She turned her face away from Tivernius, so that only I could see the oh-so-familiar little half-grin that I was seeing way too much of in FairyLand, and said "I've got a plan. Don't get in the way. Just keep me from getting roasted if it takes me a minute to get through to him."
"Alright, but if we live through this I want a big bottle of scotch for Christmas. Good scotch." I took up a position behind her and a little to one side, ready to grab her and jump as far as I could if Tivernius got tired of verbal jousting and just decided to fry Sabrina for being obnoxious. Not that I'd really blame him.
The dragon finally stood and walked to the center of the hall. "No one comes into my home, partakes of my food and drink, and then insults me, human. There must be a price for such impertinence."
"What, usually people just insult you before getting a snack? You need to upgrade to a better class of visitor, lizard-boy." I tensed to leap, but Tivernius just chuckled.
"You are amusing, human. Insufferably rude, but amusing. I will almost regret having to kill you. Almost." He tensed his shoulders and I could see the air around him begin to ripple with magic.
Sabrina's next words caught him cold, though. "You'll really regret it if you kill the last people that can reunite you with the woman you love."
Tivernius' head snapped up, mouth gaping open as Sabrina just looked at him coolly. "You heard me. Now, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to eat us, or are you going to do exactly as I tell you and get the chance to live with your love forever?"
"I would do anything to but hold her hand for one instant, human. Do not toy with me. If you make promises that you cannot keep, the consequences will be dire." How well did I know that one. My mouth is always writing checks my butt can't cash. But Sabrina doesn't have that issue, at least not normally.
"I can promise that if you will accompany us back to the great hall of Armelion, that you will be able to be with your love forever, or at least as long as she lives. But first, do you consider her an equal or a lesser being?" I had no idea where Sabrina was going with this, and as long as it meant that I didn't have to fight a dragon, I didn't care.
"Lesser? Silly human, she is so far above me it is as a sapling looking up at a star. She is the brightest light in the firmament, the tallest tree in the forest, the..."
"I get it. You love her and think she's the bee's knees." Sabrina cut in, walking back over to the table. She took a last swig of wine, grabbed a napkin and wrapped a couple of loaves of bread in it, soaking it with my leftover wine. Then she looked over at my flabbergasted partner and said, "On your feet, Greg. We're blowing this pop stand."
She came to stand with me and Tivernius, Greg hot on her heels. "Now," she said, looking at Tivernius. "When we arrive, stay out of sight. I want to announce you my way, and in my time. Okay?"
"I will do as you ask, just bring me into the presence of my lady once more." I kept looking around for the shirtless guy with flowing hair and bulging whatevers, but apparently it was only the dialogue that had devolved into bodice-ripper land, not my entire life. Tivernius waved a hand, and with a flash and a disconcerting twist of reality, we were back in Milandra's great hall. I looked around for the dragon, but could only see Sabrina and Greg.
"We have returned, Your Majesty, and we have with us the heart of the dragon!" With that, she raised the wine-soaked bundle high in the air, dripping a realistic-looking stream of blood onto the marble floor. Milandra stood, looked at the blood spilling onto her stonework, and then fell to her knees, weeping.
Chapter 18
Sabrina didn't hesitate at all, just looked at me and Greg, whispered, "Don't say a word," and ran to the distraught monarch's side. I stood right where I was, understanding through years of experience that nothing good would come from me interfering with a woman's plan, much less the plan of an armed woman who knows all the ways to kill me.
Sabrina reached the queen and knelt beside her, bag of bread on the floor just out of Milandra's reach. "What's wrong, Your Majesty? I thought you wanted the monster dead? Have we somehow displeased you?"
Greg whispered "Oscar-worthy" in a tone that only I could hear.
Milandra looked up at her cousin and in between sobs managed to say, "I loved him, you idiot human! You were supposed to try to talk your way out of a fight, and in doing so explain what I sent you for. Then he would see that I want to be with him forever and come back with you! You were never supposed to fight him! And if you did, you were never supposed to win! Now he's dead and I'll be alone forever, and it's all your fault!"
Sabrina looked back at us and tilted her head to where Tivernius was hiding behind a column. She mouthed the words keep him hidden, and I nodded at her. Then she looked down at the sobbing queen and said "My fault? How is this my fault? You sent us in search of the heart of a dragon and I brought it back to you! We have done what none of your other knights could do and now you tell me I have done it wrong? If all you wanted was a message sent to the dragon, why not simply speak plainly?"
"That is not how things are done in the realm of the Fae, human." Milandra said, pulling herself somewhat together.
"But you're not a fairy, Milandra, even if you do rule over them. And you're the queen; you can do whatever you want. So if you wanted to marry Tivernius, why not tell him?" Sabrina prodded.
"I couldn't. He was the ruler of a sovereign kingdom, as am I. A marriage between us would be more than just a love match; it would be a joining of our kingdoms. How could I know if he wanted that? Dragons are immortal, Sabrina, he would have been taking responsibility for House Armelion forever. It was much simpler before I was queen. Then I could have been his consort, with no added encumbrances. But how could I ask him to take on the care of my people after my death?" Milandra collapsed again into sobs, and Sabrina motioned for me to bring Tivernius to her.
I got almost all the way to the sobbing queen before saying, "Why not just look up and ask him, Your Majesty?"
Milandra's head snapped up, and when she saw Tivernius standing next to her she leapt to her feet and crossed the last fifteen feet in two giant leaps. He held out his arms, and the two of them collided like clichéd movie lovers running through the surf. He actually picked her up and swung around in a circle before putting her down and laying a kiss on the Fairy Queen that curled my toes, not to speak of Milandra's. I looked up at Sabrina as they broke apart, and I would almost swear that I saw a glint of a tear in her eye. She caught me looking of course, and shot me the finger, completely shattering the mood.
After the Fairy Queen and the dragon had finished making out in the great hall, Milandra turned back to Sabrina and said, "What was the purpose of your trickery, human? I should have you clapped in the stocks for this impertinence!" But we could all tell that she wasn't really angry, just a little embarrassed at spilling her heart all over the marble.
"I figure turnabout is fair play, or were you planning to tell me sometime before we left that you're my changeling cousin?" I gaped at Sabrina, and she looked over at me, laughing. "Really, Jimmy? You didn't think I knew? If I can't recognize my own family features, even inappropriately aged, I don't deserve my gold shield."
"Fair enough, I suppose. Your Majesty, we apologize for the trickery, but this is a huge decision. Tivernius is ridiculously in love with you, and you're obviously nuts about him. We just didn't want there to be any second thoughts when we brought him back here." I said to the happy couple.
"Yeah, because if we had to throw down with a dragon in your living room here, it was gonna get messy for everyone involved. Especially the architecture." Greg chimed in.
"Well, my friends, I thank you for bringing me to my love." Tivernius said. "And now, Milandra..." he looked down into her eyes and took both her small hands in his. Tivernius went to one knee on the marble floor, and looking up at Milandra like she was the only woman in the world, said, "will you be mine? Will you stand by me until we are old and stupid? Will you fight with me and beside me, will you love me no matter
how ridiculous and set in my ways I am? Will you allow me to worship you for the goddess of beauty that you are? Milandra, Queen of House Armelion, will you marry me and become Lady Tivernia?"
Milandra looked down at him and said "I will love you until my eyes no longer see. I will stand beside you until I must lay down forever. I will kiss you every day that these lips draw breath. I will be your Lady Tivernia, and you shall be King of the Armelion Fae. From this day forward may our kingdoms be forever joined." She reached down and took his face in both her hands and kissed him gently. He pulled her down to sit on his knee and began to kiss her in earnest. After a kiss long enough for me to wonder where their air was coming from, they broke apart to a loud cheer. I spun around and saw that out of nowhere a crowd of fairies and humans several thousand strong had filled the great hall, all cheering and waving small flags with pictures of fairies riding dragons on them. I don't care how long I live, I'll never get used to magic.
Chapter 19
The celebration lasted well into the night, and it was with a thumping head the next morning that I dragged myself into the great hall. I’ve never figured out how I can be dead for decades and still get hangovers, but it happens. Milandra's throne had been joined by one in Tivernian gold on the dais, and the king and queen were already in place when I staggered in with a cup of blood that had been thoughtfully left by my bedside. At least the fairies understood enough to provide beds for Greg and me instead of coffins or some other stupidity.
"Good morning, Majesties." I saluted them with my cup, and they raised goblets of their own in return. "What's on the agenda for today? Are we going to annex any other kingdoms, or can my friends and I get on with the real purpose of our visit?"
"I have not forgotten your troll problem, vampire." Milandra replied. "The entourage from the Unseelie should arrive shortly, then we can have an answer for your questions and you may return home."
"Thanks. Now, before they get here, maybe you could give me a little heads-up on exactly what an Unseelie is?" I nodded to Greg as he wandered in with his own cup of blood. If he was feeling anything like me this morning, the room service was gonna be a big help. Who knew fairy booze was strong enough to get a vampire drunk enough to karaoke? And who knew there was karaoke in FairyLand?
"The Unseelie are sometimes considered the Dark Fae. They are cousins to the fairies you know, but their magic is practiced not to create, but to destroy. They use their martial abilities to enslave, not to protect. They do not typically discuss, preferring to destroy. In short, they are the antithesis of everything we strive to be. They keep trolls as bodyguards and servants, while we destroy the loathsome creatures on sight. If there are trolls making their way into the mundane realms, no doubt the Unseelie will know about it." Milandra explained, looking all the while like she'd eaten something sour. Apparently the Unseelie were a bit of an unpleasant topic among the Armelion Fae.
"As usual, human, you prove your ignorance with every syllable." An oily voice came from behind me, and I whirled to see a seven-foot tall fairy standing far too close for comfort. Clad all in black, his white hair made a sharp contrast to his ensemble, and his dark eyes scanned the room for threats like a tiger in a cage. He carried two long swords with hilts showing signs of use, and a dagger protruded from the top of each knee-high boot. I thought I saw a couple of small blades tucked into his gloves as well, but I couldn't be sure. What I could be sure of was that this dude was bad news, and that he'd somehow gotten close enough to stab me in the back without me ever hearing him enter the room. I pretty much hated him on sight, and by the look he gave me I'd say the feeling was mutual.
"Count Darkoni, you are welcome to my hall and my lands. I pledge you and yours safe passage and lodging as long as you reside here and maintain the peace with my people and other guests." Milandra stood stiffly in front of her throne; hand on the hilt of a sword I'd never seen before. The pommel was plain steel, the first iron I'd seen since coming to FairyLand, and the scabbard showed signs of plenty of use.
"Fear not, little queen. We shall behave ourselves while we are here. And if we do not, I have no doubt you will enjoy feeding us to your husband. But do tell me this, my dear, do his scales scratch? In bed, I mean." The tall fairy smiled a slimy smile, and I couldn't resist. I reached out and grabbed the top of one pointy ear, twisting it until he brought his head down to my eye level.
"Apologize." I said through gritted teeth.
"What?" said the astonished fairy, while batting at my hand ineffectually.
"Apologize to the Queen or I will rip your ear off. You see, I'm not from here, and I don't play by your rules. So apologize for being a douche, and I'll let you go."
"I will not forget this, vampire." He hissed, eyes filling with tears as I continued to twist. The pointy ears gave me so much more cartilage to work with than normal, it made for a great piece of leverage. "I apologize for my impertinence, Your Majesty."
I looked up at Milandra, who looked like she was trying very hard not to laugh. "Apology accepted, Count Darkoni. James, please release the count." I let go of the rude fairy's ear, and he stood up, backing out of arm's reach quickly. He backed up right into Sabrina, who had just entered the hall munching on a piece of fruit. She gave the black-clad giant a thoughtless shove, and his momentum carried him all the way to the floor.
"Sorry," mumbled Sabrina around a mouthful of fruit. "Didn't see you there." The count clambered up from the floor in a creak of armor and a rattle of hidden blades, glowering around the room as everyone very carefully did not laugh at his discomfort.
"Now, Your Majesty, why have you beckoned me here? Do you tire of your lizard king already? My offer still stands, even if you are now used goods." He started to say something else, but before he got another word out, Greg and I were beside him, our hands on his sword hilts. We might have been a little hung over, but we were still fast.
"Look, count. Let me explain something to you very clearly. I don't care who you are, or what you are, but you will be polite to the Queen while I am here. If you are not, I will drink every drop of fairy blood that runs through your veins, and not even give you the courtesy of a belch. Now am I understood?"
Darkoni looked down at me, a slight smile playing across his lips. "I understand that you will make every effort to avenge the honor of the queen. I also understand that if you so much as twitch, your head will be crushed by my bodyguard, Thorgun." I felt the presence of something very large behind me, and a hand very gently covered my head. My whole head, from crown to jaw, fit inside the huge, smelly troll hand that descended from above me. Thorgun didn't speak or even put any pressure on my scalp, he just rested his hand on my head, holding it like I could hold a baseball.
"Now, why don't we all sit down and behave like civilized beings. Even those of us who obviously are not." Darkoni said, and the hand disappeared from my head. I turned around and looked up, way up and his troll bodyguard. He had nothing on Tivernius' dragon size, but at nine and a half feet tall with fingers as big around as my wrists, I didn't want to arm-wrestle him anytime soon.
"What a lovely idea, Count Darkoni." Milandra said, as though no insults or threats had been exchanged. She waved her hands and a table appeared with chairs sized for all the occupants, even Thorgun and his twin bodyguard, who flanked Darkoni. The Unseelie count had brought a retinue of about half a dozen fairies with him, but the trolls were the real muscle. Both of them made the one we fought outside the bar look like a half-grown kid, and they both had hammers hanging over their shoulders with heads bigger than a dishwasher. We took our seats, our team on one side, the Unseelie entourage on the other side, and Milandra got right down to business.
"Count Darkoni, we have called you here to inquire why there have been troll attacks on changelings in the mundane world. Would you care to enlighten us?" The Fairy Queen asked, and when I glanced back at her I saw that she had magically transformed into her robes of state and crown. Tivernius was decked out, too, and a golden circlet rest
ed on his head to match the silver one on Milandra's brow.
"I would love to, Your Majesty, if I had any inkling of what you are talking about." The Unseelie count had transformed his wardrobe as well, now garbing himself in robes of deepest black velvet with black fur trim. A black circlet capped his brow, with a large red stone in the center. The stone pulsed rhythmically, almost as if it were in time to a heartbeat somewhere. I looked down to see if my clothes were any different, but it was the same armor I'd put on when I fell out of bed in the morning. Oh well, can't have everything.
"Please, Your Excellence, do not play ignorant with us. Your tribe has long held enmity for the changelings, and you have much truck with the trolls. If you are not behind these attacks, then who?" Milandra seemed almost to be enjoying the jousting with the snotty fairy, but I wasn't sure she was going to get anywhere.
"Of course we loathe the changelings, but it is you humans that we would exterminate, not the innocent Fae that you cast out like so much unwanted livestock! We are the rightful lords of this realm, and bringing humans here to rule over us is an affront to all we hold dear. So my dear queen, if we wanted to attack anyone, it would be you." Darkoni smiled and leaned back in his chair. "I suppose if that is all you have to ask, then we will accept our payment and leave." He reached for a small bag lying on the table beside Milandra's hand, and she clasped her hand over his wrist before he could withdraw.
Black Knight 02 - Back in Black Page 9
