I was concerned at first that the girls were going to tell Zoe about Presley. I never wanted her to know about her during the short time we’ve had together because that means I would have to face the pity and heartache I’ve been trying to avoid.
I pulled Darcie and Delilah both aside right before Christmas, knowing they were all going shopping together. The conversation was on my mind for a long time before I could fight it. We were standing in the kitchen of Jake and Delilah’s apartment as the girls were making their shopping lists and arguing about a gift. Zoe went to use the bathroom so I took the opportunity to share my feelings.
“Don’t say anything to Zoe about…” I trailed off. Both Delilah and Darcie looked up from the piece of paper and waited for me to elaborate, but it wasn’t needed. They knew exactly what I was referring to.
“Drake, we would never disclose anything that was rightfully yours to share,” Delilah whispered. “But she will want to know eventually, don’t you think?”
I shake my head, knowing she understands where I stand on the more factor. “We have an understanding and she doesn’t pry, but if you start talking about her or the past, she will catch on. I can’t answer those questions.” I stood tall, getting irritated as they looked at me with judgmental eyes. “I will never answer those questions. Do you understand?”
“Drake, she’s not an idiot. She’ll want to know sooner or later,” Darcie hissed.
“Well, that’s something that will never happen, so don’t raise her curiosity.”
Zoe exited the bathroom and we finished our conversation. I know it was probably an unreasonable request in their eyes, but Darcie and Delilah don’t have to live through the pain like I do. They didn’t feel the blood on their hands and watch helplessly as the love of their life breathed her last breath.
Sure they’ve lost a friend, but it’s very different from my end. I’m faced with the horror of what I’ve lost every day when I look into my daughter’s eyes. I see Presley, and every time I’m reminded she’s no longer here.
Later tonight, Zoe and I will spend the evening in her bed. I have finally convinced her to at least get a bed to sleep on instead of that blow up air mattress. After a night of a hardcore sex-fest, we popped the air mattress, and when she went to buy another, I told her to get an actual bed instead. She purchased a mattress—no box spring—and told me she’d have to leave it behind when that time comes. I remember the thought of her leaving angering me, yet I’m still unsure if it’s because I care so much that she’s still thinking of leaving or at the thought of her physically being gone.
I walk up the stairs to Jake and Delilah’s apartment with Mia in my arms. She’s going to be three in a couple of months and her vocabulary has tripled. She says so much now; it’s unreal how much she sounds like a person instead of a baby.
I open the door into their kitchen to find Jake standing shirtless, digging in the fridge. I swear he never wears a shirt unless he has to, but I think it’s also because Delilah can’t help herself. He’s added to his collection of tattoos and now his back is covered with much of the same shit that’s on his arms. He’s becoming a walking work of art. I will never understand nor have the desire to, but as long as Delilah likes it, that’s all that matters.
When I shut the door, Mia wiggles out of my arms and runs to Jake. “Uncie Jake!”
Jake picks her up and gives her a toss into the air. Mia laughs loudly and Jake does it again. “Axl, you’re getting so big. Pretty soon, Uncle won’t be able to toss you up in the air.”
“Where’s Auntie D? I want her to see my fingers.” Mia holds up her fingernails that have been recently painted a bubble gum pink with glitter.
“She’s in the bedroom,” Jake informs her and Mia shoots from the kitchen like a rocket. That’s another thing, she only has one speed nowadays and that speed is run. She runs everywhere.
Jake cracks open a can of soda, taking a large swig. “So, are you and Zoe hanging out tonight?” He wags his eyebrows up and down, insinuating that he already knows what we do when we are alone. I just return his comment with an eye roll. “You know, it’s okay to be happy with her.” His statement comes from left field and rocks me off my axis.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I’m irritated instantly.
“It means, it’s okay to move on. You of all people deserve to be happy, so just…be.” Jake finishes his soda and tosses the can into the trash. He then rubs his belly and releases a huge burp. “Zoe’s cool and she’s good with Axl. I think she’s exactly what you need, but the question is, are you smart enough to realize that?”
I’m taking relationship advice from the one man who has avoided it at all costs. Now that he and Delilah are exclusive, he thinks it gives him a right to council me. Give me a fucking break.
“I’m not having this conversation,” I say, trying to suppress my anger as I hear Delilah and Mia walking into the kitchen.
I plant a smile on my face then lean forward, kissing my daughter goodbye.
“Bye, Daddy! Auntie D has finger paint, too!” She’s very excited to show me Delilah’s nails are also painted pink and the site of her happiness is impossible to ignore. I give her another swift kiss and walk from the kitchen.
As the cold air hits my skin, an unsettling feeling starts to flood in. I can’t shake what my brother has just advised me to do. What does he know anyway? He’s only been in one relationship and that person is alive and well, sleeping in his bed. She’s not six feet under and didn’t leave you abandoned with a child to raise alone. Nevertheless, it’s impossible to ignore his comments.
Is it okay to really be happy with Zoe? I mean, I’m happier now than I have been in almost two years, but is what I have enough?
Jake gets my mind thinking about a place I know I can’t go, but it’s a place I will soon have to face if I want to keep Zoe in my life. And right now, I don’t have the ability to give her the part of myself she deserves to have.
The sickening reality is cutting me deep, knowing our days are numbered. I should have let her leave sooner. I should have never told her it was okay to stay. I should have…I can’t even complete a thought, it’s too overwhelming.
Zoe
I’m finishing getting ready for Drake to come over, and I can’t stop the excitement. Every time he comes over, my heart flutters and my knees get weak. I am head over heels in love with this man, but I have yet to tell him. I’ve been waiting patiently to disclose my true feelings, knowing it will be impossible to keep them inside for much longer. However, I’m afraid. I don’t know how he will react. We’ve never had that conversation of more since the first time we were together. I’ve avoided it like the plague. The day I reveal my heart is coming soon, as I feel it living just below the surface. I only wish he’d be as open to my love as I am to his.
Two hours later, Drake finally stumbles up the stairs to my apartment and bangs on the door. When I open it up, he is barely standing while holding a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels—completely drunk out of his mind.
“Hey, ZOOOOEEEE,” he emphasizes my name in long, loud syllables. He’s so drunk he can no longer control the level of his voice. Well, it looks like I will be babysitting a drunk tonight, so much for anything else.
I open the door wider and invite him to come in. He’s barely holding himself up, using the wall as a brace, however that ends up moving on him and down he goes. His backside hits with a hard thud and the bottle of Jack crashes to the floor, shattering into a thousand tiny pieces.
“Jesus, Drake!” I scold and am secretly thankful the below neighbors moved out last week.
“Oops.” He begins to laugh then momentarily gets angry at himself. “Fuck!” Drake punches the carpeted floor hard. Great, whiskey drunks are the hardest. It makes people so mean and hard to deal with. Hopefully, I don’t have too many problems with him.
After sweeping up the shards of glass and wiping up the booze, Drake starts to pass out on the floor. I bend down and grab his boot in
my hand. “Here,” I say as I untie the strings and carefully slip them both off. I stand to my feet and extend my hand. I glance at him to take my outstretched hand so I can help him up, which he gladly does. I manage to get him to his feet, just enough to help him over to the bed in the middle of my living room.
I move to the kitchen and get a glass of water and two Advil, knowing he will need this sooner rather than later. “Here.” I drop the pills into his hand and pass over the glass of water. Drake chugs it down and wipes off the wandering dribbles of water that have fallen onto his chin. I kneel in front of him and his eyes light up with delight—yeah, that’s not going to happen. “Not right now, cowboy. You need to sleep for a while first.”
“I’ve never had whiskey dick…ever. So let’s do this, Zoe.” Drake grabs the crotch of his pants, clasping onto his manhood. I am turned on slightly, but I cannot have sex with someone—well, Drake—when he may not remember it in the morning.
“Just sleep for a couple of hours and I promise you I will take care of that rather big situation.” I’m good at stroking the egos of drunks—hell, I’m a bartender; I do it for a living.
He smiles wickedly and then lifts his arms. I remove his shirt, and when he lays back, I unbutton his pants and slip them off. Drake rolls to his side and mumbles incoherently. Seconds later, he’s passed out, snoring.
This is not the night I’ve envisioned for us, but hopefully we can salvage something positive before he has to leave in the morning. I stand, stripping to my bra and panties then slip under the covers next to him. I turn on the small stereo, allowing the blues-filled voices to take me away as I fall fast asleep.
Drake
I crack my eyes open when the sound of quiet music begins to stir my consciousness. My stomach is queasy and my head is aching. I open my eyes fully to a dark apartment, and when I roll to my side, Zoe is passed out next to me. The faint blue light from the stereo is illuminating her face just enough for me to see her. She looks beautiful, as she always does.
I slide out of bed, noticing I’m stripped to my boxers, and walk to the bathroom. My bladder is dying right now and my mouth feels like it’s full of cotton. I was angry at Jake’s and my conversation, which prompted me to drive to the liquor store and buy a bottle of whiskey. Two hours later, I was drunk in Zoe’s parking lot and willing myself to go upstairs. That’s the last I remember. I must have talked myself into it, considering I’m pissing in her toilet right now.
I flush, wash my hands and splash cold water on my face. The coolness wakes me up a little and takes me out of my drunken state. Next, I bend over and take huge drinks from the faucet, saturating my dry throat. It feels like the best drink of water I’ve ever had. I open up her cabinet and squirt some toothpaste in my mouth, using my finger as a brush. When I’m done, I feel a little more human as I quietly walk back to the bed. Zoe is sitting up, wearing her bra and panties, arousing my dick instantly.
“Are you okay? Do you need more medicine?” she asks with a look of general concern on her face. I feel like a douche knowing she’s had to babysit my drunken ass.
“No, I’m fine. Um, sorry about showing up wasted. I never meant to do that,” As I apologize, I lie down next to her on the bed. She scoots closer to me and snuggles into my arms. “Jake and I had a discussion and it pissed me off.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” Her fingers are tracing the lines of my stomach and coming dangerously close to the waistband of my boxers. Suddenly, I have no idea why I was mad in the first place. She’s distracted me just enough.
I roll on top of her, settling myself between her legs. She looks up at me with hooded eyes and then they glance down to my lips. We’ve been hanging out for a while now, but I still I haven’t kissed her. I would be lying if I said I haven’t thought of it, yet I just don’t know if I can give her that part of myself. I’m too big of a pussy to give up what I had with Presley to possibly have something similar with Zoe.
“Kiss me, Drake.” Zoe’s voice is barely above a whisper, however the desperation is evident in her tone. Her eyes are pleading and lust-filled all in one. Her lips…they beg me to touch them with mine, yet her eyes look scared to know what it will truly mean when they do touch. I don’t ever want to discover that. I can’t give that part of me up. I don’t think I ever will.
“I…I…can’t, Zoe. You know I can’t.” The guilt slices me up one side and down the other when her blue eyes flash the hurt. It kills me knowing I’m the reason the brokenness is there.
She releases a deep breath. “I know.”
I lean down and kiss the side of her face, coming very close to her lips. The heat from her breath is tickling my cheek as I hold my lips to the corner of her mouth, just outside the reach of her lips. She holds me tighter with her arms, crushing me into her body. We need to get lost in each other. This is how we can erase all the fucked-up-ness we have in our lives and find a piece of solace. We find it here, together.
I start to kiss Zoe down her neck, sucking her earlobe into my mouth before I travel my way down to the base of her neck. As she lets out a moan, it only encourages me to kiss her more, to kiss every inch of her body. So that’s what I do. I take my time trailing down her body, spending time on her breasts, the valley of her stomach and finally down to her waistline. I pull her panties down and toss them to the floor. Then I kiss my way back up her legs until my lips are touching hers at the peak of her thighs.
Soon, I’m grazing her delicately swollen clit. I take my time caressing her body with my tongue, tasting her sweet juices and savoring in the pleasure I am giving her. Zoe clenches and shakes as her orgasm rips through her body like a ramped tidal wave. She’s quaking and trembling, overtaken by the indulgence of our passion.
I keep placing faint kisses to the insides of her thighs and the rumble of her quaking vibrates my face. I inch my hand down my torso and wrap my fingers firmly around my dick. I start at the base then slowly move my hand the length of my cock. It’s as hard as a piece of steel and the slight upward motion feels insanely good. I am so fucking turned on as I watch Zoe come down from the intense orgasm.
I want her to know what she does to me. I lean up on my knees, just as she opens her eyes and they immediately affix to my dick. I start to move my hand slightly faster, watching her fall victim to me yet again with every stroke I give.
I’ve never been so brazen with sex as I am with her. I’ve never jerked off with a woman in the room, let alone allowed them to watch. With Zoe, though, all my inhibitions are gone. She brings out this sexual beast I never knew existed, and I like it. I like it probably too much. Even with the girls before Presley, I was never so forward. With Presley, yeah, we had hot nights I cherished, but she was far too fragile to get creative with. I would’ve never been able to slap her ass when I’m riding her from behind, or slam her into the wall. I could never pin her arms above her head and have her completely submit to me, especially after what she experienced with Robert. It was sweet and slow; never…this.
A small drop of come moistens the tip of my finger and I know exactly what I should do with that. I swipe my finger over the head of my dick, collecting the drop on the pad of my finger then nod my head up to Zoe. She watches closely as my finger gets closer to her mouth. “Open,” I demand and she complies. Her lips wrap around my finger and she slowly starts to suck the white pearl. I become ravenous.
I fall down on top of Zoe, crushing her with my weight then snag her wrists up into my hand. Securing her hands above her head, I use my other hand to guide my dick inside of her. Zoe sucks in a deep breath through her teeth; she’s tight and I fill up her small opening. I dip my face down to hers. Out of a moment of weakness, I lean down, planting a faint kiss to the outside of her lips.
I want to kiss them badly right now. I want to have a night of love making and not just sex or fucking. I want a night like I used to have with Presley. Now, I want that in this moment with Zoe.
I succumb to the overpowering feelings and release h
er wrists. I put my elbows on either side of her head, and I begin to move my hips. I push myself in deep, hold my body still then pull back out. I continue this slow tortuous movement, bringing Zoe closer to the brink each and every time. I lean down and touch my forehead to hers. Our lips are close, so close I can feel the heat of her breath against mine, but I don’t move closer. I just keep moving in and out of her. Our eyes connect and we hold each other’s gaze while we make love to each other for the first time.
Zoe lifts her legs and wraps them around my body. She elevates her hips to match each movement of mine. Her hands find my face, palming my cheeks, yet her gaze stays affixed to mine as we move in unison.
The sensation of being with Zoe is overpowering me. I am feeling something new that’s been building for quite some time. And here it is. I am standing at the edge of the bridge. It’s right there for me to cross, and if I do, I will tell Zoe I want her to be mine. However, as I make love to her, holding her in my arms, I can’t will myself to take that giant step. The possibility of losing Presley in my thoughts holds me back from being with Zoe in life.
The heat from her hands on my face warms the ice I’ve packed around my heart. She’s been melting my icy existence from the moment I saw her. And now, I’m right there with her, the last piece of ice is starting to crumble, but it holds strong. It holds on to me, reminding me of Presley. I can’t allow that piece to disintegrate. I have to hold onto it. I have to protect the memory of Presley.
I start to quickly move inside of her, suddenly feeling the need to get this over with. My emotions are distracting me, and I need to break free from this treacherous prison. I clear all the thoughts from my head and focus on one thing, making her come again.
I push myself into her hard and deep. She accepts me when her hands release my face and come around to my ass, instructing me to push harder and deeper. Then she starts to cry out as her orgasm hits her like a crashing wave against a cliff. As I sit up on my knees and drive myself into her hard, she shakes and trembles then arches her back from the mattress. I become possessed by the pleasure she’s feeling. I ram into her a few more times and feel my release explode inside of her. It causes my own body to go weak and I collapse on top of her, fighting to find my breath.
Surviving Love Page 18
