by T E. D Klein
Sarr returned to the table to see Deborah ladling out more soup and the cats grouped like disciples at her feet. Freirs looked up from his bowl as Sarr resumed his seat. 'So there you were,' he said, 'speeding toward Gotham and God knows what iniquity. Then what?'
Sarr smiled uncertainly. 'Well,' he said, 'it's a long story.'
'No doubt,' said Freirs.
Carol added, 'You can't just leave us on the bus, you know.'
'I'm afraid that Deborah's heard it all before.'
'And more than once,' said Deborah. 'Still, you'd best tell them, honey, now that you've a proper audience.'
He had meant, as the host, to hold his tongue, the way he usually did, but somehow this whole meal had started wrong. Perhaps it was the wine.
'Well… ' He took another swallow. 'All right, then. Perhaps you'll even learn from my mistakes. I remember I reached the city a little after noon. The first thing I did was just stand there in the bus station and look at all the people. I'd never seen so many in one place, nor yet so many shades of skin. Twas like looking into an anthill, only this one was going on all around me and I was in the middle. I was bigger than most everybody else, and I know there's always Someone up there watching' – he pointed toward the ceiling -'so I'm not the kind to feel scared. But if I was, that's the time I would have felt it.'
'It's hard to believe you'd never been to New York before,' said Freirs, as if already regretting he'd given up the floor. 'Let's face it, you're only a little over an hour away.' He glanced guiltily at Carol. 'Okay, maybe two hours, if the traffic's bad.'
'The Brethren don't see it like that,' said Sarr. 'Just because a place is an hour or two away doesn't mean they'll want to pay it a visit. I'd say half the folks in this town have never been to New York.' Beside him Deborah nodded. 'They read about it in the Home News -'
'The ones who aren't afraid to read a newspaper,' she added. 'Some of 'em around here think it's a sin to read anything but the Bible.'
'And some don't,' said Sarr firmly. 'A few of them see it on the TV, if they have one, or even at the drive-in up in Lebanon. They know all about New York. The point is, they just plain don't want to go. My mother's never been there, and never will. But I was curious, and I don't scare easy. So there I was, in the middle of the anthill, plowing my way toward the street.
'The first thing I saw when I got outside was this little fellow in a red getup, standing there on the sidewalk and ringing a dinner bell. He had a beard as white as old Brother Mogg's and twice as long, but I could see it was just lamb's wool. I knew who he was supposed to be, of course – you can't walk a mile out of Gilead, that time of year, without seeing an electrified Santa Claus on some fool's lawn – but I sure wasn't expecting to see a grown man dressed up that way in public.
'I stood and watched him for a while. It turned out he was collecting for some sort of charity, and I figured I'd best give him something. I had the money with me I'd saved up from working in my father's store. Looking back now, it doesn't seem like much -less than forty dollars – but it was all I had. I reached down in ray pocket to dig it out, and that's when I found out it was gone.
'I can still remember how I felt. It was like somebody'd poleaxed me, it near made me dizzy. I went stumbling back into the bus station, searching every stranger's face, trying to find out which one could have done this to me- as if I'd know just by looking in his eyes. And I'll tell you something: everyone I passed looked like he could have done it. Maybe it was just the way I was feeling, but I swear there wasn't an honest face amongst 'em.'
The room had grown silent but for the purring of the plump grey cat as it pressed itself against the foot of his chair. He realized with a flush of embarrassment that the others had long ago finished their soup and were waiting for him to do the same. 'Here,' he said, pushing the bowl roughly toward his wife, 'take it! I've had my fill.' As she collected the bowls he frowned and turned away, reaching down to stroke the grey cat's head.
Carol was watching him expectantly. 'How awful,' she said at last.'To lose all your money like that! And it always happens to the ones who need it most.'
'I assume you took the first bus back to Flemington,' said Freirs. There was a shade less sympathy in his voice.
Back at the oven, Deborah laughed.'Then you don't know Sarr.' She swung back the oven door and reached inside with the pot-holder; something bubbled and hissed, and the smell of roasting meat grew stronger. 'He's a stubborn one, he is. He's not one to give up without a fight.'
Sarr smiled. 'I'm stubborn, all right. And also a damned fool! I could have come home, because I still had my return ticket, right there in the pocket of my shirt. But that would've been too easy. I was out for justice. Maybe God had meant it for a sign, but I thought He was giving me a test. So what I did was, I went back out to the sidewalk and just stood there goggle-eyed a while, staring at the crowd. I had this crazy notion that maybe I'd see some other fool's pocket getting picked. I didn't, of course – no thief s that stupid -but I did get some advice. I felt a kind of tugging at my coat sleeve, and when I looked down, there was old Santa Claus peering up at me. His face was covered by the beard, but I could see his eyes, and they were sad. "I saw them take your money," he said. His voice was real soft, like an old flute. "It was two black boys with coats like yours. They ran up there." He was pointing north, past a row of bars and pawnshops and movie-house marquees. Way off in the distance I could see a line of trees, as if that was where the city came to an end. I thanked him, and he wished me luck, and I headed up the street.'
Sarr paused as his wife returned to the table with a platter topped by a sizzling brown leg of lamb. It was followed by potatoes, his Aunt Lise's homemade mint jelly, and Deborah's own garden-grown beans. He saw Carol eye the meat dubiously and assumed she must be worrying about how much it had cost them. Well, it hadn't been cheap, especially for a man already in debt, but there were certain obligations to a guest that couldn't be evaded.
'Sure wish I'd had a meal like this when I started on my walk,' he said, sliding the platter toward him. He took the carving knife Deborah handed him and sliced off a thick slab of meat. 'Unfortunately, I'd nothing but a few cents change tied up in a handkerchief-just enough to buy myself a bar of chocolate.' He speared the meat and turned to Carol. 'Here, pass me your plate.'
She shook her head. 'Thanks, but no. I don't eat meat.'
He felt a spark of irritation. So that's why she's so skinny.
Deborah looked upset. 'Why didn't you say anything, Carol? I could have made something else tonight.'
'It's really okay,' said Carol. She seemed embarrassed. 'There was no need to go to any trouble. I've been a vegetarian since college, and I'll manage perfectly well on what you've got right here.'
'But Jeremy, why didn't you say anything?'
Freirs shrugged. 'I didn't know. We've only had spaghetti together. Carol, you never even told me.'
'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I guess I never got the chance. Honestly, it's no big deal. I'm happy with the beans and potatoes.'
'Well,' Deborah fretted, 'as long as that's enough… '
'It will be,' said Carol. Poroth could see that she wished the subject had never come up. 'Now poor Sarr, here, all he had to eat was a bit of chocolate.'
'Well, that wasn't till later,' he said, grateful she'd remembered. 'At the time, all I wanted was to find my money.' Carefully he served the others, then himself. 'I suppose it was foolish of me to try.'
'Naive, at any rate,' said Freirs. 'How'd you think you'd recognize the thief? There are a lot of sheepskin coats in New York.'
'I expected the Lord would give me a sign. He's never failed me, you know.'
Freirs looked skeptical. 'Really? Another sign?'
Sarr nodded. 'He doesn't fail believers. And with that knowledge in my heart, I kept on walking north. 'Twas a sour, cold day, I remember, with grey skies and a wind up, but there was no snow on the ground. It must have been a good deal hotter down below, because clouds of steam kep
t rising from holes in the pavement, and everyone in town seemed to be out of doors, rushing from one shop to the next, studying the goods behind the windows. Most of the goods looked awfully shoddy, with nothing special to them but their prices. I can't for the life of me see how anybody could afford them. Even if I'd had my money, it wouldn't have gotten me much. And yet everyone I saw seemed to have a package or two under his arm. Not a person was smiling – there wasn't a happy soul amongst 'em -but they sure must have wanted the things in those windows, like pigs fighting over a pile of garbage. I guess that's how they celebrate Christmas over there. It's a wonder they don't hate it.'
'A lot of them do,' said Freirs. "The rate of crime and suicide goes up that time of year. But it sounds like you're saying it's just what the people deserve.' Sarr saw Carol's look of annoyance, but Freirs went blithely on. 'You think they're all wicked, don't you?'
'No, I don't,' said Sarr. 'I think a lot of them are wicked, but a lot of others are nothing more than victims, and it's up to us to punish the first and save the second. Sometimes, I'll grant, it can be hard to tell the difference, but still I don't condemn them all. Not even the women who tried to stop me on the street, the ones who called out to me as I passed. I didn't understand, then, what it was they wanted, but I had a sense of it -1 saw as how they weren't dressed for the cold – so I made no answer and walked on.' He had added that for Deborah's sake; he couldn't let her get the wrong impression. 'I know about them now, of course. They said they wanted love, but they really wanted money. Twas all right there in the Bible, though I never thought I'd see it for myself. Some of them were wicked, all right, "an abomination unto the Lord." But some, I'm sure, were just the victims of the city.'
Deborah eyed him with amusement. 'Come on, honey,' she said. 'Tell them what you did.'
'I am,' said Sarr. "What I'm saying is, there were all kinds of temptations in that city: places I could have entered, things I might have done. But I passed them by.'
Freirs grinned. 'You were broke!'
'No, sir,' Sarr said gruffly, 'I was strong. The Lord was with me. I passed the tempters by and kept on walking. I walked until I came to the line of trees I'd seen from down the street. They began just past a low stone wall. It was a bit of greenery at last, the edge of Central Park; I'd heard about it. A dangerous place, that's what I'd been told, but when I looked over the wall I could see there were people all through it that day, out for a stroll, eating roasted chestnuts or just sitting on the benches with their hands' stuffed in their pockets. The street ran right alongside it, but I followed my instincts and walked on up the path toward where the woods looked deepest. I suppose I thought God was going to lead me to the thieves who stole my money. But He had other plans for me… '
A breeze lifted the flowered muslin curtains in the window by the sink. Night was coming on. The sporadic clatter of their knives and forks now rose above the faint rhythm of crickets.
'At first the park was real ugly,' he went on. 'Everywhere you walked you could hear the sound of traffic, automobile horns, people yelling at each other… And everywhere you stood you could see buildings in the background, just behind the trees. Maybe this time of year it would have been different, with leaves to cover up the view, but when I saw it the branches were bare. Besides, the place just didn't seem real. Not to me anyway. It was supposed to look like you were in a forest; I could see how they were hoping to fool you with the rocks and the brooks and that winding little path going up and down over the hills. Yet wherever you looked there was garbage on the ground, and the trees were black with soot.
'But as I kept on heading north, the place began to draw me in somehow. It was so huge for a city park, it just went on and on-'
'It's supposed to be twice the size of Monaco, in fact.'
'Oh, Jeremy, hush!'
'-and I began to lose the sense of being in a city. I could still see buildings far away, behind me and on either side, but the place seemed quieter now. I could actually hear the wind in the branches, and there weren't many people anymore, just a few strange, lonely-looking old men out for a winter's walk. All of a sudden the trees thinned out -1 hadn't been expecting that – and I came to the edge of a great flat meadow. Most of the grass there was dead, with bare patches showing through everywhere. Underneath that dark grey sky it all looked very sad. There were two or three figures in the distance kicking a ball around, but I wasn't interested in them, so I moved off to one side, still keeping to the trees. After a while they began getting thicker again, and the ground got hilly. One minute I was walking over a little stone bridge, the next I was moving through a tunnel. On the other side I couldn't see the meadow anymore. I couldn't even see the buildings. I was inside a tight little ring of trees – a perfect circle, the limbs actually touching one another, like children playing ring-around-the-rosy. And I was in the middle all alone, with not a sound or a sight to distract me. Why, I could have been in the center of a forest, the deepest forest on the face of this planet, with no one there to see me but the Lord.
'I knew at once it was a holy place, God's own preserve in the very heart of wickedness. And I don't mind telling you-' He gripped the edge of the table and leaned forward, talking especially to this new woman who had come among them, who seemed to have some of the Holy Spirit in her. 'I don't mind telling you that in that lonely place, myself a stranger of just seventeen years, I got down on my knees and said a prayer. I said, "Father, make me a vessel of Thy cleansing light and deliver me from evil. And if Thou pointest the way, I shall follow." That's what I said, and I started to get to my feet.
'And just then, out of the corner of my eye, I thought I caught a flash of movement somewhere outside the circle. By the time I turned, I'd missed it, but then there it was again, only far off to the side now, like a pair of dark shapes flitting past the trees. 'Twas only a glimpse, mind you, and then they'd moved away out of sight, but I was sure somehow that God had led me to the black boys I was after, the ones with coats like mine. I was wrong, though, I must have been, because when I ran across the circle and into the woods there was no one around. And the woods were so thick thereabouts, what with creepers and puckerbrush and all, that I didn't see how two people could've run through that way anyhow, one right beside the other, and I thought that what I must've seen was one man running with his shadow, or the shadow of a bird.'
Freirs looked as if he were about to ask a question, but Deborah spoke up first; 'Honey, you're gonna have them thinking you were drunk!' She lowered her eyes. "Course I know you'd never touch a drop.'
He grinned briefly, 'I'll not claim that! But I'll grant I was feeling spoke up first. 'Honey, you're gonna have them thinking you were since morning, and had a long ways still to walk.'
'You mean back to the bus?' said Carol.
'No, I kept on heading north, at least until I got out of the park. When that was behind me I took to the cross streets and started working my way up in a kind of zigzag fashion, wandering from one side of the island to the other. I actually believed I could cover every block. The streets up there were even dirtier, and there didn't seem to be as many people as before. There were the same holes in the ground, though, and the same steam coming out, as if the whole town had been built on top of a volcano. My own breath was steaming too, like a dragon's, and when I walked through a steam cloud I couldn't tell which part came from underground and which came from me. I was hungry and tired by then, and little by little I could feel the day get colder as the sun began going down, even though there were still a few hours left of afternoon. Most of the faces around me were black or foreign-looking now, and by the time evening came I felt like I'd wandered into a completely different country. But I put myself in the hands of the Lord and kept right on walking.
'The farther I walked, the more black faces I saw. Everybody'd watch me as I passed, at times just with curiosity, at times with something more, I saw a few people smile, like they knew some joke against me, and a lot of others glared at me with hatred in their e
yes. At one point a group of kids tried to stop me from going up their road. They formed a line across the sidewalk and told me that if I wanted to get past I'd have to give them all my money – just like the kings of Jerusalem asking pilgrims for a toll. But like I said, I'm not a one to get scared off. There were a lot of them, but I was bigger, and I knew the Lord was with me. I turned out the pockets of my pants to show them I had nothing and just kept on walking. No one tried to stop me, and I never looked back. My pockets stayed turned out for the rest of the night.'
'For the rest of the-' Freirs stared with disbelief. 'What'd you do, spend the night in Harlem?'
Sarr shrugged. 'Can't say. I just kept moving, that's all, and I wasn't much aware of the passage of time. I even forgot to worry about what my mother'd think. I just knew that the night was coming early, I didn't have my money, and everything around me was godless and ugly and mean. The houses – well, they were a horror, they looked as if they'd been deserted for years, like the ruins down the road from here, only there were lights coming on in some of the windows. And the shops were foul and dingy, though their prices were just as high as all the rest. Even the churches made me wonder, they looked so much like shops, with doorways along the sidewalk and billboards in front. There was one place, the Church of the Dog… ' He shuddered.
'And the people I saw! If only I could forget. The ones in the alleys, or sitting on the curb, or lying in the street asleep with bottles by their heads… It was almost night now, freezing cold, and they should have been indoors. So should I, though I didn't pay much heed to it till the sky turned really dark. I managed to find a few faint stars up there, but not a great many – nothing like out here. And then the streetlights all came on, up and down the blocks without a sound. They made everything seem even darker, and the stars were blotted out. That's the time I felt the loneliest, I think. I found myself looking into every window I passed and wishing I could join the folks inside, black as they were. It seemed so warm and light in there, especially from out on the street with the homeless ones and half-starved dogs and frozen-looking cats.'
