by Katey Lovell
“Matters of the heart?” she enquired. “We did wonder why we didn’t get an update after the weekend, but didn’t like to push you for details.”
“That’s part of it,” I said, downplaying the effect the whole Darius situation had had on my productivity, “but I need to speak to Marcie about taking some time off at short notice.”
“The funeral?”
I shook my head. “I’ll need time for that but there’s something else too.”
“Ooh.” Jane grabbed a cloth from the edge of the sink and wiped the spillage from the kitchen work surface. “Planning a holiday? Getting away might be just what you need.”
“Tawna’s planned a holiday,” I corrected. “She booked herself a hen do. The trouble is we’re due to fly on Thursday, and you know how strict Marcie is about giving the full two weeks’ notice for any leave.”
“How exciting. Where are you off too, somewhere nice I hope?”
“New York.” I found myself smiling. Getting away did sound very appealing, and I’d spent half the night uploading clothes to the online sales sites to raise funds to pay Tawna back. Since there’d been no chance of me sleeping, it had seemed as good a time as any to set to work.
“How fancy! You youngsters go all out on these hen and stag dos these days. Mine was a night down the local with the girls and we thought we were posh because we had a meal as well as drinks. We’re talking thirty years ago now. It was a different time.”
“I’d have been more than happy with a night at the pub. Marcie’s going to hit the roof. She probably won’t even say yes.”
“She’ll understand. It’s not every day one of your best friends gets married. And don’t tell her I told you this, but she’s been worried about you, even before this weekend. She’ll be glad of you taking some time away from the office.”
“Worried? Why?”
“We’ve all noticed how distracted you’ve been lately. You know, you can always talk to us about anything that’s bothering you. You probably think we’re dinosaurs who can’t understand, but we’ll do our best and even if we can’t give you any advice we can listen.”
“Thanks, Jane,” I said, as she threw the soggy dishcloth into the sink, “but I wouldn’t know where to start. Everything’s got on top of me lately.”
“Let’s take these teas through, grab those choccie biccies, and you can get it all off your chest,” she said kindly. “Come on, now. You’ll feel better for offloading.”
Jane carried the tray through to our shared office, and called Kath and Marcie. “Ladies, it’s time for a tea break. And be quick about it, Sophie needs us.”
Before long we were sat in a circle, hands tightly wrapped around our mugs. I was dying for a biscuit too, my appetite having returned with a vengeance, but didn’t want to be the person to open the packet.
“So what’s troubling you?” Kath asked, her face furrowed in concern. “Besides Fred, of course. It’s not Max, is it? Because if he’s messed you around I’ll search the streets of Newcastle until I find him, and when I do I’ll string him up by his you-know-whats. No one takes advantage of our Sophie.”
I rapidly shook my head. “It’s not Max. It’s everything. I feel so out of my depth that I don’t know where to begin.”
“Take a deep breath,” Marcie instructed, demonstrating by inhaling in an over-exaggerated fashion. She looked like Yoga Leo. “And then when you’ve calmed down you can talk. Work can wait, you’re more important. We’re a family here, we all need to look after each other.”
Hearing my line manager speak so gently, so kindly, made me want to cry. It wasn’t like Marcie was a bad boss, but I’d never have had empathy down as her strong point. She was usually blunt, which probably explained why she was chosen for a role that requires ensuring we all toe the line in the first place.
“Well,” I began, taking another sip of my tea to brace myself, “Tawna’s booked a last minute hen do…”
“To New York!” Jane chimed in.
“…to New York,” I continued. “She didn’t tell us before she booked the flights and we’re due to leave on Thursday. I know it’s incredibly short notice, but I’m the chief bridesmaid and I feel I should be there.”
“Of course you should be there,” Marcie agreed. “Fill in the annual leave form and put it on my desk by the end of the day and I’ll get it signed off for you.”
I was amazed. That was one of the things I’d been getting myself worked up over ever since reading the message from Tawna saying she’d booked the flights. Could it really be as simple as filling in the form and Marcie would sign it off without a fuss?
“Are you sure? It’ll leave you short-staffed, and we’re so busy at the moment, and I’m going to need a day off for the funeral. I don’t want to let you lot down.”
“You’re not letting anyone down,” Kath said firmly. “I can take on some of your workload, if you like. So you’re not snowed under when you get back.”
“You don’t mind? Haven’t you got enough on with your own work?”
Kath flicked her hand nonchalantly. “It’s no problem, and better than getting a temp in. So that’s that sorted already.”
“See?” Jane said. “I told you we’d do whatever we could.”
“Thank you. Thanks all of you, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg,” I admitted, reaching over for the biscuits. I could only resist a good thing for so long before caving.
“Like I said, we look out for each other here. So, what else is bothering you? And don’t say nothing, I can tell from your body language that something’s up.”
“I kissed Darius.”
My workmates’ eyes were on stalks at that nugget of information.
“What about Max?” Jane said. “That date he took you on to the coast, it was like something out of a Mills and Boon.”
“I know, I know,” I moaned. “I’ve probably made a dreadful mistake.”
“I’d say definitely,” Kath muttered, barely loudly enough for me to hear. “Max sounded great.”
“Ssh.” Jane gave Kath a dirty look. “You’re not helping.”
“I’ve seen Darius a few times lately, and it’s thrown me. One minute we were talking, the next…”
“The next you had your tongue shoved down his throat?” Kath offered.
“Pretty much,” I said with a grimace. “It wasn’t planned. It just felt like the right thing to do at the time.”
“If it felt right, then maybe it was right,” Jane added, but she didn’t sound too sure. “Sometimes these things happen for good reason.”
“It was the grief, I wasn’t thinking straight. Besides, I feel bad for Max.”
“It’s not like you’re married to him.” Kath scoffed. “Not that that necessarily makes a difference. But you know what I mean. One kiss with your ex doesn’t constitute cheating, not when you’ve not made a commitment to each other.”
“You don’t even need to tell Max,” Jane said. “I wouldn’t, if I were you, not at this early stage. Keep your options open.”
“I disagree,” Marcie interjected disapprovingly. “It’s always better to be honest.”
“I don’t have the option of keeping it a secret even if I wanted to.” I hid my head in my hands. “Max was there,” I mumbled. “He saw us.”
Marcie frowned. “Pardon?”
“Awkward,” Jane said, a look of pity crossing her face.
“Fucking hell,” Kath exclaimed. “What did he say?”
“He didn’t have the chance to say anything. He was up on the stage setting up for the band and we were in the middle of a crowd.”
“Maybe he didn’t see you then,” Jane suggested. “If he was busy.”
“Oh, he saw us all right. He was looking directly at me. That’s why I feel so awful. He treated me so well when we went to Whitley Bay, he deserves someone better than me. Someone who doesn’t snog their ex-boyfriend.”
“Give him a call. Explain.” Jane made it sound so easy, not like the most
awkward conversation in the history of the world. “That’s if it’s him you want, of course.”
“I don’t know what I want.” I sighed, reaching for a second biscuit. “One moment I think I’ve got it sussed and want to give things with Max a proper shot, and the next… well. The next I’m royally cocking it up. I’ve probably ruined every chance I had with Max anyway now.”
I couldn’t bring myself to tell them about the rest of it – mentioning my debts was out of the question, as was telling them about Darius’s loan request – I didn’t want them to judge me, and I certainly didn’t want them feeling sorry for me. I’d heard them make jokes about millennials before – about how reliant we are on our phones and how much money we spend on posh coffees and spaghetti squash. Telling them I’d lived beyond my means for so long would only fuel their hypotheses.
“For what it’s worth, I think you should phone Max if you like him. Talk to him. Explain. What’s the worst that could happen?” Jane said before biting into a biscuit. Crumbs landed on her blouse but she was too busy enjoying her treat to be bothered about brushing them off.
“He might not pick up, or worse still, he could answer, hurl abuse at me and then hang up,” I offered, catastrophising events being something of a strength of mine. “I don’t think I can do it.”
“If he’s as nice as you say, I bet he’d understand, but it’s your call,” Kath said. “Sometimes you’ve got to bite the bullet and have the difficult conversation. Maybe he’ll be angry, maybe he’ll be upset. We don’t know. But talking to him is the only way you’re going to get any answers.”
Although I knew she was right, I was scared. That’s why I finished the dregs of tea from my mug, baulking at the soggy biscuit crumbs lingering in the liquid as a result of my biscuit-dunking habit, and rapidly changed the subject back to New York.
“I’ll fill in the holiday form for you now, Marcie. Thanks so much for being so understanding about it.”
“No problem. It sounds like some time away could do you the world of good, and you never take time off. I can’t remember the last time you had a sick day.”
“I’ll work extra fast this week to make up for it, I promise. Starting now.” I pushed back my chair and headed towards my desk.
But despite my promises, I spent the afternoon pretending to be productive, while all the time my heart raced, my stomach churned and my brain came close to exploding. My workmates might be on my side, but I still had some important decisions to make.
Chapter 23
It was an early start. Closer to the middle of the night than to the dawn, so maybe it wasn’t early at all, just really, really late. Early, late, whatever – the only thing keeping my weary eyes open was the double shot of espresso in my takeout Starbucks.
“I’m so excited,” Tawna buzzed, not looking anywhere near as tired as I felt. Her make-up had been freshly applied for the flight, whereas if the previous day’s mascara had managed to cling on to my eyelashes it’d be a miracle. “One final fling before the big day,” she added, in a slightly wistful tone.
Eve smiled. “We’re going to have a great time. I can’t wait to touch down now.”
We hadn’t even boarded.
“We’ve got hours trapped on a plane before we get to New York,” I complained. “Popping ears and crap films on the inflight entertainment system. And I’d put money on me sitting next to someone who either man-spreads or hasn’t used deodorant since the turn of the millennium.”
“Don’t be grumpy, Soph,” Tawna pleaded. “This is supposed to be fun. All I want is to let my hair down and relax with my girls.”
“In New York.” My voice dripped with sarcasm, all the things I’d hurriedly sold to pay for this jaunt looming in the forefront of my mind.
“For crying out loud, just eat something already.” Eve shoved a cereal bar at me, which I initially turned my nose up at before realising it had chocolate chips in it. After that I tore the wrapper off like a woman possessed. “You’re always like this when you’re tired and hungry.”
Eve knows me well. I’m like a baby – without enough food or sleep I’m a nightmare to be around, which means middle-of-the-night departures are never going to be a laugh a minute for my travelling companions.
Adding to my grumpiness was the fact I’d still not made a decision about whether or not to give Darius the money, plus I’d wimped out of calling Max. I wanted to so badly, but I was petrified he’d slam the phone down on me. Instead I ended up continually checking my phone to see if he’d rung. But there was nothing. Nada. Zip.
That’s why I, along with a group of other haggard-looking travellers who were surely also wondering why they’d put themselves through the torture of a flight at an inhuman hour, wasn’t the cheeriest person on the planet as we sat in the departure lounge.
“Sorry.” One bite of the cereal bar had given me enough of a jolt to remind me of my basic manners. “I’ll sleep on the plane. I won’t be this miserable in America, I promise.”
“You’d better not be,” Eve retorted, throwing me a warning look. “Just forget about your love life for a few days.”
“What have I missed?” Tawna unscrewed the cap from her bottle of water and took a sip. “I feel so out of the loop. I know you and Darius were getting it on last weekend.”
“Max saw Sophie kissing Darius at the festival,” Eve explained.
“No! What did he say?”
“That’s just it, he hasn’t said anything. Sophie’s too nervous of how he’ll react to try to contact him and he’s not phoned her either.”
“Maybe that proves he’s not that interested.” Tawna’s shrug of indifference annoyed me, but her words hurt me most. Max gets plenty of offers, if what the girl in the charity shop said was right, so why would he want to get involved with someone who kisses their ex right under his nose? I checked my phone again. Zilch.
I took another bite of the cereal bar.
“I know I wasn’t the most encouraging person when you first told me about Max,” Tawna draped an arm around my shoulder, “but I want you to be happy, Soph. I saw your face just now. You miss him, I can tell.”
“Yeah,” I replied sadly, through a mouthful of cereal bar. “He listened to me. I really thought we might have had something meaningful, but then I went and threw it all away. If only I could be more like Kath. She doesn’t get attached too quickly.”
I swiftly segued into telling them about her latest conquest, someone she’d met on a dating app who she’d therefore assumed to be footloose and fancy free. When they’d met in person it had transpired that he was married and looking for someone who’d be willing to join him and his wife in the bedroom.
“Surely she didn’t go through with it.” Eve’s face was a picture – a pale ashen picture. “I’d run a mile if someone said that to me the first time I met them.”
“She did. She’s seeing them again too.”
“Marriage should be sacred.” Tawna tutted disapprovingly. “If Johnny suggested a threesome I’d tell him where to shove it.”
“If he was after a threesome, he might enjoy that.”
We almost missed the announcement booming out of the tannoy informing us our departure gate had opened and our flight was ready to begin boarding because we were giggling so much.
Like fools we hurried to the gate, unable to stop our faces from breaking into stupid grins as the flight attendant checked our boarding passes and passports and allowed us to board the 787 Dreamliner. I switched my phone to flight mode, which was one way of stopping me checking it. After selling so many of my favourite outfits to pay for the trip (my poor wardrobe looking exceptionally sparse as a result), I couldn’t waste it dwelling on Darius or being miserable over Max.
“We’re officially on our way now,” Eve announced as she stuffed her rucksack into the overhead locker. “Everyone knows that the moment you get on the plane is when the holiday properly starts.”
I settled into my seat. The heavy metal ends of the seat bel
t fastened together with a satisfying clunk and I let out a sigh of relief at the lack of man-spreading stinkers and allowed myself to rest my eyes.
When I reopened them we were on the approach to JFK. I’d managed to sleep for the whole flight.
The hotel was right in the heart of Times Square. Neon lights flashed through the window of our room and every time the scene on the giant billboards changed so did the colour of the room. It was like being inside a disco ball and that, combined with my mammoth sleep, left me raring to get out there amongst the people, the noise, the life.
The circus-like atmosphere wrapped around us as we stepped onto the street; people staring, awestruck, at the lights flashing overhead.
Nothing could have prepared us for being here, despite its familiarity from being in so many films. The reality was different. Times Square equated to sensory overload. The deafening honk of car horns, the waft of hot dogs tiptoeing on the heavy, humid air, the shoulder-barges of tourists with a hideous lack of manners and no concept of personal space… It was amazing. There really was no place else like it on earth.
“Let’s get a selfie,” Tawna suggested, holding her phone out at arm’s length in preparation. Eve and I obediently squashed our smiling faces against hers as she pressed the small round button to capture the moment. The picture looking back at us showed three tired but happy friends. “Thanks for coming, ladies. This is going to be the best hen do ever!”
Tawna wrapped an arm around Eve and me, and as we walked downtown towards the majestic Empire State building, it truly felt like the three of us were taking on the world, and our togetherness was so present – so vital – that I’d back us in that dual.
We were surprised to find a non-existent queue when we arrived at the landmark.
Eve frowned. “Is it closed?”
“The guidebook says it’s open every day.” Tawna shrugged, eyeing a suited man carrying a briefcase striding out of the doors. Seeing him reminded me that the building was more than a world-famous tourist attraction, it was also a working office block.
