And the cooing of the dove,
At the House of Marcus Lycus, Prince of Love.
(Speaks, as a very tall girl enters)
And now — Gymnasia! A stadium of delight. A province of mystery. A challenge to the intrepid explorer.
(Sings)
Expansive, explosive, exquisite and excruciating,
Exceeding exciting, exhausting but exhilarating . . .
Wait until the day she’s fully grown —
She’ll be useful on safari.
You could purchase her for shade alone
And never be sorry.
(Speaks)
What’s that you say? “Hold! Enough! I am dazzled!” And to that I say, but wait . . .
(As twins enter)
May I present the Geminae. A matched pair. Either one a divinely assembled woman, together an infinite number of mathematical possibilities.
(Sings)
A banquet, a bargain, placed end to end.
A lifetime’s provisions — invite a friend.
Feast until you’re fully satisfied,
Gorge on gorgeousness compounded.
Face the future side by side by side,
Completely surrounded ...
PSEUDOLUS:
LYCUS: Completely . . .
No taxes . . .
A lifetime’s . . .
Don’t handle ... GIRLS:
Unblemished . . . You can feast until you’re satisfied
One birthmark . . . A banquet . . . At the House of Marcus Lycus.
A bargain . . . Exhausting . . . Face the future side by side by side
Don’t do that! A lifetime’s . . . At the House of
Marcus Lycus.
For a sense of
sensuality
And a plethora
thereof...
LYCUS:
One is ecstasy,
One is mystery,
One is six foot three,
Two is company —
At the House of Marcus Lycus,
Merchant of Love!
(Speaks)
And need I add, as all who are of the House of Lycus, these beauties are well-versed in the arts, proficient at needlework and surprised at nothing.
“Your Eyes Are Blue”
This song was written for Hero and Philia when they first meet in Act I. We used it during the New Haven tryout, but cut it when our two young leading players, Pat Fox and Karen Black, were replaced by Brian Davies and Preshy Marker.
HERO:
Once upon a time
It happened there lived a boy
Who loved a girl . . .
Your eyes are blue . . .
And every single night
He’d see her across the way.
I’d want to say —
He’d want to say,
“Your eyes are blue
And I love you.”
But never had they spoken,
Never had he dared.
Beautiful as she was,
I was —
He was
Scared.
Then suddenly one day
He met her, and he could see
Her eyes were blue
As they could be.
What did he do?
Well...
You tell me.
Once upon a time —
PHILIA:
Let me try —
“There lived a boy . . . ”
HERO:
“Who loved a girl . . . ”
PHILIA:
“Whose eyes were —
Blue!”
And every single night
She’d see him across the way.
She hoped he’d say,
“Your eyes are blue
And I love you!”
And yet she knew . . .
There was a wall between them
Built around his heart.
This was their dilemma,
Keeping them apart,
When suddenly one day
She met him ...
He looked so tall . . .
HERO:
He felt so small . . .
PHILIA:
What did he do
To break the wall?
HERO:
What could he do
To break the wall?
(They kiss)
BOTH:
And that was All.
“I Do Like You”
This number was to be sung by Hysterium and Pseudolus in Act I just before Hysterium goes off to the country to snitch on Pseudolus. It never got beyond the early stages of rehearsals for reasons too dimly buried for me to remember. It was replaced by Pseudolus’s “erotic pottery” speech.
PSEUDOLUS:
Friend, HYSTERIUM:
Oh, today it’s
Good “Friend” . . .
Friend and true, Yes,
It’s always
I worship “Friend” ...
You.
When you need a
I Friend.
Want to do,
Want to be
Like my
Friend. “Friend, friend, friend, friend,
Do Friend” . . .
What you must. That’s
What I in-
I’m Tend . . .
Happy just Well, goodbye, old
Being Friend ...
A copy of the one I
Trust.
PSEUDOLUS:
I like to do like you like to do,
’Cause I like you . . .
HYSTERIUM:
Oh, Pseudolus!
PSEUDOLUS:
You do a deed,
I follow your lead,
’Cause I like you.
HYSTERIUM:
Oh, Pseudolus!
PSEUDOLUS:
You climb a tree,
I climb with you.
You give a smile,
I smile.
You take a journey,
I’m with you!
Whatever you’ll do,
I’ll.
No one is perfect,
You have your flaws,
But I don’t care.
I have the flaws
That you have because
I want to share.
You’re all the things
I most admire,
All I aspire
To.
I do like you
Because I do like you.
HYSTERIUM:
PSEUDOLUS: Friend,
And the best you
Have . . . You’ve touched me
Yes, So.
I thought I
Would . . . I didn’t
No, you never Know
Do ... Such deep devotion
Existed and
Deeper than you Friend,
Think . . . I’d rather
You don’t have to Die
Die . . . Than say good-Bye.
I know how you
Feel . . . Friend, just as
Soon as I get back I’ll cry.
PSEUDOLUS:
I like to do like you like to do,
That’s how I feel.
You ruin me, and I ruin you,
You’re my ideal.
We each have had a fling
Or two
Nobody knows but we.
You tell a little thing
Or two,
I tell a thing or three.
You keep a secret, I keep a secret
Like I should.
You tell a secret, I tell a secret
Twice as good.
Since you’re the model I take after
That’s what I’d have to do.
I have to do like you like,
Only because I do like
You.
PSEUDOLUS and HYSTERIUM:
Reciprocation in the end
Is why a friend
Is true.
How could I ever doubt you?
Knowing so much about you.
I do li
ke you
And still I do like you.
“There’s Something About a War”
This never even got into rehearsal. Burt felt that there should be no political or satirical edge to any of the songs, since the show was to be strictly a domestic farce and not a commentary. It was replaced by “Bring Me My Bride” (which, incidentally, used the only line in the show directly translated from Plautus: “I am a parade”).
MILES (Entering, with the PROTEANS dressed as SOLDIERS):
Stand aside there, I take large steps!
SOLDIERS:
One-two, one-two!
MILES:
We not only fought but we won, too!
SOLDIERS:
One-two, one-two!
Left-right, left-right!
MILES:
There’s none of the enemy left, right?
SOLDIERS (Confused):
Right! Left-right, left-left-uh-right!
MILES:
Halt!
(Front)
I don’t know how to say it,
But there’s something about a war.
Mere words cannot convey it,
But there’s something about a war.
It’s noisy and it’s crowded and you have to stand in line,
But there’s something about a war
That’s divine!
You march until you’re bleary,
But there’s something about a war.
The company is dreary,
But there’s something about a war.
Your fingernails get broken and the food is often vile,
But there’s something about a war
Makes you smile.
The rain may rust your armor,
Your straps may be too tight,
But decapitate a farmer
And your heart feels light!
There’s something about a war,
Something about a war,
Something about a war
That makes this little old world all right.
MILES and SOLDIERS (Variously):
Oh, it’s tread, tread, tread
Through the mud, mud, mud
And it’s shed, shed, shed
All the blood, blood — yich!
MILES, then SOLDIERS:
There’s something about a war.
MILES and SOLDIERS (variously):
Oh, it’s plunge, plunge, plunge
Through the dust, dust, dust
And it’s lunge, lunge, lunge
And it’s thrust, thrust — oooh!
MILES, then SOLDIERS:
There’s something about a war.
ALL:
You know it isn’t massacres and laughter all day long,
Still there’s something about a war —
A SOLDIER:
Like a song!
MILES:
A warrior’s work is never done,
He never can take a rest.
There always are lands to overrun
And people to be oppressed.
SOLDIERS (Variously):
There’s always a town to pillage,
A city to be laid to waste.
There’s always a little village
Entirely to be erased.
And citadels to sack, of course,
And temples to attack, of course,
Children to annihilate,
Priestesses to violate,
Houses to destroy — hey!
Women to enjoy — hey!
Statues to deface — hey!
Mothers to debase — hey!
Virgins to assault — hey!
MILES:
Halt — hey!
(Front)
It’s hurry, hurry, hurry,
But there’s something about a war.
It’s worry after worry,
But there’s something about a war.
It isn’t all the drama and heroics it may seem —
ALL:
But there’s something about a war
That’s a scream!
MILFS:
There’s never time for reading,
Yet there’s something about a war.
The elephants keep breeding,
But there’s something about a war.
You frequently feel lonely when the enemy has gone,
Still there’s something about a war
That goes on!
ALL:
And on! And on!
MILES:
You sulk when someone’s suing
For temporary truce,
Then another war starts brewing
And soon breaks loose!
ALL:
There’s something about a war,
MILES, then SOLDIERS:
Something about a war —
MILES:
It isn’t just the glory or
The groaning or the gorier
Details that cause a warrior
To smirk.
SOLDIERS:
Left-right!
ALL:
It’s the knowledge that he’ll never be out of work!
“Echo Song”
“Echo Song” was cut in New Haven during the tryout because the whole show wasn’t working properly and this number (among many others) didn’t make enough impact on the audience. It was replaced by “That’ll Show Him, ”which was transferred from Act I to Act II. Burt Shevelove and I decided to resuscitate “Echo Song” for the 1971 revival, where once again it didn’t work. It did seem, however, to be more effective than “That’ll Show Him” if for no other reason than that it offered some funny staging opportunities.
Cue into “Echo Song” (replacing the one into “That’ll Show Him”):
HERO: I hate him.
PHILIA: So do I.
HERO: What shall we do?
PHILIA: If you ask the Gods for guidance, they sometimes answer you by echoing your words.
HERO: Echoing your words?
PHILIA: Instead of those other things. Like thunder.
(Music under)
HERO (Looking at the roof, getting an idea): Perhaps if you were alone the Gods would listen more closely.
PHILIA: Perhaps. I shall pray.
(As she starts to sing, facing front, HERO clambers to the roof to answer her hollowly as a god)
Tell me . . .
Dare I ask it? ...
Should I love him? ...
Shall I leave with him? ...
Tell me . . .
Should I leave right now? ...
I hear my heart say,
“Let him live with me!”
Should I hear my heart and go?
(Turns away discouraged, tries again)
Tell me . . . HERO (Sings):
(Tell me . . . )
Dare I ask it? ...
(Ask it.)
Should I love him? ...
(Love him!)
Shall I leave with him? ...
(Leave with him, leave with him!)
Tell me . . .
(Tell me . . . )
Should I leave right now? ...
(Right now!)
I hear my heart say,
“Let him live with me!”
(Live with me, live with me!)
Should I hear my heart and go?
(Go! Go!)
Or should I, worthy, wait here
Till I meet my fate here?
Tell me, tell me, I must know.
(No, no, no . . . )
Tell me . . .
(Tell me . . . )
Should I hold him? ...
(Hold him!)
Or forget him
(Get him!)
And forego my love?
(Go, my love! Go, my love!)
Thank you!
I believe, now! (Thank you!)
(Leave now!)
I must hurry,
(Hurry!)
So I’ll say goodbye.
(Say goodbye, say goodbye!)
Only one more question, please —
/> (Please! Please! Please!)
Does he want me?
(Does he!)
Would he miss me?
(Would he!)
Must I pay the debt I owe?
(Oh ... Oh . . . )
Or may I go with Hero,
My beloved Hero?
Tell me yes, so I may know.
(Ye — N — Y - N - Yes!)
(At the end of the song, PHILIA realizes that it is HERO she has been Listening to, and looks up to see him)
PHILIA: Oh, Hero, you have enraged the Gods!
HERO (Jumping down): I don’t care!
PHILIA: But they will strike you down.
HERO: Oh, let them. I would die for love of you!
PHILIA: You would die for me?
HERO: Die dead.
PHILIA: Oh, Hero, if you could get the contract from the Captain, I would go with you.
HERO: Dare I dare believe what you are saying?
PHILIA: You dare dare.
(PSEUDOLUS enters from LYCUS’s house)
“The Gaggle of Geese”
This song never got into rehearsal. It was cut because the situation that gave rise to it was cut when we were shortening the script. The situation: Pseudolus, for reasons too complicated to explain here, had drunk a knock-out potion and was lying unconscious in front of Erronius’s house, wearing the ring with the gaggle of geese. While Hysterium is trying desperately to bring him back to life, Erronius stumbles on, trips over the body, sees the ring and assumes that Pseudolus is his long-lost son, stolen in infancy by pirates.
ERRONIUS (Suddenly emits a series of inarticulate cries, to music): Eeeeh! Aaaahh!
(HYSTERIUM reacts; ERRONIUS staggers)
Aaahh! Eeeeh!
HYSTERIUM (ad lib): What’s the matter?
ERRONIUS:
Aahh . . . eeehh ... aahh . . . eeehh . . . eeehh . . . aahh ...
The ring! The ring!
HYSTERIUM: What ring?
ERRONIUS:
He’s wearing the ring!
The ring with the gaggle of geese!
HYSTERIUM: Gaggle of what?
ERRONIUS:
It’s proof! You see?
There only are three!
Four by Sondheim Page 10
