I look away at once, praying for the nightmare to end. After he is gone, I come out from hiding. Stef does a double take when she finds me in her kitchen.
“What are you doing here, Eleanor?!” She grabs her bathrobe that lay discarded on the couch and wraps it around herself.
“Stef, please tell me that Mr. Miller wasn’t here and what just happened didn’t happen at all.” I am shaking.
“You should believe your eyes rather than lies,” she says, expressionless.
“Did you have sex with him?” I ask even though I already know the answer.
Stef avoids my gaze.
“I’m asking you, Stef, did you have sex with him?” I repeat in a louder voice.
“Yes, I did!” she snaps, her eyes darting back at me. “So what?!”
“Stef, I know you’re hurting but Mr. Miller is a married man with a fourteen-year-old son. What were you thinking?!”
She rolls her eyes. “It’s no big deal, okay? For one, he would’ve cheated on his wife anyway with someone else, if not with me. Second, I’m sorry that I refused to cry like a loser as you did over Devon.”
I decide to ignore her mean remark. “You’re angry. You want a rebound. I get that, Stef. But with a married man? It’s wrong and dangerous. It’s an awful mess you don’t want to be part of.”
“Can you just stick to fucking Devon and stay out of my way?!” she retorts in anger. “It’s not like I’m doing it with Dave Parker or your father. So you shouldn’t have a problem. Go Away. I don’t need you.”
And she swings around and storms back upstairs, leaving me devastated and in pain.
***
“So,” I chirp. “Gran tells me that you’re very scared of her just like you were as a kid, is that true now?”
Dad’s quirky reply makes me laugh on the other end of the phone.
“She believes you might have something to tell me,” I say.
“Yes, I do, Eleanor. I have something to tell you,” he responds. “I will never be coming back ever.”
My breathing hitched. “W-Why?” I stumble.
“Because I have finally met an amazing woman. And I’m gonna marry her now. She has a teenage daughter too who is everything that I wanted in a daughter—someone you could never be. She makes me happy unlike you. So I’ve bought a beautiful house here and I’m gonna live with them.”
“Dad please…please don’t leave me…please come back. I-I don’t want to be on my own.” Tears cloud my eyes and run down my cheeks, endless and unstoppable. “Please don’t do this.”
“I am leaving you, Eleanor. I should’ve left you ages ago when you sent my life to the grave. But now, I won’t risk having you around to destroy my chance at starting a new life.”
“Please come back, Dad.” I gulp, finding no cure to the pain in my heart. “Dad, please.”
My eyes snap wide open but I find myself shivering and crying under the covers in my dark room.
I sit up on the bed, struggling to gain control over my hammering heart. I don’t want to feel the way I did right now. I want to escape it really bad. And I know who can help me do that.
I reach out for my phone on the nightstand....
“Eleanor,” I hear his alert voice.
“Devon,” I respond. “I’m…I’m sorry to bother you at this hour.”
“You’re not. I couldn’t sleep anyway.”
“Hey, are you okay?” I ask. His tone gets me very anxious.
“Yes, I am,” he says quietly. “You don’t sound okay though.”
“I will be,” I tell him. “I just want you beside me.”
“I, too, need you now.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
“C’mon,” mutters Devon, leaning against the lockers in the school hallway. “You’ve got the most charming boyfriend in the world. Cheer up.”
I exhale deeply and shut my locker close to look at him. “Well, the most charming boyfriend in the world is not helping right now ‘cause it’s been a week and my best friend is still skipping school. I miss her and more than that, I’m worried about her.”
Devon straightens up as he speaks, “Look, I don’t know what went wrong between you and her but I can tell that you were trying to help. And she will come around knowing that losing a friend like you is worse than a million heartbreaks put together.”
“Whoa.” I give him a look of surprise. “That was like really, really sweet, Devon.”
“I know right,” he drawls. “Mistakes happen. Can’t stop being human,” he adds, faking a grudge.
I laugh. “If it helps then let me tell you that I love your mistakes.”
“I love myself for I just made my day with your laughter.” He looks at me in a way that makes me blush. I giggle, and he captures my lips for a kiss. I’m so much into him that I do a double take when I happen to open my eyes and glance over his shoulder.
“Stop, stop, stop,” I whisper against his lips, taking my hands off his shoulders. “Stef’s here,” I add when he doesn’t let me go.
My friend, who’s been missing in action since what seems like ages, is standing a couple of feet behind him in the hallways and looking at us.
“Alright.” Devon’s hands drop from my waist. “I’ll see you in free period. Bye,” he adds and walks past me.
I approach Stef with a doubtful smile. “Hey.”
Stef looks pained and remorseful. “I’m really sorry for that day, E. I really am,” she gulps. “I-I lost control and said so much shit to you. I feel like crap. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” I say, pulling her into a comforting bear hug. “It’s so good to see you after so long, S. I can’t tell you how happy I am that you’re back!”
“What I did was stupid,” she says as we settle down at the courtyard. “Wait, make that extremely stupid. I didn’t want to be in that awful phase. I wanted to get out of it. I was desperate, which made me foolish.”
“You look like you’re in a much better place now, and that’s a huge relief,” I say solemnly.
“Yeah, I kind of pulled myself out of it. Well, at least I’m trying to. Not quite there but hopefully I will be soon,” she chuckles sadly. “But I didn’t do anything silly after that disaster and I intend to keep it that way, I promise.”
“We’ll take care of you.” I smile in assurance, placing my hand on hers.
“Thanks, E!” she responds in gratitude. “So, what did I miss? Did you and Devon have the talk? How did it go?”
I pull my hand back and glance sideways in silence.
“Wait. You guys didn’t talk about your problems yet?” Stef guesses right, sounding startled,
“No, we just…talked about other things and…had sex. A lot of it,” I admit truthfully.
Stef sighs. “Look, I’m the last person right now to give relationship advice or any kind of advice for that matter but you guys should start talking about the things that really matter. I totally get that it’s hard to think straight if you’re with a guy as hot as Devon but if you want to make it last, you have to stop pretending that things are gonna be fine without you doing anything about it.”
“I don’t know Stef…” I trail off anxiously. “I don’t think Devon or even I can ever talk about our issues. What if we realize things can never work out between us? I don’t want us to break up. It…it scares me.”
“Eleanor, all I know is if you guys go on like this, things can get really toxic, and I can’t bear to see you going down.”
Stef told me the very things that I knew pretty well but made a choice to push at the back of my mind because I didn’t have it in me or wanted to make an effort to talk. But it’s time I do something. Because it’s not just about me now like it used to be. It’s about Devon. I love him and I want to do whatever it takes to be good for him. He is hurting from a lot of things and I cannot just continue to be a silent witness anymore because I refuse to deal with my own stuff. If I want to help him, I will have to take that brave step of trying to fix myself first
, which I will.
“Let’s go grab something to eat. I’m hungry,” says Devon as we walk out of English class that day.
“I can’t. Got an essay to write before next period,” I lie.
“I’ll come with you.”
“Not a great idea,” I tell him. “I really want to complete my paper instead of making out with you behind the bookshelves.”
Devon smirks hearing that. “Alright. So, I’ll see you by the riverside after school?”
“Yeah.” I smile.
***
Ms. Maya Sengupta has brown chestnut hair and sports a fringe along with a warm smile. She has kind grey eyes and a friendly face for all the students who came to her for help. She was our school counselor.
I’ve been in her office for quite a while but all I’ve done so far is sit in silence across her at the desk. She’s been encouraging me to speak in different ways but I’m just not able to. I’m torn between wanting to heal myself and the belief that I don’t deserve to feel good.
“Eleanor,” the counselor speaks again, “I can tell that you feel guilty about something. But then again, you’re doubtful whether you should even be feeling that way. Maybe there’s someone or something out there that instigates you to believe that you ought to feel guilt. And you can’t help but think that it couldn’t really have been your fault.”
I look up at her, seeing the truth in those words.
“If you think that your guilt is irrational, accept it,” she says further. “Acknowledging that you’re not at fault even if others believe that you are doesn’t make you a bad person. You deserve to live a good life without guilt defining you.”
I don’t know how but listening to that alone has a soothing effect on me.
“Principal Conner had also referred Devon Parker to me a week after the latter came to Westford High,” she continues. “But Devon never came to me, just like you didn’t when the principal referred you. I’m glad that you did now, Eleanor.”
“I want to help Devon and me,” I speak for the first time since walking in here.
“Well, you’re in luck ‘cause I’ve been observing him,” Mr. Sengupta smiles kindly. “What I can tell about you, Eleanor, is that you do want to seek redemption while, on the other hand, Devon doesn’t want to. He is stubborn enough to hold on to the guilt forever. Because he believes guilt is the only thing that can keep him close to his mother. Forgiveness is more like a crime to him, which is why he keeps all of his pain to himself and never talks about it. Anger then becomes his only form of expression when the grief gets too hard to deal with.”
I feel numb hearing that. I think I just got a glimpse of how his complicated mind works.
The counselor exhales deeply. “The right thing now will be for both of you to sit and talk to each other in all honesty.”
***
That evening I find Devon already waiting by the riverside when I get there.
“Hey.” He walks over to me with a smile, and our lips lock for a slow, long kiss. His hands snake around my waist as he pulls me closer to him.
No matter how fast my heart is beating right now feeling the intoxicating warmth of his body, I’ve gotta keep a clear mind this time.
“You’re late,” he says bluntly, burying his face in the crook of my neck.
“No, I’m not.” I squirm in his arms with my eyes closed feeling his hot mouth teasing every bit of my neck.
“Liar, liar Sanchez on fire.” Devon bites a sensitive spot sending shudders of pleasure down to the tips of my toes.
“Devon, I’ve to tell you something.” I breathe in his hair as he starts to kiss my collarbone.
“Yeah, I’m listening,” he mumbles against my skin, sounding lost.
Damn. If this goes on a minute longer, I know we will end up in bed like we always do. And I don’t want that to happen today.
“Devon, I’m serious. We need to talk.” I hold my ground.
“Fine,” he grumbles, stepping away from me, “what is it?”
“I lied to you earlier today about having to finish an essay,” I admit. “Truth is I visited the school counselor.”
Devon scoffs. “Seriously, you had nothing better to do than go to the shrink?”
I roll my eyes. “Let me tell you what you and I have been doing all this time, Devon.” I look him in the eye. “And it’s something that you pretty much know already. We never really just talk. We just have sex. Over and over again. We basically use each other to escape the pain without having to deal with it. That’s not what real couples do. That’s what people in a no strings attached affair do.”
I watch his lips thin. “I wonder since when have you become so passionate about filling crap into each of your words before saying them out loud,” he says coldly.
“Since the moment I realized that I really love you and I don’t want to lose you!” I retort. “I don’t want to wake up every morning dreading to hear you say that you’re done with me. You did that once already, remember?”
“Yeah, and I apologized for that, remember?!”
“But I still don’t have a reason.”
“It’s all in the past, Eleanor!” he argues. “Nothing good can come out of talking about the past. What matters is I love you too. And I’ll never leave you. That’s a promise.”
“Really? Because I believe that every time you decide not to share your pain with me, you are distancing yourself from me.”
“I’m good just the way I am.”
I exhale deeply. “Devon, I know that you care about me, I know you really do. You’re aware that I’m hurting and you really want to do everything it takes to rescue me.”
“Yes, I want to. But not by taking you back to the past but making every moment of the present special for you.”
“And how do you intend to do that when you don’t want to let go of your past but allow it to affect your present, our present?”
Devon curls his hands into fists at the sides. “Eleanor, I’m gonna say this one last time. I’m great just the way I am.”
“You shouldn’t have come after me if you never intended to tell me who you really are,” I remark ruefully. “But you know what? I cannot go on like this. Because every time we get close, there is this little voice at the back of my head telling me that it is wrong to use you as an easy escape route. And I won’t be able to shut that voice down anymore. So I’m done, Devon. Goodbye.”
I turn my back on him and walk away.
“Fine, let’s talk!”
I hear him shout the very next moment and stop in my tracks. “Really?” I wheel around to face him again.
He averts his gaze and keeps silent.
“Devon?”
“Yes, let’s talk,” he says quietly.
“In that case, I don’t have to turn my back on you anymore.”
And I retrace my steps back to him.
Chapter Twenty-Six
The sun now rests beyond the horizon, making way for the moon to take over the cloudy sky. The cool meandering breeze creates ripples in the otherwise quiet waters. The beautiful riverside is absorbed in tranquility, unknown and untouched by the chaos buried inside Devon and me.
But we’re gonna let it all out now, every last bit of it—no matter how hard it is, no matter how painful it is.
Funny that darkness should be the sole witness to what is apparently gonna be our first step towards hope and light.
Devon and I are sitting on the grass alongside each other. He is poker-faced and his body is stiff. Not that I expected him to be any more forthcoming. He probably must be thinking how stupid and absolutely meaningless this all is. I doubt he’d even be honest about his feelings. He’s grown so used to hiding his true emotions behind all the anger and the bitterness and the arrogance that he probably cannot even think of breaking down the wall now.
But I hope he does.
Taking a good deep breath, I decide to be the one to break the silence between us―
“This pointless ‘act
ivity’ will get us nowhere,” Devon spoke, confirming my thoughts. “We should be talking about college, our future instead.”
I sigh. “We went over this just a while back, remember? The future will be no different from the past if you don’t make peace with the past.”
“You cannot make peace with the past. It’s useless. Talking about the past will not undo the facts. One can never get back what is lost.”
“I agree. But I just can’t sit around anymore and do nothing to help our situation. I know you want to help us too. And I don’t know whether voicing our feelings would really help us or make things worse. But I wanna take a chance here. I wanna try hoping for a change. Will you try with me?”
His eyes are yet devoid of any emotion. “It’ll make things worse,” he says quietly. “It won’t help. You will only hurt yourself by reliving your past. And you won’t be able to change me.”
“I’m not trying to change you. I―” I stop short. And draw in a deep breath.
I won’t get into an argument with him on this. Devon’s only trying to distract me from the actual reason why we are here. But I won’t let him do that.
“Since you are skeptical about the whole thing, I will go first,” I tell him. “I will tell you how I feel about my past, something that I’ve never done before. Will you listen to me? Do you care?”
He nods slowly.
“Alright,” I say. “Firstly, I lied to you when I said that I lost my mother in an accident when I was little.” I pause, which makes him look sideways at me. “The truth is she…she lost her life when she chose to give birth to me.”
That catches Devon off guard.
I continue, “I didn’t have a mom when everyone else around me did. Throughout my growing up years, I battled a strange empty feeling. I thought it would go away with time, but it never did. Nobody ever blamed me for Mom’s death so I never really felt bad about myself. But, you see, my dad is always away for work, and I couldn’t help but wonder what difference it would have made if Mom was around. Would he be around more often? It’s kind of becoming the usual with me. Every time something goes wrong at school or otherwise, I always think things might have been different if Mom were alive. I missed her even when I-I was happy, wondering if she’d be happy too or what she’d have to say to me. Long story short, I spent my entire childhood caught up in what ifs. And honestly I-I was fine until last summer when…well, everything changed for me…”
Again: A Young Adult Romance Page 19