Will how is this helping? My brain screams at me. Focus on now, focus on what happened tonight. You’ve done things that will not blow over; you have to deal with them. You can run away tonight but tomorrow is a different story.
I try to clear my head. Holding my breath always seems to help. I don’t know why, I guess it feels like I’m so much more centered I suppose. I inhale, pushing my lungs to their tar laced limits, and hold them there. I stop walking, and close my eyes. The wind winding through the treetops. Too high for me to feel, but I can hear it, flowing through the upper most parts. My heart pounding through my chest. Keeping an almost perfect beat to the wind, my own little melody.
How did this happen?
Forget her, she’s just a stupid girl, I console. If she doesn’t see the obvious future you two would have then she doesn’t deserve it.
You can’t just pin this all on her. Technically she is trying to preserve what you to have.
Ya but at the expense of what could be?
Girls are weird.
Yeah, but not that crazy.
I feel my lungs plead for air, I release in a large gasping breath. Light headed I open my eyes to lights coming from behind me. I turn just in time to watch Grace’s car pass by. Stomping on the breaks she comes to a complete stop. Hide, Hide! Every cell in my body screams at once. Not sure why but I listen to them. I turn left running off the path into the woods.
O God she had to of known it was you. Who else is walking around at two in the morning?
But she’s drunk, maybe she won’t remember. If she did see you just think of a lie tomorrow, you can’t talk to her in this condition.
I duck down crawling into a bush, as she slowly comes back, stopping right where I was standing.
“Will?” She yell’s but it sounds like more of a question.
Thank God she’s not positive at least. I lay in silence as she begins to slowly pull away. Picking myself up out of the bushes, an instant blood rush to my head. Nothing’s changed. I’m still that little boy hiding from scary monsters. Albeit monsters with vaginas now, but I guess they can be just as scary. I turn and continue stumbling home.
CHAPTER…
I really haven’t thought about my parents lately. Nothing good ever seemed to come of it. I remember it was sunny that day. The light glairing through my window sending swirling light and dark reds with hints of yellow through my eyelids. My mom doing her weekly routine of begging me to go to church.
Always starting off the same way. A light as inoffencible as possible knock on my door.
“Will, are you going to church this week?” The words almost whispered through my door.
I remember laying there, cursing her for trying to save my soul. Pausing, waiting for a reply knowing it will never come. The sound of her footsteps through the paper thin walls as she retreats only to comeback a few minutes later. My mother the human alarm clock, complete with snooze and everything. I was already up when she would ask, but there was no way in hell I was going to that God forsaken church of hers. Where there are so many retired old farts that when we have communion half the people can't even kneel down to take it.
Every week it was the same old thing anyways. Please forgive me for being an asshole. Please help me not be an asshole this week. Please let INSERT OLD PERSONS NAME hip surgery go without complications.
Now I know how this may come off, that I do not take church seriously. That I’m a die and go straight to hell atheist. It’s actually quite far from it. I believe there has to be something that started this all. I mean if you can look outside your window and say this was just all by chance than we probably aren’t going to have much to talk about. I don’t have a calculator but just the shear probability of such a situation as the one we see ourselves in has to have quite a few zeroes in it. But, I’m no Jesus freak either.
I roll over onto my back the sun’s rays piercing my eyelids through my blinds. God dam it, billions of miles away and yet the sun gets a direct hit every morning.
Something was different that day though. She never came back for round two of getting Will to church. Huh, I shrug in my bed hearing them leave out the front door towards the car. Maybe she was just tired of arguing with me? Who knows they were probably just running late. I roll myself to the side of my bed dropping my feet over the edge. Now that the enemy had left the house I could watch TV in peace. I stumbled out of my room down the hallway into the living room. The TV already on, playing what I like to call the Jesus channel with a note on top. Welcome to church it said with a smiley winky face on it. A smile cracking my lips. God my mom was crazy.
A boisterous black man is on the screen dressed in a black robe. He’s a charismatic guy who obviously practiced saying God in the most over the top, emotionally stirring way possible. And GGGOOOODDDD came down, and GAWD sacrificed himself, And Gaaawwwddd forgives your sinful ways. I quickly changed the channel to news before my soul got saved.
I remember sitting there thinking my parents where later than usual. Than all of a sudden a cop rings my door and life as I knew it ceased to exist. I mean, there I was just a few hours ago pretending to be asleep so I didn’t have to argue with my mother, and now I will never be able to again. It… it’s like nothing was real. That I couldn’t trust my own senses. That what was happening just simply couldn’t be. I had lost them. Not only had I lost them, but I didn’t even consider to try and make an effort to be with them more.
A strong breeze hits my face chilling the tip of my nose, bringing me back to reality. And now look at me. Jealous of my best friend because he was able to get the girl I’ve fawned over for the last year like it was nothing. Just a hey beautiful and she melts in his arms. She melts in his arms and another piece of me melts away.
I feel my mood swinging for the fences as I turn onto my street. It’s all your fault; it’s all your fault Will. You could have saved this, but you didn’t. You just think you’re so dam funny, where’s your sense of humor now, huh? You’re nothing now. Just a loser living in your parents’ old, about to be foreclosed on house, doing nothing with yourself. And when you finally get the balls to make a move it was too late. She was already gone. You’ve lost, in every way possible. Have fun living with yourself.
My blood rising as I slowly go over every stupid thing I’ve said, or done to impress her. I’ve turned myself into a circus act, but I never seemed to realize that nobody fucks the clown. My phone vibrates in my pocket but I ignore it. I know who it is. She’s told you her deepest secrets, she’s seen you at your worst and now all you get is a phone call and what could only be an excuse. I believe the term is call a sure thing, and you couldn’t close; you talked yourself out of every opportunity until it was too late. You did this, it’s nobody’s fault but your own.
I walk up my steps into my house. Slamming the door behind me, I quickly turn to it. Bam, Bam hitting my head against the reinforced wood of the door. BAM, progressively getting harder the door giving almost nothing with each blow as my brain bounces off the front of my skull. Bam, “stupid,” I yell, Bam, bam “stupid,” bam “stupid,” Bam… The room goes dark.
CHAPTER…
Complete blackness engulfs my every sense. No sights, no sounds, no light, nothing to smell, or taste, I feel nothing. What a terrible thing. Void of everything that just a second ago surrounded me. Like the pit I’ve had in my stomach ever since that fucked up day. Finally reaching out, taking over my chest, my heart pumping nothing but emptiness into my arms and legs and worst of all my head. Wait, wait there’s a light. A tiny soft distant spec on what feels like an infinite horizon of nothingness. Slowly it falls to me, growing slightly its light barely reaching past its center, as if the darkness is instantly sucking it away. Finally coming to a rest it flickers just feet from me. Reaching out my cold, shivering fingers wafting through its middle. Huh it’s… it’s like a candle but no stick. A tiny flame floating in midair, I feel its warmth penetrating my chest. Slowly shrinking the voi
d throughout me into tiny little bite size pieces. I stare into its center, it’s quite entrancing. The only thing to see yet I feel no need for anything else. Grabbing for it again, I want it, I need. I want this incredibly fulfilling sight. My hand moving straight though again.
“God dam it fuck you and come here.”
I swat at it. The flame starts to grow, not in size, but starts to fill the air. Like the dark surroundings have finally been filled, no longer able steal from it. Looking to now fuzzy yet visible surroundings, my eyes adjusting to the light. It’s a room. A very small, very clutter room. Wait, what? I’m in the break room at work I think. Yes it defiantly is. I try and look at the shelves, but everything is an undefined shadow of itself. I know they’re cups and paper bags but I can’t tell what’s written on them, just a blur.
“Hey are you alright?”
A voice echoes from just out of reach of the growing light. My heart jumping into my throat. I can’t see whose talking but I know his voice sounds familiar.
“I’m fine I think, do you know what’s happening?”
The light getting brighter filling almost to the corners of the room.
“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” He asks again in a soft comforting voice.
“What? I told you I’m fine,” I feel myself starting to get annoyed.
“It’s alright, you can tell me. I’m a good listener.”
“What the hell man I told you I’m fine.” I stand up and turn the corner,
“What’s your problem, maaa…?” My throat caving in on itself. I see two people. I see me more specifically, my arms wrapped around Grace. She’s crying. This looks familiar, I’ve been here before, I think it’s called déjà but this has to be quite a serious case. Wait I know this, her boyfriend just cheated on her, yeah that’s right. She just found out and I’m trying to console her.
“No, Will what are you doing? Don’t hug her, let her go.”
I watch as Grace’s tears soak into the collar on my shirt.
“You know your deserve better,” he whispers into her ear.
“How could this happen? Three years and he cheats on me, what did I do?”
“No that’s where you’re wrong Grace. I know you pretty well don’t I?”
She silently nods.
“Don’t say it. Don’t you fucking say it. Will, It’s not worth it!”
“Well since I know you so well I have to tell you that you are easily the most amazing, incredible person I’ve ever met. That even if someone just takes your order at a restaurant the time the get to have you there makes them the luckiest person on earth. If he is too dumb and too blind to see this than you’re better off. You need someone worth your time. Someone that will care about you that will cherish you. I know you and you are someone to be valued and sought after, to be chased because compared to you the whole world is nothing but an empty shell. A cold dark byproduct of evolution. Don’t let one asshole make you think any differently.”
She smiles.
“I want to hear you say it, right now, say it.”
“Say what?”
“Before I can let you go I need to be certain that you know just how special you really are”
She pauses, gathering her thoughts. “Well, if I’m getting this correctly you are currently the luckiest man alive right now.”
“Dam straight”
She smiles rolling her eyes as she pulls me back into her.
“You’re an idiot! You God dam idiot.” I yell at myself. Walking up to them the light flickering between each footstep. They have become frozen, intertwined, like I’ve paused a movie.
“What did you think would happen? HUH WILL!?! Cause I can tell you! She’s going to call you, crying just like she is now.”
The light begins to slowly fade; I feel it more than I see it.
“And you will be there for her, you will be her emotional doormat in shining armor. That’s all you are, that’s all you’re going to be, and that’s all you deserve. You get attached and she fucks your best friend!” I scream.
“And what are you going to do about it?”
The light almost completely gone as I yell at silhouettes. My rage, anger, and self hatred boiling.
“Nothing, you do nothing. She will slips from your arms and you will let her. You deserve this.”
In an instant the light goes out. Darkness once more. Complete emptiness, it’s odd, as if the earth has moved without me. I’ve been left behind, a tiny little creature floating endlessly though absolute emptiness, not even the stars seem to care about as they’ve left me too.
“WWIIILLLLL,” a girl’s voice floats softly to me. “What cha dooiiin?”
Her melody like falling snow slowly covering, wrapping itself around me as I breathe it in. It’s here again. My candless little candle flame.
“WWWIIILLLL” It calls once more. It’s siren song irresistible. Reaching out I cup it in my hands. Finally letting me pull it in, bringing it to my eyes entranced I stare.
“Will?” it asks, “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I breathe out blowing away its flame like a dandelion in the wind. Falling and floating all around me the embers slowly sifting into the distance becoming the night sky.
My eyes open. I’m on my living room floor head throbbing. I look up to see my front door with a hole just about the size of my head. God, I would just like to personally thank you, I know how to appreciate a fucked up sense of humor as much as the next guy. But for once I would love to stop being the butt of a joke for once. Please? Just for a little while, just bring me a little happiness. I would appreciate it, amen. Rolling onto my stomach running my fingers through the thick brown shag carpet I claw myself to the couch. My heart pounding what feels like buckets of blood through the new lump on my forehead. I close my eyes, inhaling to my lungs limits and hold once more.
CHAPTER…
I feel the sun on my eyelids as they slowly open. A piercing pain behind my left eye, as if it’s trying to push its way out of its socket. Putting my hand to my forehead rubbing it. Jesus, rough night I guess. I slowly turn from the backrest of the couch looking to the brand new seeing head hole in the door. The sun poking through. God dam what the hell did I do last night. It’s a complete blur with just bits and pieces and vodka shots floating to the surface with an overwhelming sense of… oh I don’t know, I can’t describe it. It feels like that part in some scary movie where the idiot protagonist hears something in the basement. And as soon as he starts to walk down the stairs to check it out, the door slams locking behind him. Right at that moment. That, I have just fucked myself feeling. I’m trapped and it’s my fault for being an idiot protagonist. I slide onto my stomach. The image of me trying and failing to fight last night thumb tacked to the wall of my skull. What should I do? People are going to ask about it.
A tiny, little something catches my eye next to me on the couch. It’s a bug, an insect, I can tell by the legs. There’re six, plus if it even looked like a spider I would have instinctively killed it already. I just stare at it, fat, kinda chubby, with red and black looking paint on its back. Kind of an off brand ladybug. Pausing from its walk lifting its antennas they float back and forth.
What the hell do those things do? I wonder as I slowly take off my shoe, raising it above the little guy. Do they smell? Or feel? Or help them see? I stare perplexed. One thing I do know is that they defiantly do not detect giant ten and a half size shoes of death that are about to rain down hell. I dig my shoe into the couch. Surprisingly squishy it’s guts and brains and nerve endings and internal organs streak across the white felt, a massacre. I’m a murderer. God, what if that happened to us? What would you do if you just were walking from the store carrying the milk for your cereal and low and behold some massive shoe comes careening down squishing your neighbor? It’s got to suck to be a bug.
Reaching for the remote I flip on the TV it’s already on CNN.
CNN: In the face of growing p
olice opposition a mass of about 400,000 protesters have flooded the docks here in Oakland. Where just last night the scene of chaos and bloodshed which added twenty nine more lives to the death toll. Twenty five of whom where civilians and four police officers. This no longer appears in any way to the mostly peaceful protest we witnessed just a few short weeks ago. People have brought sticks, are throwing rocks, molotov’s, and fireworks. Obama has declared a state of emergency, hinting that if violence persists all options are on the table including dispatchment of military units. Here is a clip of the presidents’ latest address to the nation.
The TV switches to Obama standing in the pressroom of the White House. “We have a well tested, tried and true system of governance. We must protect those rights of not only the protesters but also the rights of those that have been broken by them. We will not allow Oakland and several other major cities to be the twenty first century Los Angeles riots. You have the right to protest peacefully. But, you must do so with respect to the authority of those serving behind a badge. I ask everyone going to the docks today or any other occupy rally, to not bring weapons of war but an idea that we can solve this. That your voice will be and has been heard. I will do everything in my power to right those who feel they have been wronged.”
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