J. P. Donleavy
The Unexpurgated Code
A Complete Manual of Survival & Manners
With drawings by the author
The Lilliput Press
Contents
Title Page
Social Climbing
Upon Being Not to the Manner Born
Useful Rules in Social Climbing
Finding a Social Circle Which Spirals Upwards
Accent Improvement
Upon Embellishing Your Background
Upon Embellishing the Area in Which You Reside
Upon Choosing Your Residence
Upon Choosing Your Neighbour
Upon Your Residence’s Appurtenances
Upon Refining Your Taste
Upon Throwing Your First Large Party
Upon Not Being Socially Registered
Upon Being Excluded from Who’s Who
Upon the Sudden Reawakening of Your Sordid Background
Name Changing
Ass Kissing and Other Types of Flattery
On Rubbing Elbows with the Rich
Associating with the Bootless and Unhorsed
Knowing When You Have Reached the Top
Extinctions and Mortalities
The Final Resting Place
Upon Being Told the Fatal News That You Have Only So Long to Live and That It Is Not Long
Dying
Wills, Legacies, Chattels
Suicide
Parting Words, Gestures, Apparel and Conversations
Execution
At the Funeral
Cannibalism
The Duel
At the Duelling Site
Impromptu Combat
Upon Making the Contract for the Rubout
Upon Abandoning Ship
Upon Abandoning the Aircraft
The Drunken Lout Loose in the Aircraft
Upon Being Hijacked
Upon Your Dog Killing Another
Upon Your Dog Being Killed by Another
Upon Being a Victim at the Hospital
Upon Dying of Shame
Euthanasia
Posterity
Vilenesses Various
Farting
Bodily Stench
Bad Breath and Toothpicks
Other Orifices Ears and Enemas
Hocking, Spitting and Throat Clearing
Smoking
Plate and Knife Licking
Shaving
Baldness
Dentures
Dandruff
Promiscuous Pissing
Pimple and Black Head Squeezing
Discarded Hairs and Nails
Solitary Masturbation
The Vicissitudes of Clap
Upon Being Clapped Up
Naming Names of Clapper Uppers
Upon Confronting the Clapped Up
Upon Placing the Blame for Venereal Infection
The Syph
The Crab Louse
The Flea
The Sneaky Doing of the Reprehensible
In Pursuit of Comfortable Habits
At the Breast
In the Cradle
In Your High Chair
Upon Throwing Objects Out of Your Perambulator
Beginning Your Daily Adult Day
Toilet
Upon Clothing and Appearances
Upon Having One’s Ultimate Kit
Visiting Your Banker
Visiting Your Bank
At the Barber
At the Chiropodist
The Shoeshine
At the Porno Show
At the Massage Parlour
Upon Saucy Assemblages
In the Proximity of the Horse
At the Stud Sale
At the Races
Upon Choosing Your Racing Colours
Upon Entering Your Horse for the Derby
Polo
Recreational Amusements
Gaming
At the Arena
The Season
Reunions
On Safari
Upon a Gent Marrying a Lady for Her Money
At the Club
Athletic Clubs
At the Theatre
Artistic and Literary Circles
Patronage
At the Fine Art Auction
Voyeurism and Other Peeping Toms
Ecclesiastic Thrill Seeking
Transvestism
A Further and Better Particular of a Frisson
Stripping and Streaking
Perils and Precautions
Upon Being Stung on the End of Your Prick by a Bee on a Golf Course
Dealing with the Insane
In the Elevator
Angers
Upon Coming upon Two Citizens Engaged in a Fight
Upon Witnessing an Indoor Nuisance Befailing a Lady
Upon People Walking Straight into Pools and Water Filled Excavations and There Being Immersed Headlong
Upon Your Spit Landing on Another
Upon a Fair Fight
The Mugger
To Avoid Attack
Upon Giving Assistance to One Attacked
As a Pedestrian
As a Motorist
Upon Confronting a Burglar
Upon Encountering Incivilities from Taxi Drivers
Upon Helping Ladies Too Fat for Taxis to Get in One
Fat Ladies in Phone Booths
When the Overwhelming Desire to Goose a Lady Cannot Be Suppressed
Upon Having without Invitation an Uncontrolled Erection
Upon Being Exorcised
When an Undesirable Moves In Next Door
Suburban Boundaries
Plumbing
As a House Guest
Upon Shortening a Guest’s Stay upon the Country Estate
Upon Being Required to Work as a Guest
The Willing ‘Let’s Go Gang’ Guest
Upon a Commoner Encountering a Member of the Titled Classes
Upon Being a Member of the Titled Classes
The Wife’s Disappearance at the Country House Party
Food Throwers
Upon Encountering Strange and Suspicious Noises
Upon Changing Your Sex
Upon Nude Encounters with Servants
Upon Being of a Colour in an Area Where Such Colour Is Not Highly Esteemed
Upon Some Guest’s Kid Abusing Your Chattels
Upon Suffering Social Descent as a Member of the Gentry to the Lower Classes
The Au Pair
Upon Inheriting a Title or Gaining Rank
Attending the Reading of Wills
Upon Encountering Massive Windfalls
Upon Being Sued
When the World Rats on You
Upon Inlaws Moving In or Trying to Commandeer Your Property
Upon Stabbing Folk in the Back
Upon Doing the Decent Thing in the Face of Many Juicy and Shoddy Alternatives
Upon Presenting Yourself before an Investigating Committee
Upon Replying to Interrogation
Upon Committing Perjury
Upon Bad Mouthing an Enemy
Upon Being Published in a Debtors’ Gazette
Upon the Bailiff or Sheriff Arriving to Possess Goods
Upon Doing unto Others as They Would So Treacherously Delight to Do unto You
Upon Being Unflatteringly Dressed in an Emergency
Upon Letting Your Lawn Grass Grow Long
Upon Being Made Aware of an Insult to Your Hotel Companion
Upon Paying the Bill in a Restaurant
Upon Inducing Folk to Eat Cheap When You Have Invited Them to Dine
Upon Becoming Sick on or Objecting to a Restaurant’s Food
Face Lifting and Plastic Surg
ery
Upon Suing Your Hosts for Injury in Their House
Mischiefs and Memorabilia
Upon Being Cuckolded
Mirrors
Upon Observing Folk Who Appear So Overly Sure of Themselves
Facial Expressions
Displaying Your Medals and Decorations
Upon Walking into Places as If You Own Them
Upon Feeling Out of Place
Upon Folk Putting Their Feet Up on Your Furniture
Upon Travelling in Space
Upon Being a Big Shot
Upon Ennobling Your Noble Spirit
Upon Being Cultured
Upon Being Unknown
Fame and Celebrity
Upon the Display of Sun Tan
On Tipping
Upon Being Snubbed
When You Are Laughed At
Upon People’s Attention Wandering as You Talk
Upon Accepting Prizes Awards and Distinctions
Upon Contributing Money
Upon Using People for What They’re Worth
Upon Living and Let Live
Upon Heaping Abuse on the High and Mighty
Upon Being High and Mighty with the Low and Weak Heaping Abuse
Upon Being a Sportsman
Upon Accosting Your Trusted Manager or Accountant Who Has Been Cheating You over a Long Number of Years
Upon Being Puzzled by the Meaning of Life
Upon the Pointy Two Toned Shoe
Upon the Light Tan Shoe
Upon Being Done the Tiniest of Courtesies
Upon Those Who Lack the Basic Human Decencies
On Wielding Disparaging and Chastening Terms Various
Terms of Reference for Disapproved Folk
Four Letter Words
The Unforgivable Insult
Handy Sayings
Upon the Proper Haughty Posture for the Delivery of Insult
In Extra Ordinary Pukka Conversation
Verbal Invitations
Trembling Your Lid before Flipping It
Handshaking
Bowing
Upon Introduction
Name Dropping
Gatecrashing
Upon Doing Surreptitious Damage at Your Host’s Party
Dancing
The Telephone
Receiving Letters
Letter Writing
Upon Writing the Annual Mimeographed Dear Friends Letter
Upon Replying to an Unexpurgated Form Letter
Christmas
Servants
On Being a Good Butler
Upon the Conduct of Business Negotiations
Upon Being Interviewed
Upon Hiring a Secretary
Duties as a Citizen
Vacating Your Seat on Public Transport
Upon Glances at Ladies
How to Prevent People from Detesting You
Calling Cards
Living in Your Own Little Enclosed World of Privilege and Liking It a Whole Bunch
On Taking Free Reads of Newspaper Headlines
Upon Fouling the Footpath
Upon Ordering Kit
Upon Robbing a Bank
Having Successfully Robbed a Bank
Philosophy
Blowing upon Soup
Upon Opening Your Stately Home to the Public
Upon the Nearby Arrival of a Flying Saucer
Wife Beating
Upon Being to the Manner Born
When Blackballed from a Club to Which You Have Desperately Tried to Gain Admittance
Upon Having Your Picture Taken with Famous People
Hotels
Upon a Lady Exhibiting a Motion Picture of Her Saucy Antics
Upon Encountering Happiness
Upon the Untoward in the Pissoir
Upon Being Old
Upon Disappearing
Upon Exercising a Realistic Thought
The Psychologist
Upon Biting the Hand That Feeds You
Forgiveness
Upon Expecting Fair Play in High Places
When Some Supercilious Cunt Asks Is There Anything Wrong
The Old School Tie
Charm
Upon Various Races Venturing Abroad
Upon Being Down and Out
Meditation
Religions
Caution
Shabby People
Shabby Shabby People
Shabby Shabby Shabby People
Upon Good Manners Honour and Duty Getting You Absolu tely Nowhere
Ingredients for Survival
Epitaph
About the Author
Copyright
Social Climbing
Upon Being Not to the Manner Born
When this unpleasant remark is made about you, stand up, making sure your flies are closed and announce in a firm voice.
‘To hell with that shit.’
You may add, with a hint of hurt modesty flavouring the voice.
‘I was born, wasn’t I, and that’s enough for me.’
Of course your opponent’s high pitched riposte will be.
‘But sir, that is not enough for us.’
Sit down and think. A valuable antique chair helps. Cross your legs and pull up your socks. Right away if your socks are white or otherwise bright you are in trouble unless you happen to be in yachting or tennis gear. In these latter equipages you can assume you are not entirely without hope.
Examine your background. If you really stare it straight in the status it’s surprising the amount of dignity which can be salvaged from the unvarnished truth. Even from the unmitigated wrong side of the tracks or floor of the apartment building, there’s bound to be something that will entitle you to make an effective reply to the lousy remark above. This is why everybody should research around a little in his lineage. Back far enough or out to the side, someone must have been something once.
For orphans who do not know who their parents were, this is sad but by no means socially fatal, and affords you a fresh start. If you have received a Red Cross Life Saving Certificate, riposte pronto with this information. After their first few ha ha ha’s, your temporarily superior opponents will cringe at your hopeless effort to give an accounting of yourself. And you will really feel rotten. Your crestfallen demeanour, however, will make them clear off. They will not be inviting you to their parties. But you are left with a marvellous incitement to social climb.
Useful Rules in Social Climbing
Sketch out and firmly keep in mind your own personal dreams of grandeur in which circumstances you figure you will be when you finally get there. Forthrightly behave as if you had already made it. This will require you to strike various seemingly affected poses and possibly expose you to ridicule, especially in the matter of pretending to descend a grand staircase. It is entirely essential to be indifferent to those who laugh, point and smirk.
Impose a limit upon the speed at which you socially rise. This makes your ascent more graceful. Plus you do not always find yourself surrounded by a bunch of total strangers which can happen when you’ve sped right by everybody. Also any calm casualness by which you can proceed will recommend you to the discerning eye of other dedicated climbers.
Until you are firmly socially established, under no circumstances give large parties with fountains of good champagne and chilled marble bowls of caviar nestled on orchid covered tables. Instead indulge yourself semi privately with these extravagant deliciousnesses. When you get a lot of your folk crammed in your house slamming back the goodies, a socially demeaning conspiracy could get going against you as well as firm friendships which depressingly exclude you.
The smile ranks only after money and ass kissing as the major tool in climbing. It is recommended to smile as often as you can without appearing like a nut. Should someone accost you to say they do not like your smile. Wait. Until you are both on safari. When a lot of suitable ripostes connected with camels will rapidly come to mind and the setting will lend a helpful hand to th
e thrust.
Be easily amused. This is a socially superior characteristic, only improved upon by being highly amused. But for your own safety it is as well to temper this latter quality by never explosively convulsing with laughter except in the presence of established intimates. If however you are temporarily not easily amused and someone who may be of social advantage has put much effort into the telling of a joke, make every effort possible to remark.
‘Hey that’s really rich.’
The greatest social strides forward are always made by unhesitatingly letting people know straight to their faces how wonderful they are, especially in the matter of their apparel.
‘Gee I like the roll on your lapels, I really do.’
The phrase ‘I really do’ offers reassurance to a guy who is not entirely certain his lapels are not for the birds and thinks you’re spoofing him. Also it provides an air of surprise that you couldn’t help blurting out your feelings. This is helpful when a member of the socially elite is suspicious of you. Small expletives such as ‘gee’, ‘hey’ and ‘boy o boy’ can always help make your remarks endearingly credible. When they might otherwise come dangerously close to gross insult. As happens when these small expletives are repeated more than once.
Don’t look back. The faces are not nice to see. Your ascent will cause those whom you have left behind, below and under, to suffer a personality corrosion which will etch upon them looks of deeply grieved resentment.
Finding a Social Circle Which Spirals Upwards
Seek out the spectacularly pukka. These chaps are found in the most likely places and are easily recognized, attired as they usually are at ten a.m. in horse riding kit. Making their acquaintance can be a long time ordeal, occasioning frequent disillusionment, as more than likely on first contact they want to avoid you. Steel yourself against this.
Areas well known for social upward velocities will also be rife with folk running out of their minds frisson hunting in every direction. You can get yourself entangled with the most god awful non entities. Seize it as an opportunity to practise not letting your jaw drop when encountering persons of no account. This is helpful when you finally happen upon the spectacular pukka who is temporarily amusing himself by pretending a much lower social status. Often his signet ring and footwear is a dead give away. Train yourself to recognise these as well as the tell tale old ducks and partly stained but clean tee shirt. He’ll be drinking a beer and relishing the opportunity of being away from household servants and estate workers. And remember, as he is taking time off from the corporation board room where he presides as chairman, the last thing he can stand is a stuffed shirt. But he will welcome the company of a real down to earth regular guy.
The Unexpurgated Code Page 1
