by Ada Scott
My brow furrowed at this sudden shift in orders from Alberico. “When are you going to let me know what’s got your panties in a bunch?”
“Keep talking, motherfucker. What you say is going to decide whether you get it in the foot, the kneecap or if I miss altogether and shoot your fuckin’ balls off. Do you have any idea how much time, effort, lives and money it cost to convince the Cannibals that they should leave you alone?”
“No.”
“Too much. And how do you repay us? You missed your fucking quota last month.”
Fuck. I ran my hand through my hair while Giovanni stared daggers through me. I’d been spending so much time with Sarina and my mom that things had, admittedly, slipped at my lab.
“I’ve always met or exceeded my quota before. Overall, I’m still ahead,” I said, grasping at straws.
“You think I give a fuck? You’re not stockpiling goodwill here, motherfucker. You do your fucking job month-in, month-out, and that’s all I care about.”
I held up my hands. “OK, OK. I get it. I’ll make sure this month makes up for the shortfall last month, and then business as usual from here on in. Alright?”
“Fuckin’ right you will. Remember, this is your fuckin’ warning. Next time, the chains come out. God damn motherfuckin’ Cannibals found out about you this time. Who’s next? Cops? DEA? Feds? Who the fuck knows. Who’s that cum dumpster bitch you’ve been hanging around with?”
The familiar hot anger that had been slowly bubbling up was suddenly frozen over by pure hatred. I took a deep breath to carefully control my tone with the man holding the gun.
“You been following me?”
“What would we find out if we did? It doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes to know you’ve been getting your finger wet. So who the fuck is she? Where’d she come from and why the fuck is she hangin’ around somebody like you?”
“She’s none of your business.”
“You don’t tell me what my business is.”
Rising to my feet at glacial speed, I leaned forward on his desk as he and his goons all lifted their guns and pointed them at me. If I could have ripped his head off before any bullets could get to me, I would have.
“She. Is. None. Of. Your. Business.”
Sarina
Everybody always said that love wasn’t supposed to be easy, but I didn’t think they could really be an authority on the topic unless they’d walked a mile in my shoes. Every day, I caught my mind deconstructing my life and trying to rebuild me into the Sarina Bell persona I’d created.
All my time with Ryan was like a picture-perfect postcard from heaven. He worshipped my mind, body and soul in the bedroom and everywhere else, paying homage to every square inch of my skin in his own good time.
We went Christmas shopping together, another first for me, and we visited his mom. He took me out and showed me off, and I hated to admit how enjoyable it was when I caught other women looking at me jealously.
I was twirling through a metaphorical field of flowers, in love, and then my old life had to butt its head in again. This came in the form of a meeting with Sergeant Shelton, who had finally received the lab tests back on the sample of F I’d given him, after several delays that weren’t explained to me.
According to the forensic scientists, not only was the sample I’d provided the highest quality they’d ever tested, it was completely pure. Ryan’s source was able to get F that hadn’t been cut at all, and Shelton’s excitement at that shone through his professional veneer.
This meant that my investigation might very well be starting higher up in the food chain than any of us thought. My heart sank when I heard that.
The higher Ryan was in the F supply structure, the more difficult it would be to protect him from prosecution, no matter what I did. Doing my job meant stabbing him in the back, but now it also meant plunging that knife into my own heart at the same time.
Sergeant Shelton noticed how quiet I was and gave his best undercover cop pep talk. He reminded me that I wasn’t the first undercover officer to go down this path, but then he surprised me by saying that I’d been in the field long enough to know that things happen that are never mentioned in the training.
He knew there were things going on that were never included in my reports and that was OK, there was always shit to work out from an undercover investigation. I got real quiet at that.
Just don’t forget who you are, and don’t forget who he is, he said.
For me, that was easier said than done. Love didn’t come along every day. What was the right thing to do? Turn my back on it? Break the heart of the first man who ever showed me what being in love felt like? I was an undercover cop. Was I still?
You’re the good guy, he’s the bad guy.
Shelton’s assessment was a lot simpler than mine. Regardless, with this new information and since Ryan didn’t seem to be volunteering any contacts, my orders were to step up the investigation.
If F was ultimately being produced by The Cannibals, we needed to get to the bottom of things. With several gang members reported missing lately, some turning up extremely dead, the feeling around the station was that some third party was gearing up for a turf war.
Was it about control of F as well? We had to find out, before countless people died, some of them completely innocent bystanders who’d be nothing more than collateral damage in a criminal underworld war.
Since then, I’d been following Ryan as much as possible, while keeping up appearances at college just enough to maintain my cover. I was exhausted with all this and the constant mental gymnastics it took to try to stay grounded, while Ryan spent every moment sweeping me off my feet.
Most of the time, he only went to the building in the middle of the industrial area that had been converted into a rented workspace, with offices, meeting rooms, phones and computer workstations available. This wasn’t news to me; Ryan told me he ran his cosmetics business from there when he needed to, and Sergeant Shelton confirmed that it was a real business that paid its taxes.
Today was different. Today, Ryan went into the Trafford Tower. My mind worked overtime trying to make up excuses for him. There were plenty of legitimate reasons to go into that building, but half of the businesses in there were suspected fronts for the Acardi Crime Family. The other half would probably be under suspicion too, if they were investigated closely enough.
Something Ryan’s mother said when I first met her was bothering me too. She said Ryan was always into chemistry. Top marks in his class all through high school.
Oh, Ryan, what have you got yourself into?
What if he somehow continued his education in chemistry without his mom’s knowledge? What if he was actually involved in the production of F?
What if he’s actually the-
I cut off my internal monologue before it could finish the thought. Ryan, my Ryan, couldn’t be one of the most wanted men in the country. That was a thought scary enough to run away from.
Running away sounded like a good idea. If Ryan asked me to run away from all this with him, I might just do it. I guessed that answered my question as to whether I was still a cop.
When I thought about my future, I no longer saw a young woman rising through the ranks in the police force, all alone. I saw Ryan and I together, I felt his touch. I felt his love. My fake life was overwhelming my present in a haze of love, and overwriting my future with its sweet promises.
I half-heartedly told myself that I was here visiting Ryan’s mother so I could casually question her about Ryan’s abilities as a chemist, any criminal history that may not have been caught or reported, who his friends were, what she knew about his college days… but I hadn’t asked any of that.
The truth was that I came here because hearing somebody talk about Ryan who loved him so completely and unconditionally made me feel like I was being poured full of pure joy until I was almost drowning in it. I basked in her motherly attention like it was sunshine itself.
“I always wanted to do thi
s,” she said.
I sat on a chair right against the side of her bed, facing away so that she could plait my hair. She worked slowly and methodically, and I could only gauge her progress by the various gentle tugs at my scalp.
“Even when Ryan had long hair he wouldn’t let me,” she sighed.
“He had long hair?” I asked absent-mindedly.
“Once upon a time. So did I.”
“It’ll grow back though, right?”
“It sure will, little miss, but it’ll never be as nice as yours!” she said playfully.
Diana had clearly taken on board how much Ryan needed to see her fighting as much as he was. Out of all my visits, I’d only seen her having one of the bad days Ryan mentioned one time, and that was right after one of her treatments.
We worked together to do all we could. We wiped her chin after she vomited, and we kept refreshing the cool facecloths against her forehead. I tried to keep everybody’s spirits up and manage their fear, as well as staving off my own.
I could see how much Ryan needed her to be OK. When she had the strength, it was obvious how she had earned that special place in his heart. She was working her way into mine pretty easily, that was for sure. What I wouldn’t have given to have somebody like her in my life as a scared and lonely little kid.
The sound of purposeful footsteps grew louder and louder, entering the room behind me. I felt Diana’s manipulations of my hair pause, and tilted my head to the side a little to see a poker-faced doctor standing there with a clipboard.
“Hi there, Ms. Crewe, how are you feeling today?” he asked.
“I’m doing good,” Diana replied tentatively.
“Hmmm. Well, I wanted to come have a talk with you. We’ve had some pretty important test results come back today. Is it OK for me to discuss them with you in the presence of…”
“Sarina,” I said.
“In front of Sarina?” he finished.
I could feel Diana’s bravery seeping out of her as the shaking of her hands was communicated through the grip she had on my hair.
“Y-yes… but… can I call my son? He should be here. For better or for worse.”
Ryan
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
My mind kept on wandering back to that day. Somehow I managed to get out of the Acardi building without being shot in the leg. Then a couple hours later, I had a call from my mom to get to the hospital.
The words rang out in my head. “Cancer in remission,” and then the next few words were drowned out as Sarina, my mom and I hugged each other and laughed the kind of laugh you can only have when the Governor calls with a pardon just before they’re about to throw the switch on your electric chair. Hysterical relief.
My lab assistants were walking on eggshells now, though. I’d been working them hard to make up for the slump in production, and spontaneously breaking out into laughter like the mad scientist some of the rumors had labelled me.
They were freaked out, and I didn’t give a fuck. I’d spent my last Christmas in the hospital, full of more hope than I’d dared to have for-fucking-ever, and that was worth celebrating, if anything was.
The only real outlet for my energy was Sarina. I fucked-in the New Year with her and she shared in my joy. It did my heart good to see how well the two of them got along.
My phone beeped and buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out to see a text message from an unknown number.
‘System online. Enter code 7di%4HN*tz into the remote app. Battery packs will last a year. Sale completed. We will be gone in a couple days. See you in the news. Track me down in the place I told you about in a few years.’
I’d been waiting for that message for over a year. It meant the noose was sitting nice and snug around the Acardi Crime Family’s neck and all I had to do was put on my executioner’s hood, pull the lever and really fuck up their day.
However, my priorities had changed. Once my mother was cleared to leave hospital and we had a plan in place for what care she needed to get back to 100%, it was time to leave Highston, and The F King, behind us in the dust.
Somehow, the idea of coming clean to Sarina didn’t seem like an insurmountable problem anymore. As long as I could tell her it was all in my past, surely there was nothing we couldn’t get over.
She held on to me so tight whenever we embraced, like she never wanted to let go. Well, she’d never have to. All I had to do was actually get all this shit into the past.
I fucking loved her. I loved her when I was inside her and she was making my ears ring, I loved her when we whispered in the dark, I loved her when we were completely silent. I fucking loved her and I wanted to fill my life with her.
The best part was that I was sure she loved me too. More sure than if I mixed an acid and a base I’d get water and a salt.
The hard part was going to be working out the logistics of taking as much of the Acardi’s money as I could and disappearing with my mom, Sarina and my own money all in one night. I had a month or two to figure that out, and in the meantime I had to play the model employee.
“Sir?”
I turned in my chair and saw one of my assistants, Pablo, standing at the entrance to my office and looking nervous. He held a few sheets of paper in his hand.
“Yes?”
“Here’s the results from the latest batch, would you like to look at them now?”
“Yeah, hand them over.” I waved him in.
Pablo gave me the test results and I flicked through them. “Has the last batch been weighed?”
“Yes sir.”
“What’s our level at for today, in total?”
“107% of target, sir.”
“Good, good. Hmmm. It looks like the initial filtration unit might be introducing trace amounts of impurities. Take it apart and see if there’s any kind of buildup in there.”
“Yes sir.”
Pablo left and I double-checked the printout to see if there was anything else that required my attention. There was nothing that needed the tweaking of a master chemist; they could carry on making perfect product just by each of them doing their little part.
I put the sheets of paper through the shredder and leaned back in my chair. That factory Tony told me about in Redmond sounded like the biggest single stockpile of cash for the Acardis any of my “informants” had ever seen, so at some stage I was going to have to take a little trip up there and see the lay of the land.
For now, though, I could do with some Sarina-time. I pulled out my phone again and sent her a message asking where she was. The answer came back after only a few minutes.
‘In the library. Millie dragged me here to study for a test we’ve got next week. What are you up to? xoxo’
I sent her a message saying I had something for her. Anvils tied to little strings at the corners of my mouth couldn’t have kept the smirk off my face. My jacket was already on and I was halfway out of the lab when the reply came through.
‘What is it? Want to meet up somewhere?’
Sitting in my car, I told her to hold tight, I’d find her there. Highston University Library was a fucking huge building. Lots of books on lots of shelves. Lots of places a sexy little human resources undergrad might get fucked hard, if somebody was willing and able to do it… and if she was able to keep quiet enough.
I started my engine with that smile still on my face and pulled out of the parking garage. I may have been planning on leaving the F King title behind, but I’d never felt more like royalty. I didn’t give much of a damn for monarchies, but I did know that one thing a good king should do is fuck the ever-loving bejesus out of his queen, so that was exactly what I was going to do.
Sarina
When Millie and I arrived in the Library, we found it a lot busier than we expected. There must have been several papers with tests and assignments scheduled for shortly after the break.
As such, we couldn’t even sit together, and the first spot I found was at the end of a long row of private desks, set up like office cubicle
s with temporary walls separating them. I had all my books and printouts of the PowerPoint lecture slides spread out, with scribbled notes all over them, but I couldn’t have cared less about the test.
It didn’t matter if I passed, failed, or never took the test at all. I was only going to live this lie for as long as it took me to work up the courage to tell Ryan the truth.
I’d tell him everything, including the truth of my love. I’d quit the force and accept the repercussions of my actions. We’d be strong enough to get through this.
Together, we’d leave our past lives behind and start afresh. He was involved with something he’d need to let go of too, but he couldn’t be The F King. It wasn’t possible.
In the academy, they stressed that the bad guys didn’t always look like you expected. They didn’t always wear the stripy shirts and masks and come in the night and look like bad guys. You always had to be on your guard.
Statistically, they were no doubt correct… but that hadn’t been my experience. The bad guys in my life I had seen coming from a mile away. From the very first moments I was introduced as their new foster daughter.
None of them had ever shown the kind of righteous happiness that Ryan showed that day in the hospital. I didn’t think any of them had a clue what love was.
Whatever else Ryan might be, he deserved to be loved. He was mine, I was his, and that was all that mattered.
Since that afternoon a few days before Christmas, it had been the happiest time of my life. Swept up in the Crewe family celebrations, no meetings with Shelton, I was temporarily free to be a one person instead of two, young, happy and in love.
