“You listen. Take me home. Take me home right now.” She sobbed out a breath. “I don’t know why I even came here. I don’t belong here.” She was wiping the lipstick off of her lips, and I understood just how quickly this night went to shit.
I shook my head. “I need to know why you’re so upset. Help me understand.”
“You’re a pig! Just like I thought you’d be. This is some fucking joke to you! And I let you get in my head; I let you in more than anyone ever. I’m in a downward spiral, Dexter. I don’t expect you to understand.”
“Maybe because you haven’t let me in at all,” I yelled in frustration. I instantly regretted it. “Noa, come on. You call this letting me in?”
She shoved past me and walked out, pushing into people to get away from me. I caught up to her on the front lawn.
“Stay, please. Talk to me,” I pleaded, walking beside her.
“I can’t be here.” She wiped at her tears again and it broke me.
“I don’t want to push you but—”
“Then don’t!” she screamed and whirled around running back inside. I hadn’t known what to expect when I caught up with her again but it certainly wasn’t the sight of her downing vodka. She set the bottle down and saw me standing there, shocked. She spread her arms, welcoming my confused stare. “See? Imperfections.”
She took more shots, and when I thought she’d had enough, she kept going. I figured she’d get up and dance like the other drunk people, but I began to understand that she was a sad drunk. She stumbled along, swaying to the music, slurring, and shooting me looks that made me want to shake her and beg her to talk to me. At some point in the night, she was too drunk to function. It had taken quite a lot of alcohol to get her to that point, which confused me. And that was when I realized I was only beginning to learn who Noa was.
Chapter 12
It isn’t going to be easy. Love worth keeping hardly ever is.
I groaned as the sun streamed through the blinds I’d forgotten to close last night. I sat up and blinked, feeling disoriented. I was lying on the couch in my room. Immediately, my eyes went to my bed, where I’d tucked Noa in last night. The bed had been made, and there was no sign of her. Except that I could smell her everywhere. I never thought I could relate a color to a scent, but Noa smelled like the color blue. Like slow summer rain and lavender fields.
Where’d she go? I got up, opened the door to my room and walked as quickly as I could down the stairs.
“Where are you going?” I asked as I saw her opening the front door. “You’re just going to sneak off?” I walked over to her and pushed the door shut, leaning against it.
She looked defeated. Her hair was down and her eyes were tired.
“What is there to talk about Dexter? I was a wreck last night. I feel like I’m going backwards with you, and I can’t afford to do that.” Her lips trembled, but she kept her face straight.
“See, that’s what I’m talking about. You’re speaking in riddles, Noa. You say you’ve let me in, but I don’t feel like you have. You ask me questions, you get honest-to-goodness answers. I ask you questions—very rarely—and you either lie or you tell some warped version of the truth. I’m…” I tugged at my hair. “I’m like a starving man, and you’re feeding me fucking breadcrumbs.”
“Why can’t you leave me alone?” she asked loudly, and I couldn’t help the embarrassed heat that spread across my face. I straightened and moved away from the door, gesturing toward it with an angry flourish.
“You want out, there’s the door.”
Though her eyes filled, she opened the door and stepped out, closing it gently behind her.
I walked up the steps, prepared to go back to sleep and deal with her later. I stopped at the top and turned. Noa would want that. She was looking for a reason to leave, a reason for me to leave. And if I left her now, she’d never let me back in. I ran back down to the front door and yanked it open, jogging after her. I grabbed her arm and spun her so she was facing me.
“Damn it, Blue. Quit pushing me away.” I pulled her into my arms and placed my chin on top of her head. She didn’t fight me, only stood there. Finally, her arms wrapped around my waist. “I’m as scared as you are.”
“Dex, why is the door—oh.” Tracey stood outside the doorway, watching us from a few feet away, her lips in a tight line. “No shoes, huh? You guys should come inside.” She left the door open, subtly letting me know the suggestion wasn’t a suggestion.
I grabbed Noa’s hand, tugging her inside. I could tell she didn’t want to come in. Maybe Tracey made her nervous.
“Come on,” I said, smiling. My feet were freezing.
“She won’t mind?” Noa being timid definitely threw me off.
“Tracey? Not at all. She’d love to meet you.” I closed the door when we came in and headed to the kitchen where I knew Tracey was making her first cup of coffee.
“I didn’t know we were having company. Looks like you guys had a late night. Coffee?” Tracey eyed me with curiosity and when Noa was taking off her coat, mouthed ‘Noa?’ to me. I nodded and smiled when she gave me an energetic thumbs-up.
“Uh, sure. I’d actually love a cup.” Noa settled into a chair.
“A coffee drinker? I love her already, Dex. So, Noa.” She set about pouring three cups and distributing them. “There’s cream and sugar on the table. What are your intentions? You know, with my nephew?” She sipped from her mug with mock innocence and sat on a chair, wiggling until she was comfortable. Noa coughed. I shrunk with embarrassment. I gulped the hot coffee to hide it, burning my mouth in the process.
“To get him running in the opposite direction before it’s too late.” Tracey laughed and I nearly spit out the coffee I was drinking.
“I can tell you that probably won’t happen, Noa. He’s smitten. I can practically see the stars in his eyes.” She winked at me and I groaned.
“I’m only standing right here, Tracey,” I muttered.
“See, but how can I really know that? I’ve known him a few days and have managed to make an ass of myself in that short amount of time. Isn’t it only a matter of time before he sees me for what I really am?”
“And what is that?” Tracey asked simply, looking Noa square in the eyes.
“Beautiful,” I answered softly, looking down at my mug. After a few seconds passed, I looked up and ignored Tracey’s knowing grin. But Noa’s eyes smiled, even though she didn’t allow her lips to.
“It’s too fast. I don’t know him at all. Is it wrong to make him work a little?” Noa asked Tracey. Noa’s eyes never left mine.
“You’re already smarter than I was at your age.” Tracey placed her mug on the counter, prepping for her second round of caffeine. “I was thinking of putting up the tree today. I know it’s late in the game, but I’ve been busy at work and then finishing up my classes whenever I can.”
“Classes?” I asked.
“Gotta stay sharp, young man,” she answered as she tapped her temple. “Let’s get this tree up.”
Tracey wasn’t one of those people who insisted on a real tree, which I kind of liked. I lugged the boxed one up from the basement, and after nearly an hour of putting it together and making sure the boughs were stretched and bent in a realistic manner, she grabbed the boxes of delicate ornaments and lights.
I untangled the strings of lights and made sure the bulbs worked while Tracey got her third cup of coffee in and told us about the guy who’d asked her out. It was more like she was telling Noa and I just hummed along. I looked over at the pair of them, and it dawned on me that maybe Tracey missed female companionship.
When I’d strung the lights on the tree, I stepped back and smiled. I had stirrings of what felt like memories, but the more I clung to them, the quicker they disappeared. I was disappointed. I wanted to know things. But this was my life now, so I had to get used to creating something new with people who’d already created memories with the person I used to be.
Tracey made quick wo
rk of placing the glass bulbs and ornaments on the tree, employing Noa as well. Each time she stepped back from the tree after hanging something, Noa’s eyes lit up brighter than the lights on the tree. They laughed and joked, and I had the best afternoon I could ever remember. The tree was beautiful and Noa was a part of that. Quickly, before she could fight it or realize it, she was becoming a fixture in my life.
When it was time to place the star on top, Tracey handed the ornament to me and I set it on top.
“Ever since you were a little boy, that has always been your thing. Dex puts the star on top of the tree,” she murmured with a sigh, stepping back and blinking rapidly. Not the tears.
“I’m sure you’ve grown tired of Tracey,” I said jokingly to Noa. “Ready for me to bring you home?” She nodded as the lights from the tree bounced off her face.
I told them I was going to shower and I stepped away, heading to my room.
“How did you know my name? I didn’t introduce myself,” Noa asked when she thought I was out of earshot.
“You’re the only person he’s talked about since the accident. Well, except Ralph. I’m sure he’s told you about his amnesia. He was different before. Angry and untouchable. I loved Dexter before it happened. But, and don’t tell him I said this, Dexter now…he’s been touched. He’s been touched by something spectacular. And, I think you have too.”
I stopped at the steps, waiting to hear what Noa responded with.
“Maybe,” she whispered.
•••
I parked in front of the brick apartment building and turned to Noa.
“I never did ask you how you were feeling.”
“About last night? The drinking or the…other stuff?” Her voice was uncertain, despite her usual demanding and quick words when asking a question. She didn’t quite request. She required.
She didn’t want to talk about last night at all.
“Both?” But if I was going to make this work, I was going to have to push her and not run when I found out something unflattering. She was going to have to realize that I wanted to be around simply because I wanted to be around her.
“Do we have to do this?” Her eyes were shut. When she opened them, she glanced out toward her home.
“I wish I could look inside your head. I wouldn’t want to read your mind. I’d want to feel what you were feeling,” I whispered, wishing for it more than anything. Those same words she’d sent me held weight when I said them back. It was unnerving to be feeling what I was feeling alone.
She leaned over and kissed my cheek. When I faced her, she ran her thumb over my cheek, not taking her eyes from mine.
“See you at school, Dexter Andrews.” She shut the door behind her and hopped up the steps, giving me a small wave before entering the building. A few minutes later, there was movement in that room. She removed her coat and stood at the window, watching me watch her. I put the car in drive and pulled off with the image of her calm eyes on my conflicted ones pocketed in the empty slots of my mind. New memories.
Chapter 13
Igave Noa time. I fought with myself each day that passed, to text her or call and ask her to hang out, but I wanted her to have time to herself. I sat with her at lunch and people eventually stopped whispering. She went through books quickly, carrying two or more of them with her each day. After Anna Karenina came some sort of sci-fi thriller trilogy. She read those books quickly and then started a contemporary romance novel, which I was sure had some rather racy words because I’d catch her blush or see her eyes roving all over the pages, as if she were afraid to miss even a moment.
“More dirty books today, Blue?” I asked as I sat across from her, sliding my plate in front of me.
She closed the book quickly and grinned, nodding.
“It amazes me how you can go from genre to genre.” I pushed my food around my plate, not too impressed with the mess of it. She picked up her daily apple and bit into it.
“I’m amazed that you don’t read at all. How’s your computer stuff?”
“My programming classes?” I hadn’t paid as much attention to it as I probably should have. “It’s going well. And painting? How’s…that?”
“Almost finished with my portfolio. I keep second-guessing my work. I think I need a second opinion.” She bit into her apple again and I nodded, taking a bite of the unappetizing substance on my plate.
“Hopefully you find someone.” I was looking at the book she’d been reading when I felt her rap her knuckles against my head.
“Hello. You’re someone.”
“This is true. But I know jack and shit about art, Blue.”
She tilted her head and strands of her hair moved with her. It was getting hard being around her without touching her in some way.
“Does anyone ever really know art?” she asked, as if she were sharing an artist’s secret.
I shrugged. “They sure act like it. I can take a look but all I know—”
“Is what you like?” she finished for me. “That’s all anyone ever knows. What they like.”
“And what do you like?” I pushed my tray off to the side, tired of pretending I was eating.
She tapped her finger with her chin and looked up at the ceiling. She’d braided a piece of her hair, and it was tucked amongst the loose curls. Her face was clean of make-up and her fingernails free of polish. She was all sunshine, and while her clothes were dark sometimes, she wasn’t afraid to wear something bright. Her sweater was pink today and she wore light blue jeans. So much for ‘emo’.
“You,” she said, interrupting me from my observations. “I think I like you. But don’t get comfortable. I’m fickle.”
“I won’t.” I chuckled, and we got up to throw out our food. I walked her to her next class, and when I turned to head to mine, I heard her call my name.
“What’s up?”
“If I invite you to the movies tonight at five, promise not to start carrying my books for me?” She looked up at me expectantly, excited energy making her fidget a little. It was adorable and she had no idea.
“I’ll make no such promise. But I’ll be at your house at four-thirty.” I didn’t care what movie she had in mind. I walked away before she could argue, knowing she would. When I looked back, she was still standing in the doorway. She didn’t bother to look embarrassed that I’d caught her staring. She just smirked and wandered into her classroom.
I ran into my History class just as the bell rang. I spent that hour trying not to give myself a pat on the back. New tactics had given me new knowledge when it came to Noa. If I let her, she’d come to me on her own. I had to be patient, something I wasn’t too good at whenever she was involved.
I wanted to learn more. I wanted that comfortable knowledge. I wanted to know her favorite movie and what made her feel better after a long day. I wanted to know the exact way her hand fit in mine, and while I had an idea, I hadn’t held her hand nearly enough to know for sure. I felt a tickle in the back of my mind, the way I usually did when I was about to bump into a memory that didn’t exist anymore. Except….
I love you….
There it was. Her voice. I didn’t know who she was. But I knew that I’d loved her more than life at one point. And I knew she’d loved me just the same. It strengthened my resolve. I had to show Noa that I was it for her. It didn’t matter how long it took, as long as she never doubted it.
I typed out a text and sent it while the teacher’s back was turned.
Early dinner first?
The bell rang and I gathered my books, heading for her class. I didn’t know why, but something told me to. I knew that I was going crazy, but I kept walking, ignoring everyone. I had to see her.
I was rounding the corner when she came into view. She had her cell phone in her hand and her fingers were typing away. I halted my steps the moment I saw her face. It held the biggest smile I’d ever seen her wear. She tucked her phone away, and I ducked into a classroom as my phone vibrated.
If you were in
side my head, feeling what I feel, you’d know that you are someone I’d bet on winning. Over and over.
I stepped out of the class, making sure she wasn’t around, and walked to mine, feeling better than I had in days. Everything I needed to know was written in that smile.
Ralph was waiting in the seat next to mine, his arm draped over my chair.
“’Sup?” He hunched forward as I sat and tapped his pencil against the desk. “Heard Becca was an asshole Friday night. But, and this bit is interesting, I also heard Noa put up quite the fight. Then proceeded to get obliterated and have a great ass time. I know I’m a week late. Just heard about it.” He continued to tap his pencil. “And while I usually don’t care for gossip, this one concerns two of your ladies. I find it utterly hilarious.” He grinned that idiot-happy little grin that made me want to hit him.
“Becca is not my lady.” I opened my books, baiting him. I loved getting Ralph riled up. Even about something as small as this.
“Well? I was fairly intoxicated myself, so you’ll have to excuse my ignorance on the matter.” His gaze flicked to the doorway.
I watched as Becca walked into the classroom, rolling her eyes in our general direction.
“I guess you’re about to find out.” I stood, knowing I had only a minute or two before the bell rang. “Ladies and gentlemen, there is a matter that should be addressed.” I walked to the front of the room, stopping directly in front of Becca’s desk.
I wasn’t comfortable in the limelight. But I couldn’t let Becca, or anyone for that matter, think that it was okay to treat Noa the way she’d been treated at the party. And it was time I set the record straight about the “audition” fiasco.
“Last Friday, I attended a party. At that party, Becca Hamilton felt it was in her best interest to corner my date and tell her that I’d hosted auditions for…I don’t know, a lay, Ralph? A girlfriend?” Ralph shrugged, his face showing how amusing he thought this display was. “Doesn’t matter.”
Crashing Souls Page 9
