by Katie Cross
The fact that Benjamin saw the relationship so differently than me set all of this on a different axis. Should I have told him point-blank that, like my mom, I showed my love through giving? That food and care was a comfort, but really just a way to connect? To create stronger bonds? It fed my soul to be part of their lives.
To be part of something.
No, it wouldn't have mattered. Whatever fear he battled was deeper than me taking care of them. He'd already decided that things wouldn't work. The only person that could convince him that we'd work was him. His fear was Sadie-deep, and the only person to swim those waters was Ben.
Somehow, he'd managed to pull Sadie into what we had. That I could barely comprehend his reasons—as sincere as he seemed them to be—made it almost impossible to understand.
Two more tears slid free, scouring my already painful cheeks from the previous hour of crying. Did he deserve this kind of response? This level of pain? We'd only kissed a few times. And, as soul-turning as it had been, he was right. We really hadn't been on a date. Everything between us was the result of working together for Ava. Passionate exchanges. Him helping me navigate this strange world of Talmage's new addiction. Was my heartbreak pre-emptive or excessive?
What did it matter? The pain was real. The loss was even more real.
The loft lay in almost-darkness when I wrapped myself up in a blanket and lowered onto the couch, eyes stinging and puffy. The cushions felt cool beneath my cheek, and a breeze wafted inside from an open window. Sounds of Pineville at night followed, and the sense of not being alone was oddly soothing.
Finally, my tears slowed.
Eventually, my thoughts cleared, then shuttered themselves into neat little lines.
There would be no getting through to Benjamin from my end. Even if he came over tonight and said he wanted to try again, I'd send him away until he faced whatever Sadie demon still worked within him.
But I had my life to think about now.
This situation meant some potentially awkward moments after I took care of Ava, but if I played it right, Ben and I could almost avoid each other. As long as I knew when he would be home, I'd be ready to leave the moment he stepped inside. With summer here, I could easily walk back to the Frolicking Moose in the daylight, and Pineville wasn't that scary anyway. After a week or two, it would be tolerable, I was sure.
Knowing that there would be no more of his smell wrapped around me, however, gave me a physical pain. No more making myself at home in his space. No more feeling safe. The loss of such security crushed my very heart.
One week. I'd give Benjamin one more week to sort through the Sadie monster. If he still wasn't ready to face the truth, I would leave. If he didn't do that within the next week, would he do it at all? Seeing him at night when he returned from work would help me gage whether the budding relationship we had would live or die. If he worked out his Sadie issues, I'd know it by then.
And if not?
I'd stay long enough to find someone for Ava, then I'd move onto my next place. Tomorrow, I'd start to find backup locations for a mountain summer. There had to be thousands of other small mountain towns that could fill my desire for a summer in the sky.
Good plan, I thought, feeling marginally better. The plan behind me wasn't one I wanted, but I had no choice. It left me in a glum, morose mood, but that would eventually lift as the excitement of a new adventure followed.
I hoped.
My eyes fluttered shut. I tried to block out all sounds, afraid that if I listened too hard, I'd hear the crack of my own heart.
I woke up at 5:30, my neck tight and head swimming like a thick liquid filled it. Bleary-eyed, I struggled to the bathroom, splashed cold water on my face, and completely avoided the mirror.
A cup of coffee revived enough humanity that I was able to stumble into my jeans and t-shirt, slide on my tennis shoes, and shove a pair of reading glasses over my eyes to hide the evidence of tears. My hair went into a sloppy ponytail that sprouted curls like a chia pet down my back, but at least it was out of my face.
With every breath, I avoided thinking of Benjamin.
A brief review of last night after restless sleep didn't paint any prettier of a picture. Just thinking about what he said sent hot prickles back to my eyes. I pushed them back. Normally, I'd sleep off a spurt of heartbreak and be ready to plan the next stop in the morning. Today, I just felt groggy. Worse.
No, I could do this.
I'd go to work, pick up Ava, and live the same day I'd already lived many times. The end of the day, however, would be different this time. That was fine. I could figure this out. I'd done scarier things before.
When my phone buzzed, I snatched it off the floor so fast it flew out of my hands and I bobbled it for five seconds. Once it rested firmly in my clutches, Ben's name flashed across the screen. I had to stop and let out a long breath. My heart raced. A daydream of a text that said, I'm sorry, come back. I thought about it all night and I totally screwed up, slipped through my mind.
Finally, I rallied my courage and opened the stupid thing.
Benjamin: I realized while I was sick that I'm not as essential at work as I thought. I'm going to start leaving work at four, so Ava can come to the MMA Center after school and I'll take her home. Then I can spend more needed time with her. Hopefully this softens things for you a bit. I hope you're doing okay with everything. Let me know if I can help with Talmage.
Any hope in my chest withered and died.
He didn't need me.
And now he'd just taken Ava from me.
Like a machine, I grabbed my keys. My backpack. Parts of my heart died with every beat as I shut the door quietly behind me and slipped down the stairs.
Cool, morning air rushed across my face as I stepped outside and around the Frolicking Moose, headed toward the Diner. Cars slipped in and out of the drive-through of the Frolicking Moose while Ellie bustled around inside, surprisingly alert for such a starkly early hour. She gave me a quick wave through the windows as I passed the porch, her dark hair glossy in the growing daylight.
I stopped halfway across the parking lot and gazed across the street. The MMA Center cast light onto their parking lot in the still-quiet morning. A few early-morning bodies worked out at the equipment. I could just make out the figure of the woman I'd seen there before, running it instead of Ben.
My jaw tightened. Then I can spend more needed time with her. Yes, Benjamin absolutely needed to spend more time with Ava. Hadn't I encouraged him to do that? To leave work early and come be home with her? He was only doing what was absolutely necessary, particularly in light of what Ava had revealed about Sadie's underhanded tactics.
But he wasn't supposed to do it to the exclusion of me, I thought.
My fist tightened.
Well, that text certainly sealed the deal, didn't it? There would be no ascertaining whether he was working through his issues now. No seeing him. I'd been shuttled out of his life without a chance to even say goodbye to Ava. He'd made it perfectly clear where we stood. I turned and stalked into the Frolicking Moose.
Ellie glanced up, one eyebrow lifted. She took me in with a quick glance. “You good?” she asked.
“No. Do you have a piece of paper?”
“Sure.”
A plain white paper and pen found their way to the counter seconds later. She didn't ask questions as I scrawled across the front.
This is my official two weeks notice, given May 23rd. My last day of work will be June 6th.
* * *
Serafina Courdray
Ellie studied me as I shoved the pen back toward her. “Ben's an idiot, isn't he?” she asked.
“The biggest,” I snapped.
Her cool gaze met mine. “Whatever he did to break your heart, I'm sorry.”
Somehow, despite not knowing any details, there was real sorrow in her voice. Ellie, the sharpest, toughest girl I had ever met, spoke with experience in her moderated tone. In that moment, I felt a bond with her. A sen
se of broken-heart camaraderie. Tears filled my eyes, but I blinked them back.
“Me too,” I whispered.
She tapped her teeth together, as if considering something. When the bell rang indicating a new customer in the drive-through, she ignored it to quietly say, “The first few months are the worst. Eventually, you learn how to live without them again, which brings its own sorrow. I hope healing for you is quick.”
With that, she spun on her heels and headed to the window. I watched her go, my stomach in a knot, until I found the strength to turn away.
The fresh air jolted me back to reality again. Although rage still simmered in the background, and I deeply dreaded work today, Ellie was right. Her brief moment reminded me that I had approached all of this wrong. I had to think of getting through this differently.
Smaller.
Today, I just had to get through the day without crying on a customer. That would be my ultimate goal.
The first everything after a breakup was always the hardest. First day. First week. First laugh. First date. I just had to re-learn that I could still exist without them. Had to re-learn that the world moved on, and so could I. The first day of that months-long process was always the hardest.
Today. I just had to get today behind me.
The backlights to the counter were still off when I stepped inside the Diner, slapped my paper on the counter in front of Bert, and looked him straight in the eye. Dagny, only a few steps away, eyed the paper.
Then she gasped.
“Sorry, Bert,” I said. “But it's time for me to leave.”
27
Benjamin
The new take-care-of-Ava-without-Serafina plan seemed almost foolproof. Right now, it might be the only way I could take care of Sera, the way she always took care of us.
After school, Ava would get off the bus at the same stop by the grocery store, but instead of going to the Diner, she'd walk to the MMA Center. She'd hang out at the office with me for half an hour and do her homework while I finished up.
Then we'd leave at four every day to go home, do chores, play. I'd cook dinner. She could have bathtime, then go to bed after we read her books to practice. It's what we'd done before . . . sort of. If getting home at eight or nine at night constituted routine. The new plan offered everything she needed, and those needs were fulfilled by her actual parent. Routine. Parental guidance. Positive reinforcement.
Except I had no idea how to realistically make this happen.
First, I had no idea how to fix meals that she'd ravenously eat, the way she did for Serafina. Ava rarely liked what I had attempted in the past, and the fights it bred over dinner weren't worth the work. I'd have to look into a meal delivery service, which was unlikely in the mountains. Or, maybe, just learn simpler stuff. Spaghetti that didn't taste like watered-down tomato soup with firm noodles, for one.
Second, laundry, housework, oil changes, grocery shopping, and a dozen other adult things had to fit in this plan somewhere. I hated doing all of that, but a maid service felt too much like a privacy invasion. Plus, Ava had to learn to do chores, but someone also had to teach her, and that person had to be me. Serafina had created a chore chart somewhere, but I'd already lost it.
Third, my plan still didn't address the fact that Sadie had hated my guts and made it her life mission to turn Ava against me. Nothing but figuring out how to talk to Ava about her mother would fix that problem. That conversation? Ticking time bomb.
Finally, none of this involved Serafina. And that was a much bigger problem than I originally anticipated on every single level.
I frowned at my phone as I considered the text message I'd just sent her. Had she seen it? In hindsight, it sounded too abrupt. I'd just been spinning the idea out and wanted to give her an out. A reason to avoid the awkwardness of seeing me after last night, particularly with all Talmage had given her to worry about. She needed less on her plate, not more, and not dealing with a sassy first-grader would surely lighten her load.
Amidst all this was the undeniable truth that last night, she'd single-handedly given me the emotional smackdown of my life. Not even talking to my ailing mother, who had also called yesterday, had been so devastating. No one could wound me like Sera. Not even Sadie, which seemed like it meant something.
My thoughts spun back over Serafina's challenge regarding Sadie. The sorrow in her eyes hit me harder than anything else. Was she right about that? Of course she was probably right, because it hurt like a beast to think about and I'd been avoiding it all this time. Just like I avoided coming home.
Why did I do that?
And now that I had an opportunity to be home more, why did it tighten my throat?
With a ragged, sleep-deprived sigh, I ran a hand through my hair. A quiet voice appeared at my elbow, and I glanced over to see Ava standing there.
“I'm ready for school,” she said, a new, bright teal lunchbox in hand. “Serafina is picking me up after school today, right? It's milkshake day and I'm so excited! Bert said I could try the birthday cake one with sprinkles in it!”
A groan escaped me and I slapped a hand against my face. I'd totally forgotten that I still had to talk to Ava about our new arrangement. And we needed to talk about her deceitful, deceased mother. Not to mention her reading schedule. Which, according to her teacher, had been improving since Serafina's work with her before bed. What books did they read anyway?
“Okay.” I grabbed the SUV keys. “One thing at a time, Mercedy. Let's get this day over with.”
Ava's nose scrunched. “Are you talking to yourself?”
I put a hand on her shoulder and wheeled her to the door. “It's a dad thing, just ignore me.”
She giggled. “Sera does it too.”
That certainly didn't help. While Ava buckled into the back seat, I backed the SUV out of the driveway with Serafina's voice ringing through my head.
If this is the path you want, I need you to be sure. Once I leave, I won't be coming back.
Asking her to come back solely for my own comfort was out of the question, but I couldn't say I hadn't considered it. I'd never ask her to return to our lives just to take care of us. If Serafina came back, it had to be for all the right reasons. The ones that, when I thought about it, Sadie seemed to block.
Unfortunately, I had no idea what the hell I wanted anymore.
My fingers drummed the counter later that afternoon as I strove to keep my tone moderated. Ava and I had just returned home and I'd already snapped at her. She'd given me attitude back and I'd just barely escaped a yelling match.
Off to a great start in our new world.
“Ava! Why is your backpack in the middle of the floor?” I cried.
Her voice was muffled as she called back.
“I don't know.”
With a sharp intake of breath, I forced myself to cool down. A long day at the MMA Center didn't help this situation feel any easier. Every twenty seconds, all day long, I found myself staring at the Diner, praying for a glimpse of wild curly hair and bright eyes. No such luck occured, which left me in a truly foul mood.
“Come pick your mess up!” I called, then added tightly, “Please.”
Ava flounced down the stairs with a hum, skipped to her backpack, and tossed it onto the peg near the back door. While I shuffled through the mail, she picked up her shoes and socks, set them on the mat at the door. A rice package that was supposed to be mixed with chicken bubbled on the stovetop. I'd forgotten lunch again, and felt ravenous now. It would be too salty for my usual taste, but the pre-cooked chicken that whirred in the microwave right now was too easy to ignore for dinner tonight. My head pulsed with a headache, anyway, and I still had hours to go in the day.
With no Serafina at the end of it.
My phone rang in my pocket when Ava faded out of the room again. Maverick. Awesome. The last person I wanted to talk to was my insufferable brother. I declined the call.
“Daddy!” Ava called from the other room. “I'm hungry! Can I have an ap
ple flower with peanut butter in the middle of it? The way Sera does it.”
What was an apple flower?
“You can get an apple from the fridge,” I replied and shoved the phone back into my pocket.
“I want it with petals on the plate!”
What on earth was she talking about? Apples didn't have petals.
“What?”
“The way Sera does it!” she shrieked, apparently at the end of her patience as well.
“Well, I'm not Sera,” I snapped. “They taste exactly the same no matter how you eat it. If you want the apple, get it from the fridge.”
My phone rang again. Agitated, I ripped it out of my pocket, answered it, and snapped, “What?”
“Well, good day to you, brother.”
Maverick's rolling voice set my teeth together. I wanted to smack the smugness out of his tone. Instead, I shoved a hand through my hair.
“What do you want, Mav?”
“Just calling to ask what the hell happened.”
My stomach clenched. “What do you mean?”
“Saw Sera at the Diner today. She looked like she'd been crying all night and Bert had her behind the counter instead of taking her usual tables. She wouldn't even look at me.”
“Sounds tough,” I muttered because I had no idea what else to say. Behind me, Ava muttered under her breath with mutinous rage as she grabbed an apple and stepped outside on the back porch.
“You're an asshole.”
“You have no idea what's going on with Serafina,” I shot back. “Why don't you reserve judgment until you have more information? Which, at this rate, will be never. I don't feel like talking to you, Mav.”
“You broke it off.”
“Not . . . exactly. You can't break what wasn't defined,” I muttered.
“Bonehead point, bro. You need her, Ben. She's a freaking angel to put up with you, first of all, and you're not going to find that again. Secondly, you love her. Try to deny it, I dare you. Third, have you thought about that little girl that also adores Serafina?”
