Artistic and Literary Circles
Time spent swimming in these can be extremely entertaining as one constantly encounters folk manfully maintaining that money is not everything. But do make sure you are surrounded by persons whose manuscripts, paintings, sculptures and musical scores are genuine works of art sincerely and originally created and only awaiting recognition by the world at large. There is nothing quite as disappointing as when you find, after your long feverished manoeuvrings to enter this rarified sphere, that all you have encountered are just a bunch of sneaky devious jerks trying to avoid working for a living.
Upon introduction to bona fide artists, always knowingly grasp the varied number of fingers they offer for you to shake. This greeting is common among the intelligentsia and should not cause you to think someone is signifying something regrettably untoward. But prepare yourself for the waspish and wounding epithet or deflating epigram. Literary and artistic people are constantly attempting to reduce each other to tears with these. And it is as well to have in riposte a stream of playful impudences up your sleeve. Such should be spoken in Latin or Greek but don’t for god’s mortifying sake be caught administering these to some brain who speaks such languages fluently.
In approaching literary and artistic giants, in order that they will think that you are somebody, present yourself forcefully and ask them straight off what they are working on now. This clearly shows you are not overawed by what they have already done, whatever utterly forgotten thing that was, which anyway you have never seen, and if you had, you wouldn’t have thought much of it anyway, and that unless their answer is satisfactory, you may take two steps backward out of their inflated reputations. But be careful, some of these titans of art are stubborn bastards indeed. And if you get no reaction from the question.
‘Do you think you are resting on your laurels.’
Then it is time to inquire, provided the esteemed cultural figure is not big and strong.
‘Do you think you have shot your bolt.’
But step way back if the reply comes.
‘I’ll shoot yours for you, you little fucker.’
Patronage
Although this supplies many an hour of amusement it is of course a way of providing someone else with a means of seeking comfortable habits out of which they the patronized would like to see you their patron early dispossessed.
Usually your charge will be a bachelor who has sybaritic tastes and likes to eat, drink and insult you out of house and home. Not only will he require to have his patron’s undivided attention as he points out your failings but also that of your wife and as much of his benefactor’s income as he can persuade him constantly to part with. He will especially demand the best of the great wines along with heaps of hot exotic foods while recounting his major problem which is that no one will let him put his dong where he wants it put. He meanwhile will maintain that the more nobly he is treated the more noble the patron and he shall become.
At the Fine Art Auction
Do not overdress for these usually dusty places. And even though they occur in the morning, carry yourself in a mild afternoon manner. It is quite becoming to wear your coat draped across your shoulders in the manner of the shop lifter, and this together with your bending to look behind or kneeling to look under furniture or sniffing at the surface of paintings will demonstrate your erudition as well as add authority when at the viewing you drop and smash a priceless piece of porcelain and loudly proclaim it a fake.
Be forceful in signalling your bid. Especially in view of the millions being tendered and that you are previously unknown to the auctioneers. Raise your walking stick and shake it vigorously should the broker appear to disregard you. But do not let it interfere with toupees or ladies’ hats. Watch also for the mentally unstable who make a habit of bidding you up insanely high, but possess enough brains to laughingly leave you stuck there.
Voyeurism and Other Peeping Toms
It is widely held that gentlemen do not avail themselves enough of the ready opportunity to watch others in the joyful pursuit of their outdoor intimacies. Especially when this is done in a manner giving the victims some sporting privacy.
Firstly cruise at an even speed until you find the kind of indecency you prefer. Then having assured yourself that it is developing nicely select your spot from which to view. Do not perch in trees nor approach conspicuously in parks and glades closer than fifteen yards and then a newspaper must, as a usual decoy, be raised between oneself and the victims or victim. Your journal should be one of the more erudite financial periodicals which can be read during periods of totally unstimulating action when of course you can also eat your lunch. It is not done to peek under the newspaper but just above the upper edge. Peeking to the side is not only disadvantaged by making your view lopsided but also should be discouraged as making yourself obvious.
When employing the use of binoculars a minimum distance of forty yards must at all times be adhered to. This should be merely estimated and not paced off. As approaching right up to an active display of ruttish lasciviousness has a way of provoking the viewed into an angry protest and quite embarrassing fights have broken out between the observer and observed. Such embranglements are extremely distracting for other peeping toms so engaged who may be just rising to the very apogee of a delicately shivering piquancy which suddenly is quenched by a loutish hair pulling mêlée of half undressed folk entangled and strangling to defend themselves. Should you have provoked such an unnice situation it is de rigueur you retreat to another area of viewing in as unshirty fashion as possible in order that other courtesy abiding voyeurs are not brought into disrepute.
The use of the telescope and tripod is not thought sporting unless secluded by natural cover. Of course this allows employment of even more elaborate equipment right down to providing for the daredevil delights of hair splitting definition. But if your lair, harbouring a massive complex of instruments, is detected, this goes for making subjects self conscious for miles around. Avoid such thoughtlessness. And remember most couples will upon being discreetly viewed find the attention stimulating and will increase the ardour and tempo of their performance. And be fair, when you find proceedings of really splendid viewing possibilities, signal others. But do not allow a conspicuous crowd to collect.
Ecclesiastic Thrill Seeking
This brings to many a deep abiding sense of well being and if such diversion does not already run in your family you’re really missing something. Although very much a deviation of the advanced devout of the northern latitudes, it is gradually being practised more widely especially by discerning pagan misbelieving backsliders.
Ecclesiastical garments can be obtained in most major cities. Remember these are religious vestments and should be handled with respect. Provide a proper place for their keeping and an appropriate chamber for their wearing. Some practised performers prefer to furnish dais and throne with spot lighting and these aficionados will, when attempting the heights of hierarchical high jinks, sometimes assume the rank of supreme pontiff which does of course call for having your own tailor. And although expensive, a mace is a must.
Before reaching the rank of bishop, and for special occasions, archbishop, the warm up ranks of verger, sacristan and deacon are of immense interest. But it is always permitted to immediately provide yourself with the prelatical status you prize. And often sufficient kicks are experienced in simple surroundings by merely seating yourself in a high backed chair facing a large mirror.
Should you be desirous for discreet observance through your windows by your neighbours, it is advised to pretend reading a breviary even though this be nothing more than a movie magazine. Mostly such behaviour awes folk into deep respect. But a note of warning. This kind of make believe, harmless though it may be, has headed many a practitioner on unintended trips to the institution especially when attempts are made to imitate various saints in either dress or behaviour, particularly St John the Baptist.
Transvestism
As bo
th a saucy and pleasant way to spend a Sunday evening at home this is in elite environs regarded highly. But do make sure when proceeding beyond your immediate household confines and especially onto your front porch that you are well enough disguised so that your neighbours don’t, just when someone is calling you Jane, suddenly nudge each other and say isn’t that Tom.
It is essential to avoid altercations when so attired. And this often happens between the very best of friends when least expected. Fathers who have dolled themselves up to give the kids an amusing treat can, for some crazy reason, suddenly get incited to quite hysterical jealousies as they sally about the place. The sight of men fighting and landing haymakers while dressed as women is not at all edifying. But if you do punch your opponent do so cleanly. To start ripping at his dress and him at yours, does make things look extremely unsporting and sets a bad example for the kiddies.
A Further and Better Particular of a Frisson
It is well known that in search of a normal nicety an amputee or other variously discommoded person has but to enter some little morsel of suggestion in the agony column of a reputable newspaper to reap an amplitude of suggested trysts and offers to fulfil any special refinement in the yearnings stemming from his or her missing or discommoded part and often age as well as beauty is immaterial provided the required portion or items are missing and the more absent the better.
Although it may make you highly desirable to those in the know, it is not done to flaunt your maim or disabilities in the presence of the uninitiated. There can be something quite unnecessarily hurtful not to say untoward about a whole gang of folk rushing to seek and seize upon the favours of a total invalid while agreeably handsome able bodied people are left standing idly by, ignored. Similarly it is not nice to impute that someone is not sufficiently incapacitated to awaken your interest, or indeed that because they are entirely in one piece, lack attraction altogether.
Stripping and Streaking
Although sometimes a symptom of someone who is trembling their lid before flipping it, this is a diverting and delightful pursuit which lets the world know you have nothing to hide.
When stripping do not fling your clothes in all directions or attempt at saucy stimulation. Streaking should not commence until totally nude and all erectile tissue is in full rigid tumescence. If, while under way, you tend to overly flap due to largeness in the appendages, reduce your speed.
The best results are obtained from streaking through areas providing genteel audiences. Fashionable boulevards, concert halls, places of worship and where organ recitals are in progress, are especially suitable. But avoid altars and sacrilege. And do remember that in any assembly refined onlooking ladies can find fifty charging hard ons rather too much to take.
Perils & Precautions
Upon Being Stung on the End of Your Prick by a Bee on a Golf Course
Your first shriek will immediately attract the attention of the other players in the foursome who will wonder what the hell’s the matter. When they find out, your further wild gesticulations will throw your golf playing opponents into fits of laughter especially as words of your desperate concern for the future well being of your front tail reaches their ears. Take consolation that their game for the day will be ruined by the muscle strain occasioned by their continuous convulsive laughter and take the opportunity to bet heavily upon yourself. And keep your flies closed.
Dealing with the Insane
The nutty, with their minds chockablock with conclusions, can be recognized by the immediate interest they are willing to take in you. Otherwise their dishevelment can sometimes be the key note, but beware there are exceptions and some dress to kill. With spats adorning gentlemen especially. Chaps in abbreviated trousers declaring they have recent naval information should also be immediately suspected.
Although one is cautioned always to be careful, most nuts are benign and usually only given to strong racial prejudices. The major thing in confronting insanity is don’t be afraid. Stare directly into their eyes and intimidate them by a supreme demonstration of confidence. In facing a weapon pretend to be mad yourself as the lunatic are usually after the sane. Talk rapidly. Do not give the crazy person time to fit bullets in between your words. Say you hope they are able to take advantage of a weekend you were planning with Dad since he invited you both over. But do not stake your life on this latter inducement which, if you yet have a chance after it doesn’t work, the mention of Mom asking you over may have a more calming effect.
In the Elevator
More and more people these days are going up and down in this self consciously tight situation amid the pressing together of bodies and hardening of appendages. In such suspended animation farting or footpath excrement adhering to the shoe can make it most unpleasantly nosy for all. And if someone is fuming or poking where you do not want, the loud statement.
‘O for God’s sake please stop it.’
Will at least improve the silence.
Upon the elevator getting stuck, calmly await rescue and remember those who waste breath complaining usually die first. Be careful never to be just that one extra person who has forced himself on to make the overweighted elevator plummet out of control. Or if you are already on don’t hesitate to scream to get off. If nobody lets you, then keep your knees flexed. There is generally some cushioning effect at the bottom of the shaft for your bouncing protection. And you will get there mighty fast.
Angers
Never throw a thoroughly wasted tantrum. When this kind of energy is expended you want an audience. Although explosive outbursts are generally the prerogative of the boss of a privately owned corporation they should be tried now and again by underlings who enjoy toying with being fired. There is nothing more satisfyingly fulfilling than hearing and seeing devastation wrought from your violence. Especially if at another’s expense and inconvenience. But fury when intense can quickly become a peril. Be careful striking hard or explosive objects or others which may ricochet back. And always make sure the walls are paper thin before attempting to perforate them with your fists.
Upon Coming upon Two Citizens Engaged in a Fight
It is quite an enjoyable sight watching two suddenly infuriated guys really slam each other around and you must take some pleasures where you find them. However good citizenship insists you do something. But first reconnoitre from behind an abutment and stay there if the antagonists are armed. If it is fists, advance closer and then you might, with appropriate sporting admonitions, make sure that fair play obtains. But on no account part the antagonists. Not only is there far too much peacemaking these days, but combatants will frequently turn in your direction and after beating the bejesus out of you, end up shaking hands and complimenting each other on the good job they did doing it.
Upon Witnessing an Indoor Nuisance Befalling a Lady
Although the well bred gentleman never lifts his head or turns to look at a debacle in the restaurant, he is permitted, inwardly of course, to be amused. Should however a waiter trip headlong and let slide duck à l’orange from his platter which pitches gravy, wild rice and all down an unpleasant woman’s back or bodice, one loud guffaw is permitted. Otherwise you wouldn’t be human. She will of course hold this against you for the rest of your life and will try to get even if at all possible and as soon as possible. Some ladies will in fact take the gravy drenched duck itself right off their laps and throw it at you right across the table. Where if you duck the duck and laugh your head off as it hits another man behind you, just one more additional guffaw here could lead to murderous embranglement. Folk really get upset when splattered with victuals or drenched in gravy someone else has ordered or thrown.
Upon People Walking Straight into Pools and Water Filled Excavations and There Being Immersed Headlong
This is certainly an occasion where you may carefully encircle the lower part of your belly with your hands, arch your spine backwards, lift the chin skyward, open up your mouth, and laugh till you are sick, tired, or your emphysema collap
ses you completely. Should your opponent from the muddy water say in a melancholic manner.
‘So you think that’s funny.’
It is permissible to keep on laughing. Water has a way of subduing umbrage in the victim and it will be at least a couple of minutes before he can get angry enough to attack you physically. He also will be handicapped by the extra weight of soaked clothing.
However, should you be the victim spreadeagled in the deep puddle it is sporting to shout to your highly entertained adversary.
‘Hey you thought that was funny, just watch me this time.’
Thereupon repeat the act by relaxing fully and falling again and again like a felled tree in the water. Your opponent’s laughter can then be incited till he’s either maimed with rupture or left with a lifetime affliction of bowel disturbance.
The Unexpurgated Code Page 18
