by Chunichi
After clearing my wall of every honor and plaque I’d received, I went into the bathroom. All I wanted to do was take a hot shower and wash away the past. The grime and dirt of my past were weighing me down, and I needed it lifted. I stopped and looked at myself in the mirror. I hated the person I saw. I saw a failure.
Looking in the medicine cabinet, I found a pair of sharp scissors and started cutting my hair then I dyed it platinum blonde. This was going to be a new beginning. I never again wanted to be reminded of who I used to be. Finally after cleaning up all the stray hairs that had fallen in the sink, I took a shower in the hottest temperature I could stand. I stood there watching the past fall away right down the drain. It was a new day. After my shower I headed into my kitchen and opened the refrigerator. The stench of moldy milk, cheese, strawberries, and Chinese food almost made me vomit. Again I found myself grabbing a garbage bag. Just like my awards, I tossed everything from the fridge in there.
It didn’t take long for me to realize my whole place needed a thorough cleaning, so I turned on the radio and got to it. I cleaned my apartment from top to bottom. When I was done, the place smelled of bleach. I grabbed my bags of garbage and headed to the dumpster. On the way there, I was stopped in the hallway by a voice calling to me from behind. My old self would have been on high alert if someone had called me from behind, but the new me was calm.
“Excuse me,” a familiar voice said. I turned around to see the previous love of my life. I was no longer calm. My heart began to beat hard, and a lump formed in my throat.
“Hey,” I was so caught off guard, it was the only word I managed to get out.
“Oh, that’s the best greeting you can give an old friend?” Jamie said to me while we embraced.
I could have stayed in Jamie’s arms forever. It had been so long since I’d felt the loving embrace of a mate. I had no idea what to say to him. We stood there for a second until Jamie broke the tension by grabbing one of the garbage bags I was carrying.
Jamie and I had been lovers for three years. It was a typical passionate affair that just lost its passion. Well, I lost my passion for it. I fell in love with something new, my job. I just didn’t have time for Jamie anymore. My new lover was more exciting and dangerous. Seeing Jamie brought up so many memories, good and bad. All the bad memories had to do with the way I’d treated him toward the end of the relationship. I didn’t know any other way to handle the situation than to be a bitch and make him hate me. I was hoping that Jamie wasn’t here to bring up old fights and make me beg for forgiveness. “So what brings you here, old friend?” I asked Jamie as we headed to the dumpster together. “You. I’ve been keeping up with you. I heard you had been in rehab for a while and you were getting out today, so I wanted to be there to welcome you home. I actually went up to the facility to pick you up, but you had already gone.”
“Oh, that was nice of you. I would have never expected to see you.” I smiled at Jamie. The thought that he still cared enough to want to meet me made me happy inside. I guess he had forgiven me for my attitude all those years ago.
“So how are you? It’s been so long. Did rehab help?”
“I think so. I’ve turned over a new leaf in my life. I’m feeling clear and conscious for the first time in a long time.”
“That’s great. Rehab did all that?”
“Yep. I learned to slow down and take it one day at a time. If I don’t get it done instantly, I won’t die.”
“I agree. I haven’t learned to accept that concept yet. Maybe you could help me with it.”
Jamie never was the type to wait to see how things would work out when faced with a problem. With the smallest obstacle, he would run like a puppy with its tail between its legs. That’s one reason why we never worked out. I loved a challenge and faced them head on, even if sometimes too fast and without thinking it all the way through. It was the only way I knew how to operate. Frankly I thought it was kind of bitch-like to run from your problems.
“Listen, umm, I’m starving. Did you have dinner yet?” Jamie asked with a rub to the tummy.
“What are you in the mood for?”
“Pizza loaded with cheese and sausage,” Jamie said right away.
“I see nothing has changed.” I smiled. “Still the same Jamie.”
“You remembered?” Jamie smiled back.
“How could I forget? Now come on up to my place. Lucky for you, I just finished cleaning my house, so I won’t need to put your ass to work.” I laughed.
Jamie said, “I’m guessing your apartment reeks of bleach.”
“Yes, it does.” I giggled. “Guess I’m not the only one that remembers old habits.”
“Some things in our relationship I will never forget,” Jamie said.
We ordered a pizza covered in hot Italian sausage and roasted red peppers. Seeing Jamie again was quite comforting. It was easy to fall right back into a rhythm with him. It was familiar and safe, which was what I really craved at that moment.
After coming out of the rehab center, I thought no one would grace me with their presence. For my whole stay in rehab I thought I was alone, but I had come to accept that. Then out of nowhere came Jamie. I knew one thing for sure, things happen for a reason. I sat there thinking that maybe Jamie and I were supposed to rekindle our relationship, get married, and have a puppy.
We sat there for a good hour just talking and laughing. It was a nice way to reenter society.
“So, what brings you back here, Jamie?” I asked before picking up our plates and placing them in the sink. After Jamie and I had broken up he had moved out of town. He said he had another job in Baltimore, but I figured he was leaving to get away from me. Thinking about it made me feel a bit guilty, but I can’t control how other people react.
“I landed a corporate position with a cigarette company in sales and marketing. I couldn’t refuse the offer that was on the table. I just moved back. Haven’t even been here two days. I’m not even unpacked yet. Boxes are all over my apartment.”
“Knowing how you are, they will be there for a while.” I laughed.
It felt so good to laugh and be at ease, it was easy for me to fall into Jamie arms. It felt so comforting. It turned me on to be wrapped up in another person’s arms again.
Even though, I wasn’t ready for sex, we did mess around. Jamie couldn’t get enough of my clit. Having an orgasm relieved a lot of tension for me. It had been a while since anyone had been down there, besides my own fingers. After we both had our orgasms, I invited Jamie to stay over for the night.
The next morning I woke up to see Jamie’s head on the pillow next to mine. It wasn’t until that moment I realized that I’d possibly made a big mistake. I hadn’t even been home twenty-four hours and I already had a regret.
This was not the love I’d planned to come home to. It wasn’t the thought of reuniting with Jamie that kept me going while in rehab. I wanted to reunite with Jewel. The thought of her was what kept me going.
My stomach started to turn as I thought about how I’d just fucked up. I had to get Jamie out of my house and fast. I needed more time alone to think about what I was doing with my life. What was going to make me happiest? I thought Jewel was going to make me happiest, but now this little encounter had me all messed up.
“Good morning, baby,” I whispered, to wake Jamie.
“Good morning,” Jamie said between yawns.
“Not to rush you out the door, but I’ve got an appointment I have to rush to this morning,” I lied.
“Oh, no problem,” Jamie said while getting up.
As Jamie got dressed, I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. I had to make it look authentic. I waited in the bathroom for a few minutes extra to give Jamie some time to get dressed and me some time to get my head straight. By the time I returned to the bedroom Jamie was fully dressed.
“Can I leave you my number?” Jamie asked with cell phone in hand.
“Sure.” I grabbed my phone and entered the nu
mbers as Jamie called them out to me.
“Will you call me later?” Jamie asked before heading toward the door.
I nodded. “Yes.”
“I’m going to be totally honest with you–I want this relationship back,” Jamie said, looking me in the eyes and cradling my face.
That was the last thing I expected or wanted him to say. “Let me think about it. I don’t want us to move too fast,” was the best response I could come up with.
I did enjoy Jamie’s company, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to rekindle what we had in the past. Too much had transpired, and so much time had passed. We were both different people from back then. I was dealing with personal issues, which I wasn’t sure I could do if I had to worry about someone else’s issues as well. I looked at life through a different window than when Jamie and I were dating.
“Understandable,” Jamie said.
After exchanging a small kiss, we gave each other a big hug, and I watched as Jamie walked through the front door of my apartment. I sat on my couch and tried to figure out why my life seemed to be so complicated. Less than a day from rehab and already I was dealing with drama. I sighed as my thoughts went to Jewel.
Chapter 12
“You’ve Got Balls”
Touch
“Here you go, Officer Phelps,” I said, handing him a fresh box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. The box also included ten crisp hundred-dollar bills. I laughed to myself as I wondered what it was with piggies and their beloved doughnuts.
Jimmy had at least ten cops on his payroll. When they saw us doing our thing in the streets, they kindly looked the other way. These dudes were even willing to get rid of a body for Jimmy. This kid, Officer Phelps, was a street kid turned cop. He said Jimmy was like a father to him. The longer I worked for Jimmy, the more I realized that this man was and will always be loved in the streets.
Officer Phelps took the box without a word. He opened it up, took out a doughnut, and started eating it. I believe he was just making sure the money was in there. He kept eating the doughnut as he walked away.
I got in my truck and headed back to the spot.
“It’s a wrap for tonight,” Deuce said, nodding his head as we gathered up Jimmy’s cut.
I wrapped the money tight and handed it over to him, so he could make the drop to Jimmy’s girl. Happy to be done for the day, I got ghost quick. No way I was going to hang around and have Deuce think of one last errand for me to run.
That night when I got home, I puffed on a couple of blunts while listening to some music. Listening to those songs really had me reminiscing. It seemed every song that came up reminded me of Jewel. Damn, I was missing that girl. Since I hadn’t heard from her, I figured she had finally reached her breaking point.
Usually she would have either come home by now or at least contacted me, considering I had blown up her phone with texts and voice mails. I knew I’d done it this time, so I can’t say that I blame her. How much can one person take? Truth is, I knew I could be a motherfucking handful at times.
I got so high, I passed out on the couch before I could call Jewel and tell her once more how much I missed her.
The next morning, I got up and went to Waffle House to eat pancakes, and scrambled eggs with cheese and bacon. I was really starting to miss Jewel bad. This used to be one of our favorite breakfast spots. To cheer my spirits up, I went to visit Jimmy. He was turning into a father figure for me. I wish our visits didn’t have to be in a prison separated by plexiglass. To maintain a low profile, we would make our conversations brief. Talking in codes made both of us feel a little at ease. No matter how low you talk, you never know who may be listening. Especially the bullshit warden.
“What’s up, Jimbo!” I said as soon as Jimmy walked to the glass window.
“You know what it is, youngblood,” Jimmy said as he sat down.
“You looking good.”
“Yeah, I’d be looking better on the other side of this glass though.” Jimmy grinned. “So how’s business?”
“Business is good. We’re getting the goods in regularly, and the customers are happy. No complaints, boss.” I tried my best to answer Jimmy without saying too much.
“And what about the employees, are they staying in line? They coming to work on time and paying off their debts?”
I assured Jimmy everything was in line. “Everything’s in order, boss. Don’t you worry.”
“That’s what I like to hear.”
Jimmy and I talked about the latest on the streets, and the latest jail talk, then wrapped up our visit. It was always good talking with Jimmy. He gave me good advice and made sure I understood everything that was going on. He had a knack for making me feel better. He was a smart old dude, and I loved learning from him. He was quick with dropping his knowledge on me, and I soaked it all up. He had lived through it all and seen it all, so the dude knew what he was talking about.
After visiting Jimmy, I went back to the crib. I didn’t have any work for the day, so I was gonna just relax. Getting some rest was long overdue for me. I had been grinding nonstop for a while and was exhausted.
I was looking forward to a little rest and relaxation, but to my surprise, I couldn’t relax at all. My mind was churning with thoughts about Jewel. It had come to the point that everything in the house reminded me of her. Everywhere I looked, there was another memory of her.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I dialed Jewel’s cell number. The tough guy role was out the door. No more pride for this lion. I repeatedly kept calling her, leaving voice mails and sending loving texts. But no matter how many phone calls or texts I sent, I still got no response. After a while I was actually starting to worry.
This was not like Jewel. I looked at the clock, and it was only seven in the evening. I couldn’t sit in the crib any longer. I had been pacing around the house all day and needed some different scenery. My weed was done, and I didn’t have shit to drink. Thinking about Jewel and being dry was gonna drive a nigga crazy.
With that, I grabbed my jacket and keys and headed out the door. I was gonna hit a local bar for a few drinks. Hopefully being around people would get my mind off Jewel. Jewel had some crazy-ass hold on a nigga, and I needed to break her grip.
As soon as I walked out the door, I saw a midnight blue Jag pull up in my driveway. I didn’t recognize the car and wasn’t expecting anyone. I was immediately on guard. My thoughts raced as to who it could be. Was it Lisa? Was it one of Jimmy’s associates? Whoever it was, I wasn’t getting a good feeling and wasn’t in the mood for no bullshit.
“Get the fuck off my property,” I stated, pulling my gun from my waist.
“Yo, man. I didn’t come here to start any shit,” a male voice said. “I just want to know if Jewel is here.”
“Who the fuck are you?” I asked with a mean-mug face.
“Rico,” he replied.
So this is the muthafucka Jewel had been spending all her time with when I was locked up, I thought. As soon as I heard the name I already knew who he was. I finally was able to put a face to the name. This muthafucka has some nerve coming to my crib.
“You got two options, dude. You can get in your car and leave my property, or leave this earth. Which one will it be?” I asked, putting the gun to his temple.
“It’s cool, my nig. I’ll leave.” Rico got back in his car and put the window down. “Just do me a favor and tell Jewel I came by. By the way, you need to be a little more kind to your savior. If it wasn’t for me, your ass would still be in that cell, homie. You never know when you may need me again.” Then he sped off.
Once I was sure Rico was gone, I texted Jewel, telling her what had just gone down. Of course when she received that text, she called back right away. It pissed me off how she didn’t respond when I was spilling my heart out to her, but she wasted no time calling back about Rico. She called me back to back three times in a row before I finally decided to answer.
“Tell me right now what went down with you and Rico,” I demanded a
s soon as I answered the phone.
“This nigga coming to my house looking for you and shit.”
“Lower your voice, Touch, or I’m hanging up!” Jewel yelled back.
I ignored her ass because I knew if we were face to face, she definitely would not be acting this gangsta. In fact if she did step to me this way in person, I would have likely slapped her upside her head. No one was allowed to step to me with that attitude and not get checked back into place.
I began to say, “I’m only going to ask you one more time–”
Jewel interrupted me. “He was there for me when you were not, and it was his money that got your sorry ass out of jail. That’s all you need to know.” She then hung up the phone.
I called her ass back at least ten times, but I got no response. After the second attempt at calling her, she turned her phone off, but I still continued to blow up her voice mail. After a while I gave up.
I sped to the bar angry that I had spilled my heart to Jewel and all she could do was hang up in my face. I needed a drink and fast. Once I reached the bar I threw back shot after shot until I could no longer feel the burn. My anger, pain and hurt had been numbed. I sat there and let the liquor work its magic on my nerves and emotions. When I was completely numb and totally fucked up, I looked at the bartender, tried to order another round, and passed out. That’s the last thing I remembered about that night.
The next morning, I woke up not knowing how the hell I got home. I assumed the bartender either called a cab or took me home himself. I was going to have to get my truck later on. I was thankful for a new day and ready to get on my grind and make some money.
A half-finished blunt was sitting on my nightstand. I lit it up and took a few pulls as I gathered my morning thoughts. As I sat on my bed puffing on the blunt, I heard the toilet flush. I jumped out the bed and raced to the bathroom. I opened the door, and there was a woman standing at the sink.
