“I’m okay. I haven’t been off.” It was a lie and we both knew it.
His eyebrows furrowed. “I hate to ask this, but did something happen between you and Jacob? You’ve been acting weird since you saw him.”
“No! What gives you that idea?” As stupid as it was, I was hoping he didn’t notice. It was foolish considering I was known for wearing my heart on my sleeve.
“I don’t know. You two just seemed really awkward around each other.”
“No awkwardness there.” I let out a stale laugh. “I just hadn’t seen him since my project.”
As if a light bulb flashed inside his brain, his eyes widened in complete understanding. “Oh, I see what this is about.”
“You do?” My heart rate quickened. Uh oh. What did he know?
“You feel guilty because you used him for his connections and then you split after the project, right?”
“Ha, ha. You got me.” My laugh came out strained.
“Well, you don’t really have to worry so much about that. Jacob doesn’t ever really see anything past b-boying. I’m even surprised he’s passing any of his classes.” He scooped a huge dollop of ice cream onto his spoon, placing it into his mouth with a smack. “Did you want to do anything else tonight?”
I stabbed my malt with my straw, stirring the chocolate shake until there was nothing left but melted goo. “Um, whatever. I don’t have any finals tomorrow so I’m free all night.”
“Me neither.” He rubbed his stomach and smirked. “After all that buttery popcorn and ice cream, I’m beginning to think I need to do something active.”
Yikes! That was a hint if I ever heard one. Instinctively, I crossed my legs.
David glanced at his watch. “I’d say we could chill at my dorm, but Gemma’s probably still there.”
My eyes darkened. “Wait, what?”
“Oh yeah. That girl is always over there. Sometimes she doesn’t leave until the crack of dawn. I mean, I don’t care if you mess around and all that stuff, you know? Have at it! Just give me a little heads up so I’m not wandering around aimlessly at one in the morning. There was one week where I had to crash over my pal’s like almost every night.”
I suddenly felt a need to throw up. “Oh.”
“Yeah. Stupid, right?”
I grabbed for my water, looking for any excuse not to speak. I had nothing to say. What could I say? This explained so much. It explained why Jacob disappeared at the club. It also explained all the bad looks Gemma had been giving me.
You want to know what else it explained? It explained why I could never be with Jacob.
I looked up and examined David, who stared at me longingly. He really deserved someone who liked him as much as he apparently liked me. He needed someone who liked him as much as I liked Jacob.
Like an “aha” moment, it was my turn for a light bulb in my head. Maybe the reason why I never felt the same way about David was because Jacob was my unattainable. Like a forbidden fruit, deep down I knew I could never have him and that intensified my feelings for him.
It made perfect sense!
It explained why I could never get rid of my high school crushes. It also explained why I became obsessed with b-boying.
I had an addiction problem and that addiction had to do with unattainable love interests.
Maybe I do love David after all. Before I could change my mind, I leaned forward and touched his hands, waiting for the familiar electric zing to travel through my body. To my disappointment, none came. David, on the other hand looked as if he was on cloud nine. Clearing my throat, I asked as seductively as I could, “Why don’t we hang out at my place? It’s about time I kicked Anna and Lucas out for a change.”
There was no mistaking the feral hunger in David’s eyes. “Really?”
I pushed away all thoughts of warning aside and smiled. “Really.”
Chapter 28
My shoulders trembled. Never in my life had I experienced this much fear, apprehension, and anxiety. I didn’t understand how anybody could think sex was fun. Even just lying in my underwear in the safety of my own bed left me feeling terrified.
“You sure you want to do this? We can stop if you want to.” David’s lips trailed up and down my strained neck. It was no wonder he could tell the unease I was suffering. I mean, I was stiff as a board!
“Mmhmm.” I nodded my head quickly, bumping the side of my face against his mess of blond hair. “Of course I do.”
Liar! Why are you doing this? To get back at Jacob?
“Why would I want to get back at him?” I mumbled.
“What was that?” David asked against my neck.
“Nothing.” I reached out and raised his chin so that were eye to eye. “I was just saying how happy I am to be with you.”
David grinned and pressed his lips against mine. There was an undeniable hunger behind the kiss and I tried so hard to mentally and emotionally keep up. His hand caressed my cheek and carefully wandered down my chest, caressing my breasts over the cup of my lacy bra. He placed his lips against the space between my breasts and almost expertly unclasped my bra with one hand. I immediately froze up.
I mentally chastised myself, Stop being so stiff, Estelle! Stop being scared. It’s time you do this! David is the perfect guy to be your first.
I inhaled deeply, catching a whiff of his cologne, which was definitely not the same sweet musk Jacob used to wear. Feeling guilty, I shut my eyes and did my best to push all thoughts of the brunet dancer out of my head.
After a few more pecks against my neck, David ground out, “I didn’t…” His voice trailed off, causing me to lift my head in curiosity.
“What were you saying?” I breathed into his mouth.
“I didn’t think we’d be doing this tonight. I didn’t bring a condom.” He pushed himself from me and sighed.
I could have laughed at the way his shoulders slumped forward in disappointment. I pointed toward Anna’s nightstand. “She has a box in the top drawer.”
“And how would you know that?” He pushed back a lock of my hair and pressed a kiss on my forehead. I knew he was teasing, but something about his tone sounded more like an accusation that anything.
Frowning slightly, I watched as he jumped off my bed and stalked over to her plastic cabinet. “Let’s just say Lucas and Anna aren’t exceptionally shy about their sex life.”
“Yeah, that’s gross.”
“That’s what I’m saying!” I laughed, relieved that I had finally lost the tension in my shoulders. David must have noticed it too.
He turned and took a moment to scan my body up and down. To my surprise, I did not make any moves to cover myself up. He actually made me feel pretty. “You look beautiful, Ellie. As corny as it sounds, it’s an honor that I’m your first—”
“Wait.” I stopped him and propped myself up on my elbows. “How did you know…?”
“That you’re a virgin?” He let out a soft laugh.
I nodded. “It’s not that I’m embarrassed about it, because I’m not. However, it’s also something I don’t broadcast around. Needless to say, I never told you.”
“It’s easy to tell,” he replied, slowly crawling back into bed with me.
“How?” I demanded.
“I can’t explain it, but I just knew.” His face clouded with seriousness. “So I have to ask again, are you ready to do this? Because we can just stop right here and call it a night. My feelings won’t get hurt.”
I bit my lip. It was now or never.
“No, I want to do this,” I pressed, and you know what? I really did.
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
He climbed back onto the bed and gently parted my legs, pulling down my pink underwear. As soon as they were wrapped around one ankle, he brought his hand up to my sex and rubbed gently.
“Oh!” Okay, maybe this sex thing wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be. As David continued to trail kisses up and down my body and pump his finger inside of me
I…well, I totally lost all apprehension.
My fingers trembled as I reached out and carefully pulled down his boxers. The moment my eyes landed on his penis, I couldn’t help but think that Anna was wrong. I was ready to see one.
“Are you really sure you want to do this?” David asked once more, positioning himself in between my legs.
I nodded my head and brought my mouth up to his. I soon closed my eyes and succumbed to his kiss, his touch, and the sound of ripping plastic.
***
The digital clock stared back at me, taunting me with its bright red numbers.
“Two in the morning,” I whispered to myself.
I rolled over to my side, careful not to jar David awake. I glanced over at Anna’s bed and let out a sigh of relief to find it empty. At his urging we had placed a sock on the doorknob to ward her and Lucas off, though I couldn’t help but feel a bit uncomfortable knowing my whole floor knew what I was up to.
“It would be payback,” David joked, placing his sock proudly on the knob. It was payback, but unfortunately it wasn’t the payback he thought.
He wanted to spend the night with me—with his unofficial official girlfriend. But did I want to spend the night with him? Did I want that title?
No.
Unfortunately, I had to use sex to figure it out.
I stared up at the ceiling and listened to his muffled snores. I should have been happy. There I was lying next to someone who genuinely cared about me, and as “first times” went, I had to admit it really wasn’t that bad. In fact, I’d even go so far to say that I enjoyed it.
Too bad I really wasn’t happy.
I rolled over onto my side and felt a tear roll down my cheek. What the hell had I done? Did I really lose my virginity to prove…to prove…
“Fuck,” I whispered and shut my eyes tightly. “What the fuck did I just do?”
I didn’t need to ask, because I already knew. What I did was have sex for the very first time to prove to myself that I was over someone I totally wasn’t.
But that’s what people in college do, right? They have sex for all the stupidest reasons.
Chapter 29
The phone screen glowed, illuminating my room. David was calling me again, but again I wasn’t going to answer.
“Dude, are you ever going to talk to him?”
I rolled onto my side and gazed over at Anna’s bed. In the darkness I could make out the lump of her body, curled up in the fetal position.
“Sorry, I thought you were asleep,” I whispered. I reached out and rejected his call. All at once the vibrating stopped.
“Who could sleep with all that buzzing? For a moment there I thought you were having fun with a vibrator.” Anna sighed and reached out to flick on her lamp.
I winced from the pain of my eyes adjusting to the bright light. I pulled my sheet over my face and shut my eyes tightly. “You know I don’t do crap like that.”
“No,” she agreed. “You only sleep with a guy and never talk to him again. Did I ever tell you that I’m impressed? From virgin to bonafide man-eater; you are an overachiever, to say the least. You really need to teach sex ed.”
I peeked over my covers and frowned. The guilt I had tried so hard to suppress finally burst forth. It was like a broken dam, overfilling to the point of unfixable damage. “I didn’t mean…I don’t mean…”
Anna’s teasing grin wavered. Her voice came out careful and short. “What happened between you two?” The blood paled from her face. “You didn’t have sex with him because he forced you into it, right? It was all consensual?”
“Yes! Yes, of course it was!” I exclaimed with a shake of my head.
A look of utter relief flashed over her face. “Then what’s wrong? I thought you guys were happy.”
I reached out to hug my spare pillow against my chest as if it were a shield from all the horrors of young adult life. “We were…er…he was.” I shut my eyes and took a deep breath. “He was happy, but I really wasn’t.”
“What do you mean?”
I had to tell her. I had to tell someone. The guilt was eating me up more than I had ever experienced. I yanked at a loose piece of thread, feeling my throat close up. “I…I just never felt as if I liked him as much as he liked me, you know?”
“Losing your virginity to him is a pretty funny way of showing it,” she snapped.
“Isn’t that what college is about? Having sex for all the wrong reasons?” I laughed half-heartedly. I shrugged my shoulders and sighed.
“Don’t go changing my words around,” she warned. She pushed herself from her bed and sat on the edge of mine. I felt the mattress sink under her weight and quickly turned to face the opposite direction. “Estelle, look at me.”
I shook my head and broke into a sob. “You told me this is what college was about. You told me to have fun and experiment.”
“Exactly! I told you to have fun! From the looks of it, you did not have fun.” She pushed back my hair and peered at the side of my face. “Tell me, why did you really sleep with him? Be honest.”
I gulped. The words were at the tip of my tongue, but I dreaded saying them. “I…I thought if I slept with him I’d like him better.”
“That’s it?”
I blinked. “What else would there be?”
“Estelle.”
I shut my eyes and mumbled under my breath, “Fine. I guess I was mad at Jacob.”
“What?” She reached out and pulled at my wrist. “Sit up and talk to me like a rational adult, please.”
I pushed myself up, but kept my eyes pointing down. “I slept at him because I was mad at Jacob for messing with Gemma. There are you happy now?”
Anna grabbed onto my hands and squeezed them tightly. It was the most supportive thing she’d done since we first became roommates. “Are you sure they’re messing around?”
“She was at his dorm the night I picked up Jacob. Apparently she’s always there…until the morning time.”
Anna lips curled into an “O.”
I nodded and sniffled. “Yeah. Guess that explained the night at the club. You know, the stalking and everything.” I shifted uncomfortably, feeling my word vomit threatening to escape again. This time I let it spew freely. It was quite therapeutic and liberating, to be honest. “The night of our date, David made a remark about how Gemma and Jacob are always fooling around. I know it’s unjustified, but I got really angry about it and…well, I decided to sleep with David. I guess I did it to get back at Jacob. Like if he could fool around, maybe I could too.”
“That was stupid.”
You’d think I’d get used to her bluntness, but still it stung. “I know and I’m not blaming you and Lucas or anything, but you two made it look so easy—”
“What, having sex?”
I shrugged and nodded. “You two talk about it so freely, I guess it made me feel like it was less of a big deal as it was.”
“Oh, Estelle, we didn’t mean to do all that.” She bowed her head guiltily.
I sighed and rubbed at my eyebrows, which were in desperate need of plucking. Guess a broken heart also made you lose all forms of upkeep. “I was just sick of being that stupid high school girl that everyone friend zoned, you know? I thought that maybe if I finally took this big leap then I’d change somehow. I’d be more like—”
“Like me?” Anna squeaked.
I nodded, noting the irony of wanting to emulate my annoying roommate. If anything, all I really wanted was to be as brave as her. I wanted to enjoy college. I didn’t want to be ‘Estelle’ anymore.
Anna shut her eyes and sighed. “This is all my fault.”
“How is it your fault?” I asked, though a tiny part of me still laid blame on her.
She bowed her head and cringed. “Rebound sex and revenge sex only works when there is something to rebound from…” Her voice trailed off almost as if she were afraid what she would say would further break me.
“Go on,” I urged.
“Or if the
re was anything to be jealous about. To put it simply, Jacob never liked you like that. Sure, I thought he may have, but…”
“I get it,” I muttered in disdain.
Unfortunately, Anna would not stop in her tirade. “So what if you had sex with David? He wouldn’t care. You basically had revenge sex against that little fantasy in your mind.”
I had no words to say. She was right, after all. Jacob never liked me like that. Why would he care that I slept with David? All that was left of that night was a string of broken hearts and not one of them belonged to Jacob.
I shut my eyes and sniffled, feeling the familiar prickle of my nose. “I should apologize to David, right?”
“Yup.” She narrowed her eyes. “But not only that.”
“What else?” I moaned.
“If you don’t feel that way about him, I say you should cut ties already. Put the poor man out of his misery.”
On cue my phone buzzed once again. Anna and I exchanged glances.
“Not tonight.” I knew I was chickening out, but at the same time I knew I needed to do it in person. “Tomorrow.”
Anna pushed herself from my bed. “Whatever you say, Man Eater.”
Chapter 30
The clock screamed at me, taunting me. I’d been staring at it since I arrived at David’s dorm room—Jacob’s dorm room. It had been silent for a good five minutes and the awkwardness in the room was suffocating.
“I don’t believe you.” He spoke. He finally spoke! His lips tightened menacingly, his eyes narrowed with pure disdain and for a moment, I wished he’d be quiet once again.
“Then don’t believe me, but I’m telling the truth. I…I didn’t mean to hurt you. The night was special to me, I just…I just realized I’m not ready for all this. Not yet.”
Not with you.
David’s blond locks whipped back and forth as he shook his head. He rose from his seat and walked over to the door, opening it with dramatic flair. With a flick of his hand, he pointed out the door. “Just leave.”
“David, I hope we can still be friends.” My voice cracked as I said it. We both knew forging a friendship would be impossible given everything that went down.
Breaking Hearts (B-Boy #2) Page 15
