by Skye Taylor
Philip stopped walking and grabbed Julie’s shoulder to stop her as well. “I’m over being angry. She didn’t lie because she wanted to hurt me. She lied because she was afraid. She was afraid of what I would think. Or that I’d be angry.”
He shrugged, his shirt feeling tight across his shoulders. “I said things I shouldn’t have said, so she was right to be worried about my reaction. I didn’t put myself in her shoes and try to understand what she was feeling or thinking.”
“But you still love her?” Julie’s eyes glimmered in the darkening light.
“Very much.”
“Were you sleeping with her while I was in San Diego?”
Philip gasped at the question. He’d promised never to lie to Julie, but how was he supposed to answer this? She shouldn’t even know about that crazy undisciplined week.
“Never mind. Don’t answer that,” Julie turned away and began walking again. “I’m just glad your heart was in it, and you weren’t taking advantage.”
Somehow, she knew. God only knew how, but Julie knew he and Elena had been intimate. He lengthened his stride and caught up with her. “My heart is very much in it.” He wanted to reach out and take her hand in his, but he wasn’t sure how she’d react. Or how she viewed his having slept with her mother.
“She still needs you, you know.” Julie glanced at him briefly, then down at the sand. “Maybe not like when I was born. Or maybe just like it.”
This time it was Julie who stopped walking and turned to face him. “She cries at night when she thinks I’m asleep. She never cried over Dad. That I know of. But she’s crying now, and I think it’s over you.”
Then she brushed past him and broke into a run as she headed back up the beach toward the pit where the bonfire was being erected.
When Philip caught up, the younger kids were scampering over the dunes hunting for driftwood, and his brothers were carefully stacking it into a pile. His father tossed him a shovel.
“Let’s get this pit into shape.”
The pit was a large round bowl dug into the sand with the center raised to hold the bonfire and the outer rim carved into a bench where everyone could sit comfortably to watch it burn.
“Grab those pails and fill ’em up,” Cam told Ava and Julie.
Philip paused in his digging to watch his daughter running toward the water, her long graceful legs more than matching her older yet shorter cousin’s stride. He swallowed a lump of pride and love.
“She’s pretty special,” his father murmured, nodding toward the girls.
“Very special.” Philip blinked rapidly to stanch the sudden prickle of tears. “I wish I’d been around when she was born, but I’m glad . . . ” He hesitated. How was it possible to put all the powerful emotions that wisp of a girl filled his heart with into words?
“Have you thought about leaving the military at all? Especially now?”
Philip turned his head and met his father’s questioning blue gaze.
“You should be doing everything you can to make up for lost time, but it’ll be kinda hard to do if you’re stationed on a ship somewhere on the other side of the world.”
When Philip had talked to Elena about getting married, that distance hadn’t seemed so insurmountable. Other Marine wives managed it, and in spite of her dislike of the idea, he knew Elena was a strong woman. It was part of who he was and, if she loved him, she could handle it. Any woman who could bring a child into the world alone, bear up under the loss of a son and the unfaithfulness of a husband, could certainly deal with being a military wife.
He shrugged, not yet willing to accept that everyone else might be right. But his father had brought Julie into the discussion. And that was something else entirely.
He thought about Tommy and how desperately he’d missed the little boy the first time they were separated by a deployment. And then he’d lost him forever.
“Think about it, son.” Cam gripped Philip’s shoulder. “The Marine Corps doesn’t define who you are as a man. Only what you do for a living. And family will always be more important than how you put a roof over their heads and food on their table.”
Then Cam leapt up to the beach and walked toward the house.
“Here you go, Gramps,” Julie called out as she set two sloshing buckets of seawater next to preparations for the bonfire. “Where’d Gramps go?” Julie looked to Philip.
“I think he went to get the makings for s’mores.”
“Cool! I love s’mores.” She glanced at the finished bench and whistled. “This is super cool. We never did anything like this at Coronado.”
Meaning Eli had never done anything like that. Philip’s heart contracted as it always did when he thought of all the things Eli had gotten to do with Julie that he’d missed out on. But this time, he was the one she was enjoying the doing with. And that felt good.
Elena came down the stairs with Meg, carrying an armload of old blankets. His mother and dad followed close behind with a tray mounded with bags of marshmallows, stacks of chocolate bars, and four boxes of graham crackers. The sun had already set and dark was enveloping the beach. Jake shoved two fingers between his lips and whistled shrilly. Kids came running from everywhere with the last of their bits of driftwood.
After a lot of chattering and jostling, his family finally got settled in to watch the lighting of the fire. Cam stood at the center, waiting for the chatter to stop. He cleared his throat twice before he got the level of quiet he wanted.
“One of these years,” Cam began, glancing from one member of his family to another. “We’ll all be together at once. This year, Kate could not be with us, but Philip is. Finally!” he added with exaggerated emphasis.
It had been years since Philip had been at home for the Cameron Clan’s formal summer kick-off. Too many years, he now realized as he felt the camaraderie and love. His family, especially his parents, had always been his biggest cheerleaders and strongest support and he’d done exactly what his father had reminded him not to do. He’d defined himself as a Marine first, and his family had come second.
“Since we gathered here a year ago, our family has grown by leaps and bounds.” Cam nodded in the direction of Jake’s new wife Zoe and her baby Molly who was already asleep on Jake’s shoulder. He put a hand on young Sam’s shoulder. “Another fine Cub Scout and his mom. Will, you are a lucky man, and we are all lucky Bree decided Will was worth talking a chance on. And now we’ve got Julie and Elena. Who could have guessed a year ago, I’d have three new grandchildren, and two new daughters-in-law.” He hesitated as he glanced at Elena, then went on. “Lord, we are so thankful to be together tonight, to be healthy and to be blessed with so much love.”
A murmur of amens followed and then Will struck a match and held it to the tinder placed carefully under the formidable bonfire. A spark, then a tiny flame began to grow as everyone held their breath.
“Blow on it Dad,” Sam urged, breaking the expectant silence.
Philip’s heart squeezed. When had his new nephew begun to call Will Dad? Would Julie ever call him that? He reached out to fold his hand over Elena’s where it rested in her lap. She startled at his touch, but didn’t pull her hand away. Perhaps she was ready to forgive him for his outrageous behavior a month ago. The crayon-throwing incident and other equally reprehensible acts of anger and impatience haunted him, too. She had let him work through all his tantrums and icy silences without comment.
He hadn’t been a model patient. He hadn’t even been a model lover. He’d been demanding, impatient, and eager to be fixed and gone.
He laced his fingers through hers and squeezed. When she finally looked up and met his gaze, her eyes were filled with something he couldn’t read. Not exactly unhappy. Not exactly at ease. He dragged her hand over to his lap and cupped it with both of his own.
After a while, he e
xtricated his fingers from hers and put his arm about her shoulders. She glanced quickly up at him, then back at the blazing fire. He rubbed her upper arm and eased her closer. Slowly, she relaxed against his side and eventually she rested her head on his shoulder. This was how he wanted to spend every Memorial Day bonfire for the rest of his life.
The bonfire began to burn itself out and slump into a bed of hot red coals. The kids, who’d been enthralled with the fire at the start, had long ago lost patience and were eagerly demanding the marshmallows be handed out.
His daughter and Ava were in charge. My daughter! The words tasted so sweet in his mouth. His daughter lacing marshmallows onto sticks for Jake’s twins. His daughter laughing at something Ava had said. The daughter he’d never known moved about amongst his family as if she’d always been there. Maybe he wasn’t much of a Marine after all, considering how often he’d felt like crying of late.
As soon as the s’mores had been consumed and the kids all sent off to bed, he was going to take Elena for a walk on the beach and settle their future together.
PHILIP CARRIED A sleeping twin up to the house while Jake led the way with the other five-year-old on his shoulder. Zoe bustled in as soon as Philip had deposited his sleeping bundle onto her sleeping bag and begun removing the sandy shorts and T-shirt. Philip kissed each twin on their forehead and left, hurrying back down the stairs to find Elena.
“Have you seen Elena?” he asked his mother, who was, as usual, bustling around her kitchen, putting things away and setting out breakfast preparations.
Sandy looked up and smiled. “She was out on the deck the last time I saw her.” She blew him a kiss and returned to her task.
The deck was completely dark. The lights had been turned off so they wouldn’t detract from the bonfire, and never put back on since everyone’s eyes had adjusted to the darkness and no one had needed them to find their way. Elena might be sitting in one of the big deck chairs, but he couldn’t tell. He started to move toward the light switch.
“I’m not going to get married ever.” Ava’s emphatic declaration stopped him.
“Ever?” That was Julie, doubt heavy in her tone.
“Okay, maybe not ever. But not until I’m old. Thirty, at least.”
Philip leaned further into the shadows hoping the girls wouldn’t notice his presence. He probably should beat a silent retreat, but the conversation was too tempting. What had provoked Ava’s declaration?
“Thirty isn’t all that old,” Julie said.
“My parents got married when they were still in high school and it didn’t work out. I think thirty is a better age.”
“Maybe so,” Julie agreed slowly.
“If my mom hadn’t left when she did, she’d have made Daddy’s life miserable forever.” It appeared Ava had been old enough to sense Jake’s unhappiness, even when Jake himself hadn’t seen it. Philip was impressed with his niece’s perceptiveness.
“He must have loved her to ask her to marry him,” Julie argued.
“He married her because he got her pregnant.” Ava snickered, then sighed. “I think Daddy thought he loved her, and he thought she loved him. She never really loved anyone but herself.”
Julie sucked in a shocked gasp. “How can you say that about your own mother?”
“She walked out on all of us, didn’t she?” The pain and disillusionment in his niece’s voice sliced into him. He’d known Marsha was a self-centered bitch. So had everyone but Jake. But to hear that summation coming from Ava made his heart ache. No child should feel unloved and uncared for, especially by their mom.
“Yeah, but . . .”
“And your mom got married for all the wrong reasons, too. To a man she didn’t love either. How did that work out? See why I think it would be better to wait until I’m old? Now Daddy’s got Zoe and she’s perfect for him. But he got lucky. And he’s older than thirty.”
Neither girl said anything for a long time, and Philip wondered if he should make a move and sneak away before they caught him, but then Julie spoke up again.
“My mom did love my dad. Just not like Zoe loves your dad. But she was alone and scared and she had me. She thought it would be better for me to have a father than not to have one, and she didn’t know why Gunny wasn’t answering her emails.”
It struck Philip to hear his own words repeated so exactly. Julie had been listening when he’d begged her to cut her mother some slack. Being a parent was serious business. He’d have to be careful about the things he said and did, and the impression he was making.
“How come you call him Gunny?” Ava asked. “Now that you know he’s your father. I mean your real father.”
Philip held his breath, waiting for words he knew would wound him again.
Another long pause.
“I don’t know,” Julie said so softly Philip almost didn’t hear the words at all. “Maybe I’m afraid this can’t last. He’s going to leave again. If he’s just the Gunny . . . a nice man I enjoy being with and all, but . . . well . . . what if he gets sent somewhere dangerous and this time he doesn’t come home at all?”
There was a rustling of clothes as the two dark figures moved closer and Ava put her arm about Julie’s shoulders. “He’ll come back. He always does,” Ava assured her new cousin.
Philip slumped against the wall, his heart beating so hard it was surprising the girls didn’t hear it.
“And he really loves you. Anyone can tell just by the way he talks about you. He’d never abandon you like my mom abandoned us.”
Philip slid down the wall until he was sitting, his knees drawn up in front of him. The realization that Julie was afraid to love him too much and was trying to protect her heart from being hurt hit him square between the eyes.
The one thing that had been a constant in his adult life, the thing he’d let define him, was the very thing that had taken him away from Elena in the first place and had kept Julie from him all these years. And if he stuck with it, being a Marine might keep his daughter at a distance forever.
Chapter 42
Memorial Day Weekend, 2015
Tide’s Way, North Carolina
ELENA WANDERED around Philip’s childhood bedroom, looking at the things either he or his mother had chosen to hang on the walls and touching the bits and pieces of his life that decorated the horizontal surfaces. A trophy for first place in a tennis tournament, a baseball glove with the thumb chewed off by a long-ago pet, a baseball with signatures on it from a Padres game.
Until he told her about Tommy, she hadn’t known he’d ever spent enough time in San Diego to start following the Padres. She touched the clear plastic box the ball was incased in and thought about all the games he might have taken the boy to had Tommy not turned out to be someone else’s son.
A small wooden box with the Marine Corps emblem on the top and Semper Fi burned into the front sat on top of the dresser with a very old, one-eyed teddy bear next to it. She lifted the lid of the box and found a collection of medals, ribbons and other commendations.
That’s odd. Why are they here? Wouldn’t he have to wear them on his uniform? At least some of the time? Maybe they were duplicates.
She lifted the teddy bear and pressed the still-soft fur against her face. He was well-loved. Most of the satin label had been worn away, and he was missing one eye. She tried to imagine a miniature version of Philip hugging the bear, maybe falling asleep with it at night, or clutching it when faced with something that scared him.
Nothing scared him now. Not the rigorous and painful rehab he’d gone through, not the surgeries, and not the idea of putting himself in harm’s way.
She dropped onto the bed as her legs felt suddenly weak. In a few weeks, he’d be gone again, tackling the world and all the evil it held, head-on.
Earlier, in the light of the bonfire, she’d resiste
d when Philip first snaked his arm about her shoulders and pulled her close. But then she’d given in to the comfort of his solid, reassuring presence. Resting her head against his shoulder had made her wish with all her heart that she could put her head on his shoulder any time she pleased. Or any time she needed.
A quick tap on the door and she scrambled to put the teddy bear back on the dresser beside the wooden box. Her pulse hammered in her throat as she moved toward the door, praying it was Philip. Afraid it was. They still had so much to talk out.
“Mom?” Julie’s head appeared as the door eased open.
Elena relaxed and gestured for her daughter to come in. She did, and closed the door behind her.
“Are—are you having a nice time?” She’d barely had a moment with Julie since they’d arrived. A few moments on the beach, a couple more during supper. And a conversation that had seemed like it was going to be important until Philip had interrupted it.
Julie played with the hem of her shirt, running her fingers back and forth along the stitched edge.
Elena’s chest seemed to constrict. Philip had the same habit. She glanced at the teddy bear with the tattered label and back to Julie’s nervous fingers.
How could she not have noticed it before? Sometimes, maybe more aware of the habit, Philip tended to shove his hand in his pocket and worry the lining, but she’d also watched him flatten the sharp crease in his uniform trousers as if he had no idea he was doing it. A chink in Philip’s armor.
Julie had far more in common with Philip than she did with Eli, in spite of growing up with the other man in her life. She had Philip’s eyes and his dimple, and even the habit that showed up when she was anxious. But those were obvious things.
Julie wasn’t a warrior. At least, not yet. But she wasn’t a pacifist like Eli either. She’d gotten her first black eye and a chipped tooth defending a friend who was being bullied when she was only seven. She was confident and outgoing rather than arrogant and introverted. Julie was so much Philip’s daughter it hurt to think about it.
