I snap.
Fury once again surfaces when I think of my brother and the pain he’s caused me. I start pounding my fist into the hood of the car gorilla style, wildly swinging my fist into the metal, putting dents in it with every strike. Jeremy loves this car, and because he loves it so much, I will destroy it with my fists, just as he’s destroyed me.
As I obliterate the hood of the Challenger, I think about what Jeremy has done to me. For years, he worked with Carter, selling heroin to make a living. He was too big of a pussy to get a real job and look what it’s done for him. Now he’s locked up for several years, rotting away in a cell and will never have a decent life again.
When I think about the night before he was arrested, it causes me to get even angrier. We sat in this garage and he allowed me to cry my eyes out to him, knowing how much I was hurting from her death, and said nothing. He acted like he cared what happened to her, but the truth is, he only cared that he got caught.
He doesn’t feel the consequence of what he’s done to me or my daughter or my dead girlfriend. He only feels the consequence of his arrested. He singlehandedly destroyed our family and my ability to trust someone again. He is the reason I’m so angry and set to kill whenever someone crosses me. He is the trigger for my rage, and until he’s in front of me to take out all the fury first hand, I will continue to destroy everything that means something to him. How could I not?
When I step back from the Challenger, the hood is completely dented in and a small twinge of pride surfaces. I’m glad it looks like shit because it’s the one and only thing he loved besides himself. If he really loved his family, Jeremy never would have started selling drugs—plain and simple.
Zoe
The sun is brightly shining through the window, waking me up. It’s far too early for this night owl. I raise my arms above my head and feel tension in my shoulders and biceps. My legs ache along with my feet. We were so busy at the bar the last two nights that my body is screaming at me. It’s been awhile since I’ve worked that hard—well, since Terrance asked me to move in with him and swore he’d take care of me. Unbeknownst to me, his idea of taking care of me is having a 1950s housewife, one who will wait on him hand and foot, then when she gets out of line, bash her head in. Screw that! I’m number one, and I won’t live like that.
Then I think about the only thing that’s been on my mind since I strolled through the front doors of The Slab—the dangerous stranger. I’ve been intrigued from the moment our eyes connected on the first night I saw him, but last night was completely different. I watched him almost take a life, saw the anger first hand, yet it did nothing to pull me away from him. In fact, it pushed me closer to him. All I want to do is know more about him.
As I roll off the bed and freshen up in the bathroom, my stomach is grumbling and my body is weary. I grab my keys and purse from the counter and head out to my car. I decide to visit a department store to get the darkest curtains possible then go to a drive-thru to silence my ravenous stomach.
I pull into the parking lot of a discount department store and exit my car. As I get closer to the building, a small, older woman is pushing a cart from the door and walking to her car. Is that…? No, that couldn’t be her. Could it?
I toss my keys in my purse then pull the strap over my head, securing my purse across my body. I quickly walk toward the woman. Her hair looks the same, but she’s a lot thinner from when I saw her last. Granted, it’s been over four years since I’ve seen anyone in my family, but I know it’s my aunt.
I cut her off as she crosses the aisle and our eyes connect. It’s her. “Aunt Connie?”
She gasps when her recollection of me surfaces to the front of her mind. “Zoe? Is that you, honey?”
I move around to the side of her cart as I nod my head. She doesn’t say a word, she just wraps me in a tight embrace. It’s then that I remember the familiarity of Sulfur Heights. When Aunt Connie would come to visit, she’d always talk about this place. I remember that, as a child, I never wanted to visit her here; it sounded scary and dangerous. It’s funny that all I’m thinking about right now is the scary and dangerous. Thinking about how much I want to be around it, to kiss it and feel it pressed against my body.
We release each other and Aunt Connie holds me at arm’s length. Her blue eyes are glistening with tears as we stand in the parking lot, staring at each other.
I look down at her cart and notice it is full of sacks. I lean down in the cart and start pulling bags out. “Where’s your car? I can help you with these.”
Aunt Connie points to a small four door sedan and pushes the button on her key ring, popping the trunk. I place the sacks in the trunk carefully. Before I close the trunk lid, I notice a sack is filled with child’s toys. It makes me wonder who she’s purchased the toys for, but I’m soon reminded of the life I left behind four years ago. I’m twenty-two and it’s very possible Sophia has had a kid. We are the same age and there was a time when she was my best friend, but when she chose to believe the lie, I knew our time as friends—as family—was over.
My stomach roars loudly and I’m instantly reminded of how hungry I am. I grab it and smile politely over to Aunt Connie. “Sorry, I guess I need to get going so I can eat. It’s good seeing you, Aunt Connie.”
I pull away from her, but before I am able to get too far, she grabs my hand, not allowing me to move away from her. “Please…I haven’t seen you in four years. What are you doing in Sulfur Heights? Did you move here?”
My heart breaks when I look in her eyes. She’s always been a good person, and growing up, I looked up to her.
She took in my mother when her parents died. She was selfless as she raised her. Aunt Connie did the best she could to raise her in a town like Sulfur Heights. She had her own family to care for, but Aunt Connie and my Uncle Ray did what they could to raise my mother and their child, Sophia’s mother, Rebecca. As soon as Rebecca and my mom were old enough, they both deserted my Aunt Connie, leaving her and the town they hated behind. I don’t remember either of them ever coming back to visit, and I can safely say I’ve never been here until a few days ago.
I don’t know what to say. A part of me wants to tell her where I’ve been, allow her to hold me and take care of each other, but it’s not possible. When I left Wisconsin years ago, I refused to lay roots down anywhere. I will only be in Sulfur Heights long enough to make some money then I will head off to the next state.
“I…I don’t want to keep you.”
“Zoe, really, it’s no bother.” She’s still holding my hand as she inches her way into my plans. “Are you going to be in town long?”
“I’ve only lived here a couple of weeks,” I answer honestly, wishing I could just leave right now.
“Then come over to my house today so we can catch up. I usually cook a decent meal on Sundays and today I was thinking of making Spaghetti.” Her blue eyes are pleading, breaking me down the longer I stare into them.
“Okay,” I whisper back and then capture Connie in a hug.
She wipes the tears from her eyes and hands me a piece of paper with her address on it. I tuck it into the back pocket of my purse and watch her enter her car. As she waves goodbye to me, I get the unsuspecting feeling it’s going to be a big mistake to go to her house. I’m starting to wish I never even left my bed this morning.
I turn back to my car and climb inside, avoiding the store altogether. My ravenous appetite vanishes as I head back to my apartment, allowing the bright sun to pierce my eyes.
Drake
Last night was a nightmare, but after my shower, I decide to shake it off and move forward with today. I walk to the kitchen and pull out a can of Mountain Dew when Delilah, Jake and Mia come strolling through the back door. Mia runs to me, and I swiftly pick her up in my arms, kissing her on the cheek. She looks beautiful in her green summer dress and pigtails. She smells like baby lotion and her honey-brown eyes are glimmering with happiness.
I let Mia down and she runs to her room
as Jake and Delilah make their way deeper into the kitchen. My smile, as always, leaves my face when my daughter is not seeking my attention. I finish chugging down my soda and break the silence.
“So how was she?” I ask, speaking to Delilah while refusing to lift my head up to connect with her eyes. Her eyes, out of everyone’s, are always filled with the most pity.
“Oh, she was just a doll,” Delilah says and giggles when Jake wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her into his body. He’s planting kisses on her neck and she can’t help but melt into his arms. The sight of their happiness infuriates me. Little gestures they do here and there always remind me of what I used to have, and how I will never have that again. The wound is still too fresh, gaping even, and until it’s partially healed, their relationship will bother me. I crush the aluminum can in my hand and choke back the rage.
I don’t acknowledge Delilah’s comment. The best thing for me right now is to separate myself from them. I toss the can in the sink and move to exit the kitchen when Jake’s irritating voice stops me in my tracks. “So…ah, Reggie told me you about snapped a guy’s neck last night. Care to tell me about that?” His voice is snarky and condescending.
Jake is a good brother, yet he doesn’t know when to leave well enough alone, and often times, I leave the room feeling worse than when our conversation started.
“There’s nothing to talk about. Why do you care anyway?”
“Hmmm…let’s think about that one, Drake. Because you almost killed someone. Because you have a two-year-old daughter to care for. Oh…and a family who cares what happens to you regardless if you don’t.” Jake moves in front of Delilah, pulling her behind his frame—his standard move lately when we have a conversation. Jake knows eventually our relationship will come to blows. His arms are tight and body poised for battle.
My actions mirror his as the fury pumps through my veins. “Leave. It. Alone,” I growl back, raising my head for the first time in ages to look my brother in the eye. We are connected in a mental showdown, and soon, both of us will explode. I can feel the tension clinging in the air and it won’t be long now. Jake senses it, too. His body becomes more rigid.
Delilah’s tiny hand comes around Jake’s midsection and she grabs onto his waist. Her head peers around his body and her eyes meet mine. I break slightly when I look into her eyes, knowing she is missing her friend as much as I’m missing my girlfriend. “Jake, come on. Let’s not do this.”
“You’re right, D. I don’t want to fight him. I’ve already lost one brother. I can’t afford to lose another.” Jake is still intently glaring at me as I wonder what his comment is supposed to mean. I disregard the comment about Jeremy, although it still pisses me off. But what does he mean? Does he think he can take me? Is he really that delusional to assume he’ll kill me if he gets his hands on me?
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I step to him, closing the gap between our tense bodies. The tension is getting thicker, cloaking even, and it’s about to go down.
Jake pulls Delilah’s hands away from his waist and steps closer to me. We are within inches of each other, and the already tiny kitchen gets smaller as our egos begin to take life. “It means, brother, that if I fight you, I won’t be the one lying on the ground when it’s all said and done.”
I step even closer, looking down on him, standing a couple inches taller than him, and try to kill him with my intense glare. The slamming of a door attempts to get my attention, but Jake’s face brings all my rage back to our conversation. “You’re a delusional fuck. And you’re weak. You won’t know what pain is until I unleash it on you.”
A smirk flashes across his face and I immediately want to smack it off. “You’re a real big man, aren’t ya, Drake? Pussies sucker punch. Pussies choke men when they’re not expecting it.” Jake exhales a deep breath into my face. “That’s how I know I’ll kill you because you’re nothing but a pussy,” he spits out at me.
I grab a hold of Jake’s throat and swing him back, slamming his body against the fridge. Contents inside rattle and unused paper towel rolls tumble from the top. Before I have time to react, Jake returns my fury with that of his own. His fist swings around then connects with my cheek. Pain erupts in my face, but I push past it, refusing to let go of his neck. I pull Jake back toward me and slam him into the fridge again, banging his head into it. Jake lands a blow to my stomach causing me to flinch in pain, but I still refuse to let go of his neck.
I begin to channel the rage living in every square inch of my body and let it explode from my arms. The harder I squeeze, the more Jake struggles to get out of my grasp. His eyes are losing their life as I keep myself from looking away. He looks just like Jeremy. He has now become Jeremy. This is exactly what I want to do with Jeremy. I want to stand over him and choke the life he has taken from me. I want retribution for Presley. I’m seeking vengeance right now, and because Jake looks so much like the brother I hate, I will take that vengeance out on him. Nothing else matters right now. Only his death. I can’t see anything else, just the red of her blood and the dying look of his face.
Jake’s blows to my stomach start to weaken as his body starts to slump and his eyes roll slightly to the back of his head.
“Dada?” The sound of her voice brings me back to the present like a brick to the head. I immediately let go of Jake and he falls to the floor, coughing and gagging. When I turn, Mia is standing in the doorway of the kitchen—horror and bewilderment encasing her eyes.
What have I done?
I look to the ground where Jake is crumpled at my feet, desperately trying to get the air back into his lungs. I turn to hold Mia, but she steps back slightly, afraid of me. The guilt of my actions takes over every other feeling I’ve ever had.
Just then, the back door opens and Reggie, Delilah and Darcie come storming in the kitchen. Delilah falls to the floor, pulling Jake up in her arms. “What did you DO?” she screams at me, her eyes liquid blue pools, her body raging in anger.
“He about fucking killed me!” Jake screams back, finally finding the air to let in and out his body. He pops to his feet, immediately sizing me up again.
“Jake!” Reggie screams. “Outside, NOW!” Reggie pulls Jake’s arm back, tugging him toward the back door. Delilah soon follows him out the door, wiping her tears as she goes. “Darcie, will you take Mia. I need to have a word with Drake alone.” Darcie says nothing as she scoops Mia up in her arms and retreats down the hall.
I connect my eyes with Reggie as the anger ignites once again. He leans back against the counter and crosses his arms over his chest as he finds the words to speak. “What happened, Drake?”
“He called me a pussy and I proved I wasn’t.” I turn my body to face his, waiting to pick up where Jake left off.
“So you about killed your brother?” Reggie pushes off the counter and meets me in the middle of the kitchen.
“Back off, Reggie,” I seethe in his direction, readying myself to punch him.
“No! You need to get a hold of yourself. Last night was one thing, but now, you tried to kill your own brother, worse yet, in front of your daughter!”
I stand, lifting my eyes to meet his, wanting to hurt him as much as I want to hurt everyone around me. They have no idea what’s going on in my life. No one knows what it’s like to lose everything you love, all at the hands of your brother. Hate and anger is all that I have left.
“You don’t know what this is like, so don’t pretend to know how I feel. I am coping the only way I know how, so spare me the lecture.”
“Look, Drake, I’ve never said I understand anything you’re going through and I don’t pretend to, either, but I will do what’s necessary to protect my family. And if you can’t get a handle on your anger, then I’ll do what I need to in order to keep you away from my family. That includes Mia.”
“Like hell you will.” I’ll be damned if anyone will raise my daughter but me. I step to Reggie and brush my chest with his. Anger is all that’s living insid
e of me.
“Back off, Drake,” Reggie warns
I ignore his threat and swing my fist. He’s not going to take my baby from me. I will kill him before I let that happen. Reggie deflects my punch and expertly moves his body, knocking me to the floor. I fall with a loud thud as Reggie falls immediately to the floor, locking me into a rear naked choke hold. It’s his infamous MMA move that has caused many men to submit almost instantly. His right forearm is tightly wound around my neck as he holds it tighter with his other hand. I try to buck my feet up and turn over to my knees, but Reggie again is one step ahead of me. He wraps his legs around my waist, squeezing the life from my midsection and pinning my legs to the floor.
His head is right by my ear and I can feel his hot breath on my neck. He’s breathing deeply as I’m trying to capture my breath. “Look at what you’ve become, Drake. You almost killed your own brother in front of your daughter. You need help.”
“You…don’t…know what…I need,” I speak in a slurred tone.
“Drake,” Reggie releases another deep breath and tightens his hold around my neck as I attempt to escape his arms, “you’re hurting, I get that, but you can’t go around beating the shit out of people because you’re pissed. You need help, and instead of fighting us, let us help you. We’re your family; that’s what we’re supposed to do.”
I start to weaken when I think of what I’ve lost. The pain of losing Presley has been dormant as I allowed the anger for Jeremy to control my every move. It’s been a long time since I’ve allowed myself to feel that hurt.
Falling limp in Reggie’s hold, my emotional floodgate crumbles. My chest is aching and all the heaviness I thought was gone comes bearing down, suffocating me, and then I see her eyes. Presley’s honey-brown eyes, and I fall apart.
Reggie releases his tight grip around my neck as I fall completely to the tile floor, rolling to my stomach and weeping into my hands. My body trembles as I grieve once again for the love that’s no longer here. She’s gone and I will never get her back. My beautiful love is gone and I can never hold her, kiss her, or tell her I love her. She’s gone forever and all that’s left is the pain of her absence.
Surviving Love Page 8
