“I know you do because no one would put up with me otherwise. And I…I…” I’m fumbling with my words, but I want to get them out. I want her to know. “I feel something for you, too. Something powerful. It’s almost indescribable, but I don’t think I’m ready to name it yet.”
Zoe smiles again and nods her head, still resting in my hands. “It is powerful, isn’t it?”
I look into her eyes then down to her lips. She freezes, not knowing what I’m going to do. I can feel her ramped up heartbeat pounding from her neck. Slowly, I lean forward and put my lips to hers. I hold them there, reveling in the overpowering feelings she evokes in me. Her lips are soft and full. They are a cushion of desire and they bring me back to life. The moment our lips touch, I feel my body come to life.
I pull my lips off of hers and lightly push them onto hers again, trying to see if the electricity is still there, and it is. The feeling is intense, and soon, I press my lips to hers again and again and again. I’m lost in her lips. I stroke them with mine. Zoe wraps her arms around my back, pulling me closer to her naked body. This time, with each tender kiss, the action itself gets deeper and more connected until, finally, I feel her tongue on mine and they begin to tango. Then, like everything I’ve ever had with Zoe, my feelings overwhelm me. I’m completely lost in her.
I reach my hand around to the base of her neck and pull her closer to me. I’m addicted to this woman’s kiss already, I can feel it. I can feel what I’m ready to have with her and once I’ve let go of Presley—gained the acceptance—Zoe will fully be mine, and I will completely be hers. With each stroke of our tongues and dance of our lips, I can feel myself becoming hers and her becoming mine. Our connection is finally sealed, and we’ve done it with one kiss.
Tears are falling from her eyes; I can feel them resting on my cheeks. As I pull my lips from hers and study her face, Zoe smiles her big, electrifying smile and so do I.
“More?” she whispers through her tears.
I nod my head, knowing what I want. For the first time in a long time I know what I want, and that is Zoe. “More.”
She pulls me down to lie on top of her and we get lost in each other. Our lips, our bodies, our feelings blend and meld when we become more than our excruciating pasts. We become united. We become blissful. We are finally connected, and soon, we will be free of the pain because we’ve faced it together.
Chapter 23
Zoe ~ Two Months Later
The air is crisp and clean, refreshed from a spring rain. The grass is gleaming with drops of water as it’s been brought back to life by a simple drink. The winter has gone, the snow has finally melted, and now all that remains is the life a new season can bring. My life mirrors this.
It’s been a couple of months since Drake was ready for more, and since that day, the emotions surrounding his heart have thawed, just like the cold Michigan winter. It’s slowly begun to melt and he is fully exposed to his feelings—ready to begin anew. Our relationship is now like the grass, we’ve been brought back to life as we thrive and grow. And it feels good.
With Drake by my side, I’ve come to forgive my mother and her horrible choice to disown me. I know we will never gain back what we’ve lost or could ever have in the future, but I’ve forgiven her anyway. My aunt told me it’s better to forgive than live with the pain of not, so I have. I wrote the words in a notebook and filed the letter away. I forgave my mother, and each day that passes, it gets better and better. With Drake by my side, it all seems to get better. Besides, I couldn’t possibly tell Drake to move on with his life if I don’t do the same.
The weight of my past has been lifted, and whenever I feel the sadness or anger try to settle back in, I pull Drake aside and kiss him. It is my reminder that, no matter what, the grass is always greener. If I wouldn’t have gone through my banishment, I would have never ended up in Sulfur Heights. I would have never reconnected with my aunt and I would have never found my future. I would have never found Drake, Mia or the rest of the Evans family.
Today is going to be one of those challenging days, but not for me, for Drake. He told me last night after he woke from a dream he is ready to see Presley. I know this is going to be huge. He is ready to confront the loss head on and find acceptance with her death. I know I have to be strong for him today.
Shortly after we reestablished our relationship, Drake admitted to me that he hasn’t ever been to her grave. Then, when he told me he wanted me to go with him, I replied that I wouldn’t be anywhere else.
The spring air feels good as the wind blows through the window, but the chill brushes across my skin, peaking as Drake pulls the Chevelle into the cemetery and drives up a winding road until we arrive at her grave. I look to the left of Presley’s plot and see the grass has grown over my aunt’s grave. I’m momentarily reminded of the last time I was here. I miss her everyday and I only hope I am living life like she wanted me to. I hope she’s proud of me.
Drake
The past couple of months have been the happiest I can ever remember. I feel guilty saying this, but I’m even happier than when I was with Presley. Although I loved her unconditionally, she was so sad all the time. Back then, I chose not to see it, but after Zoe made me face the pain of losing her, I’ve done a lot of reflecting on Presley and our relationship. God knows I loved her, I would have died for her, yet when I really think about our relationship, I see that it was one struggle after another.
Maybe if that night never happened and she and I were together now, we’d be just as happy as I am currently, but then again, maybe we wouldn’t. She was lost inside herself most of the time and it took her almost dying of a heroin overdose to realize how she needed to climb back out. There was always that chance she would fall back in, though. Most of her life she struggled to keep herself out of the dark and it hurts knowing there was nothing I, or anyone else, could have done to help her.
Knowing Zoe’s track record for moving around, I’m a little nervous she’ll up and leave. She is definitely a free spirit and has no problem living life on her own, but when I asked her to stay, she simply said okay and went about her business. It was the oddest yet best moment I’ve had in ages, and I’m so glad she decided to remain in Sulfur Heights.
She told me later on the night I kissed her that she had made up her mind and knew she would never leave. She was just waiting for me to ask. Then she told me if she ever left again, I was in the passenger seat beside her and Mia in the back. This made me happier than I ever expected. Knowing she was going to be here for me and my daughter had my already tender emotions growing more.
Last week, we found Zoe a small two bedroom apartment in a better neighborhood. We spent the next day shopping for furniture and everything else that makes a house a home. She was ecstatic. Jake, Reggie and I just hung back as Darcie, Delilah and Zoe fluttered from aisle to aisle, finding the items to add to her apartment. Even my little Mia was drunk with the happiness of shopping. She walked hand in hand with Zoe, picking out new furnishings and little odds and ends she thought Zoe needed in her new place. It was precious to watch. By the end of the day, Zoe came away with actual things to sit on and every purple decoration known to man. Mia loves purple and assumed Zoe loved it as well.
I couldn’t have found a better woman to be around my daughter than Zoe. Mia immediately fell in love with her and always wants to spend time with Zoe. They go on little shopping excursions and together we go to the movies or out to dinner. It feels like we are a family, the three of us. It’s the family I desperately tried to have with Presley, and toward the end, I got a taste of.
Zoe and I have agreed to take things slow. Although time has been my enemy, I don’t want us to rush each other simply because we might run out of time. I want our feelings toward one another to develop and blossom over time. I want to slow down and take the time to experience every feeling possible with Zoe. I don’t want to rush into anything. I just want the more to last. I want us to last.
It is a long week and w
e were both exhausted from moving her into a bigger apartment, unpacking and assembling furniture. We’ve spent a good part of the day putting together Mia’s room. Considering Mia and I have sleepovers here every weekend, Zoe has decided she’ll have a room dedicated only to Mia. She felt pretty special she has two rooms again. Since her Nanny died, Mia has been missing having multiple places to stay over.
Even if I tried, I couldn’t keep Mia away from Zoe’s apartment. She’s a spoiled princess in that respect, but I knew she would be the moment she was born. All of us caved for her honey-brown eyes and precious smile. I’ve learned to not fall victim to her pleading in such a sweet Mia only way, but my brothers, on the other hand… Yeah, well, they are suckers. Mia only has to bat her eye lashes and she’s surrounded by candy and toys or whatever she wants. Jake especially; he’s such a pushover for anything Mia, and she knows if she really wants something, Uncle Jake will be the one to give it to her.
Last night, I was physically exhausted from the three hour sex-fest Zoe and I had. We were taking advantage of Mia having a sleepover with her Aunt Delilah and Uncle Jake. We started out in the kitchen, and moment by moment, we made our way down the hallway, into the shower before we eventually ended up on the bed. Three hours spent inside Zoe and I was ready to sleep with her in my arms. And for a couple of hours, that’s what I did.
I woke up suddenly when I dreamt of Presley for the first time in months. It wasn’t the usual tormenting nightmares of blood and death; it was a remembrance of an actual conversation we had. Shortly after Presley came back from rehab, we would spend the nights awake, talking and reconnecting with one another again.
One night, she had been lying in my arms, snuggled next to my body, when she said, “You know, all I want is for you to be happy, right?” I nodded then I remember being confused, knowing in that moment I couldn’t get any happier. She was alive and well, by my side. I was on cloud fucking nine. “I don’t want you to be alone, Drake.”
I had rolled to my side so I could look into her eyes. My stomach fell to my feet and my heart began to hammer wildly in my chest. I was worried she was starting to slip back into the darkness again. I knew it would always be her war, a constant battle she was forced to face every single day, and I was consistently worried I’d lose her for good. “Why are you talking like this?”
“Because…it’s inevitable. I won’t be around as long as you. I can feel this evilness always following me, and sooner or later, it will catch up with me.” Her voice was hushed and she sounded meek. “I will always love you and I know you’ll always love me, but that doesn’t mean I want you to spend your nights alone. I want you to be happy.” Presley’s eyes released a tear as she wore her face of despair.
“Stop…stop talking about this. Nothing is going to happen, okay? And if it does…we will get through it together. I won’t lose you.” With that, I pulled her into my arms and we got lost in each other.
As I climbed out of Zoe’s bed, I slipped on my boxers. I remember feeling overwhelmed with the emotion from that dream—well, not really a dream, but a memory. Presley knew it then that something horrible was going to happen to her; she could sense it and I didn’t even see it. I chose to ignore all of the warning signs and saw only what I wanted to see. Could I have stopped it? Could I have prevented the whole fucking night?
I paced Zoe’s apartment and found myself standing out on the small balcony off her living room. The spring air was crisp against my skin, but I welcomed the cold. I was starting to feel the pain all over again. Then, it’s like she heard me call to her; Zoe was there. She was behind me, wrapped in a blanket. She leaned into my back and laid her head down between my shoulder blades.
“Are you okay?” she whispered to my back.
I stood frozen for a moment, wanting to bottle up the painful feelings stirred up by my dream, however I needed to tell her. I can’t heal and move forward unless I talk. So I did.
“I had a dream…or remembered a conversation we had shortly before she died.” Zoe unwrapped the blanket from her body and brought her arms around my waist. I could feel her naked breasts against the skin of my back. “She knew something was going to happen to her. She was talking about how she knew she wasn’t going to live long. And I ignored it. I chose to ignore it. Could I have stopped all of it?” The guilt was building, followed by the fear and anger.
“No, Drake, there was no way you could have known.”
“But, I could’ve—”
“No, there wasn’t. No one could have predicted it, any of it. Life has a way of making us question every situation we face. And with the big ones, we’re always wondering what we could have done differently. And truthfully, the answer is nothing. Events like that have a purpose, and there is nothing anyone can do to stop them. The only control we have over stuff like that is how we choose to handle it.”
I turned around and wrapped Zoe in my arms. She is special to me and through our pain we’ve become kindred spirits. I’m not sure where I’d be if I chose to stay away from her, if I chose a different path. And its then that I realized how right she was. I couldn’t have stopped Carter from killing Presley; there was no way I would have known his true intentions. He was there to take me out, and in a way, he did.
He killed the part of me. And until Zoe, I thought I could never have it back again. I remember holding Zoe tightly in my arms, and thinking I’m ready. I need to make my peace with that night.
Almost two years later, I’m ready to face her again.
“Will you come with me tomorrow?”
“Sure. Where are we going?” she answered before even knowing where I wanted to take her.
I pulled her back and looked into her eyes. They were warm and welcoming and I fell in. “I’m ready to…to see her. Will you go with me?”
She didn’t hesitate with her words a single second, “Yes.”
We spent the remaining hours of the night tangled with each other. I remember how powerful it felt to finally admit I was ready to move on.
I’m pleased Zoe recognized how influential the moment is going to be for our future.
As I pull into the cemetery, I drive the Chevelle along the curved roads until I spot the plot where Presley is now resting. The intensity of the moment makes my heart slam into my ribs, constricting my ability to breathe normally. I’m sitting frozen in my seat, scared to get out and face the terrifying conversation.
Zoe’s hand comes to my arm and reminds me of why I’m here. Without this, I can’t move forward with this woman, and every fiber of my being knows how much I want Zoe to be in my life. I have to do this.
She pulls the flowers from the back seat and encourages me with her eyes. She’s telling me it’s okay and she will be here for me when I’m done. The thought is reassuring, encouraging me to face my future.
I squeeze her hand and slowly exit the car. The air is unseasonably warm for early March, but the moment my feet connect with the grass, the clouds cover the sun, taking all the warmth away.
Since this is the first time I’ve been here, I take a moment to look at my surroundings. The cemetery is small. However, the lawn is well manicured, headstones of all shapes and sizes cover the detailed lawn, and resting under a large tree is Presley’s plot.
I start to walk toward her. My feet are as heavy as concrete blocks, but I keep putting one boot in front of the other. Before I face this, I notice that Mrs. Fields’s grave is next to Presley’s. The thought makes me happy knowing that, even in death, Mrs. Fields is looking after her. I pull a white lily from my bouquet and lay it on top of her headstone. I nod my head to her, knowing she’s not only looking after Presley, but all of us. I can feel her presence around me. It’s comforting.
When I turn to the left, Presley’s headstone comes into view. The black granite is rounded on the edges and mounted on a small matching platform. I lay the bundle of colorful lilies on the top of the granite and study every feature it possesses. The headstone itself is not fancy. It’s very plain w
ith flowers etched in the upper left corner and the name QUINN across the middle. Just below her name a quote is scrolled into the stone. It reads, “In life, I survived. In death, I am free.”
The inscription sends me to my knees as all the looming sadness comes crashing into my heart. I can feel the hurt suffocating me, ripping me practically in half. No other phrase could have explained Presley better. Her life was nothing but survival. She was trying to survive the past one day at a time. As for me, I’ve been trying to survive my love for her from the moment we met.
The tears well up and release from my eyes as they travel down my cheeks and onto the wet grass. I miss her so much. Every day without her has been hard, an impossible battle I’ve had to face when I wake up in the morning. I miss her small smile. The way she’d giggle when I gently ran my fingers down her sides. The way her lips always tasted like cherry Chapstick and the way she would always be fastened by my side, looking to me to blanket her fears and give her protection from the impending thoughts.
I can feel myself fall apart a little more as I mourn for the woman I love and the mother of my child. I take a few moments to collect myself. I’m here to finally set my agony free and move forward with the rest of my life. This is what she wanted, this is what she was telling me last night when I dreamt the memory my psyche chose to temporarily forget. I’m ready to be free. I want to move forward and not be stuck in the past, wallowing in pain.
I debated on writing her a letter again so I could organize my thoughts, but I’ve decided whatever I need to say would be from my heart and she’d appreciate that. And so I begin, “Presley, I miss you.” As the tears free fall from my eyes again, I don’t wipe them away. I let their moisture remind me of why I’m here—to let go of the pain. “I’m sorry I haven’t come to see you, baby, but it’s been hard. Every day since you died has been so hard to function, hell, even to breathe because I’ve been doing it alone. I never thought I would come here. I never thought I could summon the nerve to face you again, but I can’t keep living my life in this cloak of sadness.” I run my hand down the cool granite, similar to how I had run it over her arms when she needed the comfort.
Surviving Love Page 20
