After Always (Always Series Book 5)

by Lindsay Becs

  Travis, I love you. Plain and simple. You are it. Long before I knew it, you were my everything. Thank you, Travis, for giving me a beautiful life. For giving me the sunshine of our lives in Penny. For loving me so purely and wholly. For taking care of me when things got ugly. For taking on Ollie and especially Tatum. You are an unbelievable man, and I’m so lucky that you chose me.

  I will love you forever. I will miss you with every flutter of my angel wings.

  You are my always.

  Josie

  Chapter 2

  Travis

  First Year After Josie

  “Travis, let me come home and help you,” Ollie pleads with me over the phone. He’s been back at Northwestern for a few months but calls almost every day to check in. I’m not sure if it’s for my benefit or his at this point.

  “No. You know as well as I do that isn’t what she’d want. You’re so close to being done. Finish and be the best damn doctor you can be.”

  “You make it sound like those army commercials. ‘Be all that you can be!’” he sing-songs with a chuckle.

  “Shut up.”

  “Seriously, dude, let me help.”

  I let out a frustrated breath. “No,” I say more sternly this time, just as I hear Penny start to cry. “I need to go. Penny is waking up. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. From college,” I add and hang up before he can say anything in return.

  It’s ten o’clock, and usually, Penny sleeps through the night, but since Josie passed, she stirs awake more now. I can’t say that I don’t understand because I sure sleep like shit too now.

  Pushing open my three-year-old daughter’s bedroom door, I see her sitting up in bed holding her stuffed pig, aptly named Oinkers, with fresh tears rolling down her still-chubby cheeks.

  “Hey, baby girl, what’s wrong?” I ask softly, kneeling next to her bed. Smoothing down her wild hair, I kiss the crown of her head. “Did you have a bad dream?” Nodding, she hiccups through her cries. “Scoot,” I tell her, climbing in next to her, wrapping around her tiny body to protect her from anything bad that could possibly plague her mind.

  “I miss Momma,” her little voice whispers after a few minutes, breaking my heart.

  I squeeze her tighter to me. “Me too, LP. Me too.”

  “Why did she leave me, Daddy?”

  I hate this. I hate this. I fucking hate this!

  “She didn’t leave you, LP. Momma got sick and needed to go to heaven to feel better. I promise you, she did not want to leave you or me or any of us behind. OK?”

  “OK, Daddy,” she concedes, but I can tell she’s not buying it. Maybe it’s time I open her box of letters.

  I sit up, ready to get them, but she tugs at my arm to keep me with her. “I’ll be right back. I have something for you from your momma.” Even in the dark, I can see her eyes sparkle with happiness. It’s the first time that the promise of a letter from Josie doesn’t seem to hurt my heart as much as it feels good.

  I hurry to retrieve Penny’s box from my room and set it in front of her on her bed. “Do you know what it says on top?” She shakes her head no. “It says Penelope, your full first name. The name your momma named you.”

  “And you called me Penny because I your lucky Penny.”

  “That’s right; you’re my LP.” I smile at my daughter, who looks so much like her mother. “Open your box,” I encourage.

  Her little hands pull the top open, and I hear her gasp as her blue eyes look at all the letters inside. “What’s this?”

  “Before your momma left for heaven, she wrote letters to you.”

  “You too?” she asks me with wide, hopeful eyes.

  I smile at her sweet face. “Yes, me, and Ollie and Tatum, too.” Her smile grows hearing her brother’s and sister’s names, knowing that they get the same gift as her.

  I reach in to touch the letters that Josie wrote to our daughter. “Do you want me to read one of the letters to you?” Penny nods enthusiastically.

  I find one that seems like a good fit for tonight. “Missing Momma” is written on it. Pulling it out, I clear my throat before I start to read it.

  “My Sweet Baby Girl,” I start, but Penny interrupts me.

  “That’s what Momma calls me!”

  “I know, Penny! Isn’t it awesome that your momma wrote letters just for you?”

  “Yup! Keep going, Daddy!”

  “Bossy,” I tease, kissing her on the head as she crawls into my lap to hear the rest of the letter from her special momma.

  My Sweet Baby Girl,

  I miss you so much!! But did you know that I get to watch you from heaven? That’s right, Penny. I get to jump on the clouds in the sky and watch as you run and play outside or help your daddy at his garage or even while you sleep. And you know what else? I give you kisses while you sleep. Have you gotten any new freckles since I had to leave for heaven? Those new freckles are from where I kiss you in your sleep each night.

  So, you see? I’m never far from you. You may not be able to see me, but I hope you can feel me with you sometimes because I’m never far from you. On top of that, you have your daddy with you, and he’s pretty great too.

  Be good for your daddy, make sure he feeds you vegetables sometimes, and make him laugh every day.

  I love you, Penny!

  Momma

  She’s quiet for a minute before she jumps up and runs to the bathroom, flicking on the light. “Daddy! I do have more freckles since Momma left! She kisses me a lot!” I laugh as I walk to join her in the bathroom.

  “Yes, you do.”

  “And you made me eat my trees with dinner tonight,” she grumbles before adding, “and you laughed when I told you trees should stay outside and not be on the table. That is rude.”

  I smile at my little girl, loving the happiness and peace she was able to get from the perfect words from her momma.

  “You’re very right,” I say just as I tickle her sides, picking her up and carrying her back to bed. “It’s time for bed now.”

  “Can we go fly to Momma tomorrow?” she asks, pulling the covers up to her chin. Her tears are long gone now and replaced with a smile.

  “You bet. We’ll get ice cream too. Sound good?”

  “Yep! I love you, Daddy.”

  “I love you, too, LP.” I kiss her once more, saying goodnight and hoping it sticks this time.

  My hands are trembling as I stand next to the bench that’s placed by the pond where I shared so many memories with my late wife. I wanted to do this for Josie. I needed to do this for Penny. But more than anything, I had to do this to feel her here, closer to me, each time I came to our spot.

  “Thank you guys for being here as we dedicate this bench to Josie,” I begin, looking out at the various faces of family, friends, and colleagues of Josie’s. They’re all here to support me in dedicating this bench to her. That alone means more to me than anything.

  “Most of you know that this is where Josie and I were married. What you might not know is that I used to come here as a kid with my mom. It became a place of solace and peace for me through the years. Later, I brought Josie here, and it became that for her, too. This is where I told her I loved her, danced with her under the stars and snow, and where she told me I’d be OK after she was gone. This is the place where Penny and I come to talk to her and about her. This is Josie’s place. It’s Josie’s pond. And now, this is where Josie’s bench is.” I pause to tamp down my emotions before going on to read what’s etched on the plaque on the bench. “I will sit with you, talk with you, and dance with you as I feel your presence all around me. I love you, pretty girl. Always. Thank you.” I nod, taking Penny’s hand and guiding her to sit on her mother’s special bench.

  “Hi, Momma,” she whispers when we sit, her head leaning against me.

  I startle when I feel a hand touch my shoulder, breaking me from the trance I’m in, thinking about Josie. “This is really beautiful, Trav,” Tatum tells me as she sits next to me.

  “You did goo
d, man,” Ollie adds, sitting next to Penny and taking her hand.

  The four of us sit there, holding hands and thinking about the woman who changed all of our lives, although in different ways. She is someone no one can erase. Now I know it wasn’t just me who needed this, but all of us.

  Everyone begins to leave and wish us well as we remain sitting until the sun goes down.

  I’m nursing my third beer of the night, trying to convince my body to go to sleep. It’s almost midnight when I hear someone knocking on my door. I’m confused by who would be stopping by at this hour.

  Flipping on the porch light, I peek out the window and see a distraught-looking Tatum on my porch. Yanking open the door, I search her to make sure she isn’t hurt. “You alright?”

  “Can I stay here tonight?” she asks with a quivering lip. The strongest girl I know and her lip is quivering as she stands on my porch at midnight.

  I pull the door open farther to let her in. “Of course.” She walks inside, chucking her heels to the side before walking to the living room and plopping down on the couch. It’s when I follow her in that I see she’s wearing a short dress, showing off more skin than I know her mom would approve of. With her being a cheerleader and this being a Friday night, I can guess what kind of ‘event’ she came from. “Wanna talk about it?”

  “Nope,” she replies, staring at the TV where a show is playing that I didn’t even know was on.

  “Want a change of clothes to sleep in?”

  She rolls her eyes. “Sure.”

  I run upstairs to get clothes for her to change into, and on instinct, I open Josie’s dresser drawer to pull out leggings and a tee. It’s not until the drawer is open and I see her clothes there, smelling like her, that it hits me. I haven’t opened any of these since she passed away almost a year ago.

  I bite back every emotion that rushes in, gritting my teeth and closing my eyes to gain composure. When I open them again, I quickly grab whatever is on top, slam the drawer closed and run back down to toss them at Tatum. I don’t miss her gasp when the clothes land in her lap.

  I leave her to change and go to the kitchen to down a glass of water, but that isn’t enough, and the three beers I drank earlier aren’t doing the trick either. I reach up into the cabinet above the fridge and pull down a bottle of Jack that’s been collecting dust.

  I’m pouring some into a glass when Tatum comes in wearing Josie’s clothes. She looks so much like her mom. “I can change back,” she rushes out. I down the glass of liquor, wanting it to burn away the pain I feel.

  “It’s fine, Tate.”

  “Can I have one?” she asks, nodding toward the bottle still in my right hand.

  “Only if you tell me what happened tonight.”

  “Fine.” She rolls her eyes. “I went to a party, you know the typical football kind. Had a good fuck too.” She smirks.

  “Shit, Tatum,” I mumble, pouring more into my glass.

  “Anyway, that’s not the bad part. What was bad was that my dad locked me out. I got home five minutes past curfew, and he wouldn’t let me in.” She pauses. “Lie. His new girlfriend wouldn’t let me in.”

  “What the hell?”

  “Yeah, she’s a real peach.” She rolls her eyes again. “My dad went along with her, like he actually gives a shit, and told me that if I was going to whore around the neighborhood, I should have no problem finding a bed to sleep in for the night.”

  I slide my filled glass over to her. “I’m sorry your dad said that to you.”

  She shudders after taking a sip of the amber liquid. “I’m used to it, Travis. He’s never exactly been an uplifting parent.”

  “Sounds like he and my old man would get along then.” I huff a laugh at the thought. They’d tear each other apart trying to be better than the other, both failing miserably to be decent human beings.

  “I’ll leave first thing in the morning. I’m sorry it’s so late.”

  “You know you’re welcome here any time. Your room doesn’t change; it’s always there for you. And besides, I was up. I don’t sleep much anymore.”

  “Me either.”

  “Want to watch a movie?” I ask, which seems to lighten her mood some. I pop popcorn, adding in M&Ms while she picks a movie. We don’t say much as the chick-flick she picked begins to play, and before it’s halfway through, Tatum is snoring. I turn off the TV and cover her with a blanket before going upstairs to maybe get a couple of hours of sleep.

  The next day, I tell Tatum to stay and ask her to keep an eye on Penny for me while I run an errand. She gladly agrees, and I wish she’d come by more often, for her sake just as much as Penny’s and my own.

  I pull up to the house and try to not let my anger get away from me, but as soon as my fist knocks on the door and his smug face opens it, I can’t help it. My fist pulls back and fires straight at his face.

  “Fuck!” Adam yells, grabbing his jaw, ready to hit me back, but I’m too fast and hit him a second time. This time he falls on his ass.

  “You owe Tatum a fucking apology, you piece of shit!” I yell into his red face as I grab him by the collar. “If I ever hear that you lock her out again or call her anything but princess, I will not only come back and deliver a bigger beat down, I’ll bring Ollie with me too.”

  “Are you threatening me?” he laughs.

  “Sure am. Clean up your shit-stained pants and get ready to deliver that apology. I’ll send Tatum home in an hour.”

  “You’ve got balls, you lowly piece of shit. I’ll give you that.”

  “Are you just now realizing that?”

  His bloody smile grows, making him look more insane. “No, I guess I should have known that when you married my crazy ex-wife. Guess you got off lucky since Josie died and all.”

  “You son of a bitch!” I yell as I pummel him again and again. I’m engrossed in my anger when I can feel Josie pulling me away to stop. My breathing is ragged and my knuckles raw. I spit on him as he’s lying there in the fetal position, then turn to leave. “Don’t you ever say her name again.”

  I drive down the road, and when I’m far enough away for him not to see me, I pull over just in time to puke out the side of my car. I haven’t lost my temper like that in a long time. “Fuck!” I yell, slapping my hands on my steering wheel. I try to calm my breathing as best I can, and when I make it home, I race straight to my bathroom to clean myself up before the girls see me.

  Although Adam deserved every hit I delivered, I shouldn’t have done that. There’s no way Tatum won’t put it all together. Not to mention it was stupid. Adam is smart, and he’s the exact kind of shithead who would use this against me to ruin my life and take my family from me. I can only hope that he’s a little scared of me and will leave it all alone and never come near me again.

  “You OK, Trav?” Tatum asks, knocking on the bedroom door.

  I pull it open and look at her. “I just beat the shit out of your dad,” I admit honestly.

  She stares at me in disbelief for a few seconds before laughter bubbles out of her. “Holy shit!”

  I smirk at her. This girl is deranged if she thinks this is funny. “It’s not funny, Tate.”

  “I wish I could have seen his face when you hit him the first time. I bet it was totally epic!”

  “Yeah, epic.” I roll my eyes at her. “It was stupid. I lost my shit. I’m sorry, Tate.”

  “Thank you for standing up for me, Travis.”

  “You know I’d do anything for you. You are my family just as much as Penny. Even Ollie,” I add with a chuckle.

  “You’re my family. You’re more of a dad to me than he is.”

  That means more to me than she’ll ever know. “Thanks, Tate.”

  “You good if I leave? I want to see how badly you beat in his ugly mug.”

  “That’s terrible!” I laugh. “Get out of here. Text me later and let me know you’re good, OK?”

  She agrees, and a couple of hours later I get a text from her.

  Tatum
: His face looks like a lumpy dark cloud. Nice job. He’s taking the week off work to hide. Pussy.

  This girl. God help the man who tries to tame her.

  Tatum: Oh! And he apologized and kicked out this week’s flavor. Nice job, Trav!

  Me: You’re sick. But thanks. Need anything, hit me up, K?

  Tatum: I will. Love ya, new favorite dad.

  Me: Back at ya, Tate.

  As weird of a day as it’s been, I’m glad to have this time with her. I think we hit a new level in our stepdad/stepdaughter relationship. I wish Josie were here to see it. Although, she’d kick my ass for what I did.

  I go to my room and pull out the letter labeled “When Adam Strikes.”

  Oh boy, what did he do now? Or maybe the bigger question is: did you hit him yet? You did, didn’t you? Travis! How many times have I told you through the years that you cannot fix problems with your fists? Too many!

  But I bet that bastard deserved it. Is it bad that I was probably smiling and cheering you on as you did it? Oh man, that’s a terrible thing to say… And now I’m done feeling bad about it. That. That’s how long you should let it get to you. Move on. Move past it. Keep your distance.

  I’m sorry he has to be a part of me that I had to leave behind. But I did have to watch you kiss that girl Sara! We’re even.

  Love you, baby!

  Chapter 3

  Travis

  Two Years After Josie

  This year is already killing me. Penny started kindergarten, and as excited as she was to go, I hated seeing my little garage helper leave my side. Besides, she needs more structure and sunny rainbows than she’s getting from me.

  “Hey, dick face!” Ollie yells as he walks into the house. He’s fucking lucky that Penny started school this year and is exhausted when she gets home. She’s already passed out for the night.