While Dr. Dashwood was worrying about the sinister Ezra Pound in San Francisco and Mary Margaret Wildeblood was preparing for her party in New York, a black giant named “Rosey” Stuart was struggling with a vacation memo in the Pussycat office in Chicago.
“This is the worst piece of idiocy I’ve ever seen,” he complained to his secretary. “It looks like it was written by a computer having a nervous breakdown. Listen to this gibberish: ‘Half a man-day shall not be equal to half a day unless the man is actually in the office for the full day, or half of a full day, as the case may be. (This also applies to female employees.)’ What the ring-tailed rambling hell does that mean?”
“Do you want me to call Personnel and ask somebody to explain it?” asked the secretary, Marlene Murphy, a pert little redhead who could neither type nor take dictation well, but held her job because she fit the Pussycat image.
“Besides,” Stuart went on grumbling, “it contradicts the vacation memo we got last week.”
“That one was a hoax,” Marlene explained patiently. “Some crank got in at night and ran it off on a Xerox machine as some kind of practical joke.”
“Well, Jesus on a wubber cwutch,” Stuart complained, imitating Elmer Fudd, “it made more sense than this one.”
Marlene shrugged sympathetically. “This is the one we’ve got to live with.”
Stuart shook his head wearily. “What kind of world is it where the reality is weirder than the satire?”
There was no obvious answer to that. “Do you want me to call Personnel?” Marlene repeated.
“Hell, no!” Stuart exclaimed. “Don’t agitate that pit of ding-dongs. Just put me down for the first three weeks in July, and if they tell me I can’t have it, I’ll go over their heads and talk to Sput.” Stan Sputnik was the founder of the Pussycat empire and still acted as both Managing Editor and Publisher, as well as embodying the Pussycat image in all his highly publicized acts and deeds.
Stuart crumbled the vacation memo and threw it in the wastebasket.
“What’s next?” he asked.
“Dr. Dashwood. About the interview.”
“Oh, yes,” Stuart said, turning his chair to look out the window. “Call his secretary and see if he’s in.”
While Marlene went outside to her desk to place the call, Stuart looked out over Chicago thinking of his rapid rise in the Pussycat empire. Born in Chicago’s South Side ghetto—his full name was Franklin Delano Roosevelt Stuart—he had originally followed the usual predatory life-script of impoverished alpha males. But his second prison term had thrown him into contact with a most peculiar cell mate—a self-proclaimed Sufi and master of all forms of Persian magick. “Rosey” Stuart came out of prison convinced he could do anything, acquired a degree in literature from Harvard in record time, and started the Great Novel about the Black Experience in America.
About then both racism and poverty were becoming obsolete, and selling a first novel was as hard as ever. Stuart had been toiling at Pussycat for five years, dickering with a novel about a parallel universe where racism still existed and a malignant black magician takes over the country by demonically possessing the body of the white President.
Last year the staff of Pussycat had quadrupled. Sput Sputnik had grown annoyed by the ever-increasing number of imitations of his Illustrated Fantasy Book for Onanists. Every editor at every competition publication had been hired away at a juicy salary increase.
Pussycat suddenly had six Senior Editors, twelve Associate Editors, twenty-four Assistant Editors, and thirty Junior Editors. The other publishers found themselves confronting deadlines with nobody left on their staffs. Two went bankrupt; one committed suicide; the others took a year to get back in gear again.
“Business is business,” said Sput. He liked to think of himself as a tough, hard-driving businessman, as well as the twentieth century’s leading philosopher, the superstud of every girl’s tender dreams, the hero of the free press, the foe of bigotry and intolerance everywhere, and the world’s unacknowledged Master Psychologist. If he had known there was such a thing as pie-eating champion, he would have aimed for that title also. He considered himself a Renaissance Man.
Although Stuart had advanced from Junior Editor to Senior Editor in spite of this competition, he hardly knew Sput at all. Sput never came to the offices, preferring to work in his mansion in Manhattan, and Stuart saw him only on the rare occasions when he was called upon to fly to New York for a conference.
Those conferences tended to be a bit much. Like certain movie actors who are always “on,” even when nowhere near a soundstage, Sput was as determined to impress his editors as he was to overwhelm the whole world. For years, he had insisted on playing chess during conferences, keeping an impoverished grandmaster on hand for a stiff competition; since the grandmaster knew which side his bread was buttered on, Sput always won. He had gotten this idea from a very inaccurate historical novel about Napoleon, in which the little Corsican sociopath was portrayed as playing masterful chess while discussing military strategy with his generals and the Napoleonic legal code with his judges.
More recently Sput had read a novel about Nero. The effect was even more disconcerting than trying to talk with him while he laboriously evaded an obvious Noah’s Ark trap. He was seated behind his desk receiving a blow job when Stuart had been ushered into his presence the last time. It was unnerving.
“You wanted to discuss the interview subjects for the next six months?” Stuart asked, taking his seat and noting that the erotic technician kneeling before the Great Man was a recent Pussyette from the mag’s foldout. In fact, she was the first to appear, not in an ordinary crotch shot (they were now becoming commonplace, not only in Pussycat, but in its imitators), but in a randy low-angle crotch shot in which her vulva lips could clearly be seen pouting beneath the pubic hair. Stuart had been curious as to how that effect was obtained and asked the chief photographer, “Were you rubbing her off just before you snapped that?”
“Nali,” was the laconic answer. “We tried that, but the lips still weren’t visible enough. We ended up stuffing her snatch full of my hashish stash.”
“Lawd!” Stuart was astonished, and dropped back to his mother tongue.
“That’s why she had that far-gone look in her eyes. Stoned out of her head by the time we got it all out of her again. Bet you didn’t know it was possible to get high that way.”
“Wonder what it would be like to navigate her geography right after the hash came out,” Stuart said thoughtfully.
“Wouldn’t know,” the photographer sighed. “Sput put an exclusive on her soon as he saw the test shots.”
Now she kneeled, nude and covered with some kind of oil that Sput had read about in the Nero book, and carefully licked his wingwang up and down while he, imitating supercool, went over the interview list.
“Don’t want President Hubbard,” he said. “She’s too controversial.”
“But dammit, Sput, our interviews are supposed to be controversial!” Stuart seemed to recall saying that at each of these conferences.
“Not that controversial,” Sput said. “The intellectuals all hate her because she’s a scientist.* Now, here, Jane Fonda and Timothy Leary, they’re good. But, Jesus H. Christ, Robert Anson Wilson, for Chrissake—he’s a fucking science-fiction writer!”
“We interviewed Vonnegut,” Stuart said, watching the lady’s head bobbing up and down at Sput’s crotch.
“Yeah, but his books are serious. That’s different,” Sput said, breathing a bit heavily by now. “Besides, everybody says The Universe Next Door drives people wiggy and makes them become nudists or Buddhists or something. That kind of trouble we don’t need. And one science-fiction writer in five years is enough, already. (Gently, doll, gently!) I see you don’t have the Attorney General on the list yet.”
“It’s the same as ever,” Stuart explained, noting that the girl’s hand was sneaking down her belly into her crotch. “She just won’t give us an interview. She still say
s we’re a dirty magazine.”
“Dammit, we never go beyond contemporary community standards,” Sput protested, hurt. “That old bitch is a bigot.”
“Well, bigot or not, she won’t give us an interview.”
“Fascist reactionary old bat,” Sput fumed. “Someday I’ll—” Then he brightened. “Listen, doll,” he said to the girl at his feet. “You’re the Attorney General—now really go to it, like a fucking vacuum cleaner!” The girl’s head began bobbing faster, and Sput slouched back a bit, smiling contentedly.
“Reactionary WASP bitch,” he muttered. “That’s right, take it, take it all, you foe of the First Amendment!”
“Er—Dr. Francis Dashwood,” Stuart prompted.
“Very good, very good.” Sput was whispering, as if toking a marijuana cigarette. “You Gestapo pig,” he added to the girl at his feet.
“How about Jackie Kennedy Onassis?”
“Yeah, yeah, class,” Sput said vaguely. He was beginning to tremble a bit. “Who else you got?” he whispered, trembling more. “Dr. Spock.”
“Spock?” Sput asked. Then he repeated, shrilly, “Spock? Spock! SPOCK!???!” He was coming, Stuart realized with an embarrassed twinge. “Swallow it,” Sput was roaring. “Swallow it, you wire tapper!”
It was a distracting conference all around, Stuart thought, remembering.
His secretary was at his door. “I finally located Dr. Dashwood,” she said, “at this home. He’s on the phone.”
Stuart picked up his phone, saying, “Ah, good afternoon, Dr. Dashwood. It’s a great pleasure to speak to you.”
“Is this on the level?” came a tense voice. “You’re not involved with that Poop or Foof place, are you?”
Stuart was dumbfounded. Could the head of the best-known sex research organization in America be a paranoid nut? “I am speaking to Dr. Francis Dashwood?” he asked carefully.
“Yes, yes—but how can I be sure who I’m speaking to?”
“Well,” Stuart said, “if you have your doubts, call me back. Go through information, to check the number, and then have the Pussycat switchboard put you on my line. That should convince you.”
“I’ll do just that,” the doctor said. “A lot of damned peculiar things are happening today. I want to be sure you’re not some cohort of that Ezra Pound character.” He hung up abruptly.
Ezra Pound, Stuart thought, bemused. The doctor thinks a dead poet and folk singer is plotting against him.
An absolute nut of the first water. A real signifyin’ mad scientist.
Obviously, this would require great care. Dashwood couldn’t just be discarded as an interview subject for being batty; he was too big a name. The interview would go ahead, but Dashwood would be handled with kid gloves.
The phone buzzed, and he picked it up.
“Dr. Dashwood is back on the line,” his secretary said.
“Put him through.” He waited, then said, “Dr. Dashwood?”
“Well, I guess it really is you,” the voice said. “Please excuse me. A man in my sensitive field—cranks and schizophrenics wondering around loose …”
“Yes, yes, I quite understand,” Stuart said, rolling his eyes toward the ceiling. “Poets always have harbored nasty grudges.” He had no doubt that the doctor was as goofy as a waltzing mouse.
*Terran Archives 2803: At the time of this comedy those primates who specialized in verbal manipulations of the third neurological circuit formed a gene-pool separate from those who specialized in mathematical manipulations. The former, controlling the verbal environment, had dubbed themselves “the intellectuals.”
HOW THE TERRAN PRIMATES WERE DOMESTICATED
GALACTIC ARCHIVES:
President Hubbard had abolished poverty through a plan which she called the RICH economy.
RICH meaning Rising Income through Cybernetic Homeostasis.
This was a diabolically clever scheme to abolish all forms of human labor except the most creative—i.e., those frontal-lobe metaprogramming circuits which have evolved last in evolution and surpass the mechanical old four-circuit primate brain functions.
Of course it had been theoretically possible to abolish most mechanical labor since about 1948, when a very cunning primate mathematician, Norbert Weiner, noted that self-correcting (cybernetic) machines would soon be able to monitor whole factories.
Even earlier a metaprogramming-circuit Greek primate, Aristotle, had observed that it would be possible to abolish slavery “when the loom and other machines become self-managing.”
Terran primates had continued slavery over the generations, despite the increasing distress this caused their hominid third and fourth (semantic and moral) circuits, simply because machines could not yet manage themselves. As many a primate Utopian had rediscovered in chagrin, under primitive planetary conditions, “somebody has to do the shit-work.” The most appealing solution to electing that somebody was to invade a weaker neighboring tribe and bring back a group of biots who could be domesticated.
This had been done so often that there was no hominid pack on Terra that did not show the effects of domestication and slave mentality, a fact first noted by a dour German primate named Nietzsche.
In Unistat, due to the strong encouragement of individualistic third-and fourth-circuit (semantic-moral) functions, slavery had grown so repugnant that it was formally “abolished” within a century after the formation of the pack constitution; it lingered on through inertia in the form of “wage slavery,” which required that all primates not born into the sixty families that “owned” almost everything would have to “work” for those families or their corporations in order to get the tickets (called “money”) which were necessary for survival.
This slave mentality was so entrenched in the domesticated primates that cybernation advanced very slowly in the first thirty years after Weiner discovered it would be possible to abolish primate toil. All the important primate bands—the alpha male corporations, the primate trade unions, the primate council or “government,” the primate totem cults or “churches”—believed that the traditional domesticated caste system was the only possible system under which primates could live. Even the Red primates shared this delusion, differing only in their ideas about distribution of resources.
President Hubbard boldly challenged this domesticated primate thought-form by announcing that everybody who could be replaced by a machine would be replaced by a machine.
It seemed like the end of the world to the primates, at first.
It turned out to be only the end of poverty.
AN APPROXIMATE SIMULATION OF INSANITY
“Any false or partially false premise extended with accurate logic will generate an approximate simulation of insanity.” Crossing Broadway at Seventy-second Street, still lecturing, it was Blake Williams.
“Yes, yes, of course, Professor, but if you’ll listen a moment to what I’m trying to say,” Natalie Drest protested.
“But you see, young lady, most of the premises of our current religious, scientific, and philosophical thinking must be false, or partially false, as judged by a more advanced civilization. What would a Higher Intelligence make of our doctrines of transubstantiation or charmed quarks or the categorical imperative?”
“Well, yeah, but, professor …”
“Then, dammit, will you listen? Most of our beliefs and behavior will appear clinically insane to a Higher Intelligence viewing this planet.”
“Sure, its all relative, I know that, but, Professor …”
“Look,” Dr. Williams said with crushing finality, “do you want to fuck, or don’t you?”
Her answer was drowned out by a siren racing up Riverside Drive.
“What?”
“I said, I been tryna tell you for ten blocks, Professor, I’m still getting over a case of the clap …”
“That’s quite all right, my dear,” Blake Williams pronounced suavely. “I’m a broad-minded man. I understand the exuberance of youth, the powerful hormones coursing thro
ugh your vibrant young bloodstream, the noble refusal of your generation to regard the taboos of old as binding upon the free spirits of the 1980s, and besides, I’ve reached the age at which I’m not horny every night of the year. You are still invited to come along to my humble digs and listen to my old Joan Baez records.”
“Gee, Professor, you know what you are? You’re cool. You’re not sexist at all.”
“Um, yes, thank you, my dear. I’m just getting old, actually. Now, about the Einstein-Rosen-Podolsky gedan-kenexperiment …”
DANCING PHOTONS
The intellectual love of things consists in understanding their perfections.
—SPINOZA
Linda Lovelace, a projection of light traveling 186,000 miles per second through film of events that actually transpired in Miami years before, is taking first one inch of Harry Reems’s penis, then two, three, five, the whole incredible nine inches, and paranoid little Marvin Gardens, hunched in his seat, overcoat in lap, snorts the last of his coke.
It was the forty-fourth time Marvin had seen Deep Throat and the twenty-third time on coke, and under the overcoat his hand was magically transforming into Linda’s mouth again, that separate reality where the dancing photons on the screen and the synergizing synapses in his brain joined to produce more than 3-D better than Technicolor realer than real God yes higher than a kite oh Lord.
Marvin was having a rare happy moment in which the extraterrestrial invasion wasn’t worrying him.
He, Harry Reems, is about to come, and Marvin Gardens, too, wondering in one corner of his mind about the eternity of protoplasm, because when he comes she’ll take it out of her mouth and—splat!—he’ll shoot all over her face. Marvin is waiting, but take an amoeba now does it die when it splits? Are there two new amoebas or is it two selves where there was one self before? God, she’s got all of it now, faster, call them Krazy and Ignatz say, now is Krazy the first amoeba and Ignatz a twin or are both of them still Krazy, two Krazies instead of one? Jeez, right down her throat now, and when they split again we have four, she’s licking the head now ah that’s good and about to swallow it all again, call them say Groucho Chico Harpo and Zeppo, which is the original amoeba or are they all, are amoebas really immortal then? Now now here it comes now one amoeba dividing forever now going on and on for all eternity now a single explosion of DNA seed now now ah Christ Christ yes now now now yes Eternal God oh good.
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