by Ali Dean
“Jace missed practice today,” Frankie tells me quietly. “Do you know where he is?”
“He missed a lunch date with me, too. And I haven’t heard anything from him since this morning.”
Frankie, who is usually playful and friendly, curses harshly under his breath. “He’s never missed a practice. He’s the quarterback. The practice today was supposed to be centered around him. The coaches were pissed. Beyond pissed.”
A shiver runs down my spine. Even when Jace was partying hard in high school, he was still extremely committed to football. Something is very wrong. “Has anyone been able to get in touch with him?”
Frankie shakes his head. “We left our place together this morning. He had Business Management first thing, I know that.”
“My roommate is in that class,” I say. “I’ll see if she saw him there. But honestly, she would have told me if there was anything weird.”
Frankie hunches his shoulders, nodding. It’s disconcerting seeing such a big guy freaked out like this. He’s Jace’s sidekick in college, and at times acts like his personal bodyguard. A small part of me is comforted that someone else is worried about Jace, but mostly I’m trying not to hyperventilate with panic.
I haven’t touched my dinner yet, but after talking with Frankie the thought of food makes me nauseated. My stomach is in knots. I pull Lexi away from the group and ask if Jace was in class today.
“Yeah, I saw him. He said hi. Why?”
“Did you notice anything off?”
She thinks for a moment before responding. “Not that I can think of.”
“Did you see where he went after class?”
She shakes her head. “It’s a big class. What’s going on?”
I rub my temples, feeling a headache coming on. “I’ll tell you later, okay? I just, I need to get going for now.”
Lexi blinks at me a few times, trying to figure me out, but I just grab my dinner tray and dump the food on my way out. Gina would be pissed if she saw how much food I wasted, but that’s the least of my concerns right now.
As soon as I leave the cafeteria, I realize that my search and rescue plans will be difficult to execute without a car. I’ve gotten so used to not needing a car on campus, it’s easy to forget that some places are a lot easier to get to with one. I spin around and head back inside. Trying to ignore the curious looks from Jace’s teammates, I find Frankie sitting with the team. His back is to me and I have to tap him awkwardly on the shoulder to get his attention.
He turns to look at me, confused. I open my mouth to ask if we can use his car, but the silence at the table makes me hesitate. Everyone is watching us, wondering what I’ll say. They know I’m Jace’s girlfriend, and they know he wasn’t at practice today. A lump forms in my throat. I don’t want to fuel the rumor mill. Frankie finally realizes my dilemma and stands up, placing a hand on my shoulder and steering me away.
When we’re out of earshot, I ask if he wouldn’t mind driving me around to look for Jace, and he agrees at once. We’re out the door, in his car, and driving down Shadow Lane within minutes. Jace and I grew up on Shadow Lane, a residential street not far from the UC campus. We pass my apartment building, where Gran still lives, and pull up to the Wilders’ bi-level house. Jace’s Jeep isn’t here, but maybe his dad, Jim, will have some answers.
Frankie follows me to the door, and when no one answers, I punch in the garage code. Frankie doesn’t question me when I lead him to Jace’s old bedroom on the lower floor. He doesn’t live here anymore, but it’s still his. As I begin to rummage through his closet and drawers, Frankie asks roughly, “What are you looking for?”
Sighing, I throw up my hands. “I have no idea!”
Frankie smiles at me, amused by my frantic search for nothing in particular. I can’t help my smile back. “This is stupid. I just thought I might find some clue about where he went.”
“Is it weird his dad isn’t home?”
“No, Jim has a new girlfriend and he’s probably with her.” Jim dated a woman named Sheila for over a year, but he’s been back on the market for a few months. I can’t tell if this new one is going to be serious or not. Jim’s dating life has never really affected his relationship with his son or with me, so it doesn’t matter much to me.
“Well, where to next, then?” Frankie asks.
“His mom’s place.”
“Lead the way.”
No one’s at Annie’s apartment either, and I don’t have a key to investigate, so we head to the library next. Jace sometimes studies at the Brockton Public Library, where his mom works, instead of at the campus libraries. But when we get there, we discover it’s closed for the night.
We sit in the parking lot, quiet. “Any other ideas?” Frankie’s voice is soft.
I shake my head before checking my phone for the zillionth time. Nothing. Lexi tried calling once, but that’s it. We could go to my apartment – my old home – on Shadow Lane, but I don’t want to alarm Gran. Not yet, at least.
“Maybe we should just go back to our places and wait for him to show up or call us, huh?” Frankie offers.
“Or we could keep driving around town to every spot he might be,” I suggest. I’m only half-kidding. Though driving around is unlikely to be fruitful, the idea of waiting in my dorm room for him depresses me. I’m wound tight with worry by now.
“Should we check the hospital or the jail?” I wonder.
Frankie’s whole body freezes at this. “You think?”
“I don’t know what else to do.” My voice is shaking and wobbly and I hardly recognize it.
“What about calling his parents?”
I’ve already thought of that. “I’m giving it another hour before I call them.” At this point, I can’t imagine anything other than an emergency is keeping Jace from answering his phone or telling anyone where he’d be. But something is stopping me from calling in the forces. Campus security, the police, his parents, Gran… it’s just too much. “One more hour, and then we’ll call in reinforcements, okay?”
“It’s just, his parents might know where he is,” Frankie offers.
“I know, we’ll call them soon.”
Frankie backs out of his parking spot, returning to campus. There’s still a small part of me that hopes this is all some wild misunderstanding. That Jace had some first-day-of-school field trip he forgot about and didn’t bring his phone. Or maybe his car broke down somewhere and his battery died. Nothing really makes sense though, because cell phones are easy to borrow from people, and he could have called someone – me, Frankie, his coach – to let us know what was going on. All I can think is that he’s unconscious somewhere, unable to get help. That he was hit by a car and left on the side of the road. Images of his bloody body assault me as the possibilities run through my mind. Before I know it, we’ve pulled into my dorm parking lot and my entire body is shaking.
Frankie places his hand on my arm. “Pepper, you’re white as a sheet, let me walk you up.”
I shake my head. “No, you should go back to your place. Maybe Jace is there. Maybe he fell asleep by accident or something. Check his room.”
Frankie watches me cautiously as I climb out of his car. My body won’t stop shaking as I make my way up three flights of stairs. All I can think is that Jace is most likely in the hospital. Hurt. Broken.
I can’t lose him. I just can’t. He’s my best friend. Family. And the love of my life. I can’t even imagine a world without Jace Wilder in it.
A surge of panic and pain hits me as I reach the landing, and I have to clutch the wall not to stumble backward and fall down the stairs. But just as I start to lose my balance, firm, strong arms catch me around the waist and hold me in place.
The familiar scent of laundry detergent and pine body wash assaults me and the relief is so bone deep that I do actually lose my footing, collapsing.
“Jace,” I whisper. “You’re here.”
Chapter 6
“I’m here,” he murmurs, and a new scent hit
s me. Liquor.
I turn to face him. His eyes dart over my face, confusion and something else showing in him.
“Have you been drinking?” I don’t even try to fight the accusatory tone in my voice. What the hell? I thought he was dying or something. And he was drinking? My previous pain and desperation are quickly replaced by red-hot fury.
Jace blinks, as if in a trance. When a couple of girls race pass us in the stairwell, giggling, Jace lifts me up off my feet. “Let’s go to your room to talk.”
“I can walk fine.” I resist his hold and break free, fishing my keys out of my pocket as we enter the common area of our suite. Lexi is sitting on the couch with Gina. Both look up from reading their textbooks when we come in. I smile tightly without saying a word, heading straight to my room.
Jace follows me and when we’re alone in my room, I spin to face him. “First you need to call Frankie,” I order harshly. “We were about to call the police.” Okay, so we hadn’t actually discussed calling the police, but he needs to realize how worried we were. Terrified, in fact.
“Can I use your phone?” he asks.
I hand it over to him, watching him closely as he scrolls through my contacts and finds Frankie. Though I’m eager for an explanation, if Frankie was half as worried as I was, he deserves to know Jace is here, in one piece.
I watch Jace carefully as he talks to Frankie. He apologizes, but he doesn’t sound especially guilty, and offers no explanation. Frankie must not push him, because the phone call ends in less than a minute.
As soon as he’s off, I cross my arms and let loose. “What the hell, Jace? Where have you been? First, you’re a no-show at lunch with no explanation, then I find out from Frankie you ditched practice without telling a soul.” I’m yelling and I’m sure my roommates can hear, but I couldn’t care less. He’s just standing there, hardly showing any emotion. He’s put up a wall, I can see that immediately. He hasn’t done this to me in a long time. And I’m determined to break through it.
“Frankie and I drove around town looking all over for you. I was about to start searching the hospital and the jail. I thought you were dead!” Okay, so I’m being a bit dramatic. I realize I’m even crying now. A complete and total hot mess. But does he have any idea how scared he had me? And he just shows up with liquor on his breath, completely unharmed?
Jace’s wall is still there when he approaches me. He doesn’t have far to go in my tiny dorm room. But when he says, “I’m sorry,” it doesn’t make me feel any better. I want his comfort more than anything, but he’s still rigid, giving away nothing.
“Well? Are you going to tell me what’s going on? Where you’ve been and why you didn’t tell anyone?” I still sound hysterical. His closeness would normally calm me but with the way he’s acting, he might as well be a brick wall.
“I went to the library after my morning class,” he says calmly. “I didn’t have another class for a while and I thought I’d stop by and bring some coffee to Annie before meeting you for lunch.”
Immediately, I tense at that name. Annie. His mother. He’s been calling her “Mom” for a long time now, but she’s Annie again. This can’t be good.
“She wasn’t at the library. The other librarian said she didn’t show up for work and wasn’t answering her phone. So I went to Annie’s apartment.” He is so matter-of-fact, like he’s relaying someone else’s story. “It was locked but I have a key. When I went in, everything was gone. It was empty.” His voice cracks slightly, and that tells me he’s not entirely numb. But mostly, I’m shocked by what he’s just said.
“Empty?” I repeat, unsure I’m understanding correctly.
“Empty. A few things in the fridge, and that’s it.”
“When was the last time you saw her?”
“Sunday morning. We had breakfast. She was a little distant, but I didn’t think much of it.”
“So what did you do when you saw her place was empty? Did you get in touch with her?”
He shakes his head. “While you were looking for me, I was looking for her. I’m sorry I didn’t call. But, um, I broke my phone.”
He’s looking down at his feet sheepishly, but I still ask. “How did it break?”
“I threw it against the wall at Annie’s place,” he admits.
This doesn’t surprise me, but it does send another round of pain through me on Jace’s behalf, knowing how upset he must have been to find Annie’s place empty. I don’t mention that he could’ve found another means to reach me, Frankie, or his coach.
His excuse isn’t good enough for me to instantly forgive him, but I can’t even imagine what he’s thinking and feeling right now. All I know is that I hurt so much for him. His mother just abandoned him. Again. After rebuilding his trust. The pain I feel for Jace cuts me deep, but I stand strong for him.
“Where did you look?” I ask quietly, gently, like my voice might send him over the edge. God, and I was yelling at him a moment ago.
His head snaps up and for the first time since he found me in the stairwell, emotion flashes across his face. Anger. Fury. It’s utterly unfiltered rage, and it has me gasping in shock. And fear.
“I went to the fucker’s office,” he bites out. It takes me a second to realize he means Lance, whom we haven’t spoken of since we met him over two weeks ago. “First thing I saw were the photos of his wife and kids on his desk, on the walls, all over the office. And his fucking wedding band.” As quickly as the emotions flashed, he has detached himself again. I don’t doubt that the anger is simmering just beneath the surface. I’m almost afraid to hear the rest of this story.
“I asked him where Annie was but he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about. I pressed hard, but I think he was telling the truth.”
I skim Jace up and down now, but see no signs of physical violence. Still, I have to ask. “Did you hurt him?”
“I threw a few punches where it counts. He’ll be hurting for a few weeks but I’m holding off with the threat to tell his family about his affair. I need to keep that to hold over him.”
“Jace! You could get in serious trouble for assault. You could lose your scholarship.” You could lose everything, I want to tell him. All because of his mother.
He doesn’t react. “That’s what I mean. He won’t press charges because then I would tell his wife about the affair. Or she’ll figure it out from the charges on her own.”
This is messed up. Jace was calculated. He went to some virtual stranger’s office and beat the crap out of him. He expects no repercussions. Or he simply doesn’t care. It’s the possibility of the latter that really has me worried. If he destroyed his phone and threw punches, that means he really lost it.
“He told me Annie found out he was married two days ago, on Monday.” She left because of that? She abandoned her only son, for a second time, because she had an affair with a married man? I knew she was a weak and selfish person. I knew it.
“I’ve been trying to find out where the fuck she went all day. All I can think is she relapsed, was ashamed to admit it, and is hiding out. I have to find her before it’s too late.”
“Too late for what?” She’s gone, Jace. It’s already too late.
“A relapse is okay, she can still get back on track. But she needs help or else she’ll fall back into that lifestyle. If I find her, she might still have her apartment, her job.” Jace might still be able to forgive her, keep the relationship they’ve been building for over a year now.
“Maybe she’ll come back.” But I don’t really mean it. She’s gone. I am certain of it.
“If I don’t hear from her tomorrow, I’m filing a missing person’s report,” Jace announces.
“I was about to do the same for you,” I blurt, still angry. Maybe it’s mostly directed at his mother, but I hate that she can make him completely forget everything else in his world. That she has that power over him. I know that he’s trying to forget the world around him because he’s protecting himself. Because if he takes his focu
s off finding her, he will feel so much hurt it might break him. He’s in denial that she’s really gone, and I’m not sure how to deal with that. Do I help him stay in denial? I’m really scared what will happen when he comes out of it.
Jace doesn’t stay. He doesn’t want my comfort. I’m not even sure why he came in the first place. He simply leaves, saying he needs to get back to his apartment and call his coach. I know I shouldn’t be hurt by his coldness, that this is how he’s coping, but I wish he would let me be there for him, like he always is for me. It feels like rejection in the worst way. Like I’m not enough.
Logically, I know that there is nothing like a mother’s love. Gran explained this to me once. Even though my own mother is dead, I still had her love, and in a way, I still do. She never gave me up voluntarily. I try to crack open a book, knowing that getting behind on my school work the very first day of college classes is a bad idea, but I can’t focus.
Instead, I poke my head into the common area of our four-bedroom dorm suite to see if anyone’s around. Lexi and Gina have put their books aside and are watching TV. I join them on the couch, a bowl of popcorn between them.
“Want some?” Lexi offers me the bowl and I gladly take a handful. I try to pass it back, but neither girl wants any and I end up eating the rest of it myself. They’re watching a reality show. Not my thing, but better than homework. It’s not doing much to distract me from the anger burning inside me. I just can’t believe Annie would disappear like this without telling Jace. It’s messed up.
“The yellow house is having people over tonight, if you guys want to go do something,” Gina suggests. Though I’m beat from the first day of classes and the emotional drain of searching for Jace, hanging out with the cross country guys sounds like a great way to get out of this funk.
Caroline opts to get started on her homework, but Gina and Lexi aren’t in the mood to study either. I don’t know if it’s because they’re sophomores, and more confident that they can get their schoolwork done eventually, or if they are just the type of people who rarely do homework. Either way, I’m happy to be going somewhere that will get me out of my own head.
