“I want to ask her to be my girlfriend. Do we…do that?” I asked. “Men, I mean. Or this generation. I don’t want to seem too old-fashioned.”
Tracey placed her palm on my cheek.
“Being old-fashioned is a rarity. She’s a lucky girl.”
I couldn’t help my grimace. “But Noa isn’t like that. She’s independent and pushes me away when I open doors for her. I want her to know that she’s, you know, mine. But I don’t want her to laugh at me.” Tracey moved her hand to her lap and pursed her lips.
“I think that’s just her defense mechanism. She’s afraid to let you do those things for her so she doesn’t come to rely on them or rely on you.”
“She’s waiting for me to mess up. It’s kind of frustrating.” I got up and walked to my dresser, pulling clothes out for tonight. “What can I do to change that?”
She shrugged. “You can stay. I know that you have feelings for one another. But some things only time can give you. Trust is one of those. She may trust you for some things, but you still have to earn her trust for others.”
Leave it to Tracey to take my theory and shove it straight in the garbage.
“Hey,” she said, causing me to look at her again. “All you have is time, Dex. Enjoy the journey. I remember, not too long ago, thinking that things were so life-altering. They weren’t. I was young, and I didn’t have a grip on how much time I would have to get over stupid shit.”
I put my clothes down and just stared at her. “You’re the only person I know who takes me seriously. Why?”
“I think I’m old enough to know what it looks like when it’s real. Your parents had it. And after twenty-seven years, I certainly know what it looks like when it isn’t.” She walked to the door, opening the door and looking back at me momentarily. “Wear the sweater I got you for Christmas,” she said before walking out.
I pulled it out of my closet and set it on top of my pants. I reached for my phone, swiping my screen and typing out a message to Noa.
I’ll pick you up at 8:00.
I was going to show her a good time, and the constant worry that lived inside of her would ease. I could only hope it would ease mine as well.
•••
At 8:00 sharp I was outside of Noa’s building. I sent her a text letting her know I was downstairs. No response. By the time 8:15 came, I felt a sensation at the back of my neck. Worry. So I turned my car off and headed up the steps of her porch. The front door was unlocked and I entered, heading to the floor and direction I knew she lived. I could hear babies crying in other apartments and there was distant shouting. I tried not to notice the stale scent of old food as I walked up the last set of stairs.
I knocked on the door to apartment number six. Heavy steps made their way to the door, and when it opened, I was facing a tall, lanky guy with tired eyes. His brown curly hair flopped carelessly in his face. His boots were dirty and his flannel hung open, revealing a sweaty undershirt.
“Who are you?” he asked. “I don’t really want to hear about Jesus, so if you’re one of those Jehovah’s Witnesses, I’ll let you know now that I enjoy sinning immensely, and I’m pretty much guaranteed a toasty seat in hell.”
I couldn’t help my chuckle. “Uh, no. Actually, I’m here for Noa.”
His eyebrows shot up, and he looked me up and down.
“So you’re him, eh? Looks like she knows how to pick ’em.”
I heard Noa from somewhere in the apartment, yelling out something in rapid-fire Spanish. At least, I thought it was Spanish. Tim responded just as quickly and rolled his eyes, stepping aside so I could enter. I headed toward the sound of her voice. I walked into her room and my eyes went to her instantly. She was wearing a dress. It looked kind of fancy, the type of dress that showed off her figure. It made my tongue feel heavy and my eyes strained. After blinking a few times, I realized she was speaking.
“I’m annoyed that you’re up here,” she said as she gathered a few things and placed them in a small purse. “My phone was dead. Didn’t realize it until you were already at the door. And I was running late because Tim insisted on my cooking him dinner.”
“Is it too much to expect dinner on the table?” He was leaning against the door with a beer in his hand. “What’s your name?”
“Oh, uh, Dexter.” I offered him my hand, which he took, shaking it flimsily. “Nice to meet you.”
“If you’re expecting dinner, get a wife,” she said, scooting past him and pulling on her coat. I looked around her space and smiled. Full of art and color. And books. I hadn’t expected anything less.
“And how am I supposed to do that when I’ve got you living in the next bedroom?” He followed her out, and I stood in her room for a moment before walking out behind them.
“Poor Timothy.” She began to speak in Spanish again, and I knew it was because I was there.
“Yeah, well, don’t you be drinking tonight, either. Pain in my ass.” He swore to himself and took a swig, looking over at me. “Keep an eye on this one. She’s more trouble than she’s worth.” I didn’t bother feeling angry. I knew what he was saying meant nothing to me, so I let it roll off. And he was Noa’s brother. It wasn’t an easy situation to be in.
“Y estás borracho,” she hissed. Whatever she said impacted him. There was no response and the room was silent. What else was said between them was no longer verbal.
He looked at her, blinking a few times. He then set the bottle down and walked into a room, closing the door behind him.
She grabbed my hand and we walked out, me trying to keep up with her. When we reached my car, she pulled me against her and I wrapped her in my arms.
“If you want to leave, I totally understand.” Her words were muffled against my chest.
“I do want to leave. But I want you to come with me. Your brother’s an asshole. Don’t let that ruin our night.”
She sniffled and I held her tighter. My nose was in her hair and I inhaled deeply, loving this one moment more than anything in the world. I hated that she was upset. But I loved that she was leaning on me rather than taking her hurt and dealing with it by herself.
“I’m so embarrassed,” she wailed, pulling back.
“Don’t be. I don’t think any less of you because of Tim. That could never happen. You’re two different people.” I wiped away a lone tear. Her eyes were bright with emotion.
“We’re not so different,” she whispered. “And you have this wonderful life with all of these nice things and… I have nothing. I have no plans after high school. I’m a senior. I’m going to end up at some dead-end job and die alone. I’m building some art portfolio in the hopes of being better than where I came from, but do you honestly think anything will come of it?”
I wanted to laugh at how dramatic she was being. But I knew her worries weren’t something to be laughed at. Her artwork was beautiful. She’d have her pick of art schools. Maybe I was biased, but I thought she was some sort of artistic genius.
“You want to laugh, I know it. But, seriously. What are your plans after high school?” She tilted her head back enough to look at the night sky. That image held all of her hopes. I yearned to change that…turn the image of me into all of her hopes, but I didn’t want us to talk about this yet. I wanted to wait until she was comfortable enough with the idea of forever and then invite her to come with me.
“Well, uh…I’m hoping to be accepted to a school in Massachusetts. I’ve already talked to a few of the professors.”
She stepped back.
“See? Everyone has a plan. And at some point, you need to leave this God-forsaken place.” Even while she spoke, tears ran down her face.
“Don’t worry, Blue. Everything will fall into place.” I grabbed her hand. “You’re reeling. Come back to me.”
She laughed but it was a sad sound.
“You already know me so well, Dexter Andrews.” She wiped her eyes and took a deep breath. “Shall we go?”
I pulled her in one last time and kiss
ed her hair before ushering her to my car. We drove to her music, but she didn’t sing along. I pulled up in front of a different house from the first party. While the music was loud, there weren’t as many people outside. When I opened the front door, the party was in full swing, people with cups in their hands lining the walls. As we passed the living room, we saw people clapping as one girl sang karaoke. She was terrible but she knew it, laughing at the lyrics.
Amidst the onlookers, Ralph stood. He glanced my way before looking again and smiling.
“Well, shit! Now the party’s here.” His large shoulders parted the crowd as he made his way to us. He hugged Noa first, tightly and lifting her off her feet. “How’s my best girl?” he asked as he punched me in the shoulder.
“Anxious to see what tonight brings,” she answered, linking her hand with mine.
“Tonight feels like a good one.” He turned to where the girl was finishing her horrible rendition of a pop song. “You guys getting up there? First, you’ll be needing a drink.”
“Oh, none for me,” Noa said, her cheeks pink as she shook her head. I remembered what Tim had said. I remembered how drunk she’d gotten before. Was alcohol a problem in her home? Tim seemed to have been a few beers in when I knocked on the door.
“And you?” Ralph asked, pulling me from my thoughts.
“No, thanks, man.” I squeezed Noa’s hand, hoping tonight would be fun for her. I’d hold onto her hand the whole night if I had to.
We watched as more people tried their hand at singing karaoke and failed miserably. A few people came up to us and, more often than not, chatted up Noa. She looked surprised at first but then would speak openly. She gestured with her hands as she spoke, and when she realized she’d almost spilled some of her soda, she chuckled.
“All right,” Ralph spoke loudly, getting everyone’s attention. “Now it’s Noa’s turn.”
She threw her head back and laughed. Rather than shying away from it, she shrugged and handed her soda can to Ralph, who looked at her with a smile.
“Don’t laugh too hard, Dexter Andrews,” she said. She kissed my cheek and headed up to the makeshift stage.
After looking through the songs, she picked one and violins began. It was momentary and she started singing immediately after. Her voice was soft and unsure but damn it, it was beautiful. It was a bluesy song, with enough of a pop undertone to make it catchy.
She sang about dreaming of someone but playing it off. My heart was beating heavily as she continued. Her eyes roved the crowd until they settled on mine. She was holding onto the mic with a vice grip, and at times, the music drowned out her soft singing, but I knew she meant it. This time, when her eyes shined, they shined with happiness.
Her voice caressed the syllable of each word with her eyes on me. When it became too much, she blinked, looking all over the crowd. But, sure enough, her eyes found mine again.
“Well, shit,” Ralph whispered, resting his hand on my shoulder and rubbing the back of his neck with the other.
“Yeah,” I whispered back.
The song ended and she walked easily toward me. I saw the way her eyes shifted and knew she was feeling anything but easy. When she got close enough, I grabbed her, dipping her back and kissing her theatrically.
“Great song choice,” I said as soon as I could form a sentence again. She was blushing when she shrugged.
“Noa, homie, what the hell? You didn’t tell us you could sing. And a Macy Gray classic at that.” Ralph put his arm around her and led her away. “Let’s circulate. I know you’d love nothing more than to get away from this guy.” He jerked his thumb back and she looked back at me, mouthing that she’d be right back.
I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned.
“Before you completely embarrass me again, can we talk? I have no hidden agenda, I just want to apologize,” Becca said in one breath.
Chapter 16
“Why can’t you apologize here?” I asked, not keen on the idea of spending private time with her. “Please, Dex. I’m just asking for a few minutes of your time. I feel like shit.” Her eyes were on her shoes, and when she looked up, I saw that they glistened with unshed tears. I let out a rushed breath, feeling impatient.
“Fine. Two minutes. Come on.” I walked ahead of her. I stopped at the steps. “It’s quiet enough here.”
She looked around. “This isn’t exactly private.”
“It’s as private as you’re going to get,” I said. “The clock is ticking, Becca.”
“Fine. Look, I wanted to say sorry. For everything. For cheating, for not being what you needed…for attacking Noa. It’s just—” her eyes watered again, “we were happy. In my mind, we were perfect. We had fun, you didn’t ask much of me, and I didn’t ask much of you. Then you almost died and what was I supposed to do? You didn’t remember me and I freaked out! I’m sorry I freaked out. I was stupid. But it was only once. I only slept with one person, and I feel terribly about it.”
“You can’t apologize for not being what I needed. That isn’t your fault. It’s not something you can control. But instead of apologizing to me, you should be apologizing to Noa.”
She nodded. “I know. I will.”
“It must’ve been hard, having someone you care for almost die. I don’t know anything about you and me as a unit. I only remember what was when I woke up. And I had such a hard time ending it with you.” She laughed, the action filled with sarcasm. “No, seriously. I felt like I was taking this life and changing everything the old Dexter wanted. It wasn’t fair to you. You didn’t do anything. Well, you cheated, but to be fair, I don’t even remember our relationship. It’s an overall terrible situation. The best thing for you now is to try to be a better individual, Becca. You’re beautiful, and I’m sure there’s someone out there for you. But he’s not going to want this venomous person. And you should know that, even if you hadn’t cheated, it still wouldn’t have worked out.”
When Becca cried, I felt badly for her. When Noa cried, I wanted to stop the world for her and fix it before letting it spin on its axis again.
“Thanks, Dex. And I’m sorry for everything.”
“Its fine,” I said, eager to get back to Noa.
“Can I hug you? I kind of miss your hugs.”
I hugged her awkwardly, patting her back. When I pulled back, she smiled before walking off.
“Women,” I said to myself, shaking my head. I walked around, looking for a head of blue hair. When I didn’t see her, I started looking for Ralph. I found him sitting on a couch.
“Where’s Noa?” I asked, edging anger. He’d let her out of his sight.
“Dude, she’s gone.” Ralph looked up at me with guilt. “I tried to go after her but she didn’t want me to. Then she got in a cab and that was it.”
“You should’ve gone with her! Why’d she even leave? Was she upset?” My head was beginning to throb.
“She wasn’t exactly keen on being told you’d gone upstairs with Becca.”
“What? We were at the foot of the stairs the whole time! Why does she do this? Why am I half-crazy all the time over this chick?” I sat down next to Ralph.
“Honestly? I think you love her,” he said. I blanched, not even thinking of denying it.
“That was fast,” I muttered and ran my hands over my face. “I have to find her. Do you know where she went?”
Ralph shook his head and I got up.
“I’ll catch you later,” I said.
“Find her. And Happy New Year, jackass.”
I was out of the door and pulling out of my parking spot in the same sixty seconds. I called her, only to get her voicemail, remembering that her phone was dead. I drove by her building. There were no lights on in her room and the front door to the building was locked. I drove around for the next forty-five minutes, hoping I’d find her before anything happened. I’d met emotional Noa a few times. She was irrational and detrimental to herself.
I was driving back to her place to check again when I passe
d a bar and saw her. She was arguing with someone outside. I stopped the car in the middle of the road and got out.
“I know he’s in there, Hank. Tell him to come out!”
The guy shook his head, his arms crossed. “You know I won’t be doing that, Noa. Go home. Your days of underage drinking in my bar are over.”
“What’s going on?” I asked as I ran up. When Noa saw me, she started walking away.
“She’s drunk. Made her way through her brother’s liquor cabinet and came here looking for more. Good kid. Dealt a shitty card.” He walked back inside, and I ran after her.
“Get away from me, Dexter,” she slurred, walking on wobbly legs.
I grabbed her and carried her to my car. It wasn’t easy but, as I buckled her into the passenger side, her fight left her.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I said, more for my benefit than hers. I was worried, frustrated, and completely shattered over this girl.
“Just leave me alone,” she whispered.
“Not in this lifetime,” I retorted before closing the car door and rounding to the driver’s side. The drive was quiet until I pulled into my driveway.
“I’m not going in there.”
“You have no choice, Noa. You’re drunk, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let something happen to you.”
“Tim is a drunk,” she sobbed. “And so am I. See?” She turned to me, grabbing my sweater. “We’ve got more in common than you think. I can’t…go in that perfect house.”
“You’re not a drunk, Blue,” I whispered, afraid of what she might tell me in her state. She let go of me and turned back in her seat.
“But I am! I’ve been fighting. I’ve been trying. But it comes back every time. It wins every fucking time.” She leaned her forehead against the dashboard. “Tim hates me because I drink all of his booze. And I hate him because I…have to depend on him for more. Then he started hiding it from me. Locking it away, going to bars. And I hated him more. Because instead of helping me, he taunted me.” Her shoulders shook as she cried.
Crashing Souls Page 11
