Crashing Souls

by Cynthia A. Rodriguez

She looked up at the ceiling, as if in thought. “You were this guy who noticed everything and nothing. Your head was in the clouds most days, but you were—are—so smart. You were the prince to my peasant. Before today, you never even looked at me, something that I dreamed would change.” She smiled to herself. I wanted her smile to be aimed at me, to shine under the radiance of it. “I think that was what made you such a big deal. No one mattered. Not even Becca. You were content to be alone, never needing the compliment of a beautiful companion. That’s why you are so beloved. Because you belong to yourself only.” Her smile never wavered.

  I wanted to belong to her. And I wanted her to want me to belong to her.

  “Are you actually happy to be here, Noa?” I asked in a teasing tone, hoping to hear that she was. And God knew I wanted to get the subject off of Becca or any other woman for that matter.

  “I don’t know yet. Ask me again in a few years.” We were interrupted by the waitress setting down our food. Noa dug in almost immediately, groaning with appreciation.

  “Good?” I asked, watching her, not even touching my own plate.

  “Like heaven,” she said, placing her napkin against her mouth so I wasn’t faced with a mouthful of food. She chewed and swallowed and spoke again. “Sorry. This is my favorite place.” She narrowed her eyes. “You didn’t know that, did you?”

  I shook my head. I wanted to touch her hair, run my fingers through it, and hold it against the light to see how pigmented it was. I’d be wrapped up in the blue silk of it forever.

  “Aren’t you going to eat?” she asked, pulling me from my thoughts.

  I shrugged. “I’m actually not that hungry. So, why in a few years?” I leaned back, content to watch her. It didn’t seem to bother her.

  “Pardon me?” She took another bite.

  “Why ask you again in a few years?” I sipped my drink.

  “Haven’t you heard? Hindsight is 20/20. And besides, I don’t know that I’ll ever even see you again. Maybe you’re satisfying some morbid curiosity. Maybe you’re slumming, looking to see how the other side lives.” She shrugged. “The movies show us happy endings and that someone like me can end up with someone like you, but let’s be honest. I am no Becca Hamilton.”

  I had to chuckle, a move that surprised her.

  “I was hoping you’d see me every day this week. If you don’t ever want to see me again, I’d walk away,” lie, “but that’d be your choice.” I couldn’t tell her the Grim Reaper had spared me and sent me back to find her. And that, quite possibly, the soul that belonged with mine was somehow implanted in her. I hadn’t figured out the logistics of it yet.

  I reached up and pinched a portion of the blue strands between my thumb and forefinger and rolled the silkiness of it against my fingertips, only because I couldn’t help myself. “And you being nothing like Becca Hamilton is the greatest compliment you could ever be paid.”

  She blinked a few times, and the rise and fall of her chest was the only other move her body made. I dropped my hand, worried I’d offended her.

  “Sorry,” I said, focusing on the plate in front of me.

  “You should be,” she said, snatching her belongings together.

  “Hold on, what’s the problem?” I asked, rising when she did.

  “If you’re looking to get laid, I can give you the names of millions of other girls who’d love to be another conquest of yours. Fortunately for me, I am not one of them.” She stepped away from the table and before I could think, I grabbed her arm. She looked down at the contact. Even though the fabric of her sweater was between my hand and her skin, I could feel her warmth. I hadn’t imagined the shock that owned us. It lived deep down, so small it could go unnoticed. The more time I spent around her, the more I felt it. Regardless, it was there, causing my stomach to flip of its own accord.

  “Please don’t go,” I begged. “I didn’t mean to offend you. I have no intention of sleeping with you.” Her eyebrow rose, and I couldn’t help but let out a stream of curse words. “Shit, I’m getting this all wrong. Yes, I find you attractive and maybe down the road somewhere… who knows? But I don’t look at you as something to be won and then tossed aside. Maybe won over and over again…but never tossed aside.”

  She lowered her arms, and my hand trailed down her sleeve until I was holding hers. Palm to palm.

  “I don’t even know you, Dexter,” she whispered, her eyes on mine.

  “Finally,” I said with a grin, “something we have in common.”

  Chapter 10

  My phone’s screen lit up as I lay there in my bed, my mind working itself over too many times for me to fall asleep. I unlocked the screen and read the text.

  Sleeping?

  I couldn’t keep the smile from spreading across my face if I tried. I envisioned all of that light blue silk spread across my pillow. I knew if I ever slept beside her for a night, I’d be wrecked.

  No. Can’t.

  My fingers itched to explain myself but I thought better of it. I glanced out of the window, seeing the stars twinkle from my spot in bed. I had it bad. Who stared at stars when they could be sleeping?

  I wish I could look inside your head, she sent, followed by, I wouldn’t want to read your mind. I’d want to feel what you were feeling. You intrigue me.

  I didn’t want to read into what she was saying. But I knew she was going to have a hard time trusting me. She almost walked out on me earlier because I touched her hair. And reading her text, I was more bothered by what she wasn’t saying than what she actually was saying.

  You could just ask, I typed. I hit send before I could wimp out.

  This response took longer than the others, and I wondered if she’d fallen asleep or had actually taken the time to think about what exactly she wanted to say. Hopeful, sure. But when I read the words on the bright screen, my heart fluttered a little. Weird sensation. Heart palpitations.

  I’d rather you show me. Night, Dexter.

  I mustered up the self-control to simply text her goodnight in response and turned off my phone. I had to take it slow. I turned onto my back, tucking my hand under my head. But damn it, Noa made a guy want to prove her wrong.

  •••

  You’ve found her. But the journey is not yet complete.

  I woke up early, despite my late night, used to the words that echoed in my head. I sat up and scrubbed my hands over my face. I wanted to be thinking clearly. I was preparing an ambush. A polite, slow ambush, but an ambush nonetheless. I went down to the kitchen and grabbed a bowl of cereal, eating it while leaning against the counter. What would someone like her want from me?

  I was still lost in thought when Tracey walked in.

  “You’re up early. What gives?” She reached for her usual mug, starting the coffee machine without looking at most of the tasks she was doing to prepare it. Like a true coffee drinker.

  I shrugged, chewing. When I swallowed, I faced her head on. “Just realizing how little I know about what women want.”

  She chuckled. “Nothing will change that. I have a theory, though.” She continued through her morning kitchen tasks, pulling out a carton of eggs. “You aren’t meant to know what women want. You’re only meant to know what your woman would want.” She winked at me.

  “Yeah, well, still lost on that.”

  “She’s probably too young to even really have an idea of what she wants. If she’s your age, absolutely. Trust me, it evolves. Almost daily. Sometimes hourly.”

  “Right person, wrong time,” I muttered, placing my empty cereal bowl in the sink.

  “You’ll never know until you try,” she called out as I headed to my room.

  She was wrong. I already knew.

  •••

  I walked into school with Ralph by my side, scanning the halls for a head of hair the color of a clear summer sky. When I didn’t see her, I wanted to frown but stopped myself. Ralph would never let it go if he found out how bad I had it for Noa.

  “You’re looking for her, a
ren’t you, man?”

  I groaned. “I wasn’t trying to be obvious. And this topic, this whole thing, is not up for discussion. Unless…” I looked him in the eye, “we can be adults about it. I don’t want you mocking me, however funny the insults may be.”

  Ralph stopped walking and looked at me with a serious face. I felt hopeful.

  “Fuck, dude. You need to get laid.”

  And then no hope at all. I laughed it off and tucked away thoughts of Noa as we entered the classroom and headed to our usual two seats.

  Midway through the lesson, Ralph slipped a folded piece of paper onto my desk. I looked at him, wondering what he was doing. He urged me to open it.

  When I saw the comical genitalia he’d so kindly drawn me, I choked out a laugh before quickly rolling the paper into a ball and stuffing it in my pocket. I coughed to hide my humor.

  “Why are you so annoying?” I asked as soon as the bell rang.

  “Because you looked like a man who needed a laugh, sitting there thinking about a girl who probably doesn’t even remember you. Harsh but, more than likely, reality.”

  “Right,” I said with a chuckle.

  “Actually, what the hell am I talking about? She’s probably already picked out baby names.” He flicked my hair, and we separated for our next classes.

  All through English, with Mouse now sitting across the room from me, I thought of ways to see Noa again. It had taken weeks for me to bump into her. She made it sound as though she didn’t really run in the usual social circles. She was her own circle.

  But when I said goodbye to her last night, I couldn’t help feeling like I hadn’t learned enough about her.

  Today, I had to rely on technology.

  Where are you?

  It was to the point. I made sure my phone was silent and waited for her response. I missed all of what was being taught after sending that text. When I looked down at my phone, I noticed a message from her.

  It’s too soon to claim infatuation, Dexter. I’ll be in the art room next. 242 ☺

  I had study hall next period. It looked like I’d be learning about art.

  See you there, I sent, tapping my foot. The bell rang and I grabbed my books. I walked slowly, reading the numbers before stopping at 242. No one was inside. I pulled out my phone to make sure I’d read correctly.

  “You’re at the right place.” I turned and watched her as she walked up. She didn’t stop, just kept walking right into the classroom, leaving me standing there alone, grinning.

  “No teacher?” I sat on one of the tables, looking around. There were paint marks all over each surface, and it wasn’t set up like a traditional classroom. Everything had a place but it was colorful and creative, as opposed to the rooms I spent my school hours sitting in.

  “She comes in and out. I was given study hall too, but I worked something out with her.” She was setting up an easel and gathering paints and brushes. I watched her move with ease. Like a chef in a kitchen, Noa was home.

  “So, this is what you love,” I said, nodding in understanding. She looked over at me with a smile.

  “So much I feel sick without it. Do you feel that way about programming?” She’d placed a blank canvas on the easel and was eyeing it, preparing to create.

  “Not really. I feel like it’s a comfort. A direction. But if I didn’t do it, I’d probably lose my mind in a different way. I crave direction. I can’t function without it.”

  “Amnesia must’ve been hard for you at first, then,” she whispered as she slipped into her own world.

  I ran my hand across the back of my neck. Amnesia. I wanted to say what my affliction really was. But I knew I couldn’t. Not yet, if at all.

  She didn’t say anything else, and I was content with the silence. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and played soothing music, low enough for only us to hear. I didn’t know what to expect. But as Noa brought brush to canvas over and over, sometimes different colors, sometimes the same, I was in awe of her. She’d stepped back a few times, as if changing the focus from the one spot she’d worked on to the entire image. I didn’t think she remembered that I was still here.

  She leaned more toward cool colors. When she brought a splash of brightness to the painting, I was more than surprised. In my mind, the darker colors represented Noa. And that small splash of brightness, it was hope. It gave me hope that she knew light when she saw it and that she’d follow it through the darkness to me.

  “I kind of like that you’re here. It’s strange, but it gives me a charge.” She started cleaning up, picking up brushes and putting the paint away. She turned to look at me, and I noticed she’d gotten paint on her face. I slipped off the table and walked up to her, wiping it off. I brought my hand down to rest my thumb on her cheek, my fingers curling under her chin.

  There’s always that moment when you realize just how close you’re standing to someone. That was my moment. I was breathing her air.

  I leaned in closer to her, feeling like I was being pulled toward her. So close. So damn close.

  “Don’t you kiss me, Dexter,” she said, placing her hand on my chest. “Don’t ruin me for anyone else if you aren’t going to stick around.”

  “You think you haven’t already ruined me?” I asked, playing with the ends of her hair. I didn’t want to betray the fact that my heart was beating erratically in my ribcage.

  She stepped back, out of my reach. “You said I was someone to be won over and over. Win me, please.” She walked away and out of the room before I could tell her I would. I had no idea how, but I would.

  As the bell rang, I grabbed my books and headed to my locker, dropping them off and heading into the brightly colored cafeteria. While bright blue lockers assaulted my vision in the halls, it was red and yellow in the cafeteria. They’d tried to make the place look cheerful, but this was the first time I’d paid attention to the décor. And once I saw what beauty Noa could create in just an hour, all else seemed dull in comparison. I went through the line, carrying my tray out and walking toward my usual table. Ralph looked up and waved me over.

  I caught sight of Noa in the back corner, sitting with an open book in front of her. There were a few people at the end of her table, but I knew none of them were there for her. She wasn’t there for them either. I walked up to Ralph. I hadn’t picked where Ralph and I sat, amongst the more popular students. It had been Dex’s usual seat so I went along with it, not bothered by it.

  “I’m gonna go sit with Noa today,” I told him. He looked back at where she was seated and shrugged.

  “Go for it.”

  I headed over slowly, feeling eyes on me. When I stopped in front of Noa, it took her a few moments to look up. When she did, she laughed. I sat down across from her with a grin so wide my cheeks started to hurt. The other people at her table gave us their rapt attention.

  “Aren’t you persistent?” She folded the corner of the page she’d been on and closed the book before taking a bite of her apple.

  “You threw down the gauntlet, Blue. You can’t get upset when I rise to the occasion.” I picked up my pizza and watched her smile bloom.

  “Blue?” She threw her head back and laughed again, this time open and honest. “I like it.”

  Noa knew how to laugh. She didn’t laugh often, but when she did, it took over her whole body. Rather, she gave her body over to her humor and delight. It made me want to laugh with her.

  “What are you reading?” I slid the book toward me. “Anna Karenina. Sounds heavy.” Judging by the worn cover, it wasn’t her first time reading it.

  “Each time I read it, I get something different. I’m not averse to reading the same book more than once, more than twice. There are details we miss each time. Self-discovery, adultery, women’s rights, those themes jump out at you the first go round. The second time, I was focused on forgiveness.” She rolled her apple in her hands.

  “And this time?” I asked before taking another bite of my pizza.

  “I think I�
��m just overwhelmed by Anna’s sadness. And her escape by suicide. Death is brought up quite a few times. It…fascinates me.”

  She said it so matter-of-factly. I had a thought.

  “Have you ever almost died?” It made sense. If she had, the soul of the one I loved would’ve been placed inside her and…it would have to have been the same day I came back. That recent. Maybe it added to my not seeing her until I’d been back a few weeks.

  She cleared her throat and shook her head. I immediately knew she was lying, but I didn’t push her. I had to believe she’d trust me enough to tell me one day.

  “I did. Well, I died and came back.” I drank some water, watching her expression change.

  “What was it like?”

  “I don’t think I can explain it. I don’t remember much other than the waking up part, knowing I’d been somewhere else. Somewhere that usually didn’t send people back.” She lied to me and I lied to her. I couldn’t tell her what I remembered, and she wouldn’t tell me what happened to her.

  She nodded, her lips parted. She snapped out of her momentary trance and gathered her things. I walked with her, ignoring the eyes still on us. We threw our trash away, and she was about to walk away when I called her name.

  “Yeah?” She was clearly not comfortable with people staring at her.

  “What are you doing later?”

  “Sorry, busy. Volunteering at the hospital.”

  “What time?” Persistent was my middle name. As if she read my thoughts, she grinned.

  “Four,” she answered before turning away.

  “I’ll see you there,” I said to myself.

  Chapter 11

  “You’re volunteering at the hospital?” Tracey wasn’t convinced I’d come up with this on my own, despite my casually bringing it up. If I thought she’d take it easily, the way one might say they were going to get gas, I thought wrong.

  “Yes. And, yes, my homework is done. I did it as soon as I got home.” I sat across from her at the kitchen island.

  “This wasn’t Ralph’s idea, was it?”

  “You’re not giving him enough credit, Tracey,” I said with a chuckle. “But, sadly, no. It was Noa’s.”