by Ali Dean
It’s hard to admit, but while Jace grieves the loss of his mother, I’m grieving the loss of high school. It makes me feel so pathetic, and I never realized how hard it would be to let that phase of my life go. Maybe it would be easier if I’d left town, like Zoe. Even after facing the reality that I am no longer a Brockton Public runner, and I’m certainly not betraying them by making UC my new team, I remain reluctant to make new memories. It still feels like by doing so, I’m replacing all the ones I have with Zoe, Charlie, Rollie, Omar, Claire, Jenny, and even Coach Tom.
Lexi’s eagerness to include me helps tremendously. It isn’t until the following Saturday, though, when I make a real commitment to making new memories. It’s the last weekend before our first official meet. We’ll be traveling to California for a big invitational. Most girls on the team stayed in on Friday night in anticipation of our long run this morning, but everyone is planning to party hard one last time for the rest of the season tonight. I’m going to go out with everyone, but my heart isn’t in it. I’m missing Jace, and I kind of want to curl up in bed and watch a movie and feel sorry for myself. At this point, it’s been three weeks since we’ve had any real substantive time together, and he’s avoided my attempts to hang out.
But then I hear the girls talking about the football team’s annual party tonight. Jace will definitely be there, I know this because that’s where he was last year on my recruit trip. Like us, it’s the football team’s last hooray before getting serious for the rest of the season.
“A bunch of the football guys were at Alberto’s last night,” Trish says. “Pepper, I had heard your boyfriend knows how to have a good time, but damn, he was something else!”
I drop my fork. “What? He was at Alberto’s?”
She hesitates before answering. “Yeah. With his teammates,” she quickly adds, and I know she must register my stricken expression. “You’re coming with us tonight, right?”
I nod, a huge lump in my throat preventing me from speaking.
“Yeah, girl,” Kiki calls from across the table. “Let’s get you out and have some fun!”
Lexi hasn’t been the only one trying to get me to check out the college night life. Kiki is a little more hesitant to pressure me, as team captain, but I can tell she thinks I’m taking things too seriously. Maybe she’s right. I feel like an idiot. Here I thought Jace was wallowing in grief, and he’s out partying. And I realize that he’s definitely one of the reasons I’ve been holding back. It’s because I feel guilty. Scratch that. Felt guilty. Because I won’t anymore. I didn’t want to have fun and enjoy myself too much because it didn’t seem fair with how much Jace was hurting. That’s over now. I’m not exactly livid, more hurt than anything, but it’s time for me to live my own life. Jace is doing it and coping how he knows how. I can’t sit around waiting for him to come to me.
I know that part of me wanted to stay home in case he needed me. His team is having one of the biggest parties of the year, and he didn’t even tell me about it. Okay, maybe I am kind of angry. I let Lexi talk me into to borrowing one of her halter dresses, which is borderline inappropriately short on me, since my legs are longer than hers. And when she offers me a “pregame” shot of tequila, I don’t hesitate. Caroline and Gina join us, and Lexi is prepared with salt and lime, showing us how it’s done. The liquid hits me in a tangy rush and I clamp my lips around the lime wedge to ease the burn. But the flavor remains on my tongue, and as the liquid warms my insides it emboldens me.
“I think we should do another,” I announce.
“Yeah, girl!” Lexi cheers.
Caroline hesitates, but nods in agreement. Gina puts her hands on her hips. “Someone’s going to need to watch over you three tonight, so I’ll be the responsible roommate.”
Lexi throws her arm around me as we walk to the party, “Dude, can we talk about how sexy you look tonight? Your Mr. Wilder is going to want to whisk you away as soon as we get there, but don’t let him.”
I giggle. I hope he does. It’s been too long. “Why shouldn’t I let him?”
“Duh!” she exclaims. “Because we’re going to get our dance on. You too, Caroline!” she calls to Caroline, who’s walking ahead of us. “Tequila gives every girl the ability to shake her booty down.”
“Did she just say shake her booty down?” Caroline asks as she slows for us to catch up.
“Or up, whichever you prefer,” Lexi says matter-of-factly.
“Sideways?” I ask.
“Just not gently,” Lexi explains. “Never shake gently,” she warns us.
“Did you take extra shots without us?” Gina asks skeptically from behind us.
“Whoa! Where did you come from?” I ask. I thought she was ahead of us.
Gina rolls her eyes. “I changed my mind. I’m getting drunk with you people. Watching this unfold is entertaining now but you’ll be driving me nuts by the end of the night if I stay sober.”
“Aha!” Lexi jumps in the air and pumps a fist. After having her arm over my shoulder, her abrupt movement makes me stumble, and then giggle. “I came prepared for this moment,” she announces, pulling the tequila bottle out of her giant purse. I wondered why she was carrying such a big bag.
Caroline’s eyes widen and she drags Lexi off the sidewalk, into someone’s front yard. “We have to hide to drink this!” she tells us in a loud whisper.
I look around. We’re probably drawing more attention to ourselves by standing on someone’s front lawn like this. Caroline plops down, cross-legged, and pulls Lexi with her. Gina shrugs and joins them on the ground and I follow suit. We’re sitting in a circle, like school children, as we pass around the bottle.
For some reason, we keep whispering. People walking along the sidewalk give us odd looks. It doesn’t make me question the grin plastered on my face. It’s the first time I’ve witnessed Caroline come out of her shell in a group setting and Gina is letting her guard down. If it takes tequila to get there, I’m okay with that.
By the time we show up at the football house, the party’s in full swing. My roommates are looking for the rest of our teammates, but my eyes are seeking out my boyfriend. When I don’t find him outside on the lawn, I meander into the house.
A popular song blares, and I find myself humming and swaying my hips as I shimmy my way through the crowd. Boy, Lexi wasn’t kidding about tequila bringing out the booty shaking. My hips have a life of their own, but my main mission at the moment is finding my boyfriend. Maybe we can forget all about Annie for the night and just get our dance on together.
The grin I’ve been wearing widens at this thought as I find my way to the kitchen. I spot the back of Jace’s head, his broad shoulders and dark hair drawing me closer. Frankie is leaving the kitchen as I enter, and when he sees me, he doesn’t greet me with the smile I expect. If I’m not mistaken, he’s cringing.
“Hey, Pepper, how’s it going?” he asks.
“It’s cool, Frankie, you?”
As he responds, I sense he’s trying to draw me out of the kitchen, and I don’t like it one bit. Turning away from him, I begin to make a beeline to Jace. I can’t wait to jump in his arms, and I hope my enthusiasm to see him will pull him out of his grief. But what I see when I step toward him makes me halt, and the grin on my face drops.
Jace is speaking with a girl. No big deal, there. But it’s the way they’re standing that cuts off my breath. She’s touching his arm, and he’s not moving away. She’s positioned herself inappropriately close, and he’s not giving her any signals to back off. Instead, his head is tilted in her direction, like he’s really trying to hear what she has to say over the blaring music. The worst part of it all is that she’s not just attractive, she’s a bombshell. Stunning. Long legs in tight booty shorts that show off the perfect curve of her waist. Gigantic boobs for such a thin person, and wavy red hair cascades over her shoulders and down her back. She’s one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen.
A small part of me wants to walk right over there and
make it clear that Jace is taken. But they look intimate and I feel like an intruder, like I shouldn’t be here at all. I spin back around, suddenly gasping for air, as I shove my way through the crowds and back outside. My roommates are still out here and they’ve found other teammates. I’m about to blow right on past them and walk myself home, but when my eyes lock on Lexi, whose eyes show concern even through a drunken haze, I change my mind.
I know I’ve already had three shots and I’m buzzing, but I reach out for her purse and she hands over the bottle. One more swig, and then I’m done with that bottle for the night. “Shall we get our booty shaking on?” I ask her, pushing down all the emotional turmoil and pain fighting to burst out of me.
“Totally girl, where’s the dance floor?” Lexi asks.
Looking around, there’s no dance floor. “We’ll just have to make one!” I declare. “The music is louder inside, but I like it out here. Let’s move the speakers.”
Lexi likes my motivation and joins me in my mission to sneak a set of speakers outside. It’s not very cloak and dagger, and I notice some of Jace’s teammates raising their eyebrows, but no one stops us. We successfully recruit Caroline and Gina to get our dance party going, and it doesn’t take long before the entire women’s cross team, and a few of the guys too, are getting our groove on on the front lawn of the football house.
I’m letting myself get lost in the beat, not caring how overtly sexy my moves are. Everyone dances like this at college parties, as far as I can tell. Besides, after what I came upon in the kitchen, it was either go home and sob alone or embrace my wild side. My wild side is sort of awesome. I bet the stunning redhead can’t dance like I can.
Our dance floor grows, and I happily lose myself in the middle of the crowd, closing my eyes and trying to let my wild side beat down my hurt and lonely side. There’s an internal battle going on inside of me, and I’m dancing my way through it. When I open my eyes, I find Clayton Dennison watching me. He’s dancing with another girl, but it’s not especially intimate. He’s not interested in her, even though she’s doing her damnedest to get her ass all up in his crotch. I don’t even try to suppress the giggle that escapes at her ridiculous antics. No one can hear me anyway.
Clayton’s eyes lighten in amusement and he flashes me a smile. My wild side is vindictive and she doesn’t mind using someone like Clayton Dennison to win the war against sad Pepper. So I don’t look away and when the song ends, Clayton leaves his dance partner and stands behind me. At first, we don’t touch as we move, but then his hands settle on my hips and I don’t stop him. This is not something a girl with a boyfriend should be doing, but I close my eyes again and let wild Pepper take over.
I don’t know how long we dance like this. But after several songs have passed and I open my eyes, the dance floor is still packed. Through the swaying bodies, a flash of shiny red hair catches my eye. I tilt my head to get a better view and what I find sobers me entirely.
She’s dancing with Jace. He’s looking right at me, and his expression remains impassive when our eyes lock with one another’s across the crowded lawn. He looks like he doesn’t care. Like none of this matters.
And just like that, my wild side is defeated.
Chapter 14
Jace
Melanie’s been talking my ear off for longer than I would normally tolerate, but I’m not myself. I’ve tried not to feel anything, tried to keep myself from drowning in blackness, but it’s not working. I throw myself into practice and workouts, and I’ve even attacked my classes with a ferocity I’ve never directed at school work before. I go out with my teammates, trying to distract myself from the ache that’s always weighing on me, sucking me down, but I don’t want to get drunk or flirt with girls. I just want Pepper.
Melanie’s apartment is across the hall from ours and she’s in my finance class. When she asked to study with me for last week’s test, I didn’t turn her down. It was another distraction. But I don’t want Melanie, and if I don’t get rid of her now, she’ll get the wrong idea. I’m so fucking tired of trying to stay away from Pepper that I don’t have the energy to shake this redhead off. When Frankie nods at me in a gesture that says he has something to say, I welcome the opportunity to detach myself from her.
“What’s up, man?” I ask as I approach.
“Pepper’s here, dude,” he tells me. “What the fuck are you doing with Melanie?” Frankie doesn’t hide his disappointment.
I shrug. “Nothing.”
“It didn’t look like nothing when Pepper walked in and saw her hanging all over you,” Frankie points out.
A bolt of panic jolts through me before I can stop it, but I quickly shut down the emotional hurricane before it can take over. After years of practice, I’m the master at controlling not only my outward display of emotion, but I’ve also got a pretty good handle on what goes on inside. Pepper’s always messed with that control, and when she became my girlfriend, I willingly gave some of it up. I can’t afford to do that anymore.
Instinct is a powerful thing. Though my instinct is to bury certain emotions, and I’m relying on that right now, I’ve also got a strong one not to hurt Pepper. To protect her. It sucks when those instincts don’t mesh. Right now, they’re in a fucking battle.
“Where is she? Is she still here?” I ask, the tremor in my voice giving away some of the war raging inside me.
Frankie shakes his head, and doesn’t say anything. He’s a terrible liar.
“Tell me, Frankie,” I say quietly, and there’s no hiding the desperation in my voice now. I crave numbness, but my panic for Pepper is making that impossible.
“She started a dance party outside with Lexi,” Frankie says.
It takes less than a minute for me to make my way to the front lawn, where bodies are swaying to a familiar pop song. And when I see her, eyes closed, lost to the music, I know why Frankie wanted to hide her whereabouts from me. She’s singing as she moves in perfect rhythm with the music, and Clayton Dennison stands behind her, and his hands hold her hips. For a brief moment, all my carefully constructed shields are ripped wide open. I’m raw and exposed. A flood begins to overtake me and I don’t realize I’m trembling until someone takes my hand and tugs me forward.
Frantically, I push back the rush of grief, anxiety, sadness, fear, and anger that intermix into a powerful weapon threatening to make me lose control of myself. Of my entire life. My fists clench, ready to fight, but it’s not Clayton I’m preparing to go against. It’s myself. I’ve never been so close to letting it all go. It’s terrifying. Using all the strength I’ve built up, I push the ugly down as far as I can, imagining that I’m stomping on it, killing it, until I feel nothing at all. By the time Pepper looks up at me, and I recognize that Melanie has plastered herself against me again, I’m fully protected. Even Pepper can’t bring me back now.
Chapter 15
My head hurts when I wake up in the morning, but I’m happy for the hangover. It’s a distraction from the pain in my heart. Because my heart literally hurts. What the hell happened last night? What has happened to my relationship with Jace? I lie in bed, replaying the events, but Jace’s blank stare at me as he danced with the stunning redhead is the only image running through my head.
I remember feeling like there were two parts of me fighting each other. The lonely and hurt Pepper and the fun and wild Pepper. But really, it’s just one me, and I’m not proud of how I dealt with my emotions last night. Drinking more and letting Clayton dance with me was immature and spiteful. It wasn’t a different person doing it. Tequila didn’t make someone else take over my body. I knew what I was doing and I wanted to hurt Jace back. It didn’t work. Instead, I saw a veil of indifference on him. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to break through it.
How could he say all those precious words about needing me in his life only weeks ago and then act like this? I check my phone and find no missed calls or texts. I’m reluctant to get out of bed, and I don’t know who else I can talk to about this.
My college friends don’t know Jace and don’t know our history. I find Wes’s number and hit call.
His voice is scratchy when he picks up. “Hello?”
“Hi Wes. Sorry, I thought you’d be up. I didn’t wake you, did I?” He’s two hours ahead in Princeton, New Jersey, so I should be safe, not that I even thought about that before calling.
“Don’t worry about it, I need to get up anyway.”
“Do you have a minute?” I ask.
“Always, Pep, what’s up?”
“Jace was with another girl at a party last night,” I tell him.
I hear a sharp intake of breath, and then silence.
“I mean,” I clarify, “he was talking to her. Not just talking, but standing close, touching. And she was drop-dead gorgeous, Wes. And then he danced with her.”
Wes sighs. “Is there something else going on? There must be something going on.”
I probably should have started out by telling him about Annie, but the redhead is the main thing on my mind. I tell him about how she left without a word, Jace flipped out, but then he came around and was fine for a little bit, still thinking she’d return. And then I tell him about the phone call from jail in California.
“After that, Jace just shut down. I’ve hardly seen him in the three weeks since then.”
“Pep, can I tell you what I think he’s doing? That’s why you called, right?”
“Tell me, Wes.” I’m already in so much pain, I don’t think what Wes says can hurt much more. Wes is Jace’s half-brother – they share the same dad – though to everyone else, they are just close friends. Wes and Jace think a lot alike, and I know Wes will have some insight for me.
“He’s pushing you away, Pep. He doesn’t want you to leave him like his mom did, so he’s controlling what happens. He’s trying to make you do it.”
I let his words settle. What he’s saying is both simple and complicated.
“Wouldn’t he just break up with me if he didn’t want to get hurt by me? Wouldn’t it make sense to hurt me first?”
