Damn Henny. Damn Dan. It just wasn’t supposed to be this way.
“What’s wrong, girl?” Colette asked. “Why’re you crying?”
“It’s a very long and complicated story.” Benny couldn’t seem to stop herself. In this company of women, strangers and sisters at the same time, Benny spilled her guts in soft tears and gentle sobs amid crooning clucks from the other women gathered in closer. From Henny’s death to Valentine’s Day to the night prior in the dark garden with the oblivious father of her child, she told them everything—except about Augie. Him, she kept firmly to herself.
“That’s a lot of drama, there,” Teresa shook her head. “Good enough to be on TV.”
“So that’s what a white girl like you is doing at this place.” Colette whistled. “I didn’t figure on all that.”
Benny startled. “There are other white women here besides me.”
“Sure there are, but not like you. We’re all here ’cause we’re poor and have no health insurance worth a damn. I can tell you’re not poor. You don’t have the look.”
Benny’s glance flickered from face to face, then she blushed for doing so. She had never considered herself well off, but neither did she ever feel poor. Her parents had worked hard all their lives. They owned a home without a mortgage, always had food and fuel and a little something extra to pay for a vacation somewhere warm when winter lingered too long. She and Henny had been the same, living in safe poverty upstairs from her parents, where she still lived now on her survivor benefits, state-supplemented insurance, and the small but sufficient salary she made working at Savvy’s. She even managed to save a bit in the yet-to-be-used travel fund.
These women had never been on vacation. They had no savings. They lived day to day, paycheck to paycheck. They went to the childbirth clinic where the wait time was always several hours even with an appointment because they had no other choice, not because they didn’t want anyone in their town to know they were pregnant. Black women. White women. Asian and Latina women. Colette was right. Benny did not look like them. She couldn’t put her finger on what it was setting her apart, but she felt it. Keenly. And it made her feel like crying all over again.
“Colette,” the receptionist called. The woman beside her rose awkwardly to her feet.
“You got to tell that man he’s having a baby,” she said. “Make sure he pays you child support.”
“You’re a stone-cold fish, Colie.” Teresa shook her head. “This has nothing to do with money. Isn’t that right, Benny?”
“Colette? You coming or you want to give your spot to someone else?”
“I’m coming, Trudy. Hold your water. Lord knows, I can’t.” Then to Benny. “Just tell him.”
“I will.” Benny sniffed. “Thank you, Colette.”
Teresa took her hand as Colette waddled away, patted it. “You’re going to be just fine. You’ll see.”
Benny nodded. The sensation of being watched lingered a few moments longer, then faded. The room went silent again, except for the sound of magazine pages turning. But Teresa kept her hand gently in hers.
* * * *
It was nearly one o’clock before the receptionist, Trudy, called Benny’s name. Colette and Teresa were already seen and gone, but not without giving Benny their phone numbers.
“You call,” Colette said.
“Anytime,” Teresa added.
And they had left together, despite all their arguing.
Benny sat on the exam table in a gown that wouldn’t close over her boobs, a drape over her legs, and needing to pee. The door opened.
“Oh.”
Benny nearly peed on the table. “Savvy. What? What are you…?”
“Doing here?” Savannah closed the door behind her and opened the file in her hand. “The same thing I do every Wednesday. I would ask you what you’re doing here but I see by the chart it’s a sixteen-week ultrasound. The tech will be in shortly. You haven’t been in since your first appointment confirming your pregnancy. I’d like to do a quick exam, unless you have some objection.”
“Objection. N—no. You’re a doctor?”
“OB/GYN,” Savannah answered. “Shimmy down to the end here and put your feet in the stirrups.”
Benny did as she was told, mesmerized and astonished and close to spewing the kind of laughter that turned quickly to tears. “I’m not sure I’ll be able to look you in the eye again.”
“I’ve seen lots of cooches in my day, sugar. Yours is no different.”
Savannah performed her exam quickly, gently. Benny gasped anyway.
“I see you drank the water you were told to.”
“I admit, I peed about an hour ago.” Benny squirmed. “I couldn’t hold it anymore. But I did drink the tea Trudy brought me, and a bottle of water besides since then. I’m hurting just as bad now, so it’s okay, right?”
“If you can hold it a squinch longer, yes. It makes the image a bit better. Our machine is an older one.”
“I can. Sure. But just a squinch. I think I might die soon if I can’t pee.”
“Such drama.” Savannah squeezed her foot. “I’ll get the tech.”
Benny lay on the table, staring at the ceiling. “This is surreal,” she muttered. “What next? Is Dan going to walk in to fix a lightbulb?”
Savvy returned with a device that looked like an old transistor radio. “The tech’s going to be a few minutes.”
Benny came up on her elbows. “What’s that thing?”
“Fetal heart Doppler. Haven’t you heard your baby’s heartbeat yet?”
Benny looked at the device, at Savannah, and shook her head.
“Well, lay back. It’s time you did.”
Savannah exposed Benny’s belly, squeezed clear goop onto her skin. “Sorry, it’s a little cold. There are warmers available, but we can’t afford one. We usually have to wait for the hospital to donate old equipment when they get new.” The Doppler clicked on, a static squeak that jolted through Benny. Savannah stretched out the coiled cord, slid the wand microphone around in the goop. Static bumps and swishy sounds crackled out of the speaker, and then…
Whoosh-swhoosh-whoosh-swhoosh.
Like a jump rope out of childhood, muffled by years and years. The steady sound of her baby’s heartbeat sent waves of joy skating over Benny’s skin.
“Amazing, isn’t it?” Savannah whispered. “The size of a banana, and already making so much noise.”
The door opened and in sailed a woman who could not have topped five feet with heels on. Savannah moved back, and the jump rope sound vanished. “She’s already gooped.”
The tech stepped onto the stepstool beside the ultrasound machine and gooped her up again anyway.
After the initial gasp, Benny relaxed. The tiny being growing inside her wriggled and jumped like a cricket on the grainy screen.
“There is the spine.” Savannah pointed while the tech took measurements. “And ribs. A femur right there. Can you see it, Benny?”
“Yes,” she whispered. The clear outline of brow, nose, lips, chin filled her up. Love was not a strong enough word, but there were no others that came as close. Tears rolled down the side of her face. Benny wiped them quickly away, wishing.
“Do you want to know the sex?” the tech asked.
“Can you tell already?”
“If the little one cooperates. Sure.”
“Okay, yes. But it’s a boy,” Benny said. “I know it is.”
The three watched the screen in silence as the tech’s wand glided all over Benny’s belly and suddenly stopped.
“Do you see, Doctor?”
“I do. Couldn’t ask for a better view.”
“What?” Benny asked. “I don’t know what I’m looking at.”
Savvy and the tech laughed. “You’re looking at your little girl’s lady-bits,” Savvy told her. “Sorry, sugar. It’s not a boy.”
Benny squinted at the screen. “You sure?”
> “There is never one hundred percent with this old machine,” the tech said. “But I would give it a ninety-eight point five percent you’ve got a baby girl cooking. You want a picture?”
“Yes, please.”
The tech click-click-clicked and a grainy image curled out of the printer. She handed it to Benny. “Baby’s first photo-shoot.” Then to Savannah, “I’ll put the results in her file, but everything looks good. The baby measures right for sixteen weeks.” The tech waved and left.
Savannah flipped through Benny’s file as if she were really reading it.
“Savvy?”
Savannah stilled. When she looked up, her eyes were bright. “There was no reason to tell you or anyone what I was in Georgia, and what I do here. I volunteer my time at this clinic. It’s not my job. My job is the farm.”
“You don’t have to explain anything,” Benny assured her. “I was just going to say I’ll keep your secret if you keep mine. Well, I’d keep it anyway, but you know what I mean.”
“It’s not a secret,” Savannah said. “I just don’t broadcast it. And you, my friend, are not going to be able to keep—oh.”
“Oh?”
“Your trip to North Carolina. This is why you’re going, not to get away from Bitterly.”
Benny averted her gaze. “I do need to get away, and the reasons are still valid.”
“No they are not, Benedetta. The trip went from something you needed to do to running away.”
“I just want to figure things out before the shit hits the fan.”
“What is there to figure out? You’re stalling.”
“And? Is that so bad?”
“Benny.” Savannah sat next to her on the exam table. “I can’t even imagine what you’ve got going through that pretty head of yours, but I know you well enough by now to get you.”
“Get me?”
“Yes, get you. You’re an avoider. Avoiders only move forward by accident. You are never going to get over Henny’s death if you continue to avoid life, but that’s your choice. There is no choice where this baby is concerned. Avoid facing it all you like. In the end, she is going to arrive whether you want her to or not.”
“I want her to. It’s not like I don’t want her too. Yeesh. I want her so bad. I’m already madly in love with her, and until a few minutes ago, I thought she was a boy. It’s just…” Benny put her head in her hands. “…complicated.”
Savannah put her arms around her. “It doesn’t have to be.”
Benny leaned into her friend…boss…doctor. Phantom or real, she smelled the farm on Savannah’s skin. Rich earth. Flowers. Sunshine and rain. This woman who claimed life need not be so complicated had left behind her home, whatever family remained there, and a medical career she kept hidden, if not secret.
Those who live in glass houses…
Benny quelled the unkind thought and lifted her head. “You planning on asking me who the father is?”
“That wouldn’t be my place, as a doctor.” Savvy smiled. “But I have a pretty good idea. He is the only man you’ve been out with in all the years I’ve known you.”
“How do you know?”
“Bitterly is a small town, sugar. He’s a good man. He cares for you. And I believe you care for him.”
“But I can’t.”
“Yes. You can.” Savannah kissed her cheek. “Now scoot. I have a lot more patients to see before I can go home tonight.”
Benny hopped off the table, clutching closed the too-small gown. “You won’t tell him, will you?”
“Of course not.”
“Thanks, Savvy. I will. I promise. In my time, okay?”
“All right.” Savannah started from the room. “Just remember you didn’t make your baby alone. If you won’t let him into your life, for your daughter’s sake, let him into hers.”
Chapter 8
Summon Twilight To The Trees
The drive home went better. No one beeped, or passed her. Not that she would have noticed, anyway. Benny’s thoughts flickered in and about her head like the lightning bugs on the arbor in Dan’s back yard. Savannah was right. Dan was a good man who deserved all the joy she was keeping from him. And he cared for her. Benny could no more deny it than the fact that she cared for him too, maybe even loved him, if only Henny’s ghost didn’t haunt her so.
It’s not me. It’s you. I’m sorry, Benny.
Tears welled. She wiped them quickly, quelled them completely. She thought instead about Savannah, and what might have happened to pull her out of the south, away from all she had ever known, and a medical career she had to have worked hard for.
Everyone, she had said when Benny asked who she’d lost. How tempting it had been to leave the childbirth clinic and sit in the car, searching the internet for clues to her friend’s past, but she didn’t. If Savannah wanted to share that with her, she’d have done so by now.
Curiosity and conjecture carried her home with no more tears. It was mid-afternoon by the time she drove through town and spotted her scooter parked outside the coffeehouse. She parked and got out of her car. Peter wasn’t in there. She moved on to CC’s and found him leaning on the counter, talking to a tall redhead she barely recognized for the masses of silky red hair draped over her shoulder.
“Charlotte?”
“Benny!” The younger woman threw her arms in the air and scurried around the counter to pull Benny into a tight hug. “How are you?”
“I’m fine, thanks. What are you doing here?”
“I came up for the weekend to get Caleb. He’s going to spend a couple weeks with me down in Cape May.”
“Ah, so you talked him into it.”
“What did he say? He doesn’t want to come?”
“No, just that he didn’t want to spend the whole summer.”
“Whew!” Charlotte wiped the back of her hand dramatically across her brow. “He’ll have a blast. It’s great down there.”
“I’ve never been.”
“You should come. I’ve almost convinced your brother to visit.”
Benny looked to Peter, who blushed but winked. “She bribed me with cookies.”
Charlotte smacked his arm. “Nice. And here I thought it was my sparkling personality luring you.”
“That too, but what pushed it over the edge was the cookies. Pay up.”
“You’re coming, then?”
“I’ll let you know after I get the cookies.”
Charlotte clapped her hands, scurried around the counter, and started putting cookies in a box.
Benny bit the insides of her cheeks to keep the smirk from her face.
Peter had always been a notorious flirt. His blue eyes and dimples made it way too easy. But Charlotte McCallan, with her then-pixie-cut hair and Seattle-grunge fashion sense, had never been so bubbling-over enthusiastic. More had changed in the few years she spent in culinary school and Cape May than the length of her hair.
“Want your car back?” Benny jingled the keys. “I’m going out to the farm, and then the cemetery before heading home.”
“Sure, thanks.” Peter took the keys, handed Benny hers. “You want me to put your bags in your apartment?”
“Bags?”
“Didn’t you go shopping up in Lee?”
Benny wasn’t clueless enough to hope he was equally so. “Yeah, well, I didn’t go shopping. I had a doctor appointment and didn’t want to tell Ma.”
“Anything serious?”
Benny pursed her lips. “No, not serious. Girly stuff, dude. You don’t want to know.”
“Oh.” Now he blushed. “Gotcha.”
“Thanks for letting me use the car.”
“No problem.”
“Before I hand these over”—Charlotte held the box of cookies just out of Peter’s reach—“I want a solemn promise from you that you are coming to visit me this summer.”
“I’ll go you one better.” Peter leaned on the counter, dimples deepening.
“How about I come down for a long weekend when it’s time for Caleb to go home. I’ll save you the trip north.”
“Deal.” Charlotte handed Peter the box and hugged him at the same time. “This is great. Oh! You’ll be down for the Fourth of July. Fireworks on the beach. You’ll love it.”
“I’m going to head out,” Benny said before Charlotte launched into all the ways Cape May was amazing. “Thanks again, Peter. See you, Charlotte.”
“See you, Benny.”
Benny legged over her scooter and strapped on the helmet she had insisted Peter wear. It was too big, and still brand new even though it was seven years bought in June.
Checking in at the farm, she found all running smoothly without her and Savannah. Though most of those working were high school students, Edgardo and Raul had been farming all their lives. Though they were her foremen, Savannah called them her mentors, which always made them smile proudly, nod their heads and wave her off. Benny suspected they spoke little English, but they knew the land and how to treat it with respect. From it, they grew the best vegetables Bitterly had ever eagerly consumed.
From the farm, she went to the cemetery, and only once did she think about her baby girl, and only half-a-thought went to Dan. She would take them both out later. Instead she focused on Augie and the hand-prints she had seen with her own eyes. Now that she knew she wasn’t nuts-o, she had a few questions for him.
* * * *
“Turn it off! Turn it off!”
Dan closed the water-main valve behind the caretaker’s cottage in Bitterly Cemetery. Water sprayed up at him, leaking out yet another crack in the piping. By the time he got it shut, he was drenched.
And so was Charlie. Palming off the water streaming down his face, Charlie squished over to the broken valve. “That too, huh?”
“What makes you think that? Looks perfectly sound to me.”
“Funny, Dan. Real funny.” Charlie let go a deep breath. “This whole system needs replacing. I just don’t have the time.”
“It’s a tough thing to come by, these days,” Dan agreed. “I’m busier than I like to be myself. No time to fart let alone fish.”
“Blasphemy.”
Dreaming August Page 8
