by CJ Azevedo
“Unfortunately, we can’t really say Bailey. Every patient is so different when it comes to these kinds of things, it can really go anywhere from twenty-four hours to a couple of weeks. We just don’t know at this point.”
“Ok, so then what do we do? Just sit here and wait?” I ask in disbelief because I need to do something. Anything.
“I’m afraid that is your only option, yes.” She gives me a minute to accept her answer. “But Bailey, there’s something else I need to talk to you girls about. It’s the main reason I was hoping to get you in here before the doctor left.”
“What? What is it?” Well that just increased the anxiety that has been my constant companion lately.
“We should probably wait for Cheyenne and Daniel to come back in.”
“No.” My head starts to shake with force. “No, if it’s more bad news I would rather tell her myself, she doesn’t handle these things well, as you can see.” Talon leans in and kisses the side of my head, just in front my ear. Letting his lips linger for a minute, he has me beginning to relax again. “You are amazing,” he whispers for only me to hear. My eyes flutter closed at his words for a brief second before Linda brings me back into the present.
“Ok then. Your Dad went to visit Dr. G about six months ago due to some discomfort in his chest. During his visit, he asked to sign an advanced directive.” I know what this means. He has talked about it several times since my mom’s death. Without my brain telling my body to, I fold over at the waist, placing both hands on my knees. I try to catch the breath that has escaped me momentarily. Talon is half holding me up and half massaging my neck and shoulders. He’s whispering to me but my vision is darkening and I’m too busy fighting it to be able to focus on his words.
“Bailey?” Linda is squatted down in front of me with a wet cloth. That brings me back to reality very quickly. I pop up and my left hand searches for Talon’s and my right clutches my chest as I rub vigorously trying to ease the tension that has settled there.
“He signed a DNR,” I breathe quietly. I don’t have to ask, I know that’s what she is telling me. I am so pissed at him for doing that without talking to me about it first, without giving me the opportunity to make him see he was making a mistake. All I can think of right at this moment is that I am so thankful Daniel has already taken Cheyenne out of the room. This would have been her breaking point.
“He did sweetie.” Linda is nodding with a solemn look on her face.
“What measures is he allowing to be taken?” I am in robot mode now, ask the right questions, process the answers, and find a solution.
She rubs her face, which is not a common tic of hers that I have noticed over the last week. She answers after a small pause and a deep breath.
“There are none Bailey. He wants nothing at all done if his body begins to fail and he codes.”
I nod my head as I bite the inside of my bottom lip and swallow hard. I feel like if I talk right now, I will vomit immediately.
“I’m sorry Bailey, if there are any other questions you think of or if there is anything I can get you, please don’t hesitate to call me.” She leaves Talon and I standing at the foot of my dad’s bed staring at him. I have always admired my dad and I still very much do, but what he did by signing that Do Not Resuscitate form was So. Damn. Selfish.
Talon pulls me around into his arms and rubs my arms. He kisses the top of my head. “Are you ok, love?” I still don’t feel like I can talk so I nod my head into his chest. “Is there anything I can get for you?” I know I need to pull it together and get prepared to tell Daniel and Cheyenne.
I clear my throat and look up at him. “Yes, actually I would love some coffee. Would you mind grabbing me a large cup?” I know this isn’t a normal reaction and I can see on his face that he was not expecting this from me at all. “Of course babe, anything else? Have you eaten?”
“No, nothing else. I’m good thanks.”
Talon’s face is full of sympathy. “Ok, I’ll be right back.” I manage somewhat of a smile but my eyes are back on my dad in that bed.
CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR
BAILEY
Talon and I are sitting on the window bench, drinking our coffee. Not talking very much. He’s just holding me and I’m just letting him. I look up to find Cheyenne and Daniel walking back in. Cheyenne’s face is red, her eyes are swollen and she still has small catches in her breath like a child gets after throwing a tantrum.
“Feeling better Shy?” I ask as I get up to hug her. She holds on tightly and takes a real deep breath; she releases me as she tells me she’s doing better and thanks me for giving her a few minutes. Talon offers them both the coffees he bought before pulling me back down by his side. I figure now is as good a time as any to tell them about the DNR form. I look to Talon to gather some strength and brace myself for the reaction I am sure to receive from Cheyenne. Talon gives me a small smile then kisses me before I turn back around.
“So… Linda told me that dad went to see Dr. G about six months ago. Did you know about that Shy?”
“Yeah, he said he had a checkup. Why?”
I wet my dry lips with a quick swipe of my tongue. “Because he went in with chest discomfort.” Clearing my throat, I try to steady my voice and be strong for my sister. “While he was there he asked to sign an Advanced Directive, Cheyenne.” Cheyenne lets out an audible gasp and tears prick at my eyes. I hate to make her cry again, but there is just no other way around this and now is not the time to be putting off things like this.
“What did he put in the Advanced Directive?” Daniel asks.
In unison Cheyenne and I respond, “DNR.”
“Why would he do that? He’s too young to sign a DNR.” He really looks shocked.
“Ever since mom passed he has said he didn’t want to linger. He wouldn’t lie lifeless giving us false hope, that he couldn’t put us girls through that again,” I quietly answer him.
“BECAUSE HE’S A SELFISH ASS! THAT’S WHY!!” Now Cheyenne’s angry and I still have to tell her that he wants no measures taken if the occasion should arrive. Daniel lovingly shushes her and grabs her hand. I absolutely hate being the one to tell her this and having to watch her fall apart. So without looking at her I stare down into my black coffee and quickly press the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger and talk softly.
“Shy, he doesn’t want any measures at all taken. He put in the Directive that if his body starts to fail he is to be allowed to pass without any further action.” There is no hesitation to her response.
“YOU’RE SHITTING ME RIGHT?? BAY!!! TELL ME YOU’RE LYING!” She knows I would never lie to her, let alone lie about this. She’s upset and heart broken, I understand, I feel the same way. She is sobbing uncontrollably again and we just let her. She needs to get it out. I set my coffee down and lean my elbows on my knees and try to calm my nerves again. I rub my face and then blow out the air forcefully while rubbing my sweaty palms on the tops of my thighs. Talon is rubbing my back again and Cheyenne seems to be calming down some. I lean back into Talon who has become my anchor today and I grasp for some grounding. I am nauseous and dizzy and I can feel myself slowly starting to unravel as I realize the solution to our current problems. The problem with the solution is that there just isn’t one. This whole situation is out of my hands and the only thing I can do is wait. I suck at patience.
Cheyenne is quiet again and curled into Daniel, so I get up because I need a minute to myself to go ahead and give the proper reaction that has been slowly creeping up on me.
I reach up to kiss Talon, he is my air right now but I need to get this emotion out on my own. I stand up and turn away from him before speaking. “I’ll be back in a minute,” I say to no one in particular as I rush out the door before my emotions overtake me. I quickly head to the waiting room before I decide I should go to the restroom instead. The nausea is only increasing by the minute. I locate the nearest restroom and rush into the single toilet room without taking the time to lock t
he door behind me. I barely make it in time.
****
Talon
“This would be the time to go after her,” Cheyenne says to me quietly. I don’t understand.
“I’m sorry?” I'm not sure what Cheyenne knows about my relationship with her sister so I'm confused by her statement.
“Now is when all of the past week’s events, including today’s news, will hit her. This is her breaking point. The point where I comfort her instead of the other way around. So if you want to be the one doing the comforting, then I suggest you get up and go get her. Check the waiting room or the restroom near the waiting room, that’s most likely where she’ll be.”
“Thanks.” I get up quickly and walk out to find her. I have been so impressed with the way she was handling all of the information on her own while her sister bowed out with terrible timing. I was afraid she was going to let it all get to her at once though, and apparently this is nothing new. This is how Bailey operates. Business first, emotions later.
She’s not in the waiting room so I walk straight to the restroom. Just as I start to knock I can hear her getting sick in there so I try the door instead. It’s unlocked so I walk right in and kneel down behind her, smoothing her hair away from her sticky forehead. She flushes the toilet and rests her head on her arms. She begins crying even harder than Cheyenne did. I get her a couple of wet paper towels and wipe her face. I place one on the back of her neck before scooping her up in my arms. She doesn’t say a word, she just cries.
The waiting room is empty so I take her in there and set her down on my lap so I can offer her the only comfort I can by holding her. She wraps her arms around my neck and continues to cry. Several minutes later, while still crying, she pulls back and covers her face with her hands.
“I can’t. I can’t do it, Talon. I will never survive losing him. I can’t,” she cries as she shakes her head back and forth.
“Listen to me love. He’s not going anywhere. He’s just sleeping right now, but they’re going to figure this out and he’s going to be ok. He’s not going anywhere, baby. Please just breathe, I hate seeing you go through this, you’re breaking my heart.”
“But he can, he can…. die. Today or tomorrow or whenever, and he doesn’t even want to try to survive! He just wants to throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble. Why is he being so selfish; doesn’t he understand what that would do to us? There is no way I could live through losing another parent! And Cheyenne? She really can’t handle this, this is just too much. It’s just too freaking much!” She lays her head back into my chest and cries until I can only hear little hiccups. I know we have been out here for a while, but there is no way I am going to wake her.
Sometime after Bay falls asleep in my arms, Cheyenne and Daniel come and stand before me. I can tell that Cheyenne has been crying again, but she is standing with only concern for her sister in her eyes. She reaches a hand down to Bailey’s forehead and wipes away a wayward lock of hair.
“Linda said there was no possibility of them slowing his meds any, so he won’t wake up before tomorrow. We should all go on home and get some rest. We have quite a bit to do tomorrow on the farm and contacting everyone about dad’s current state. Would you like me to meet you at the house and help you get settled?”
“Oh, I wasn’t planning on staying at your father’s place. I can take Bailey home and make sure she’s settled for the night before I go find a hotel. Thank you though.”
“Nonsense. Daddy has plenty of room. Just take one of the guest rooms upstairs and help yourself to whatever you may need. I’ll be over early tomorrow morning. And Talon, I can’t tell you how happy it makes me that you came out here for her. I wish it wasn’t under these circumstances, but it’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“Thanks Cheyenne. I’m happy to finally meet you too. I’ll see you in the morning.” She gives me a polite nod and a sad smile before walking ahead of her husband to the elevator. Daniel shakes my hand and tells me that he’ll also see me tomorrow before following Cheyenne and disappearing into the elevator. I am in no rush to disturb Bay, so I sit there for a bit longer before I gingerly stand up. She doesn’t wake. So I happily carry her all the way out to the car. She wakes enough to curl up in the seat as I buckle her up and close the door.
With Bay sound asleep I’m thankful that I paid attention to the road signs on the way to the hospital so I can get us back without having to wake her.
I keep thinking about how happy I am that I didn’t talk myself out of coming to her. She needs me here and there is nowhere else I want to be. I just don’t understand why she didn’t feel like she could call me. She has to know that I would have been on the same flight as her if she had only called. I get that she needs to take her time in this relationship due to all the hell and heartbreak she experienced with her ex, but I am so in love with this girl and it’s killing me not being able to fully be there for her because she keeps this line drawn between us.
I want her. I want all of her, forever. I know telling her this will scare her off, so as long as she’ll have me around I’ll continue to play by her rules. I truly will do anything for this beautiful woman who has had me totally mesmerized by her since the first night we met. And for the first time in my life that doesn’t scare the hell out of me.
CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE
BAILEY
I wake suddenly out of a deep sleep and notice that I’m in bed but I don’t remember coming in here. I don’t remember even leaving the hospital. I glance around and take inventory of my surroundings. My door is open but the house is pitch black. I never shut off the hall light even when my dad is here, but especially when he’s not. Remembering exactly where he is brings my dream back to me with full force and the reason for my abrupt wake up. I was at my dad’s funeral.
Slowing my breathing and begging the tears to stay put right where they are, I look down and noticed that I’m still dressed in the clothes I wore to the hospital. My boots are set neatly together at the edge of my bed. Talon. I remember falling asleep in his arms at the hospital.
Please let him still be here. Please.
I quietly walk to the hall and notice the guest room door across the way is slightly cracked. Daddy never uses the guest rooms, so they are always shut. I walk over and poke my head in the doorway hoping the door won’t creak as I push it open a little further.
Talon is asleep. He’s lying on his side facing my direction. The moonlight shining down on him through the uncovered bay windows makes him look glorious. I realized a while back that I love this man, but looking at him now, like this, in my childhood home, makes my heart ache with all the love I have for him.
Not being able to stop myself (not that I really try all that hard) I tiptoe to the side of the bed and stand in front of him for just a few seconds before reaching down and brushing the hair off his forehead. I lean in and kiss his lips gently and he stirs just an inch. I pull the covers back and crawl into bed with him, just needing to be close. As I pull the blankets back over us and scoot into him with my back against his chest he brings his arm around my waist and makes a little moan of acknowledgement.
It doesn’t take long for my eyes to feel heavy again now that I am at my home, in Talon’s arms.
Talon nuzzles my neck as his deep gravelly voice whispers into my ear, “Hey baby, you ok?”
My heart rate picks up and my breathing declines. I have to steady myself before I can reply. “Yeah, I’m sorry I woke you.”
“It’s ok love, what woke you?”
I’m looking into the dark room that is highlighted with the moonlight and I can picture myself standing next to my dad’s grave. “I had a terrible dream.”
“I’m sorry; do you want to talk about it?”
No, I really don’t, but right then I know I have to tell him how I feel about him. If I lose Talon I will not only be crushed, but I will be lost, forever.
So instead I turn around to face him and he pulls me in closer with his eyes still closed
. I settle my left palm on the side of his face and my right hand around the back of his head into his hair. I kiss both his eyelids, and then trail feather light kisses across his cheek and down his jaw before making my way up to his lips.
“No babe, not tonight. But I do want to talk to you about something else. We can wait until morning though if you’re too tired. I know it’s been a long day for you.”
Talon sits up and leans against the headboard. He rubs the sleep out of his eyes with the heels of his hands before pulling me up against his side. “I have all the time in the world for sleep baby. What do you want to talk about?”
I smile at his words; he always has the right words. “First of all, let me apologize for not letting you know I had come out here. I was in a panic and, for reasons you probably won’t understand, I still hadn’t told anyone aside from Blaine that I had broken things off with Hollister. As you can imagine, everyone here hates him and they don’t even know the extent of the relationship I had with him. Can you please forgive me for that?”
“Already done sweetheart.” He kisses me on the forehead before I begin again.
“Thank you.” I offer a small smile and get one in return. “Secondly, you will never know what it means to me that you flew out here to check on me. Seriously Talon, I didn’t deserve that but I appreciate it immensely.” Talon slowly shakes his head but before he can protest, I place the tips of my fingers across his lips and start up again.
“I have come to realize that for me, you are home. When everything is wrong, it all turns right when I’m in your arms.” I sniffle a little because a few tears have fallen and I don’t mind at all. I have never expressed any feelings like this for anyone. Ever. I don’t even feel that scared, just relieved that he is here listening to me. “Talon, I’m so sorry that I have put you through so much and that whatever relationship we do have didn’t start out in pure bliss the way I would have preferred. But Talon, I realized a long time ago that you captured my heart, it was just broken when you found it. Now that you have healed it and made it whole again, I would like to offer it to you formally, because there will never be anyone else for me. I love you, Talon McAllister.”
