“I know, but…I just didn’t want this to be your burden. You’ve had your fair share of troubles, Drake.” Aunt Connie shuffles her feet, cutting off Drake and stops him from pacing. He looks down at her with sadness and hurt, not anger…just pain. “I will be okay, Drake. I’m an old woman; this is what we’re supposed to do.”
Drake wraps his arms around her weary body and holds her tightly. She comforts him with motherly arms, and it’s a sight that brings tears to my eyes. I will miss my Aunt Connie. No one deserves to die the way she’s dying, but I can’t help but feel overwhelmed for Drake. For the first time since meeting him, I don’t think he’s a psychopath or a serial killer; he’s a man with a broken soul. For reasons beyond me, I have to know what has broken him in the first place.
Drake
I was so sure seeing Zoe today at Mrs. Fields’s was going to be the worst part of the day, but when Mrs. Fields reveals to me that she is dying, all the wind gets sucked out of my body. We’ve gotten so close over the last year or so, and whenever I’ve been really struggling with life, Mrs. Fields has been that comforting person that I needed. She is my rock and the only motherly figure I’ve had in my life. Now she’s dying. Dying.
When I arrive at my house sometime later, I pull Mia from the back seat. We’ve stayed longer than intended after her revelation, and now it’s after ten o’clock at night. Mia is exhausted and needs her sleep. When I walk in the house, Darcie and Reggie are snuggled up on the couch watching a movie. I stand in the entryway to the living room and stare at them. It takes a moment, but Darcie meets my eyes and stands to her feet.
“What…what is it?”
I clear my throat and readjust my sleeping child in my arms. “Mrs. Fields has cancer.” The words feel like poison in my mouth and I can barely get them out. “She’s got three months to live.”
I can feel the emotions start to surface and I quickly turn on my heels, heading to Mia’s room. I lay her down in her bed and quietly close the door. When I turn around, Darcie is standing behind me, waiting for me to elaborate. I push past her and walk into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me, instead deciding to start the shower and wash away the events of the day.
***
The next morning I’m not able to avoid Darcie when she corners me in the kitchen. I tell her all I know about the situation and ask her if she can watch Mia while I go in search for new daycare. I call in sick to my job, knowing I won’t be able to do it for long. I’ve never had to look for daycare; I’ve been lucky to have people in my life willing to help watch Mia.
The first place I go smells horribly of dirty diapers and mildew, then when I get a good look at the toddler room where Mia would be, it is disgusting. I am in the place a total of three minutes before I flee out of it like a bat out of hell. Next, I go to a daycare that is a little more expensive and looks nice on the outside, but when I walk in the front door, it is the same as the first; filled with a disgusting smell and inadequate conditions. This will not be acceptable.
The final daycare seems nice on the outside, the toys look taken care of and the yard has been maintained. When I walk inside, I notice it smells clean. I look around the lobby, seeing it appears well kept. So far so good. Then I visit the toddler room. It is exactly what I’ve pictured a daycare to be. The teachers are on the floor, playing with the kids, the room is clean and the children appear to be really happy. They also have a webcam installed so I can watch whenever I want to. That is the selling point right there.
I sign her up thirty minutes later and fill out all the appropriate paperwork. Tomorrow will be Mia’s first day, and hopefully, she will like it.
When I drive home, I can’t help but think about why I have to do this. Mrs. Fields is dying—before the year is over, she will be gone. I’m not sure which is worse, knowing when someone will die or them being ripped from your life unexpectedly. Granted, Presley’s death was torturous, yet how I’m feeling now does feels eerily similar. Mrs. Fields is like a mother to me, someone I can count on for the advice I seek. I’ve been looking forward to her watching Mia grow into a young woman, but now all of that will be gone. By this time next year, she will be gone. I will miss her so much. This right here is the reason why I don’t want to get close with anyone. It hurts too much when they leave, and there is nothing I can do about it. There never is, and it’s infuriating.
When I arrive home, Mia is up from her nap and is keeping Reggie busy. I stand in the threshold of the door, observing Mia interacting with her uncle.
“Uncie Edgey…no.” She shakes her head and takes the doll brush from his hand. Reggie just chuckles out loud and shakes his head.
“Okay, princess. Then you tell me what I need to do,” he says back, trying to be stern with her.
Mia hands Reggie the doll and shows him how to brush her hair. “Like dis, Uncie.” She starts combing the doll’s hair, slightly ripping it out, but insists she’s doing it right. “Now hers pretty.” Mia turns the doll and stuffs it in Reggie’s face. “See?”
“Yes, Mia, I see. She’s very pretty.” Reggie notices me and smiles. Then Mia sees me and comes running to my arms.
She looks precious as usual with her hair combed into a cute little braid and short outfit. I lift her in my arms and give her a hug. She wraps her arms around my neck and quickly rests her head on my shoulder. It melts my heart, as it always does.
“Hi, Dada!”
“Hi, sweet girl. Are you having fun with Uncle Reggie?” I ask as she fiddles with my cheeks.
“Yeah! He likes my baby.” Mia holds up her doll and shoves her right in my face. I push the doll away and nod my head. The look on her face is puzzling as she creases her brows and studies something beyond my sight. When she connects back with me, Mia practically throws me off guard. “Dada, what’s douchie bag? Uncie said his team was douchie bags and yelled at the TV.”
Reggie sputters a laugh and begins to gag while trying to hold back the laughter. I look at her and I’m dumbfounded. Awestruck. I don’t know what to say.
I glare over to Reggie as he makes it to his feet, holding up his hands. “Don’t look at me, man. You know who says that phrase around here.”
“Damn, Jake,” I mutter under my breath.
“Damn, Uncie Jake,” Mia repeats and smiles her big, dazzling smile. Shit, she’s repeating everything I’m saying. The timing couldn’t be worse because she’s starting daycare tomorrow and I don’t want her cursing at the teacher on the first day.
“Now, Mia, those are grownup words, okay? You don’t say those words,” I scold her.
She looks at me like I took away her favorite toy and crushed it under my boot. The tears fill in her eyes just before she lets them fall down her cheeks. Her bottom lip begins to tremble and then the onslaught of sobs soon follows. Fuck! Now I feel like a douche bag and the world’s worst dad.
Reggie again tries to stifle a laugh because he knows I feel like a fucking jerk right now, but as long as he’s in good graces with Mia then it’s all good. As much as I want to tell her I’m sorry, I know I need to hold strong. She needs to know her limits, but what that fucker in the books neglects to tell you is how tormenting the guilt can be.
“Dada, m-m-ad at me!” Mia wails and I start to sway back and forth, rubbing her back to calm her down.
“Mia,” I say, pulling her back to look at me. “Dada is not mad at you. You just can’t say those words.”
She snuggles up to my chest and rests her head on my shoulder. I continue to rock her back and forth, humming the lullaby song she loves, and before I know it, Mia’s asleep in my arms. Crisis averted for now. But next, I need to call Jake and explain for the millionth time that cursing in front of a two-year-old is not a good idea.
***
I pull up to the daycare and park the Chevelle. All morning I’ve been talking to Mia about going to school and making new friends. She seems to be okay with it, but in all honesty, I don’t think she really understands anything that is happening.
The director escorts us back to Mia’s room and opens the door with a key. The children are sitting around a very small table with tiny chairs eating breakfast. I set Mia down and let her get acclimated to her new surroundings. The teachers introduce themselves to me again and reassure me everything will be fine. I can’t help the aching feeling I have in my gut about leaving her behind, however it’s what needs to be done.
I bend down and Mia comes running into my arms, showing me a toy she’s holding. “Dada, look.”
“That’s nice, sweet girl, but Daddy’s got to go to work now. Be a good girl and I will be back soon.” Mia looks over at me with a confused expression on her face.
“Nanny? Go to Nanny’s house, Dada.” She’s so smart and very observant—it’s definitely a quality she will need in the future, I just wish it wouldn’t pop up now.
I stand with her in my arms and kiss the top of her head. “Remember, Nanny’s sick. You can’t see her today.” Mia looks like she’s about to cry, and if she does, I’m sure that I will quit my job here and now just so she doesn’t feel alone again.
The teacher recognizes what’s going on with Mia and intercedes. “Mia, would you like to have breakfast with your friends?” She points to the table with the kids sitting around munching on cereal. The teacher then holds out her hands. Mia looks to me and I nod, letting her know it’s okay. She bends down and allows the teacher to hold her. “Say bye to Daddy.”
Mia squirms from the teacher’s arms and runs to me. I squat down and give her a swift hug. She rests her head on my shoulder then stands up. “Bye Dada!” She runs back to the table and joins her friends. Yeah, she’s going to be fine here. My baby girl will be just fine.
Chapter 13
Zoe ~ One Month Later
Life in Sulfur Heights is not what I’ve expected when I moved here over a month ago. I never would have predicted that I would see my aunt, let alone take care of her now that she’s dying. I never would’ve thought I’d find a job I enjoy going to every weekend, and Lord knows I’ve never expected to make friends, yet I’ve done exactly that.
After my first weekend working at The Slab, Darcie, Gavin and I have a blast. We work really well together and they both know how to make me laugh. We don’t have too much time to joke around when we’re working, but as soon as the bar closes, we blast the music, take some shots and clean up. There have been a couple of nights I’ve had to sleep in my car because I had a little too much fun after work.
Reggie is really cool as well, but he tends to be a little uptight. Actually, he’s the complete opposite of Darcie. He’s always worried about things and rarely does he let loose. However, I will catch him staring at his wife, and in those moments, he has peace and contentment written all over his face.
Since my aunt has told me she is dying of lung cancer, I’ve made it a point to take care of her by checking in every day. The day after she broke the news to me, she told me that her own daughter doesn’t even care what’s wrong with her. Aunt Connie called her daughter, Rebecca, when she found out she was sick and that woman has yet to visit or even check up on her condition. The thought disgusts me and makes me wonder what happened to turn her against her own mother.
Then there’s Sophia, Aunt Connie’s granddaughter; my cousin and former best friend. She’s just graduated from college with a degree in teaching, is dating someone special and she too has yet to check up on her grandmother.
And my own mother… well, her absence doesn’t even surprise me. She’s never been one to care for someone who isn’t going to do something for her in return. She’s selfish and greedy and nothing has proved this more than the night she kicked me out of her life. She chose her asshole boyfriend over her own child. My mother chose to believe the lie he fed her, and when I refused to back down this time, she figured I was eighteen and it was time for me to leave the house permanently.
I think about that day all the time. It was the day my life changed forever, and part of me thanks my mother for being so selfish because I wouldn’t be where I am now if she had believed me. Nevertheless, it always hurts reflecting on the choice she made.
Fred had been her live-in boyfriend for my entire senior year of high school. He was creepy, to say the least, but he was good to my mother—and by good I mean rich. She was happy. I mostly ignored him until there was one day where I couldn’t avoid him. It’s hard to ignore someone who’s trying to force his dick into your body after he’s tied you to the bed.
Luckily for me, I wasn’t a virgin and hadn’t been for three years. Yes, I was a little loose in high school. I loved and still love sex. I love the attention I get from men, but it always has to be a mutual exchange. I said no. I bucked, thrashed and kicked as I was telling him no. He tried to rape me and didn’t give it a second thought. He did it knowing my mother wouldn’t believe me. No one believed me because I was a whore. And when I told my mother, Rebecca and Sophia what happened, they were appalled at my behavior. My mother took Fred’s side, and that very night, two days after graduation, she threw me out.
I spent the remainder of the night crying and confused when reality of what she’d just done sunk in. She chose herself over her daughter. My mind started to recall all the times she’d done that in the past. I had known right then and there that she would always choose herself. I would be second to her continuously and that wasn’t the life I was willing to live. The next morning, I walked to the bank, withdrew all the cash I had received from graduation as well as saved, then headed to the bus station with the Rocky Mountains in sight.
So when I think about my family, excluding my Aunt Connie, only one word comes into mind, selfish. They will only do something if it benefits them and them only. At first, I was exactly like them, however over the course of time, since I’ve been on my own, I know now how to survive this life and it’s by avoiding relationships. That way, no one is disappointed. I fell off the wagon with Terrance and learned my lesson when he called me a cunt and slammed his fist into my head. Yet, since coming here, I’m forming relationships left and right—it’s impossible to avoid. First with my Aunt Connie the day I ran into her at the store and she invited me to her apartment. Then with the people I work with. I can truly say I will be sad to leave them when I’m ready to move on.
The one relationship I have yet to form but can’t stop thinking about is Drake. I am fascinated by him. I haven’t seen him since that day at the apartment because he hasn’t been back to the bar or Connie’s place, but I want to see him.
At night, I lie awake and imagine what it would be like to feel him on top of me. My mind drives me crazy with erotic thoughts. I often find my hands in the waistband of my panties, pleasuring myself with images of Drake. I chalk this up to being starved for sex, considering it’s been at least three months—the longest I’ve gone in ages.
I love sex. I find it a perfect way to express myself, live through fantasies in my head, and completely lose myself in another world. It took me a couple of years to perfect my style, yet by the time I was seventeen, I had my first orgasm. It was amazing, and I’ve been hooked since.
I’m not a dominatrix type of woman. Yes, I do like to have control in my life, but the one place I want to be completely controlled is in the bedroom. I want the man to push my inhibitions and I want to be completely his. Terrance was amazing at this, and to date, he is the only man who’s ever pushed me to feel the intensity sex possesses. There’s something about Drake, though. I can feel the vibe radiating off him. He has this pent up energy and it’s dying to get out.
Drake
It’s been a long time since I’ve gone to the bar, and I’m ready for a night away from my reality. Delilah and Jake have volunteered to watch Mia tonight so I can go have a drink. There’s a part of me debating if I should go to The Slab or not. I really don’t want to sit in a different bar, filled with different people because there will be no Reggie if I snap again, but I know Zoe will be there.
That girl bothers me. She’s been in my mind more than I care to admit and it angers me because I feel like I’m pushing Presley out. I know I need to move on eventually, but if I do, does that mean I can’t have Presley in my life? Will I replace her with someone else? If that’s the case, then I don’t want to move on because I refuse to replace her or forget about her. I love her and I always will, but my body is aching to touch a woman. Ever since Zoe came to Sulfur Heights, my dick has awoken from its long slumber and it’s coming back with a vengeance.
I pull in the parking lot of The Slab and turn off the engine. I can do this. I will do what I always do and keep my head down. I will have a few drinks then I will go home and pass out. I step from the car and walk through the back entrance. The bar is slower than normal, although it’s still keeping the bartenders busy.
When I step to the bar, Reggie comes to my side. He puts his hand on my shoulder and gives me his classic look. “You okay to be here?”
Inwardly, I roll my eyes, but I think better of actually doing it. “Yeah, I’m not planning on being here long.” My attention then goes to the long legged vixen behind the bar. Zoe looks incredibly sexy tonight. She’s wearing tight black jeans and her designated Slab t-shirt. However, she’s tied a knot in the back, making the fabric ride high and baring her midriff. Zoe’s long, brown hair has been tied on top of her head, giving me another view of her long, sexy neck.
I haven’t even realized Darcie has poured me a beer until she clears her throat, smiling a wicked smile. “You okay, Drake?”
Surviving Love Page 10
