Woods, Lakeboat, Edmond

by David Mamet

  FRED: One of the guys on the boat?

  STAN: By a woman, Freddie, a woman. You remember them? Soft things with a hole in the middle.

  FRED: I remember them.

  STAN: You look down, Freddy.

  FRED: I am down.

  (Pause.)

  Why did they have to go and build a racetrack on the south side of Chicago?

  STAN: Somebody made a survey. What did you lose?

  FRED: Seven hundred bucks.

  STAN: Where'd you get seven hundred bucks?

  FRED: Around.

  STAN: Oh.

  (Pause.)

  You in trouble?

  FRED: No.

  STAN: You sure?

  FRED: Yeah.

  (Pause.)

  STAN: You sure?

  FRED: Yeah. Thank you. Yeah.

  STAN: You'd tell me if you were?

  FRED: Yeah.

  (Pause.)

  STAN: Okay you watch yourself. (He leaves the galley.)

  FRED: Thank you.

  Scene 13

  Fred on Horseracing

  FRED continues his soliloquy.

  FRED: Because it's clean. The track is clean. It's like life without all the complicating people. At the track there are no two ways. There is win, place, show, and out-of-the-money. You decide, you're set. I mean, how clean can you get? Your bet is down and it's DOWN. And the winners always pay. Something. Into the turn, backstretch, spinning into the turn and heading for home. It's poetry. It's a computer. You don't even have to look at the fucking things. It's up on the board and it's final and there are two types of people in the world.

  (Pause.)

  Next post in fifteen minutes.

  COLLINS (entering the galley): The next post is up your ass if you don't get to work.

  FRED: I'm gone.

  (FRED leaves the galley and runs into JOE on the deck.)

  JOE: (as if resuming a conversation): . . . why I never got along with women. I just had too much dynamite in me.

  FRED: . . . it happens. . . .

  (They walk down the fantail.)

  Scene 14

  Personal Sidearms

  SKIPPY and COLLINS are on the bridge.

  SKIPPY: . . . the Luger was the enlisted man's sidearm, and the Walther was the officer's.

  COLLINS: Are you sure?

  SKIPPY: I was there, my friend. I was there. . . .

  Scene 15

  The Cook Story

  JOE and FRED on the fantail.

  FRED: I heard the cook has two Cadillac Eldorados.

  JOE: This year's?

  FRED: Last year. One in Chicago, Chicago Harbor, and the other in Arthur.

  JOE: How long's he been on the run?

  FRED: About twenty years, I guess.

  JOE: Yeah.

  FRED: More or less . . . ten, twenty years.

  JOE: What's he want with two Caddies?

  FRED: So's he can have one here and one there.

  JOE: So he can have one everywhere he goes.

  FRED: Yeah. Well, he's only got two. He's not married.

  JOE: That's it. That's the big difference. Right?

  FRED: You said it. That's the difference . . . between him . . .

  JOE: Yeah, that's it. Cocksucker can probably afford two cars.

  FRED: Oh, yeah. Well, he's got ‘em.

  JOE: Cocksucker probably doesn't know what it is to be married.

  FRED: He was married once.

  JOE: Yeah?

  FRED: Yeah, I think. Yeah. He was married. I heard that.

  JOE: Where'd you hear it, on the Boat?

  FRED: Yeah. He used to be married. To a girl. She used to ship on the Boats.

  JOE: Yeah?

  FRED: Oh yeah, they used to ship Stewards together. They stopped. They got divorced.

  JOE: Bastard's probably forgot what it is to be married.

  (Pause.)

  Two cars.

  FRED: What the fuck? He worked for them.

  JOE: I ‘m not saying he didn't work for them.

  FRED: Oh no.

  JOE: I never said that, I mean, it's obvious he worked for them. He's got ‘em, right?

  FRED: AS far as I know.

  JOE: Well, has he got ‘em or not?

  FRED: Yeah, he's got ‘em . . . as far as I know.

  JOE: Probably only got a couple of Chevys.

  FRED: Yeah.

  JOE: A couple of ‘56 Chevys.

  FRED: Yeah.

  JOE: Cocksucker's only probably got a pair of used Volkswagens.

  FRED: I don't know. . . .

  JOE: Or a beat-up Buick.

  FRED: Yeah.

  JOE: Or a fucking DeSoto for Christ's sake. Who the fuck knows he's got two Caddies?

  FRED: Well, he's not married. I know that much.

  JOE: Lucky son of a bitch.

  FRED: It's a tough life.

  JOE: Oh yeah?

  FRED: Yeah. I was married once.

  JOE: Yeah?

  FRED: Yeah. I'm still married. T o my second wife.

  JOE: You got divorced, huh?

  FRED: Why do you say that?

  JOE: You just said you're married to your second wife.

  FRED: Oh yeah. I got divorced . . . from my first.

  JOE: Yeah, I ‘m sorry. I mean, she could of died. You could of been a widower.

  FRED: It's too late now.

  JOE: You pay any alimony?

  FRED: Yeah, ho, shit, did I pay? I was doing extra deck-work and running to the track so that woman could fuck off and pamper the kids.

  JOE: How many kids you have?

  FRED: . . .just one, actually. I don't know why I said “kids.”

  JOE: They live with their mother, huh?

  FRED: Yeah. Actually there's just one kid, Clarice. She's the kid.

  JOE: A girl, huh?

  FRED: Yeah. She lives with her mother.

  JOE: You see her?

  FRED: Oh yeah. What do you think? I just let her live with that cunt? Christ. I see her every chance I get. Her birthday . . . we go to the zoo . . . museums . . . . She got married, my wife, ex.

  JOE: Well, shit. At least you don't have to pay alimony.

  FRED: Yeah. But doesn't she fuck me on the child support? Every fucking piece of kleenex has to come from Carson Pirie Scott. What fucking kid spends eighty dollars a month? What happens to eighty dollars a month? I'll tell you, Denise ex-fucking-Swoboda is what happens. Nothing is too good for the kid. But it takes a bite.

  JOE: What doesn't?

  FRED: That is a point, Joe. It's getting expensive just to live.

  JOE: Sure as shit.

  FRED: Just to buy a pack of Camels is getting you have to go to the fucking bank. Used to be twenty-six cents a pack in Indiana.

  JOE: I can remember it used to be seventeen cents in Tennessee.

  FRED: You aren't from there.

  JOE: We used to go there.

  FRED: Ah.

  JOE (pause): I wish I never got started. I used to buy ‘em for my old man. He used to say, “You gotta smoke, don't hide it. Smoke in my presence.”

  FRED: So did you?

  JOE: Christ no, he woulda beat the shit outta me.

  FRED: You should never of gotten started. It's too fucking expensive. Fuck. Eighty-five cents.

  JOE: It's going up.

  FRED: Where is it going to stop? I swear to God I don't know. We'll all be selling syphilitic fucking apples to each other on the street corner.

  JOE: You give any money on Poppyseed days?

  FRED: No. They want loot, let ‘em work on the ship.

  JOE: I always wanted to be a pirate. Ever since I was a little kid.

  FRED: . . . or digging ditches, though somebody's gotta run the ships, right?

  JOE: . . . yeah.

  FRED: I mean, the cook's gotta keep up his payments.

  JOE: That's a good one, alright.

  Scene 16

  Sidearms Continued

  On the bridge.

&nbs
p; COLLINS: So what was the Walther Luger.

  SKIPPY: There was no such thing.

  COLLINS: I read it.

  SKIPPY: Where?

  COLLINS: In some book on the War.

  SKIPPY: Then you were lied to. There was no such thing. Believe me.

  (Pause.)

  COLLINS: I read it.

  SKIPPY: No. I'd tell you if it were the case. (Pause.) I would. If it were the case.

  Scene 17

  Jonnie Fast

  FRED and STAN are smoking cigarettes on the boat deck.

  FRED: I'm going to tell you: Jonnie Fast is the strongest guy in ten years.

  STAN: You know what? You are truly an idiot. You could of said that in the dark and I would of known it was you because only you could make so stupid a statement. Jonnie Fast has got to be the dumbest cocksucker I can remember.

  FRED: Yeah. That's like you to say that.

  STAN: You know about it . . .?

  FRED: I know when a guy is strong.

  STAN: And that's what Fast is. Strong, huh?

  FRED: Yeah.

  STAN: You know. I agree with you one hundred percent. He is strong, this Fast. He's probably the strongest guy I've ever seen. I can't think of anything that would be stronger than he is. Unless maybe a pile of shit.

  FRED: What do you know. Who do you like?

  STAN: Oh . . . I'll tell you. You want a really strong fellow. A real type, I'd have to say . . . Jerry Lewis. He could probably knock the shit outta Fast.

  FRED: You don't know nothing. You don't know a champ when you're fucking looking at him at the movies, for chrissake. This guy is stark. He is the best.

  STAN: He's the best, alright. Like jacking off is better than getting laid. This guy Fast is the fucking jackoff of all time.

  FRED: Yeah. I see your point, Stan. I agree with you. The man is not stark. He's no fucking good. That's why he didn't take five fucking guys in that barroom using only one pool cue. I see your point.

  STAN: Shirley Temple probably couldn't've taken those guys, I suppose.

  FRED: Oh, no. Shirley Temple probably could've taken them. She could've disarmed them and probably shot that meat knife out've the guy's hand from twenty feet from the hip . . . yeah, I see your point.

  STAN: And I suppose this guy could whip the shit out've Clint Eastwood, huh? I really think that. Explain that to me, will you, Joe? How Clint Eastwood is no match for this guy?

  FRED: Oh, well . . .

  STAN: No, explain it to me.

  FRED: If you want to get ridiculous about it . . .

  STAN: Or Lee Van Cleef. I'm sure, he would've laid down and puked from fear when he saw this guy two blocks off.

  FRED: All I know is, like you say, any guy who fucks all night and drinks a shitload of champagne and can go out at five the next morning and rob a bank without a hitch has to be no fucking good. I see your point.

  STAN: “No fucking good?” No! He's great! He only had the entire National Guard worth of sidekicks, about two thousand guys and an A-bomb to back him up. You really gotta admire a stand-up guy like that.

  FRED: He didn't have no bomb.

  STAN: Pardon me.

  FRED: Where do you get this “bomb” shit? You probably didn't even see the movie, all you know.

  STAN: No, you're right. I probably didn't even see the movie. That's how come I don't know what a bustout Jonnie Fast is, and what a complete loser you are to back him. I probably never did see the picture. In fact, I've probably never been to a movie in my life and I'm not standing on a boat. And your name isn't Fred, I suppose. Oh, and you're probably not completely full of shit.

  FRED: Probably not.

  STAN: You idiot, what do you know.

  (STAN walks off.)

  Scene 18

  The Inland Sea around Us

  JOE, on the boat deck, is contemplating the lake. COLLINS, making his evening rounds, walks by.

  JOE: Evening, Mr. Collins.

  COLLINS: Joe.

  JOE: Mr. Collins, how far is it to land out here?

  COLLINS: I don't know, about five miles.

  JOE: How long could a guy live out here, do you think?

  COLLINS: What?

  JOE: I mean, not if he was on an island or anything, or in a boat. I mean in the water. I mean . . . it's over your head.

  COLLINS: Don't really know, Joe. You planning a swim?

  JOE: Swim? Swim? Oh! I get you. A swim! Yeah, no. I was just wondering in case, God forbid, we should go down and the lifeboats were all leaky or something. How long do you think a fellow would last?

  COLLINS: Joe . . .

  JOE: You can tell me.

  COLLINS: Don't worry about it, huh? Even if the boat sunk you've got jackets and they'd have a helicopter here in a half-hour.

  JOE: Oh, I don't worry about it. I just wonder. You know.

  COLLINS: Sure, Joe. Well, don't wonder.

  JOE: I guess the big problem wouldn't be the drowning as much as the boredom, huh?

  COLLINS: See you, Joe.

  JOE: Night, Mr. Collins.

  Scene 19

  Arcana

  STAN and JOE walk across the fantail.

  STAN: There are many things in this world, Joe, the true meaning of which we will never know. (Pause.) I knew a man was a Mason . . .

  JOE: Uh huh . . .

  STAN: You know what he told me?

  JOE: No.

  (Pause.)

  STAN: Would you like to know?

  JOE: Yes.

  (As STAN starts to speak, they continue around the fantail and out of sight.)

  Scene 20

  Dolomite

  COLLINS continues to the bridge. SKIPPY is in command of the ship. COLLINS philosophizes.

  COLLINS (to SKIPPY); You know, it's surprising what people will convince themselves is interesting. The Company, guests come on for a trip and we're docked at Port Arthur and they're up on the boatdeck and for an hour, an hour and a half, they're watching this stuff pour into the holds. Just watching it pour into the holds and the dust is flying and it's hard to breathe. But they're just standing there. The woman's got a Brownie. She's taking pictures of rock falling off a conveyor belt. Now what is so interesting about that? I'd like to know. If you described the situation to them, to any normal people, they wouldn't walk across the hall to watch it if the TV were broken. But there they are, guests of the Company. Standing there on the boatdeck hours on end, watching the rocks and the dust. Maybe they see something I don't. Maybe I'm getting jaded.

  (Pause.)

  What are they looking at?

  SKIPPY: What are you looking at? You're looking at them.

  COLLINS: That's perfectly correct.

  SKIPPY: It's all a matter of perspective. (Pause.) Yessir.

  (Pause.)

  Scene 21

  The Bridge

  SKIPPY is alone as COLLINS leaves the bridge. JOE and DALE are alone in the galley.

  SKIPPY (on the radio): W.A.Y., Chicago, this is the T. Harrison, Harrison Steel, en route. I am ready to copy. Over.

  JOE: What time you go off?

  DALE: Around six-thirty.

  JOE: Hit the bridge before then.

  DALE: Yeah.

  JOE: Hit it in about a half-hour.

  DALE: Yeah.

  JOE: Hit it about six. You made up the First's cabin yet?

  DALE: Yeah. I was up forward a little while ago. Going to be a nice day.

  JOE: Hot.

  DALE: You think?

  JOE: Yeah. Well, be hot when we tie up. Be hot before we hit the Soo. You going up the street?

  DALE: Oh, I don't know. Later maybe. Going to get some sleep first.

  JOE: They got some nice bars up there.

  DALE: Yeah?

  JOE: Oh yeah. I know. Got some real bars up there. Sedate . . . Yeah. I used to go up there. T o go drinking up there.

  DALE: You off now?

  JOE: Naw. I don't go off till the eight o'clock come on. I don't go off till eight.
r />   DALE: You hungry?

  JOE: Yeah, a little.

  DALE: Want me to fix you something?

  JOE: Naw. I'll get me some pie, something. We got any pie left?

  DALE: Should be some. Want something to drink? A glass of milk?

  JOE: Naw. I'll just get some coffee. You know, Dale . . . you go to school?

  DALE: Yeah, I'm in my second year.

  JOE: You're starting your second year, you finished one year?

  DALE: Yeah. I'll be starting my sophomore year in September. When I go back.

  JOE: Where do you go at?

  DALE: In Massachusetts. Near Boston.

  JOE: What do you go all the way there for?

  DALE: Well, I like it there. It's a good school. . . . It's a nice area.

  JOE: Yeah, but they got good schools over here, don't they? I mean, I ‘m sure it's a good place . . . where you go. But they got good schools here, too. Loyola, Chicago University, some good schools here . . . Michigan.

  DALE: Oh, yeah. They're good schools. But I like it in the East.

  JOE: It's nice there, huh?

  DALE: Yes, very nice. Nice country. I like it there.

  JOE: What are you studying, I mean, what do you work at, at school?

  DALE: I'm studying English. English Literature.

  JOE: Yeah? That's a tough racket. I mean, writing. But . . . what? Are you gonna teach? To teach English?

  DALE: Oh, I don't know. I ‘m just . . . studying it because I like it.

  JOE: Yeah.

  DALE: I may teach.

  JOE: Sure, I mean . . . all I mean, it's a tough racket, you know? . . . Hitting the bridge soon?

  DALE: Yup.

  JOE: How long will you be staying on the boat? About?

  DALE: Oh, I don't know. Another month, five weeks.

  JOE: Got to go back to school, back East, huh?

  DALE: Yeah. I'll leave to go back to school.

  JOE: Want a cup? . . . Going back to your studies. Back East. I used to go East. I worked out of Buffalo for a while. I shipped Ford out of Detroit, too. Ford Boats. Ever shipped salt?

  DALE: No, you?

  JOE: Never did. Always wanted to, though. It's a different life, you know?

  DALE: Yeah.

  JOE: It must be nice out there. Be pretty easy to ship out. Out of Chicago. I'm an A.B., did you know that? . . . You should get out of Stewards, you know? Get on the deck, get rid of this straightshift crap. If you were on the deck we could go up street at Duluth, Arthur. You'd be out, free, until four in the afternoon and you'd be free at eight and we could fuck around all night, you know? Really hit the bars.