Crashing Souls

by Cynthia A. Rodriguez

  “Not to freak you out, but she’s waited a long time to meet you.”

  I frowned. She was a stranger, so I was a little freaked out.

  “Let’s go, then. Don’t want to keep her waiting.” As we rode along, I felt closer to the person I used to be than I ever had before. When Dexter and I met, I wasn’t whole. I was getting by, but I was somewhat happy. When I moved to Seattle, I’d changed. I wasn’t who I was meant to be. In the realest and truest sense, I was like a scared little puppy, going through the motions but never saying enough. It was refreshing to come here and, despite the hell so far, find myself again.

  Dexter handed me his phone and told me to call Ralph and let him know where we were headed. He answered on the first ring and said he’d meet us there.

  “How often do you see her?” It seemed like this was a fairly big deal for them.

  “Well, at our graduation, I finally remembered Greg. I kind of lost it after that. That was the day I tried to come back for you, but you’d already left. In those next months, I went to see her every day. I wasn’t well after you disappeared. I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. Molly helped me out of that. Ralph and I love her as if she were our mother, much like we love Tracey. So, I try to see her as often as I can.”

  It was a small glimpse into Dexter after the Noa storm, and I grabbed at the opportunity.

  We stopped in front of a modest Victorian style home, and not thirty seconds later, Ralph pulled up behind us.

  I got out and Ralph came over and hugged me.

  “Ready? She’s been waiting for you.”

  “That’s what Dexter said.” I shivered against the cold and looked at the house, wondering about the lady who lived inside it.

  “Don’t worry,” Dexter said, holding my hand in his as we walked up the steps. “She’s going to love you. She’s great like that.”

  “Except I apparently broke your heart seven years ago, and she taped it all back together,” I grumbled, not sure about the whole situation.

  “You taped it back together a few weeks ago. She just made it easier to move forward with all the pieces.” He kissed the back of my hand and Ralph rang the doorbell.

  There was movement on the other side and the door opened slowly, revealing an older man whose eyes squinted in the sun. He looked at Ralph and Dexter with sadness in his eyes.

  “I don’t know that she’s up for company today.” He cleared his throat, his eyes still squinting. Looking past him, I noticed how dark it was inside. There was something about that darkness that frightened me, and I was scared to see what was in it.

  Death was on the doorstep of this man’s life. While I was familiar with death, even yearning for it at times, I felt uneasy.

  “We brought Noa,” Ralph said as Dexter held up our joined hands. The man’s eyes brightened and he stepped forward, shaking my free hand.

  “Noa. It’s wonderful to finally meet you. Come in. I’ll get Molly ready and then you guys can come up.” He ushered us in and we sat on a couch. Dexter turned on a lamp, and I wondered why he didn’t open the curtains. The man went upstairs, taking each step slowly, and Ralph sat back beside me with a shaky inhale.

  “Greg Sr. looks like he’s aged quite a bit since we were last here,” Ralph said quietly.

  “What’s wrong with Molly?” I asked. They had to know I’d ask. This wasn’t normal behavior at all. Not that I was an expert on that, but they were all tiptoeing in this dark house and no one had bothered to fill me in.

  Dexter had been pacing the room but when I asked, he stopped and looked at me. He opened his mouth to answer, but Greg Sr. spoke for him from the stairs.

  “Leukemia. I think it stemmed from her broken heart. I’ve never seen someone die from a broken heart but…there’s a first time for everything. She’s ready for you guys.” He walked down the hall into more darkness, and before he disappeared, I heard soft sobs.

  “What am I doing here?” I whispered. “She’s on her deathbed. She doesn’t give a shit about me.” I tried to turn back, but Ralph blocked me in.

  “Trust me,” he insisted, “she wants to see you. Now, up the stairs you go. Dex, you go first.” Ralph followed me up the steps.

  Dexter stopped in front of a door. It looked like any old door but it smelled like sickness. Like a hospital. He turned the knob, and through the dim light the lamp shed, I saw someone sitting up in bed, a smile already on her face.

  “Oh, Greg!” Tears shined in her eyes, and I looked back at Ralph curiously. He nudged me forward. When Dexter kissed her cheeks and stepped back, her eyes immediately went to me. “Annabelle? I thought I’d never see you again! How lovely.”

  She held out her arms and I went. Something about this woman was familiar. While I wasn’t too keen on her calling me by a dead girl’s name, I figured she was addled in her current state. When Ralph stepped in, I wondered who she’d have him be. But when he was called Ralph, I frowned. What?

  Dexter came over to me and took my hand. She turned her attention back to us.

  “I never thought I’d see the day. You two lovebirds back together. But, I always told you, Greg Jr., if you waited, you’d find her again. Where was she hiding?” I watched her hairless face grow warm with excitement, the colorful scarf on her head hiding what I assumed was smooth and bald.

  Dexter recanted the story of how we’d run into each other in Seattle and I looked around. Beautiful photos covered the walls. While what was taking place in this room was awful, terrible, and downright sad, the room was gorgeous. They were bringing her pleasure through her space while her own body was killing her and they pumped her with poison.

  I wanted to cry for this woman, but I couldn’t because I was still trying to place the familiarity between us.

  She didn’t sound insane. She spoke lucidly and talked about things that were very normal. She even asked about Phoebe and Rachel, which threw me for a loop. At one point, she noticed my confused expression and spoke to me.

  “I know that you’re Noa like I know he is Dexter. But, at the very core, in your soul, he is Greg Jr. And you are Annabelle.” She chuckled when I stammered. “Being so close to death, it opens up the universe. I can see things I couldn’t before, experience things and understand things I couldn’t before. But Dexter,” she began to cry, “he is the one to mourn. His soul is with our creator’s.”

  Dexter ran his thumb over my knuckle, and I felt like I was in Wonderland.

  “I think it’s time we head home, Molly,” Ralph whispered, coming in close to kiss her cheek.

  She nodded, tears still in her eyes. I hugged her frail little body and part of me knew that this was it. I’d never see her alive again. While I knew I’d never met this woman before, a part of me clung to her desperately. I stepped back, wiping the moisture from my eyes, and kissed her cheeks. Through the sickness and the hell she was going through, she shone. It was amazing to see. It gave me hope.

  She placed her hands on my cheeks and brought my ear to her lips.

  “You’re troubled. But the pain, sometimes it reminds us we’re alive.”

  Damn it if she hadn’t told me exactly what I needed to hear.

  Dexter said goodbye, and just as I thought I’d seen all sides of him, he cried. He knew it too. She wouldn’t be here much longer.

  Greg Sr. walked us out, saying he’d call if anything.

  I couldn’t help but think maybe my tragedies were, in fact, tragedies. But we were all experiencing our own little tragedies every day.

  Chapter 31

  Iwoke on the day of Tim’s service while everyone else was still asleep. It was the best time for me to go for a run. I hadn’t gone since before I’d bumped into Dexter, and my body needed it. It was better that I work through my emotions physically. It was probably why I was crying all of the time. The buildup with no release was taking its toll on me. Sex was…sex was amazing. But nothing helped me like a nice long run.

  I dug through my bags quietly, finding my clothes. After I
brushed my teeth and changed, I jogged lightly down the steps and opened the door. It was cold, but I knew my body would warm up. I stretched a little and then took off. Slowly at first, getting my body ready. My lungs already started burning, but the first mile was always a little tough. I was finding my rhythm. The second mile was easier, and by the third, I was good to go. It was blissful. Everything I felt, everything I worried about, hit the pavement with my feet. By the fourth mile, I was heading back to the house. I slowed down; something about the park I was running past looked familiar. It hit me that this was the park Dexter had brought me to years ago. I smiled wistfully and walked toward the swings. I remembered the fierce independence I was adamant to display at every opportunity. Secretly, I loved that Dexter wanted to be my boyfriend and carry my books. It was the fear, always the fear, driving me to mock the absurdity of it. Someone like him wanting someone like me? Absolutely senseless.

  I sat on the swing and looked at the sun as it began to rise.

  “You were always better at being alone,” I heard someone say from beside me. I hadn’t heard anyone approach, so when I saw the old man sitting in the swing next to me, I was a little jumpy about it. “Don’t worry, Noa. I’m but an old man.”

  “You only look like an old man,” I said. I couldn’t understand it, but something about him seemed so powerful and otherworldly. Ethereal. His wrinkles were too deep when he smiled, like he smiled often, and his bright eyes looked at me with knowledge. The way I imagined a baker looked at his bread.

  “Smart girl.” He held on to the chains of the swing. It was strange to see him sitting there, like a child. But I shrugged it off, more concerned with what he wanted. “I want nothing from you. I want to talk. We’ve not had the pleasure of meeting. I understand Dexter told you a little about me. I wish he hadn’t. You were living in a blissful state.”

  “But…I didn’t really think much of it. Until now. So, you’re the Grim Reaper?”

  “That name is terrible. While I’m called many names, I answer only to one. I am the Angel of Death. And you are Noa Cruz. The same Noa who died. Except I brought you back.”

  My heart stuttered. “I didn’t die,” I whispered.

  “But you did. As did Dexter. Four souls, one moment. It was perfect. Opportune. Greg asked to be spared, as well as Annabelle. Your soul, the person you were before, she is gone. You were given a much kinder soul. Yes, in the end, you’re the same. You still have Noa’s memories and your identity is the same, but I’m sure you felt a change when you awoke in the hospital. And Dexter was charged with finding you and loving you.”

  I listened to this man’s story and I knew that he believed it. That frightened me. Molly’s sincere confusion flashed through my mind. These conversations ran along the same train of thought: Dexter and I weren’t who we thought we were the entire time.

  “So, Dexter and I are soul mates?”

  “I’m going to tell you what I told him when he tried to leave you, years ago. Your life, without him? You will be an aimless woman, forever searching and never finding. You know this. You felt it while he was gone. It’s a pity that you two can’t ever simply be. You let the world get in the way. Be with him. He is yours and you are his. It’s fated.”

  There was the pressure that I hated. The kind that made me want to run.

  “You must tell him, Noa.”

  And that was it. The one thing that held me back.

  “What if I don’t? I—I can’t live through that horror again.” I watched the sadness in his eyes that I was sure reflected in mine.

  “’Twas a sad day, when I was chartered with that duty. But you have to tell him. If he finds out on his own, he will not forgive you. Yes, he’ll be upset. But that will fade.”

  “And what if he doesn’t? What if he leaves me again?” I buried my face in my hands. After a few moments of gathering myself, I looked over at him again.

  “Are you always going to be so afraid of life that you don’t live it? Tell him, Noa. He deserves to know.” The old man stood. “He will find out. Don’t waste time.”

  I ran my hand down the back of my neck. My sweat had since dried, and I felt the chill of the breeze.

  “You will find your end at the bottom of your drinking glass.” Because my hand had already been there, I felt the prickle of goose bumps below the back of my hairline. I glanced over to where the old man stood.

  I was alone.

  I ran back to Tracey’s, my pace faster than usual.

  I opened the front door quietly, hoping to remain unnoticed. Tracey peeked at the door from the kitchen and beckoned me over. I figured she’d be awake. She was always the first one awake.

  She handed me coffee when I walked in. I set it down and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, chugging it.

  “Went for a run?” she asked, her eyes perusing through the day’s newspaper.

  I nodded. “Seemed like a good idea.”

  “Today will be hard. But we’ll all be here. I do have something I wanted to talk to you about. It seems like, with all the chaos, we haven’t really gotten a chance to be alone.” She paused and looked me in my eyes. “I wanted to say that I’m so sorry for your loss. I remembered your brother at your birthday party. You two shared a rare connection, having gone through hell together. Also, I wanted to tell you that I’m so happy you had the time that you needed before coming back into Dex’s life. You’re a better woman for it, though you may question it from time to time. The girl I met and the woman you are now, they’re so alike in so many ways but so different in the best ways. You’re stronger and your love for Dexter… it’s beautiful. Just as strong as his love for you.”

  I placed my hand on hers. From the moment she’d brought me a banana smoothie to chase away my hangover, we had this bond. She was almost like an older sister, telling me stories about Dexter I’m sure he’d kill her over.

  “As true as that may be, I want you to understand that if you’re serious about this, you can’t leave Dexter again. He wouldn’t survive it. He almost didn’t go to school, Noa. It was like his reason for living was gone. And now that Molly is almost gone, he’ll need you to stick around. I’m asking you, begging you, if you aren’t going to stay, leave now. Before it gets to be too much for you to handle.”

  I understood that I could never really promise her that I wouldn’t go anywhere, but I said what I could.

  “I know you’re worried. But don’t be. As long as we’re alive and he wants me, I’ll be here.”

  “Finally,” Dexter said from the doorway. I held my hand over my heart, startled by his interruption. I could only catch my breath for a moment before he swung me in his arms and excused us before jogging up the steps.

  “Put me down, caveman,” I shrieked, thumping him on the back with halfhearted punches. Once he shut the door behind him, he threw me on the bed. I was still laughing when he lay on top of me. Still laughing when he kissed my neck. I stopped laughing when his hand went up my shirt.

  “I just came in from a run,” I whispered, wriggling underneath him. “I stink.”

  “Sometimes I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. I worry that, if I make the wrong move, you’ll leave again. Or worse, you’ll start drinking again. Hearing what you said downstairs made me not worry so much anymore.”

  I tried to keep a straight face. His hands went farther up my shirt, and I hiccupped over my next breath. His fingers were touching sensitive skin, and we wrestled to take off the barriers between us.

  It was different this time. Of course, there was the undeniable need that felt like the world would burn if we didn’t get to each other. But it was sweeter this time. We spent more time looking into each other’s eyes, and Dexter spoke hushed words into my skin, telling me I was beautiful and that I was his. That he’d follow me forever. I couldn’t speak, let alone form a coherent sentence, but I let my actions speak for me. The gentle slope of ecstasy made me shudder, and when I came back down, he was still whispering.

  “
‘I always loved you, and if one loves anyone, one loves the whole person, just as they are and not as one would like them to be.’” He quoted the words to me as easily as if he’d come up with them himself. I was sure Leo Tolstoy hadn’t had this in mind when he wrote them, but it was one of those moments when anything I might’ve said in those few seconds died in my throat.

  He brought his mouth to mine, and as he pulled away, I finally had the mind to quote something in return.

  “‘I can’t think of you and myself apart. You and I are one to me,’” I whispered against his lips before bringing him back to me.

  He groaned against my neck, and I heard the gravel in his voice under his confession.

  “I must’ve read that book a million times while you were gone.”

  “A wonderful, tragic little love story,” I said, stroking the skin on his back. He picked up his head and chuckled.

  “A never-ending catastrophe. But it made me feel closer to you, for some reason.” He sat up and pulled me along with him. “Let’s shower. Today is the big day.”

  He went ahead of me, and while I gathered my clothes from the floor, I heard a voice.

  You must tell him, Noa.

  I would tell him. Once everything settled down, I would finally tell him.

  •••

  I didn’t cry when Tim was handed to me in a metal urn. It was pretty enough, but it wasn’t going to be his home for much longer. The pastor came to the podium and recited a few scriptures, telling us that God had Tim now. I tuned all of it out because that man knew nothing about Tim.

  Tracey, Dexter, and Ralph were the only ones I’d invited. A few of Tim’s buddies from work came too, but I figured they would. Still, not enough people to fill two rows. The pastor cleared his throat, and I snapped out of it, grabbing the urn and heading to the podium.

  “I could come up here and tell you all how wonderful Tim was. But, honestly, he wasn’t that wonderful. He was just a man. The greatest accomplishment of his life was being bilingual. Oh, and raising me for a few years.” I looked down at his urn and felt like I was screwing up this speech. I sniffed and looked up again. “But, even as a regular guy, Tim had moments where he was exceptional. Like the day I came to him and told him I had to get out of here. We sat for hours trying to figure out where to, but I knew…I knew my brother had my back. He paid for my flight to Seattle and gave me the couple thousand he’d managed to save. Like it was nothing. Like he hadn’t been saving it for something better than his troubled kid sister to run away from her problems. That kind of selflessness is something you don’t see. Whether it was taking me in during what was supposed to be the best years of his life or flushing away his savings so I could chase my dreams, I owe that man,” my breath hitched and my vision blurred, “I owe him everything. I figured, Tim, I could at least give you freedom.” I stepped off the podium and walked to the front door. The wind was howling when I opened it, and I smiled as I continued to walk down the deserted road. I reached the old wooden bridge and lifted the lid, dumping the urn over and watching as his ashes flew away.