***
I step out of the house into the cold winter evening, feeling depressed. There’s something very wrong with me. I just can’t bring myself to feel good about my life. I’m not lost in darkness anymore. I can finally see the light. All my fears are supposed to be gone after what Dad and Katherine said to me. And speaking of Katherine, she is amazing. I’ve never seen Dad so happy before. As a matter of fact, she is the one who brought Dad close to me.
Then why can’t I still accept her? Why is this not the part where I find closure? Because, honestly, whatever Dad had written in his journal about me last summer doesn’t hold relevance anymore. He might have regretted my birth before, but he doesn’t now because he has moved on. Then why is it that I don’t want him to move on and be happy?
I feel so horrible about myself right now.
I guess the problem lies solely in me and not in anything or anybody on the outside. The problem is me. I can’t be happy because I think I belong with my pain and nightmares.
The weather suddenly gets windy. I realize there’s no one on the street. Looks like it’s gonna snow hard. I bow my head low, cross my arms, and walk faster. It’s cold. I’m not really looking where I’m going. So it’s not long before I dash into someone hard. I look up to see who it is. And I see him.
“Devon.” I gape at him blankly. “Are you back?”
I’m so confused. When did he get back? I have no idea…
“Yes, I am,” he responds quietly.
The wind calms down, and the silences of nature settle back in.
“I-I didn’t know you were coming back.”
“How would you? I didn’t tell you.”
There is something wrong with him. His jaw is hard; his face is wooden, expressionless. I can’t decipher what I see or don’t see in his dark eyes.
“Did you get accepted at the cop school?” I ask cautiously.
“Yes.”
“That’s great news, Devon!” I hug him. But he doesn’t hug me back. His hands hang by his sides, and he stands as stiff as a rock.
I pull away from him and look at his eyes. “What happened to you? Why are you―?”
“Dad and I went to New York.”
“What about New York?”
“I was yet left to go through a few of my mom’s stuff. And also I wanted some answers.”
“What kind of answers?”
“Did you speak to your father about his journal entry referring to you?”
“No, I didn’t. I―”
“You need to speak to him, Eleanor,” he says. “Right now. Talk to him, and you will find your answers too.”
I just don’t understand what’s going on here. “What happened to you, Devon? You’re being weird. What is this all about?”
“You’ll come to know when you talk to your father.”
“You’re scaring me, Devon,” I tell him sharply with a little quiver in my voice. “What is it?” I demand.
“I’m not scaring you, Eleanor. It’s just my way of dealing with what I know.”
“I don’t―”
“I just want to tell you that I love you, and I cannot live with just your memories alone.” His tone is intense just like the rest of him. “And this is not cheesy, this is the truth. Now go. Go home. And I’ll wait for you at the trailer.”
And with that Devon walks past me to head to the riverside.
This is not good. This is not good at all.
Chapter Thirty-Five
There are certain things in this world that we are born to face all alone. No matter the excess of help from the outside or the lack of it, it’s the battle on the inside that you, and only you, have to fight.
I wish I had a clue about what Devon was talking about. I wish he didn’t leave me hanging like that. What exactly did he find in his mother’s belongings? How is that even related to my father? Devon doubts if I would ever want to go back to him. Why would he think that way? Unless he’s referring to something that he thinks would break me in every way possible.
A sharp sense of foreboding numbs my beating heart, infiltrating every pore of my being. I think twice before I breathe. I feel so bogged down by the myriad of thoughts and questions that seem to have seized my mind like toxic venom. With every step that I take near my house, it’s like time has frozen in dread of the future. It’s like every passing moment is being swallowed by an invisible force from the past. It is the chilling fear of the unknown staring me in the eye. I feel as though I’m walking towards a fatal edge. It’s as though I’m drifting towards a black hole. But there is no escape now. There’s no looking back. I’ve come too close to turn around and run in the opposite direction. I don’t know what’s in there. But my only hope is that I’d be able to catch myself before I fall.
As I enter through the kitchen door, I find Dad and Katherine standing across each other at the counter. Gran is here too. I have not even the faintest clue that she’d be here. And it doesn’t look like she was planning on surprising me because it seems as though she has no clue that she’d be here either.
“Devon came knocking on my door at Rushville,” she says quietly as I close the door behind me.
All of them look solemn and grim. I’ve never seen Gran so deeply serious ever before. Even Katherine. Unlike her usual cheerful demeanor, she looks a lot pale now.
If I was scared earlier, I don’t know what I am now.
“Is-is everything alright?” I ask, looking from one familiar face to another. “Devon was acting weird. What does he know that he thinks I should know too?” I add, struggling to keep my breath steady in the eerie silence.
It is Dad who speaks in a heavy voice, “Both of us,” he looks at Katherine, then back at me, “we intended to tell you everything the day after your birthday but―”
“But it was me who backed out,” Katherine cuts in. “I couldn’t bring myself to let you know anything, Eleanor, not after hearing you speak so highly of your mother. Not after reading the beautiful letter you wrote to her. I-I didn’t have it in me to tell you anything at all, I―”
“Wait, wait, wait, stop. What are you talking about? You read the letter? The letter I wrote to my mom?!” I look at her in shock, anger, and disbelief. “How could you, Katherine? It was personal! I can’t believe you went through my things! I’d never do anything like that to you!”
“My name is not Katherine, Eleanor,” her tone cracks as tears appear in her eyes. “My name is A-Alice. I’m your…mother.”
I feel the rage climb my spine. “What am I, five?!” I scoff loudly. “I don’t frigging care by what name you call yourself. For all I know, you need a shrink. Just because your name is Alice, doesn’t make you anything close to my mother.”
“Ellie, calm down.”
“No, I won’t, Dad!” I shoot a look at him before turning back at his disgusting girlfriend. “I was blaming myself all this time for not being able to accept you into my life completely,” I tell her. “But now I know why I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried. You’re pathetic!”
“She gave birth to you, Ellie.” Dad raises his voice. “She is your mother. She used to be Alice Sanchez, my wife!”
“That’s not true, Dad! That can’t be!” I retort. “What is even wrong with you? Gran, say something!”
I look at Gran for help, but she just stands there as silent and still as a stone, not meeting my gaze.
“Gran,” I’m losing my voice now, “didn’t you tell me that my mother lost her life while giving birth to me?” I demand. “My mother is long gone, so this woman here or anybody else cannot be her!”
But Gran yet doesn’t say a word.
“Dad.” I look back at him. “We lost Mom when she chose to bring me into this world. Isn’t this the reason why you were distant all these years? Isn’t this why―” I break off. “Dad,” I speak again after a pause. “There’s something that I-I need to tell you. Last summer, I happened to come across a journal in your study. Your journal. And the last entry that y
ou wrote in it was about me. And I can honestly quote it word for word ‘cause those words…those words have tormented me ever since. You wrote―”
“I know what I wrote, Ellie. And I can explain…”
It’s Katherine who speaks, sounding numb. “I’ll tell you everything,” she adds. “I never wanted to have kids of my own. So, I wasn’t happy when I found out that I was pregnant with you. It was totally unplanned. I wanted to give the baby up for adoption, but I didn’t have it in me to tell Eron or anybody. After you were born, I just I freaked out. So I left. I ran away.”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing right now. If this is one of my nightmares, I wanna wake up from it this very moment. I will never go back to sleep ever again. But the sordid dream doesn’t just end there. The woman in front of me continues to speak.
“I spent the years that followed trying to make myself believe that I did the right thing. That leaving you and Eron was the right thing to do because I didn’t have what it took to be a mother. I got married again. I got divorced. And I couldn’t find ways anymore to convince myself that abandoning you was the right thing. I wanted to come back, I really wanted to, but I got to know there was someone else in Eron’s life. So I stayed away. I thought that you deserved someone better than me, Eleanor. Yet I couldn’t help but try to reach out again. But this time, I happened to cross paths with your gran instead.”
I look at Gran at once. I wanted her to deny having met this manipulative lady before, but she is poker-faced, which further cripples my breath.
“Your gran told me that Eron has found love again and that you hate me, Eleanor. So I should never try to come back into your lives. And I believed her.” She glances at Gran and then at me. “It wasn’t until I met your father in Florence that I found out that I had been lied to.”
“That’s because I was trying to protect Eleanor and my son!” Gran retorts heatedly, breaking her long silence. “I was very much against Eron marrying you in the first place anyway. Always knew you were no good. Always knew you were nothing more than a bitch. And you proved me right when you just vanished in thin air one day! So I wasn’t going to let you ruin our lives again. You were dead to me the moment you left your baby and your husband, which is why I lied to Eleanor.”
Gran looks at me with eyes filled with remorse and pain.
But I look away. It’s hurting so bad that even tears had given up on me because my whole life is playing out like a cruel joke right now. My life is just a big fat lie.
“Your dad and I wanted to tell you the truth, Eleanor,” my so-called mother speaks, “but after reading your letter, I realized that you hold this sublime image of your mom in your mind that I can never match up to. You believed that your mom was brave and selfless, but I’m a coward who’s made a lot of mistakes in her life. Eron was reluctant but agreed to hide the truth from you. But Devon told us what you were going through and that you deserved to know the truth no matter how ugly it is.”
There is a cruel pause. “I’m very sorry, Eleanor…” she adds in a fragile voice.
“I’m very sorry too, Ellie,” Dad apologizes, looking guilty.
“I was only trying to protect you, hon. But I’m really sorry for having kept you in the dark all these years,” Gran speaks in solemn regret.
I don’t say a word. I just wheel around, pull the door open, and storm out of there. The three unfamiliar voices try to stop me from leaving, but I don’t heed to any of their calls. I keep walking as fast as my trembling legs could carry me. If I thought I was strong enough to save myself from falling, I don’t think the same anymore. I can’t believe I’ve been so brutally double-crossed by fate. I can’t believe that all the pain, all the tears, all the fear, and all the nightmares that I’ve been through would ultimately lead me to this day…this end. Because now, I don’t know where to go from here.
I used to wonder what it would be like to be in Jackson’s shoes, to be amidst people who wear masks on their faces. Turns out I’d look way too further than I should have. Because the people I thought I knew, the people I cared about have been harboring secrets all this time and they never intended to tell me. I now know why Gran displayed such fondness towards me. I now know why Dad was trying to be a good father. It wasn’t because they loved me; it’s because they felt guilty.
I can’t even recognize myself anymore. I’ve lost all meaning that I once saw in my existence. I can’t bring myself to call my own shadow as mine. Who am I really? Why am I here? Where do I come from? Is there any place where I belong?
I had this thought that I could finally have a family after all this time. But all I now have with me is a life full of lies. I’ve been living in a shell made of lies. And now that I’m out of it, everything is so broken inside me that there’s no place for hope to fit in. There’s nothing left in my heart for it to beat. I don’t know who to trust anymore. Do I even have the ability left in me to trust?
All at once, my chest feels heavier than I can contain and tears flood my eyes like a turbulent sea spreading rapidly over a barren piece of land. My vision blurs. The next thing I know, I break down.
***
Devon does a double take when I show up at the trailer by the riverside. By the way he looks at me, I can tell he knows that I teared up.
“Eleanor.” He makes a dash towards me and hugs me tight. I’m not able to feel anything. My hands stay limp by my sides.
“How did you know?” I ask quietly, feeling empty.
Devon pulls away and looks at me in concern. “It can wait for a while. Let me get you some wa―”
“No, it can’t.” I stay firm.
Devon exhales a tensed breath. “Fine, I’ll tell you,” he relents. “It all goes back to that corporate lunch party that you went to with your dad in New York. Your photographs in the yellow dress, it just didn’t add up. I found it quite odd that my mom would take so many candid solo pictures of just you at the luncheon and then not give even half of those to you. Why click so many photos of yours then? She wasn’t even using them in any way. But there had to be a reason somewhere. And, this morning, when I finally had it in me to look through the rest of her stuff, I got to know to whom she sent those pictures to.”
“To my dead mother?” I snort.
Devon nodded grimly. “You’re right. I thought that Katherine was a fraud when I found out that her real name was Alice.”
“You confronted her with the truth. And it turned out that she used to be Alice Sanchez once upon a time,” I figure out.
“Turns out she and my mom knew each other,” he continues, “They had worked for the same client once. Alice longed to know how you were and how you looked like. She wished to have something of yours. Around that time, my mom was hired to take pictures at the luncheon where you and your dad had attended.”
“And so your mom provided Katherine with my pictures as a favor,” I say. “It’s got to be after Gran told her that we weren’t missing her at all.”
Devon nods. “Alice was shocked that I, of all people, turned out to be her colleague’s son and that I know about those photographs.”
“It’s a small world after all,” I say dryly. “I just don’t know what to think and what to do. My mother came back from the dead, and I can’t bring myself to accept her. It’s more like a wicked game played in this mad world.”
“I thought I’d lose you after you find out the truth,” admits Devon, intertwining his fingers with mine.
That touch should have been the greatest comfort I could ever find. Sadly, I’m too numb to tread on emotions again.
“You know what? I just want to break free from the whole thing,” I tell him, releasing my hand from his hold. “I don’t want to think about right or wrong because I can’t right now. It’s just too much for me. I want to get the hell out of here and go off someplace else for a few days.”
There’s a long and thoughtful pause before Devon decides to speak, “I was meaning to tell you that it’s still unclear whether I’d be
accepted into the academy. I need to go back to Philly tonight for a brief period. You can come along if you want to.”
“I will,” I say promptly without a second thought.
When everything was said and done, I come back to the place I used to call home only to pack a few things to get going with. I text Stef and Josh that I’m going to Philly for a short vacation with my boyfriend. Devon comes over to pick me up. Through the window, I see him waiting for me outside the gates, and I go downstairs trailing a bag behind me. I will miss my room.
“Ellie, don’t leave, please,” says Dad, looking pained and worried, as he stands in the living room with Katherine and Gran.
“I’m fine,” I respond impassively. “I just need time to believe that all these years I’ve lived in a home where everyone had secrets of their own, and I had lies for truth.”
“Eleanor, please…” Katherine looks at me with imploring eyes.
“It’s not that I don’t like the fact that you’re alive,” I tell her. “It’s a weird miracle that you are if you look at it from my point of view.” I chuckle dryly. “The thing is I have,” I pause, “I’ve been through a lot. And maybe except for Devon, I’m most likely to end up having trust issues with everybody else now. It’s great that Dad has let you into his life again, but I can’t think right now if I’ll be able to begin again as well. I’m sorry.”
And with one look at the gloomy expression on Gran’s face, I step out the front door.
“We’re gonna be fine,” says Devon as I climb down the porch and walk over to him.
I nod silently at his words, which were meant to strengthen me. I get onto the passenger seat of his car and buckle my seat belt. Devon gets behind the wheel knowing that I can’t feel anything for him even if I want to. But he doesn’t bring up the distressing topic with me. He merely swallows the bitter truth. I hate myself for having put him in that position. But I don’t want to tell him something without meaning any of it.
And this is how, amidst the silence, we leave the picturesque suburban neighborhood of Crawford Lane nestled on the outskirts of New York City. I’m not sure if I’d want to come back to this favorite place of mine anytime soon.
Again: A Young Adult Romance Page 27
