by Debra Doxer
That night I made dinner, and we ate in silence except for the occasional compliment he gave me about the food. I asked nothing of him, believing he would handle things appropriately, and I gave myself up to that belief because I knew I couldn’t handle anything else myself right now. It was a relief, giving up a struggle I hadn’t intended to start in the first place.
When Monday morning came and my father informed me that I was going to school, I was floored. My mouth opened to argue, but closed just as quickly. Trust him, I reminded myself despite the questions building on my tongue. Instead, I only asked one question.
“What if Jonah’s there?”
“Then stay away from him. But you have to go to school. Everything needs to appear normal.”
Accepting his reply and ignoring the hollow ache in my stomach, I showered and dressed, telling myself that Jonah wouldn’t be at school. He wasn’t actually a high school student. He’d left high school in his rearview mirror years ago. If he was only there to get close to me, which he had to know would never happen now, then there was no point in him showing up. If he was so absentminded that he didn’t know his wallet was gone yet, then I’d just stay away from him like my father said.
Calming myself with those thoughts, I pulled on my coat and met my father in the garage. The ride was quiet, just like dinner last night and all day yesterday. As he came to a stop in front of the school, he said, “Keep your phone on you at all times.”
I nodded, pretending not to hear the sharp edge of worry in his voice. Because if I acknowledged it, I’d want to know why everything had to appear normal today when normal was the last thing I felt.
As I walked into school, my senses were assaulted. The lights were too bright, and the usual noises were too loud. The smell of breakfast cooking in the cafeteria combined with the antiseptic smell of cleaner in the hallway made my stomach lurch. With each step I took, the walls seemed to narrow, closing in on me.
“Candy?” Lea was looking at me, her brow creased with concern.
I blinked, glancing around to realize I had somehow walked directly to my locker.
“How was Saturday night with Jonah? You never texted me.” She leaned against the lockers, pouting a little.
Her question jolted me back to reality. I licked my lips and stared down at my feet, wondering what I should say. I could lie and tell her the date went great, or I could make up a reason for why it hadn’t. If Jonah never came back to school again, it hardly mattered what I said. He’d be a distant memory for everyone soon, and that day couldn’t come quickly enough for me. I swallowed against the acid in my throat because I didn’t even want to think about Jonah, never mind talk about him to anyone.
“I know. Sorry.”
She tried to catch my eye. “So? Did you have fun?”
I licked my dry lips, wondering how to play this.
She leaned in closer, noticing my hesitation. “Did something happen?”
It was on the tip of my tongue to lie, to say something that would completely humiliate Jonah if he knew, like he had a contagious venereal disease or he liked to dress up in women’s clothing. Instead I said something that was boring and wouldn’t lead to endless gossip and more questions about him. “Nothing happened, actually. Turns out, we don’t have any chemistry together.”
“Really?” Lea’s face wrinkled in confusion. “That’s not how it looked from where I was standing.”
I shrugged and yawned too, trying to appear so over it, hoping the burning in my eyes didn’t show. “I know. It’s disappointing, but whatever. It’s not like I’m heartbroken or anything.” The minute I said it and pity filled Lea’s face, I knew I should have gone with the venereal disease excuse.
“Are you guys okay? I mean, is it going to be awkward seeing him in school?”
I barked out a bitter laugh and her face creased again, but this time with worry.
“Awkward? No, not for me,” I replied, clearing my throat and trying to look less insane. If I ever saw Jonah again, awkward would be a major understatement for how I’d be feeling.
Lea offered me condolences, talked about going shopping over the weekend to cheer me up, and then much to my relief, she headed off to class.
When Jonah didn’t make an appearance at my locker this morning like he normally would, I began to feel less on edge and more optimistic that he wouldn’t be in school today. But when I walked into English class a few minutes later, my hands tightened around the strap of my messenger bag because there he was, sitting in his usual seat.
My steps faltered as panic gripped me. Spotting an empty seat across the room, I nearly pivoted in that direction. But then my rage resurfaced and I forced my feet to move, continuing to my usual spot beside him instead of sitting across the room like I wanted to. I wouldn’t give Jonah the satisfaction of avoiding him.
Once I was settled at my desk, I calmed myself down, pulling in slow, even breaths before I turned to look at him.
He was already watching me, his hazel eyes hesitant and his bottom lip slightly swollen with a small scab visible at the crest. It looked like it hurt, and I’d done that to him. At first I felt satisfaction. Then for some reason, my gaze moved to the scar beside his eye and between the two injuries, Jonah looked battered. That thought made something soften inside me, and that softness made me feel weak. No matter how betrayed I felt, I didn’t like seeing him hurt. But I couldn’t be weak. Not now.
I raised my eyebrows in question at Jonah, wondering if he was going to say anything. Just looking at him made my skin feel too tight, as if my body was too small to contain all the emotions brewing inside me. After several silent moments, my bravado faltered and the pressure of tears built behind my eyes.
Turning away, I struggled not to cry, busying myself with pulling my notebook and pen from my bag.
“Candy.” He said my name in a firm but gentle tone.
Still not looking at him, I wondered what he was up to. He had to know I’d discovered who he really was, which was why he hadn’t been in touch. Otherwise he would have demanded an explanation for what I’d done to him. But he hadn’t. He knew what I’d found in his wallet, and so his charade was over. Except it wasn’t over because he was still here. What the hell was he doing here?
“Hi, Jonah. I didn’t hear from you after our date.”
“You bit me. That doesn’t exactly say call me in my book.”
I turned and glared at him, surprised when he looked back at me with a volatile combination of anger and frustration.
“It’s kind of pervy, you know,” I said quietly so that only he could hear me. “A grown man seducing a high school girl.”
Jonah flexed his jaw. “I want my wallet back.”
He was having one conversation and I was having another. “You’re not very good at this covert stuff, leaving your wallet around for me to find.”
“But you’re good at taking things that don’t belong to you.” He leaned over the aisle toward me. “We need to talk.”
It was then that Mr. Harris closed the door and cleared his throat, letting us know class was starting.
“The fact that you pretended to save me from Mr. Harris is pretty ironic.” I couldn’t help tossing that out.
I saw him gripping the sides of his desk before I turned my attention to the front of the room, determined not to look at him again, and I didn’t look, despite the thickness in the air between us. But I did watch the clock, anticipating the end of class, knowing he’d be on me once the bell rang.
The forty-five minutes of class felt more like five hours, but once it ended I bolted from my desk, not looking back. I bee-lined my way to the door, having to stop and open it because I was the first one there. I managed to get almost twenty feet down the hallway before a large hand wrapped around my upper arm, stopping me. For a second I thought, he’s going to hurt me.
Reaching for my phone to hit my father’s number, I geared up to scream in the crowded hallway. When I whipped around to face him, he saw
something in my expression that startled him and he immediately released me, looking shaken.
“Candy, come on. It’s just me.”
I stepped back until I hit the wall, wanting to put distance between us. Right, it’s just him.
Jonah expelled a heavy breath, raking a hand through his hair as he took a step closer. “I’m the same person I was before you looked in my wallet.”
“I’m sure you are.”
His eyes closed for a moment before he took another step, and now he was close enough to hover over me, blocking me from the crowd in the hall. “Come to the auto shop room with me and give me a chance to explain.”
My mouth fell open. “You’ve got to be kidding. How stupid do you think I am? You can stop pretending because I know it was you.”
His forehead wrinkled. “What was me? What are you talking about?”
I tried to lean farther away, but the wall was there, giving me nowhere to go.
“My father tried to tell me, but I wouldn’t listen. I still have nightmares about it,” I said around the lump forming in my throat. “I’m lucky I didn’t lose my fingers. You have no idea how scared I was in that freezer, and you’re the one who locked me in there.” My eyes filled with tears and I dashed them away, hating that I was breaking down in front of him.
His face dropped. “Candy, no. How could you think that?” When he reached out to touch my cheek, I flinched and saw pain flash in his eyes.
I couldn’t look at him anymore. Even now, he was pretending, and I couldn’t bear it. Keeping my eyes trained on the floor, I said, “Please stop talking and walk away.”
Instead of leaving, he leaned in closer until his forehead was nearly touching mine. “I promise you it wasn’t me. You have to believe me.”
Saying nothing, I kept my gaze on the floor, wishing I’d stayed home today. Noises sounded from the end of the hallway, laughter echoed off the walls, and people called loudly to each other as they moved to their next class.
“We can’t talk here. Let’s go somewhere so I can explain.”
When I shook my head and tried to move to the side, his arms came up to block me. He rested both hands against the wall, one on either side of my head. “Look at me, Candy.”
I swallowed, silently refusing.
One of his hands slid closer to me. His fingers curled, brushing against the nape of my neck, threading through the fine hairs there, rubbing softly.
My eyes slowly shut because it felt so good. I hated how good it felt.
“Please look at me.”
The tremor of desperation in his voice made me reluctantly look up. His eyes latched onto mine.
“I did not lock you in that freezer. I could never, ever do that, and no matter what he told you, I can’t believe you would think it even for a second.” He pulled in a breath, fighting for calm. “I wasn’t supposed to feel this way about you. I fought it because hurting you was the last thing I wanted. But I couldn’t fight it anymore and I rationalized my feelings, telling myself that I wasn’t hurting you. I was saving you. From him.”
My eyes searched his and I knew. He was talking about my father. “Saving me? This was never about me. I mean, how did you really expect this to go? How did you think I’d react when I found out?”
His tense mouth drew into a straight line. “I thought you’d be reasonable. I thought you’d give me a chance. I never thought you’d believe I could lock you—” He broke off, hanging his head, and I felt an unwelcome twinge in my heart for him.
Jonah’s eyes met mine again. “Forget what you saw in my wallet for a minute and think about how you feel. We both know what happened between us was honest. Every glance, every kiss, every touch was the truth. It was our truth. We found it together.”
When I tried to look away again, his hand came up to my cheek to stop me. “Don’t make up your mind about me without hearing me out. I don’t want to lose you, Candy. I already feel like you’re mine. All I want is to take care of you.”
My chest hurt because I wanted to believe him so badly. I didn’t want to feel so alone all the time. I wanted to belong to someone. I wanted to belong to Jonah. But he wasn’t Jonah, and craving something so foolish was self-destructive. It didn’t matter how I felt or what he had to say, because I couldn’t trust those feelings any more than I could trust him.
I swallowed, steeling myself for what I had to do, knowing I had to be smart and not emotional. “If you don’t walk out of this school right now, I will go to the office and tell them who you are. Since I’m guessing you’re not the police or part of any sanctioned group of law enforcement, I don’t think you want that. Do you, Cooper?”
For a moment he didn’t react. He just watched me with something unsettling working behind his eyes. Then his nostrils flared and with a mutinous look, he pushed away from the wall and away from me. “I’m not your enemy.”
“You’re not my friend either. You’re not my boyfriend. You’re not my anything.”
Jonah ground his teeth together, and the hurt in his eyes pierced right through me. But I could no longer believe anything about him, no matter how real it seemed. There was no going back from here, no rewind button. I couldn’t un-know things or pretend I hadn’t seen the other ID in his wallet. It was over, and his showing up here today just made the end that much bloodier.
“Your father doesn’t deserve your loyalty or the faith you have in him,” Jonah said. “He doesn’t deserve you, period.”
Then he turned and stalked down the hallway. I kept watching him go until he disappeared around the corner and the main doors of the school slammed closed behind him.
***
With a shaky hand, I texted my father, letting him know that Jonah was in school and had confronted me. Once he’d determined I was all right, he told me to stay and finish out the school day. It was one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do, and as much as I wanted to run home and hide in my bedroom, I needed to show him and myself that I could handle it.
While the words I’d just had with Jonah played over and over in my head, and my body felt like I was wading through mud, I pasted on a smile and went to lunch. Everyone was there except for Jonah, thank goodness, even Parker. It was her first time back since the prank I pulled. After that humiliation and how mean the guys were to her during our last lunch together, I didn’t think she’d want to sit here anymore.
The boys were laughing when I joined them. “What’s so funny?” I asked.
“The Tiki Theater,” Ethan replied, wagging his eyebrows.
“The Tiki Theater,” I repeated, not understanding.
Across the table, Lea rolled her eyes. “It’s a seedy little place they found in Claymore, right next to the Pizza Hut. It plays porn for guys who like to sit in dark theaters with other guys and play with themselves.”
“Like Pee Wee Herman.” Malcolm grinned.
I raised a dubious brow, relieved to have the distraction of another ridiculous Ethan story. “You’re hanging out at the Tiki Theater now?”
“We’re more like tourists,” Ethan said, inspiring another eye roll from Lea.
“Because who doesn’t want to be like Pee Wee Herman, right?” I commented, opening my soda and taking a long sip.
“I hope you shower when you get home.” Parker wrinkled her nose before turning her attention to me. “So, Candy, no Jonah today?”
This again? My shoulders tensed up. Looking around the table, I shrugged and said, “I guess not.”
“I thought you two ate lunch together every day.”
“You thought wrong.”
Lea shot me a sympathetic look.
Ethan noticed the exchange. “Something up with you two? Last I heard, things were good.”
“No. There’s nothing up.” I said it casually, wanting the subject dropped because there was no way I was talking about Jonah all through lunch with them. “You guys tell me what’s new with you. What’s everyone doing for Christmas break?” Then I smiled and it was so wide and
brittle, I thought my face might crack.
After an awkward silence, Malcolm came to the rescue by telling us his plans, but the residual curiosity was palpable, and I could feel Ethan and Parker continuing to stare at me.
After lunch, as I headed toward my locker, Parker sidled up next to me. I sighed, not surprised, and wished once again that I didn’t have to stay here and finish out the day.
“I know it was you,” she stated. “You ruined hundreds of dollars worth of makeup.”
I looked right at her. “And you tracked down my ex looking for dirt on me.”
Crossing her arms over her ample chest, she said, “You’re not about to tell me we’re even, are you?”
I knew she was referring to when Jonah said those words to her. “We’re hardly even. Talking to my ex wasn’t your only crime and we both know it.”
Her eyes hardened, but worry creased her brow.
“Look, Parker, I don’t want to fight with you. I can get over it if you can.” It was the truth. I might have been looking to stir things up when I first got here, but now I had plenty of drama. My plate was full. Besides, if she went to the principal, Lea might get pulled into our little war for the part she played, and I didn’t want that. She didn’t deserve it.
Parker squinted, looking skeptical. “Tell me what’s going on with Jonah and I might be willing to forget what you did.”
It was hard not to roll my eyes at her and her pathetic obsession with Jonah. If she only knew.
Lea came up to us then, her gaze shifting between our faces, trying to gauge our moods.
Parker was still watching me, waiting. After a moment, she glanced at Lea. “Lea knows. If you won’t tell me, she will.”
Lea shot me a wide-eyed look of panic and I shrugged tiredly. “It’s not a secret. You can tell her.” I zeroed in on Parker. “But don’t say I never did you any favors.”
As I walked away, I could already picture Parker cheering about the demise of Jonah and me, and plotting ways to get with him herself.
