Woods, Lakeboat, Edmond
Page 11
(He leans close. She whispers.)
Give me ten bucks. (Pause.)
Give me ten bucks. (Pause.)
Put it through the thing.
(She indicates a small ventilator hole in the plexiglass. Pause.)
Put it through the thing.
EDMOND (checking his wallet): I haven't got ten bucks.
GIRL: Okay . . . just . . . yes.
Okay. Give me the twenty.
EDMOND: Are you going to give me change?
GIRL: Yes. Just give me the twenty. Give it to me.
Good. Now take your dick out.
EDMOND: Can I have my ten?
GIRL: Look. Let me hold the ten.
EDMOND: Give me my ten back. (Pause.)
Come on. Give me my ten back.
GIRL: Let me hold the ten. . . .
EDMOND: Give me my ten back and I'll give you a tip when you're done.
(Pause. She does so.)
Thank you.
GIRL: Okay. Take your dick out.
EDMOND (of the plexiglass): How does this thing come down?
GIRL: It doesn't come down.
EDMOND: It doesn't come down?
GIRL: No.
EDMOND: Then what the fuck am I giving you ten bucks for?
GIRL: Look: You can touch me. Stick your finger in this you can touch me.
EDMOND: I don't want to touch you. . . .
I want you to touch me. . . .
GIRL: I can't. (Pause.) I would, but I can't. We'd have the cops in here. We would.
Honestly. (Pause.)
Look: Put your finger in here . . . come on.
(Pause.) Come on.
(He zips his pants up and leaves the booth.)
You're only cheating yourself. . . .
Scene 6
On the Street, Three-Card Monte
A CARDSHARP, a BYSTANDER and Two SHILLS.
SHARPER: You pick the red you win, and twenty get you forty. Put your money up.
The black gets back, the red you go ahead. . . .
Who saw the red? . . . Who saw the red?
Who saw her? . . .
BYSTANDER (to EDMOND): The fellow over there is a shill . . .
EDMOND: Who is? . . .
BYSTANDER (points): You want to know how to beat the game?
EDMOND: How?
BYSTANDER: You figure out which card has got to win. . . .
EDMOND: . . . Uh-huh . . .
BYSTANDER: . . . and bet the other one.
SHARPER: Who saw the red? . . .
BYSTANDER: They're all shills, they're all part of an act.
SHARPER: Who saw her? Five will get you ten. . . .
SHILL (playing lookout): Cops . . . cops . . . cops . . . don't run . . . don't run. . . .
(Everyone scatters. EDMOND moves down the street.)
Scene 7
Passing Out Leaflets
EDMOND moves down the street. A MAN is passing out leaflets.
LEAFLETEER: Check it out . . . check it out. . . .
This is what you looking for. . . . Take it . . .
I'm giving you something. . . . Take it. . . .
(EDMOND takes the leaflet.)
Now: Is that what you looking for or not? . . .
EDMOND (reading the leaflet): Is this true? . . .
LEAFLETEER: Would I give it to you if it wasn't? . . .
(EDMOND walks off reading the leaflet. The LEAFLETEER continues with his spiel.)
Check it out. . . .
Scene 8
The Whorehouse
EDMOND shows up with the leaflet. He talks to the MANAGER, a woman.
MANAGER: Hello.
EDMOND: Hello.
MANAGER: Have you been here before?
EDMOND: No.
MANAGER: How'd you hear about us? (EDMOND shows her the leaflet.) You from out of town?
EDMOND: Yes. What's the deal here?
MANAGER: This is a health club.
EDMOND: . . . I know.
MANAGER: And our rates are by the hour. (Pause.)
EDMOND: Yes?
MANAGER: Sixty-eight dollars for the first hour, sauna, free bar, showers . . . (Pause.)
The hour doesn't start until you and the masseuse are in the room.
EDMOND: Alright.
MANAGER: Whatever happens in the room, of course, is between you.
EDMOND: I understand.
MANAGER: You understand?
EDMOND: Yes.
MANAGER: . . . Or, for two hours it's one hundred fifty dollars. If you want two hostesses that is two hundred dollars for one hour. (Pause.) Whatever arrangement that you choose to make with them is between you.
EDMOND: Good. (Pause.)
MANAGER: What would you like?
EDMOND: One hour.
MANAGER: You pay that now. How would you like to pay?
EDMOND: How can I pay?
MANAGER: With cash or credit card. The billing for the card will read “Atlantic Ski and Tennis.”
EDMOND: I'll pay you with cash.
Scene 9
Upstairs at the Whorehouse
EDMOND and the WHORE are in a cubicle.
WHORE: How are you?
EDMOND: Fine. I've never done this before.
WHORE: No? (She starts rubbing his neck.)
EDMOND: No. That feels very good. (Pause.)
WHORE: You've got a good body.
EDMOND: Thank you.
WHORE: Do you work out? (Pause.)
EDMOND: I jog.
WHORE: Mmm. (Pause.)
EDMOND: And I used to play football in high school.
WHORE: You've kept yourself in good shape.
EDMOND: Thank you.
WHORE (pause): What shall we do?
EDMOND: I'd like to have intercourse with you.
WHORE: That sounds very nice. I'd like that, too.
EDMOND: You would?
WHORE: Yes.
EDMOND: How much would that be?
WHORE: For a straight fuck, that would be a hundred fifty.
EDMOND: That's too much.
WHORE: You know that I'm giving you a break. . . .
EDMOND: . . . no . . .
WHORE: . . . Because this is your first time here. . . .
EDMOND: No. It's too much, on top of the sixty-eight at the door. . . .
WHORE: . . . I know, I know, but you know, I don't get to keep it all. I split it with them. Yes. They don't pay me, I pay them.
EDMOND: It's too much. (Pause. The WHORE sighs.)
WHORE: How much do you have?
EDMOND: All I had was one hundred for the whole thing.
WHORE: You mean a hundred for it all.
EDMOND: That only left me thirty.
WHORE: NOOOO, honey, you couldn't get a thing for that.
EDMOND: Well, how much do you want?
WHORE (sighs): Alright, for a straight fuck, one hundred twenty.
EDMOND: I couldn't pay that.
WHORE: I'm sorry, then. It would have been nice.
EDMOND: I'll give you eighty.
WHORE: No.
EDMOND: One hundred.
WHORE: Alright, but only, you know, ‘cause this is your first time.
EDMOND: I know.
WHORE: . . . ‘cause we split with them, you understand. . . .
EDMOND: I understand.
WHORE: Alright. One hundred.
EDMOND: Thank you. I appreciate this. (Pause.)
Would it offend you if I wore a rubber? . . .
WHORE: Not at all. (Pause.)
EDMOND: Do you have one? . . .
WHORE: Yes. (Pause.) You want to pay me now? . . .
EDMOND: Yes. Certainly. (He takes out his wallet, hands her a credit card.)
WHORE: I need cash, honey.
EDMOND: They said at the door I could pay with my . . .
WHORE: . . . That was at the door . . . you have to pay me with cash. . . .
EDMOND: I don't think I have it. . . . (He checks through his wallet.)
I don't have it. . . .
WHORE: How much do you have? . . .
EDMOND: I, uh, only have sixty.
WHORE: Jeez, I'm sorry, honey, but I can't do it. . . .
EDMOND: Well, wait, wait, wait, wait, maybe we could . . . wait. . . .
WHORE: Why don't you get it, and come back here. . . .
EDMOND: Well, where could I get it? . . .
WHORE: Go to a restaurant and cash a check, I'll be here till four. . . .
EDMOND: I'll. I'll . . . um, um . . . yes. Thank you. . . .
WHORE: Not at all.
(EDMOND leaves the whorehouse.)
Scene 10
Three-Card Monte
EDMOND out on the street, passes by the three-card-monte men, who have assembled again.
SHARPER: You can't win if you don't play (To EDMOND:)
You, sir . . .
EDMOND: Me? . . .
SHARPER: You going to try me again? . . .
EDMOND: Again? . . .
SHARPER: I remember you beat me out of that fifty that time with your girlfriend. . . .
EDMOND: . . . When was this?
SHARPER: On fourteenff street. . . .
You going to try me one more time? . . .
EDMOND: Uh . . .
SHARPER: . . . Play you for that fifty. . . . Fifty get you one hundred, we see you as fast as you was. . . .
Pay on the red, pass on the black. . . .
Where is the queen? . . . You pick the queen you win. . . .
Where is the queen? . . . Who saw the queen? . . . You put up fifty, win a hundred. . . . Now: Who saw the queen? . . .
SHILL: I got her!
SHARPER: How much? Put your money up. How much?
SHILL: I bet you fifty dollars.
SHARPER: Put it up.
(The SHILL does so. The SHILL turns a card.)
SHILL: There!
SHARPER: My man, I'm jus’ too quick for you today.
Who saw the queen? We got two cards left.
Pay on the red queen, who saw her?
EDMOND: I saw her.
SHARPER: Ah, shit, man, you too fass for me.
EDMOND: . . . For fifty dollars . . .
SHARPER: Alright—alright.
Put it up. (Pause.)
EDMOND: Will you pay me if I win?
SHARPER: Yes, I will. If you win. But you got to win first. . . .
EDMOND: All that I've got to do is turn the queen.
SHARPER: Thass all you got to do.
EDMOND: I'll bet you fifty.
SHARPER: You sure?
EDMOND: Yes. I ‘m sure.
SHARPER: Put it up. (EDMOND does so.) Now: Which one you like?
EDMOND (turning card): There!
SHARPER (taking money): I'm sorry, my man. This time you lose— now we even. Take another shot. You pick the queen you win . . . bet you another fifty. . . .
EDMOND: Let me see those cards.
SHARPER: These cards are fine, it's you thass slow.
EDMOND: I want to see the cards.
SHARPER: These cards are good my man, you lost.
EDMOND: You let me see those cards.
SHARPER: You ain't goin’ see no motherfuckin’ cards, man, we playin’ a game here. . . .
SHILL: . . . You lost, get lost.
EDMOND: Give me those cards, fella.
SHARPER: You want to see the cards? You want to see the cards? . . . Here is the motherfuckin’ cards. . . .
(He hits EDMOND in the face. He and the SHILL beat EDMOND for several seconds. EDMOND falls to the ground.)
Scene 11
A Hotel
EDMOND, torn and battered, comes up to the DESK CLERK.
EDMOND: I want a room.
CLERK: Twenty-two dollars. (Pause.)
EDMOND: I lost my wallet.
CLERK: Go to the police.
EDMOND: You can call up American Express.
CLERK: Go to the police. (Pause.)
I don't want to hear it.
EDMOND: You can call the credit-card people. I have insurance.
CLERK: Call them yourself. Right across the hall.
EDMOND: I have no money.
CLERK: I'm sure it's a free call.
EDMOND: DO those phones require a dime?
CLERK (Pause): I'm sure I don't know.
EDMOND: You know if they need a dime or not. To get a dial tone . . . You know if they need a dime, for chrissake. Do you want to live in this kind of world? Do you want to live in a world like that? I've been hurt? Are you blind? Would you appreciate it if I acted this way to you? (Pause.)
I asked you one simple thing.
Do they need a dime?
CLERK: No. They don't need a dime. Now, you make your call, and you go somewhere else.
Scene 12
The Pawnshop
The OWNER waiting on a customer who is perusing objects in the display counter.
CUSTOMER: Whaddaya get for that? What is that?
Fourteen or eighteen karat?
OWNER: Fourteen.
CUSTOMER: Yeah? Lemme see that. How much is that?
OWNER: Six hundred eighty-five.
CUSTOMER: Why is that? How old is that? Is that old?
OWNER: You know how much gold that you got in there?
Feel. That. Just feel that.
CUSTOMER: Where is it marked?
OWNER: Right there. You want that loupe?
CUSTOMER: No. I can see it.
(EDMOND comes into the store and stands by the two.)
OWNER (to Edmond): What?
EDMOND: I want to pawn something.
OWNER: Talk to the man in back.
CUSTOMER: What else you got like this?
OWNER: I don't know what I got. You're looking at it.
CUSTOMER (pointing to item in display case): Lemme see that.
EDMOND (goes to MAN in back behind grate): I want to pawn something.
MAN: What?
EDMOND: My ring. (Holds up hand.)
MAN: Take it off.
EDMOND: It's difficult to take it off.
MAN: Spit on it. (EDMOND does so.)
CUSTOMER: How much is that?
OWNER: Two hundred twenty.
EDMOND (happily): I got it off. (He hands the ring to the MAN.)
MAN: What do you want to do with this?
You want to pawn it.
EDMOND: Yes. How does that work?
MAN: Is that what you want to do?
EDMOND: Yes. Are there other things to do?
MAN: . . . What you can do, no, I mean, if you wanted it appraised . . .
EDMOND: . . . Uh-huh . . .
MAN: . . . or want to sell it . . .
EDMOND: . . . Uh-huh . . .
MAN: . . . or you wanted it to pawn. . . .
EDMOND: I understand.
MAN: Alright?
EDMOND: How much is getting it appraised?
MAN: Five dollars.
CUSTOMER: Lemme see something in black.
EDMOND: What would you give me if I pawned it?
MAN: What do you want for it?
EDMOND: What is it worth?
MAN: You pawn it all you're gonna get's approximately . . . You know how this works?
CUSTOMER: Yes. Let me see that. . . .
EDMOND: No.
MAN: What you get, a quarter of the value.
EDMOND: Mm.
MAN: Approximately. For a year. You're paying twelve percent. You can redeem your pledge with the year you pay your twelve percent. T o that time. Plus the amount of the loan.
EDMOND: What is my pledge?
MAN: Well, that depends on what it is.
EDMOND: What do you mean?
MAN: What it is. Do you understand?
EDMOND: No.
MAN: Whatever the amount is, that is your pledge.
EDMOND: The amount of the loan.
MAN: That's right.
EDMOND: I understand.
MAN: Alright. What are you looking for, the ring?<
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CUSTOMER: Nope. Not today. I'll catch you next time. Lemme see that knife.
EDMOND: What is it worth?
MAN: The most I can give you, hundred and twenty bucks.
CUSTOMER: This is nice.
EDMOND: I'll take it.
MAN: Good. I'll be right back. Give me the ring.
(EDMOND does so. EDMOND wanders over to watch the other transaction.)
CUSTOMER (holding up knife): What are you asking for this?
OWNER: Twenty-three bucks. Say, twenty bucks.
CUSTOMER (to himself): Twenty bucks . . .
EDMOND: Why is it so expensive?
OWNER: Why is it so expensive?
CUSTOMER: No. I'm going to pass. (He hands knife back, exiting.) I'll catch you later.
OWNER: Right.
EDMOND: Why is the knife so expensive?
OWNER: This is a survival knife. G. I. Issue. World War Two. And that is why.
EDMOND: Survival knife.
OWNER: That is correct.
EDMOND: Is it a good knife?
OWNER: It is the best knife that money can buy.
(He starts to put knife away. As an afterthought:)
You want it?
EDMOND: Let me think about it for a moment.
Scene 13
The Subway
EDMOND is in the subway. Waiting with him is a WOMAN in a hat.
EDMOND (Pause): My mother had a hat like that. (Pause.) My mother had a hat like that. (Pause.) I . . . I'm not making conversation. She wore it for years. She had it when I was a child.
(The WOMAN starts to walk away. EDMOND grabs her.)
I wasn't just making it up. It happened. . . .
WOMAN (detaching herself from his grip): Excuse me. . . .
EDMOND: . . . who the fuck do you think you are? . . .
I'm talking to you . . . What am I? A stone? . . .
Did I say, “I want to lick your pussy"? . . .
I said, “My mother had that same hat. . . .”
You cunt . . . What am I? A dog? I'd like to slash your fucking face . . . I'd like to slash your motherfucking face apart. . . .
WOMAN: . . . WILL SOMEBODY HELP ME. . . .
EDMOND: You don't know who I am. . . . (She breaks free.) Is everybody in this town insane? . . . Fuck you . . . fuck you . . . fuck you . . . fuck the lot of you . . . fuck you all . . . I don't need you . . . I worked all of my life!
Scene 14
On the Street, outside the Peep Show
Pimp: What are you looking for?
EDMOND: What?
PIMP: What are you looking for?
EDMOND: I'm not looking for a goddamn thing.