by J. Bengtsson
With Keith a safe distance, I darted through the foyer and into the church before ducking behind the first bench and sliding into the second-to-last pew. The mother and daughter duo beside me wearing colorful hats seemed distracting enough that no one would bother looking past the peacock feathers to notice a callous heart-stomper like myself.
I was wrong.
I hadn’t even had time to wipe the sweat from my brow before Keith strolled down the aisle. It wasn’t my first experience with him in a tuxedo, but I can tell you, it was always a show-stopping experience. The measly collection of tissues I’d brought wouldn’t be enough to collect the drool pooling in the corners of my mouth. Unable to rip my eyes away, I peeked up at him from behind the feathery glamour lashes I’d applied earlier in the day, not at all expecting anything in return. But as if by some invisible force, Keith turned in my direction, and his eyes zeroed in on me. He seemed surprised at first. Then hurt. Then angry. And finally, his features softened, and I saw what I’d desperately been searching for – love.
My own emotions were on full display, the moment so raw and real that it felt as if my heart was skipping way too many beats. His face an open book of feels, Keith faltered in his stride. He seemed uncertain; conflicted. I had the feeling he wanted to come to me, but the voice in his head was telling him not to. The rational part of his brain won out, and Keith continued down the aisle, never to glance my way again.
As the ceremony got underway, it became immediately apparent that the Kleenex I’d shoved in my clutch wasn’t even going to be enough to cover the walk down the aisle, much less the heartfelt vows. Still, it had been worth the sacrifice of my soggy tissues. There was nothing more beautiful to witness than the union of two people meant to be.
Keith and I – we were meant to be.
Yeah, shut up there, Sam. You suck!
The reception was spent deflecting the attention of a man at the singles table. He was handsome and accomplished. Ask me how I knew this? Well, I’ll tell you. Because he felt the need to continually remind me how handsome and accomplished he was. He also spent the down time rattling off a list of his high-powered friends. As if I cared about superficial crap like prestige and titles. It only took one brain-zapping disease to set your priorities straight… or… well… at least to prioritize what was real and what was bullshit. Keith. The McKallisters. The Caldwells. Real. Flawed. Beautiful. Men with high-powered jobs and impressive friends, step aside.
I liked pirates who frosted cupcakes and surfer boys who made engagement rings out of seaweed. I suppose I was just simple like that.
“Sam?”
My head turned to the sound, knowing who I’d find before ever laying eyes on him. Quinn – Keith’s kid brother and my unofficial musical crush. I flung my arms around him and we hugged for the longest time. The first Christmas I’d spent with the McKallisters, I’d wandered into the wrong room and heard a then-twelve-year-old kid singing his heart out. From that point on I was hooked. I suppose maybe my devotion went further back than that - all the way back to the disheveled little boy on the porch – the one struggling to understand the world that was crumbling down around him. Yes, I’d loved him since then.
“Quinn, I missed you so much,” I said peppering his cheeks with kisses. “My favorite singer ever.”
He grinned. “You’ve always been biased.”
“I just know what my ears like to hear.”
Quinn humbly accepted my compliments before anxious energy got the best of him and he shifted nervously in place. “I’m sorry I haven’t kept in touch. I wanted to but you know, the bro code and all.”
“Of course.” I smiled. “I understand.”
And I did. I wouldn’t have wanted my problems to cause issues with Keith and his family and the fact that Quinn stuck with his brothers despite our tight bond said something about his commitment to family – of which I was no longer a part of.
“But believe me, I was so pissed at Keith. I wanted to smack him upside the head for hurting you.”
My smile wilted. Keith hadn’t told him. He’d taken the blame for our breakup. That wasn’t what I’d wanted at all. Did I tell Quinn? Did I not? In the end, I let the decision be Keith’s.
“That song, Quinn, it was beautiful. You should have seen Jake’s face. He was so impressed.”
There was an instant dampening of his mood. “I doubt that. We had it out last night.”
“Uh-oh. What happened?”
“I asked him to help me with my songs, and he basically told me I was looking for handouts. He doesn’t care about my career, Sam. He never will.”
“Then you carve your own path. If Jake can’t see your talent, that’s his loss, but don’t let his indifference deter you. You’re just too talented to walk away.”
Quinn stared off in the distance, then shrugged. “It’s whatever.”
“No, it’s ‘you will show them all.’”
He lifted his eyes. “Sure, Sam. Whatever you say.”
“That’s better. And remember, I get a front row seat to your first show.”
Finally a grin swept over his face. “If I’m doing it right, there won’t be any front row seating.”
Quinn wasn’t the only McKallister to come calling. Michelle sidled up, her arms wrapping around me in the maternal hug I’d been craving since I’d broken her son’s heart over a year ago. Then it was Scott and Emma and Kyle and Kenzie. And, just like that, I felt welcome and no longer wanting to make the quick exit I’d planned upon entering the reception.
Glancing in Keith’s direction, my heart kept telling me to go to him, but my brain continually talked me out of it. Just because his family seemed okay with me being there didn’t mean Keith would. He didn’t need me popping back into his life and stirring up memories better left buried. He’d moved on, and I’d… um… sort of moved on. I needed to give the poor guy a break. Over is over, Sam. And Keith and I – we were over.
Maybe it was time to leave. There was nothing I could do here that I couldn’t do at home with a good bottle of wine. I’d find Jake and Casey, congratulate them, and be on my way to a nice drunken night of self-loathing. Sounds like a solid plan.
And as fate would have it, Jake nearly stumbled right into me. Obviously the universe wanted me gone too.
“Congratulations,” I said, grabbing his arm to keep him from tumbling on by.
“Sam,” he said, hugging me. Like his family before him, Jake was warm and welcoming. I wanted to hold him a little tighter and soak in his acceptance. Why it meant so much to me I couldn’t say, but it did.
As he pulled back, I caught him staring at my necklace. He looked up, our eyes met, and he smiled. Jake knew. Keith must have told him of its origin, and he’d chosen to give it up – for me. The power of my stone had worked on him. Jake knew that tiny slivers of his strength had come from all those who’d worn it before him: me, Keith, my grandfather, and yes, even Sullivan, who’d held on as long as he could.
“Thank you,” he mouthed.
Sentiment stopped the flow of words I wanted to speak to him, so I simply smiled in reply.
“Samantha Anderson!” Casey squealed, her energy instantly erasing the emotional exchange. Jake stepped back, happily allowing his wife to take the lead. Casey and I hugged it out. “You came, girl.”
“Of course. Like I’d miss this for the world. Jake, you should have seen your face when Casey punked you in the church.”
As the three of us laughed, I’d lost track of Keith in the crowd until he suddenly appeared by Jake’s side, hanging an arm over his brother’s shoulder. “What did I miss?”
“Nothing. We were just making fun of Jake,” Casey said. “Like always.”
Keith nodded before shifting his gaze toward mine.
“Sam,” he said, tipping his head in greeting.
“Keith,” I replied, mimicking his exact acknowledgement.
“You look good.”
“So do you.”
Then silence. The f
our of us stood there awkwardly until Casey filled in the gaps with a well-placed poop joke, instantly lightening the mood. Keith’s face relaxed as he and Jake dropped into a conversation about a woman in a wedding dress flashing them some serious nipple. Such things didn’t happen in the real world, but it did in theirs. Over-the-top unpredictability was part of the McKallister charm.
“Only in this family,” I said, giggling along with their story. “See, this is what I miss about not hanging out with you guys.”
“Breasts?” Keith asked, feigning ignorance.
Remembering everything I loved about this big, crazy family, I gave into the moment and laughed with abandon. Without thinking, I reached out and spontaneously touched Keith’s arm. Shocked by the unplanned moment of contact, I immediately pulled away, but not before locking eyes with him. The world around me swam out of focus, and I was only partially aware of the bride and groom slipping away. All I could see was the man before me, and instead of the anger and indifference I’d expected from him, I got love and understanding.
“I gotta tell ya, Sam. I nearly passed out when I saw you in the church.”
“I didn’t want it to be awkward, so I was trying to hide.”
“I know you were,” he said, his hand gliding along my back as if no time had passed. “But you should know by now that we always find each other. It’s just what we do.”
His words hit me hard, forcing me to swallow down the lump that instantly formed in my throat. “Yes, it is what we do, isn’t it?”
We stood staring at one another. There were so many things I needed to tell him – huge, important things – but was it right to upend his life all over again?
“I’m sorry you had to lie to your family for me. They blamed you for the breakup. Keith, that wasn’t what I wanted.”
“That’s what you’re worried about?” Keith asked. “Trust me, I didn’t do it for you. I prefer scorn over sympathy any day.”
“Regardless. I’m sorry.”
Keith bent down and whispered in my ear. “I missed you.”
The moment was so intimate – so sweet – that every truth I’d held so tightly slipped out. “I missed you too. And I miss Murphy and your family and our life together. I miss it all so much. I think… I’m just not meant to live without you.”
As if unable to keep his hands off me, his fingers traveled over my skin. “No, you’re not. Good or bad, Sam, I would have stayed by your side. You made that choice to go it alone, not me.”
“I know. And I promise you, every single day after you left I wanted to run to you, but… I was like a wave that was never going to make it to shore. At some point, you had to get off of it for your own good.”
“But who are you to tell me what I need? Maybe I wanted to ride your wave to the end. Have you ever thought of that?”
There was nothing I could say to defend myself. I’d chosen my fate, but I hadn’t allowed him to do the same. Somehow I’d fooled myself into thinking I was doing what was best for him when, in reality, I was only feeding my own ravenous self-pity. Oh god. I’d done this. I’d made us two halves of a whole.
Keith tipped my chin, studying me. “You look beautiful, Sammy. Healthy. Have you experienced any symptoms? Have you been to the doctor? I’ve researched a lot about Huntington’s and, I know you’re still on the young side of a diagnosis, but why torture yourself? Find out for sure if you carry the gene. At the very least you’ll have your answer.”
My bottom lip quivered as I fought the tears, but it was no use, there was no stopping the flow. “I did the genetic testing, Keith.”
Interpreting the results by way of my emotional reaction, the color drained from his face. “Oh.”
Sliding my fingers into his hair, I drew his head closer and whispered the words in his ear. “I’m not my mother.”
Keith jerked his head back and the words fell from his lips, almost hesitant.
“What does that mean?”
I stared at him, willing him not to make me say it.
He repeated the question.
“It means I don’t carry the gene. I can’t get the disease, and I can’t pass it on.”
A draft of air flowed between us as Keith stood up straighter. His mouth hung open, and I couldn’t tell if he was more pissed or stunned. Anger won out and he pushed me away. “When? When did you find this out?”
“I got the results a couple of weeks ago.”
“And you’re just telling me this now?”
“I was trying to figure out how to tell you… or even if I should tell you.”
“If?” He demanded.
“It goes back to the wave, Keith. You finally got off it. I heard you were dating. I didn’t want to uproot your life again.”
“What is it with you, deciding what you think is best for me?” His voice rose above acceptable levels and, although I deserved the scorn, I still pulled him out into the hallway for a proper tongue-lashing.
“So, let me get this straight, Samantha. Are you saying you don’t have Huntington’s disease, and you will never get it?”
Unable to meet his eye, I nodded to an unforgiving floor.
Keith stood motionless for a moment before dropping into a crouched position and covering his mouth with his open palm. I could see him trying desperately to process the information. Once he’d had ample time, I reached out to touch him. Keith flinched like I was setting him on fire. Jumping to his feet, he stomped down the hallway, gripping his hair in his hands as a low growl bubbled from his gut.
“Keith…”
“No. Don’t talk to me. Don’t even look at me! You… you should’ve taken the test before breaking it off. We lost over a year. A year, Sam! Dammit.”
“I know. I was so sure. I thought… I thought I had it. No, I was convinced I had Huntington’s. Nothing anyone could say would change my mind. It wasn’t until you sent me back the necklace that I finally had the courage to face the truth. I’m so sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you. I truly am.”
“Stop saying that! I’m so… I’m going to…”
More angry marches up and down the corridor kept me rooted in place.
“Uuhhh. I don’t know if I should be pissed or jump for fucking joy.”
In a voice barely above a whisper, I replied, “I vote for fucking joy.”
Keith stopped, glaring at me. “Oh, I’m sure you do.”
I swear I heard the tiniest bit of amusement in his words, and I offered him up my own itty-bitty grin. I didn’t deserve his forgiveness but I’d accept if it were offered. Keith continued to stare – no, gawk – and then, unbelievably, the anger in his eyes began to fade, replaced not quite with ‘fucking joy’ but something damn near close to it.
Keith shook his head before grabbing my hand and leading me outside. I followed without protest. He was in charge now, and whatever he decided, I’d abide by. We stopped in the middle of a rose garden bursting with fragrance and color.
“You understand that I’m mad as hell, right?”
“Yes.”
“And you know you should have told me the second you found out, correct?”
“Yes.”
“And you understand that I’m not going to forgive you for a very long time, got it?
“Yes.”
Keith sighed long and hard before reaching up around the back of his neck and untying a leather band. Pulling the necklace out from under the collar of his tuxedo shirt, his large hands shielded it from view.
When he finally looked back up, tears had flooded his eyes. “I never got off the wave, Sam. You of all people should know that.”
I could barely hear him over the wild beating of my heart. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying you’re the only one for me. And even though I sort of hate you right now, I love you more.”
Without breaking eye contact, Keith lowered himself to one knee, drawing a gasp from my lips. He gently placed his palm against my stomach, staring up at me with the look I knew so well.
Time had not dimmed his love. And why would it? Keith had always believed. It was me who’d lagged behind.
“I asked you once with a seaweed ring. I asked you twice with a diamond. And now, Samantha Anderson, I ask you to marry me one last time with the ring that belongs only to you.”
He opened his hand to reveal the stunning surprise. A ring of diamonds sparkled like twinkling lights, but it was the stone that sat in the middle of them all that caught my eye – the ocean captured in an agate.
This time, there were no unanswered questions.
This time, our future wasn’t in jeopardy.
This time, I said yes.
38
Keith: Long Time Coming
“Are you sure you don’t want to wear the bowtie?” my father asked, holding the unraveled cloth in his hands. “Just asking for a friend.”
“No, and you don’t, either. This is a beach wedding, Dad. Informal is the name of the game. Come here.”
“Why?” He stepped forward.
“So I can loosen a few of these buttons. You look like a priest.”
And as we stood facing one another I purposely avoided his gaze. He’d been trying to corner me all day, and now that we were alone, I could feel the energy pulsing off him.
He grabbed my hand. “Keith, I need to tell you something.”
“Dad, I swear if you tell me the honeybee story, you’re out of the wedding party.”
“I hate that you boys talk amongst yourselves. Jake ruined a perfectly good bachelor party story. I hope he’s happy because now everyone loses. Anyway, no, I want you to know how unbelievably proud I am of you.”
“Thank you.”
“And I think maybe I need to apologize.”
“Dad, you, of all people, have no reason to apologize. I’m only standing here today because of you.”
“Oh, but I do. You were right. I did favor Mitch. I see that now, but it was only because I felt guilty for not having him in my life as much as I should have. So when he was home, I overcompensated, putting him on a pedestal without really noticing it.”
