jay did not like confusion in his life and this woman represented more than he could bear.
Nettie wiped Goldie’s feverish brow and blew out a breath. She didn’t like being under Jay’s scrutiny, and when he walked out of the room, she sagged and knelt next to the bed. “There, little Goldie. Rest. You need to get better.”
“The pageant.”
“Don’t worry about it. We need you to get better. That’s what matters.”
“Don’t leave.”
Nettie wanted to cry at the usually talkative girl being limited to so few words because of her illness. “I won’t, sweetie. I’ll stay as long as you want.”
Goldie gave a little smile and closed her eyes. “I get.”
“I get?” Nettie was confused.
“I want.”
“You want?”
“You. Mama.”
The child did not have to use complete sentences to be understood. Her heart pounded fast. “Oh, honey. Just lie back and rest. You don’t have to worry about anyone being your mama.”
“I want—”
“Shhh.”
“You. My mama.” Goldie’s eyes flew open again, seemingly searching for that one spot in her throat that was causing her pain. To avoid i
t.
Nettie knew that so well. To want to be able to talk, but your body won’t let you, as if your soul were trapped. She gripped the girl’s hand to give her strength, and settle her down at the same time. “No you Solly house.”
“Shhh, Goldie.”
“Live here. Be my mama.”
Nettie lifted her gaze to the shadow at the door. Jay Evans stood in the doorway, holding a bowl of chipped ice. He had heard every word coming from Goldie’s lips.
Chapter Twelve
Nettie wanted him to think she hadn’t heard what Goldie said, Jay could tell. She retrieved a small brush on Goldie’s nightstand. “Want to look pretty, lovey?”
Goldie nodded and Nettie began to undo the braid on Goldie’s left. “She’s delirious,” Nettie whispered.
He came into the room with the bowl and put it on the nightstand. He couldn’t feel resentment about Nettie taking up the task; she did it so much better than he did. It was just one more thing, one more way, that Nettie was, whether she knew it or not, using her wiles to pull him out of a deep, dark hole that he hadn’t even known he was in. Nettie was pure light, and she illuminated everything.
“What did you say?”
Nettie brushed gently, so as not to increase the pain that Goldie was obviously feeling. “She’s…delirious. She’s saying things she doesn’t know. She’s out of her head.”
His heart thudded in his chest. How could this be happening to his little girl? He knew lots of Negro children, lots of them, who didn’t make it to adulthood. What made him any different? He believed that because Goldie lost her mama and he lost his wife, somehow he could bargain and be left alone. That was not the way it worked.
Jay went and sat in the chair Nettie had vacated as she worked quietly, using a jar of grease to help ease the dandruff on Goldie’s scalp since they could not wash her hair just now.
“What did you say, Gold?” He leaned over.
“She needs her rest, Mr. Evans.” Nettie gently applied the goo to his daughter’s scalp.
He knew, but he had to hear his little girl, to know if she was out of her head. “I’ve got an ice chip, Gold. Come on. Talk to me.”
Goldie’s red, feverish eyes held his, and she opened her mouth like a bird for the ice chip.
He reached into the bowl and leaned forward, rubbing the chip over her lips. “Let that cool water go down your throat and tell me what you want, baby girl.”
Goldie did as she was told and a sheen of the ice water appeared over her rough little lips. It took another ice chip before Goldie cleared her throat.
He was all ears.
“Mama. Nettie. Mama.”
Jay pulled back from his daughter.
Nettie smoothed down the braid she had just refashioned, and stood to go to the other side of the bed to rebraid the one on that side. The side away from Jay. She settled herself to her task.
“She doesn’t understand.”
“Goldie may be seven, but there is a lot that she understands.”
His heart did a little flip at Goldie’s request. Nettie be his wife? Was it possible? No. She knew him for a sinner and she thought he wasn’t good enough for her. Besides, he had no idea how she might feel about it, and he was not up for rejection just now. Not when Goldie was so sick.
“I need it, Daddy.”
He was heartened to hear Goldie speak an entire sentence. Maybe she was getting better. “Get rest, Gold. Go back to sleep.” He patted Goldie’s hand and sat back in the chair.
As Nettie back past him to attach hair ribbons on the other side of Goldie’s braids, he could see her slender form move beneath the heavy, old-lady clothes she wore, and something stirred inside of him—strange feelings he had not felt in a long time.
Everything, nearly all of him, got poured into policy, and there was little time for anything else—just Goldie. Now, Nettie and her light had brought more to him, had made him want more. The desire inside made him nervous, but seeing Nettie move across the room—with her old-timey, near floor-length dress, her graceful neck and the beautiful, heavy black hair gracing its nape—Jay wanted her.
God, please help me with this desire.
Even as the words formed in his mind, he felt ridiculous. He didn’t want Nettie to be afraid of him, but he didn’t know what else to do. He hadn’t approached a woman, any woman, since he dated Clara seriously about ten years ago, so he was woefully out of practice. Maybe Nettie was right to decide to distance herself from both of them. He would let her know that just as soon as Goldie was better. That might help.
“Adam didn’t say delirium was part of her illness. Maybe I should go get him.”
“She’s not out of her head. Goldie…” he had to smile, “…my baby girl always knows what she wants.”
“She’s asking for her mama and her mama is not living.”
He shook his head, delighted in spite of himself at Nettie’s interpretation of Goldie’s words. “She wants a mama, not her mama. She knows her mama is not alive.”
“A mama?”
It was now or never. “You. She wants you. To be her mama.”
Something twisted in his gut at Nettie’s possible rejection of him. Already. He was ready for Nettie to become snobbish or haughty at the news that Goldie wanted her for a mama.
Instead, she looked frightened.
Did he frighten her? Immediately, Jay prepared to apologize.
Nettie held up a hand. “I know that could never be.”
“Never? That’s a long while.”
“I could never be someone’s wife.”
“You mean my wife. Because of what I do.”
Nettie fixed her attention on closing the tin of grease and tying up Goldie’s hair ribbons. “There, lovey. You look wonderful.”
“I want you to answer me, Miss Garnet Bledsoe.”
“I will, Mr. Evans.”
He was relieved, even though his heart thudded hard at the thought of her possible response.
She turned to him. “I told you before about how I was sick as a child.”
“You did.”
“That sickness in my childhood left me with some problems.”
His heart twisted at what her suffering must have been. Suffering had caused Nettie pain and he would not wanted that for her. Ever. “What kind of problems?” He had to know. He wanted to know all about her.
“Female problems. Deep inside.”
Jay almost physically flinched, but he had not been a policy man for all of these years for no reason. He had seen it all, heard it all. “What kind of female problems?”
“The kind that means that no man will ever want me for a wife.”
“Is that it?”
“Isn’t that enough?”
He had not expected that she would, or could, turn on him and be this kind of angry. “I’m sorry for prying, Miss Nettie. I had to investigate for my daughter’s sake.”
“I understand.”
“Even though I don’t really know what you are talking about.”
She stood up and faced him from the other side of Goldie’s bed and whispered, “I cannot have children.”
“I see.” Now he did see. He felt a pain twist in his heart for her. Anyone could see in the way that she treated Goldie and the other children at the church school that Nettie was a natural mother. She would be wonderful for some fortunate children that she would never bear. “I’m sorry to hear that, especially if you wanted children.”
She shook her head. “It all worked the way it should. I’m meant to serve in the church.”
“Excuse me, Miss Nettie, if I don’t agree.”
“What?”
“Let me see if I understand what you are saying.” He stood and moved to her.
“Okay.”
She seemed wary at his movement, but he had t
o know—Jay wanted to understand everything about her. “You were sick as a child. You don’t know why, but you must have gotten better. You’re here.”
“Yes.”
“You had some problems. Female problems that meant you cannot have any children.” He watched her dip her graceful neck in shame and it was a posture that did not suit her.
“Yes.”
Standing over her, he put a finger under her chin. He did not realize that he was touching her until it was too late. And he wasn’t sorry he had, because it brought all kinds of warmth to his body. “And that’s what makes you unsuitable for a man?”
She lifted her chin off of his finger. “That’s right.”
“Nonsense.”
“What?” Nettie seemed genuinely confused.
He was not. “Who told you that? Someone in the country?” He tried to be funny about it to get her to see how foolish it all was, but she didn’t smile at him.
He watched Nettie search her mind, go back through memories, ones that were obviously painful, where Nettie was told that she didn’t measure up. He didn’t like that she had such memories, and Jay was determined to confront whomever had told her such nonsense. Might have been those religious people she had hung around with.
Nettie shrugged her slight shoulders. “My parents, my sisters. I don’t know.”
“Your family told you that jazz?”
“It’s not jazz.” Her voice rose somewhat as she stared down at Goldie who was resting peacefully.
“Yes it is.”
“All men want their own children.”
“Maybe some. But some others who have their own children already might just want a woman.”
“Some, but—”
“When you’ve been on the streets as long as I have, you see so many children who are already here in the world who need someone like you.”
“Not in Winslow.”
“I mean here in the big city, Little Country. Haven’t you seen that since you’ve been here? At the church even?”
“Yes, but sometimes I want to be like other women. To experience the miracle myself.” Tears rimmed Nettie’s large brown eyes.
“Did you ever think about it in another way, as a blessing?”
“How could being barren be a blessing?”
A Treasure of Gold Page 14
