But then Alice won him over.
And Max.
Patrick.
The rest of them.
But it wasn’t until Josie that he believed in real love. The kind that changed the way his body worked. And his brain thought. The kind that opened up an idea to him he had never had the guts to think about.
Cameron wasn’t cheesy and he would never say it out loud but he believed that he and Josie were as close to soul mates as two people could be. It was the only way he could explain not just what he felt for her, but the long and strange and totally unlikely road that brought them together.
A thousand near misses and different decisions and they never would have met.
“I’ve loved you for so long,” she whispered. And she kissed him.
And it was every single thing he ever wanted. And he gave himself just one second. One impossible taste of it. He allowed his hands to touch her hair. His body to register the feel of her against him. He was an absolute asshole but he kissed her back.
He kissed her back so hard.
She moaned and he could taste the booze on her and he hated himself.
She’s drunk. This is not consent. It’s not anything but drunk.
He pushed her away.
“Josie, you are drunk and now…”
She tried to kiss him again and he stepped back.
He watched her face go white and he realized she was embarrassed. That she thought he was rejecting her because he didn’t like her. Didn’t want to kiss her or touch her.
When that’s all he’d wanted to do for years now. Since that summer clearing out the meadow.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered and started down the hallway.
“No, Josie. It’s not like that.”
“This is embarrassing,” she said pulling her hand away when he grabbed it. “Just… let me be embarrassed.”
“Don’t be embarrassed. Come on. You’re drunk, Josie.”
“Well, drunk was the only way I could do this, so… whatever.”
He took a deep breath. Because he understood that. Needing the fake courage to break through the walls of their friendship. Of their age difference. Of being a kind of pseudo-family.
And the truth was – he may never have made the first move. He’d been telling himself for a year he was just waiting for the right time. But now she was leaving, leaving. New York City and the big job she’d gotten at a television network.
Drunk and messy may not have been his plan, sure. But this was the start of something. Something they could talk about tomorrow. Figure out – tomorrow.
She’d gone into the room and was struggling to take off her sweater.
He was not – no matter what – going to go in there and help her.
“Josie.”
“What?” she snapped and turned to face him in the doorway. “What do you want?”
“I have waited a year to tell you how I feel and I won’t be bullied into doing it when you’re drunk.”
She sucked in a breath and held it.
“How do you feel?” she whispered.
“Your five questions are up,” he whispered with a smile. “We’ll talk about it tomorrow. When you’re sober and you feel like roadkill.”
“This isn’t funny, Cameron. I love you. I have loved you forever.”
Oh, she was crying. And this shouldn’t be sad. This was good. What was happening right now was good. But Josie crying was his kryptonite.
“Hey,” he whispered and breaking his rule he came into the bedroom and lifted his hand, reaching for her face – so he could wipe away her tears. Because this beautiful girl should not be crying. Not today. “It’s okay, Josie. Let’s talk tomorrow.”
She threw her arms around him and aimed her mouth for his but ended up just under his nose. A little correction and she was kissing him again.
Fuck. He could feel her heart pounding against his chest and he was sure she could feel the hard press of his dick against her hip.
He pulled away and she stumbled and then over-corrected and fell sideways onto the bed, and since her hands were wrapped up in his shirt he came with her. He braced himself on an arm, so he didn’t land on her. But their faces were inches apart.
She kissed him again.
He’d lived for so long locked inside the rules he had for his feelings about Josie and now they were everywhere. Like when the chickens got out of the run over at The Farm. And they all ran around trying to catch the damn things which seemed somehow to multiply every second they were free.
As she kissed him his feelings were multiplying. There were so many he was overrun.
He leaned back, pulling himself away from the never-ending temptation of her.
“Josie, I’m leaving before this goes any further.”
“Sure you are,” she said with a smile and then leaned up to kiss him again. He could feel her spread her legs. And he was aware though he was trying hard not to be aware of the fact that her skirt had ridden up. And she was very nearly naked from the waist down.
Yeah. This is over.
He put a hand on her leg. “Josie. Stop-“
She kissed him and he felt himself melting.
“Cameron?”
It was a voice out of a nightmare. It was the voice of the worst possible person to be witness to what was happening. It was the voice of the only man whose opinion of him mattered.
I’m trusting you with my daughter.
He scrambled up off the bed and practically flew himself to the far side of the room.
Max stood in the doorway.
And Cameron had seen Max mad plenty of times. When he first got to the Inn, he’d made a point of pissing the man off. But this… the look on his face. The rage and the disappointment.
Oh God.
And there was nothing Cameron could say. He could say he was trying to stop. He could say it wasn’t going to go any further and he was just making sure she got in her room safely. But the fact that Max caught him, lying on top of her, his hand on her leg – all while she was clearly drunk. And mostly naked.
Cameron had never been so embarrassed. Never been so angry at himself.
Josie sat up – she was saying something, probably trying to explain but she was drunk. And it didn’t matter. And then she gagged and out of instinct Cameron stepped forward to help her.
“No,” Max barked and lifted his hand like he would step forward and stop Cameron from touching Josie. And Cameron stopped, and then because he couldn’t stand the look on Max’s face he closed his eyes. And even that wasn’t enough.
He’d see that rage and disappointment his whole damn life.
“It’s not…what it looks like,” Josie said. She stood and her skirt fell down around her legs and Cameron imagined she tried real hard to look sober but then she bolted for the garbage can and started to throw up everything she’d put in her body over the course of her night.
“Why don’t you come outside with me, son,” Max said.
“I can’t leave her like this,” Cameron said, imagining all those rock stars who passed out and threw up and ended up choking to death.
“I’ve got her,” Delia, Josie’s mom said, tying up her robe as she came sailing into the room.
There, Cameron thought. They don’t actually need me.
He caught Max’s eye and wished more than he could say that the floor would open up and swallow him. It was alarming to realize he would quite literally rather die than talk to Max.
“Come on,” Max said.
And the floor didn’t open up and he had no choice but follow Max out of the room, down the hallway and stairs into the kitchen.
Where Alice was standing, spreading cheese over tortilla chips and taco meat and beans in a pan.
She’s making me nachos, he thought.
“Hey! The chauffeur brought them home safely,” She said with a smile but then with one look at Max’s face the smile dropped. “What happened?”
Max blew out a long breath and loo
ked over at Cameron. He was scared to open his mouth and the ball of sick in his stomach would come out.
“Somebody better say something right now,” Alice said.
“I kissed Josie,” he blurted.
“Oh, well,” Alice looked at Max. “That doesn’t seem so bad.”
“We were on her bed and her skirt had gotten pulled up and my hand was on her knee.”
“That sounds worse.”
“She’s very drunk,” Max finished.
“Oh no,” Alice breathed. “Oh…”
“I know what it looked like,” Cameron said. “I do. And I can’t change that. And I know I made a promise to you but…” he ran out of steam. “It wasn’t going to go any further.”
Her saying yes while that drunk wasn’t a yes at all, he knew that. Alice and Max taught him that.
“You don’t believe me.” It wasn’t even a question and he couldn’t even blame them. If he walked in on some asshole on top of Josie like that, he’d kill them. Straight up.
Max and Alice shared a quick look.
“I believe him,” Alice said quietly. “I know the kind of guy Cameron is, and you do too.”
“You didn’t see it,” Max growled.
“I’m so sorry,” Cameron said and he felt suddenly, tears in his eyes. He grabbed his bag and his keys. “I’ll go.”
“Stop,” Alice said. “Cameron stop.”
He didn’t and Alice jumped out from behind the counter and got between him and the door.
“I would like to leave,” he said, quietly. “I think it’s best.”
“I don’t. And it’s my kitchen.” Of course Alice would do this. Alice always did this, pushed him and pushed him. She reached out for him and he flinched away. Feeling like he had when he was a teenager, like if she touched him something might break. His skin might slide right off revealing some part of himself he was too scared to see.
She looked up over Cameron’s shoulder at Max. And Cameron was sure in that moment he would be unable to look that man in the eyes ever again. Which meant, really… he needed to leave like…for good. Not just for the night. But he had to get gone.
“Max,” Alice said. “We know how those two feel about each other. We’ve known for years. This kind of thing was always going to happen.”
“That doesn’t make groping her while she’s drunk all right!” Max said.
“No.” Cameron said in total agreement and he could try and explain what happened, but the explanation was lame. Because he’d felt himself melting on that bed. And he’d promised to take care of her. He’d failed this family. “It doesn’t.”
“Max,” Alice said. “This is Cameron. Whatever happened…whatever you saw… I think it’s safe to say there was more to the story. If there’s one thing the Mitchell’s know is that there is always more to the story.”
Cameron heard the scrape of a stool and Max’s heavy breath as he sat and Alice sighed and gave him a brief quick smile.
“Sit down,” Max said. “Tell us what happened.”
Cameron didn’t sit. And Alice kept herself busy putting the nachos he was never going to eat in the oven under the broiler. Delia came down, looking worried and resigned.
Cameron felt his face get hot and red and he looked away. The guilt squeezing his chest so tight he could barely breathe. Part of him wanted to be mad again. Because mad was so easy. Mad was what his father would have done. Mad was what he would have done years ago. Slipping into that skin… so easy. Standing here and trying explain how he’d made one mistake but truly wasn’t going to make another one… impossible.
“I’ll tell you what happened,” Delia said, kissing her husband’s cheek and sighing. “Our daughter got just drunk enough to finally tell Cameron how she feels. She said she kissed him. She said she accidentally pulled him onto the bed.”
“Is that true?” Max asked.
“Does it change anything?” Cameron asked. “Does it make my part in it okay?”
“Maybe,” Alice said.
“No,” Max said.
Delia rolled her eyes and smacked her husband’s shoulder. “Stop.”
“No,” he shook his head. “I won’t. Cameron knows what he did was wrong.”
“Cameron?” Delia asked. “Do you love Josie?”
“It doesn’t matter. Because it doesn’t change the fact that I trusted you,” Max said to Cameron and that’s really all it came down to. Every bit of it. He’d betrayed Max. Josie. The whole family. “And then I found you on top of her.”
“Max,” Delia started to chastise him and Cameron hadn’t said a word to anyone about his feelings for Josie. Not until tonight and it didn’t seem right to talk about his feelings with anyone but her, but he couldn’t have Max thinking what he felt was… cheap. Or convenient.
“I love her,” Cameron said.
“And she’s been watching him with her heart in her eyes since she was sixteen,” Delia said
Max looked unconvinced. He looked actually like he was still ready to murder Cameron.
Cameron remembered all of a sudden being a kid in his father’s home. And being maybe too young to understand that what he needed he’d never get, but being scared to leave. It had seemed, suffering his dad’s neglect and abuse easier to stay and be hated and miserable than it was to leave. So he waited too long to leave. He wasted years festering in a garbage situation.
“I think… I think it’s best if I just leave.” Cameron said.
“And go where?” Alice asked. “You live here.”
“But maybe I shouldn’t anymore. You’ve been on me for months now about what my plans are for the future.”
“Well, this isn’t a plan. This is just running away. Max!” Alice cried. “Help me!”
“I don’t know,” Max said. “Maybe this is for the best.”
“What?” Alice and Delia both turned on him aghast.
“Maybe…” Max shrugged. “Maybe this was the push we all needed to help him figure it out.”
“This isn’t helping anything,” Delia said. “It’s kicking Cameron out.”
“It’s not,” Cameron said. “I think… Max is right. “ He even managed to smile at Max, like they were on the same side. Like the relationship they had wasn’t over.
You were the only father I really ever had. He wished he could say that but his words were shit. He knew that. Max didn’t care.
“He’s not,” Alice shook her head.
“You’ve been on me for months now. A year, even. To figure out what I was going to do next. I’m doing that.” Cameron shrugged, like it was all no big deal.
“No, you’re leaving because Max is scaring you and you’re upset and freaked out. This is not the time to make that decision.”
Max was silent and even Delia was quiet and he got that. He’d burned through the trust they had for him. Now, he just needed Alice to understand.
“If I stay,” Cameron said, feeling that sick ball in his stomach climb up in his throat. If I stay in the only home I’ve ever known, with the only people I’ve ever loved and who ever showed me kindness… oh fuck. He couldn’t say that. “If I stay tomorrow you’ll have a job for me and then another job. You’ll do everything you can to make me stay-“
“No, I won’t,” Alice lied. The nachos in the oven were smoking and he walked over, grabbed the tea towel and pulled the smoking blacked nachos out of the oven. He set them on the counter and knew in his gut that he would never be able to eat nachos again.
“You will. And I’ll let you. And… I would stay and learn everything you had to teach me and not once think about learning anything else. Or experiencing anything else. I would have…” he swallowed and shook his head and it was so hard to say. So hard. “I would have loved Josie and never learned to love anyone else.”
“Oh Cameron,” Delia whispered.
“I mean if one thing was proven by tonight it’s that…” he looked over at Max. Please, he thought, please give me this. At least give me this. “I need to grow
up a little away from this place. Away from all of you. Away from Josie.”
He one hundred percent didn’t mean any of this bullshit. But he had to get out of here.
“I’m twenty-six. An adult” he said. “And maybe it’s time I acted like it.” Or felt like it.
And then suddenly Max nodded.
Alice sighed.
And the whole vibe in the room changed and… well, it was happening.
“Okay,” Alice said. “Tomorrow come back here and Gabe and I have saved some money for you over the years. For college or travel. Whatever. It’s yours. I can send some letters of recommendations to some colleagues. You could go work for Andreas or Jerome in France.”
There. Now Alice was on board.
“Okay,” I said. “I’ll come back tomorrow and we can figure it out.”
He even smiled as he headed for the door. His car. And whatever came next.
“You have to talk to Josie,” Delia said. “You can’t leave things like this. She’ll be devastated.”
“Of course,” he said. And say what? He wondered. I love you and I ruined everything. I love you and your family wants me to leave? What good was that going to do? Go be amazing, that’s what he would say to her. Go be the writer you dream of being and I’ll be all right.
“Okay,” Alice said. It killed him to lie to her. But there wasn’t any other way. “Sorry about the nachos,” she said.
Tears burned in his eyes and in his throat and he nodded and waved good bye and got the fuck out of there. He was half way to his car before he realized Max had followed him.
“Cameron,” he said.
No. Nope. No way. “I’m leaving Max… I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“We both know that’s a lie. I know what leaving looks like.”
Cameron stopped. “Don’t try to stop me. I know you don’t mean it.”
“I’m not here to stop you.”
The bitter laugh clawed it’s way out of his throat and broke like a sob.
“Here,” Max said. “Take this.”
Cameron turned to see Max holding out a wad of money. “I’m not taking that.”
“Yeah you are,” he said and just shoved it in his backpack. “You’re gonna need it.”
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