by S M Olivier
“I’ll go with you,” Sierra offered.
Jemmy looked relieved because I knew she was itching to get to Sephora. “Okay,” she said excitedly. “I’m going to head over to Sephora.”
“I’m going with her!” Dawn exclaimed.
“Me too!” Rachel added.
I groaned jokingly. “You do realize Christmas is four days away and the reason for the season is to buy for others, right?”
“This is a gift for everyone,” Jemmy dramatically waving a hand in front of her face. “I bring beauty so others can find happiness in it.”
Dawn and Rachel began to giggle, and I rolled my eyes. Truth be told, she was beautiful with or without makeup. She really didn’t need any. “You keep telling yourself that,” I teased her. “I for one am getting my last-minute gifts. I’ll text you when I’m done at the post office.”
“We might answer,” Jemmy huffed.
I laughed. “You will,” I told her as I verified that I had my phone, post office key, and wallet in my coat pockets.
“Maybe,” she called to my retreating back.
I threw a wave over my shoulder. She was all talk, no action.
“Want to get a coffee?” I asked Sierra as we left the parking lot and got on the sidewalk.
“Mmm maybe a hot chocolate,” Sierra enthused as she closed her eyes and inhaled the crisp air. She wasn’t much of a coffee drinker, which made me believe she was partly un-American. Who didn’t like coffee?! That was like saying you hated apple pie, baseball (honestly, I could care less about baseball, but I would still go to a game), and hot dogs!
“How are you feeling?” Sierra asked as we made our way through the throngs of people.
I was starting to resent that question. A lot of people were asking me that nowadays. I found them watching me and looking at me with worry. I was never much into sitting around the campfire and singing Kum ba yah. In other words, I hated showing weakness and talking about my feelings with other people. I had spent too many years learning how to protect myself and handling things on my own.
Earlier, I had spent over ten minutes arguing with Remy; he hadn’t wanted me to go to town with just the girls. He was always protective, but since I had fallen ill, he was excessively so now. I loved him for it, but it was also slightly…infuriating. The girls had to reassure him that I would never be left alone, and if I even looked like I was getting sick, I needed to come straight home.
“Better,” I answered concisely. “I’m up, and I’m moving, so I’m good.”
“It still blows my mind,” Sierra said quietly. “I knew our connections could have an impact on us physically, but I didn’t realize losing a connection or not making a connection could be that debilitating.”
“Apparently it works in varying degrees for everyone.” I grimaced. “I guess since my gifts are so…powerful, my decline would be just as devastating.”
We finally reached the coffee shop, and I was thankful to end the conversation. I felt like I had spent too many days in thought about my current situation and it was only wearing on me mentally. I needed to start looking for all the good around me and stop focusing on the bad or I would suffer for it.
“I may need your help,” Sierra said, apparently realizing I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. We joined the line. It was just as packed in here as it was on the street.
“With what?” I asked as I started looking at the coffee cups and other coffee paraphernalia near the line.
“I know Gavin likes to play guitar, and the last time we were in town I saw him looking at the ones in the pawn shop. His parents offered to send him his, but you know how he is. He hates being an inconvenience to others, so I wanted to get him one for Christmas. Can you pick out the best one they have?”
I nodded with a smile. “No problem. I could do that. Would you like to go now or wait until we’re on the way back from the post office?”
“We can wait. You only have a small package, right? I wouldn’t want to haul a guitar around everywhere.” Sierra smiled widely with a new pep to her step.
We finally got to the front of the line, and I ordered her a large hot chocolate and a large peppermint mocha for myself. As an impulse buy, I also bought six bags of the chocolate covered espresso beans. They would be a great stocking stuffer for the guys. Then I decided to grab four of the snowmen mugs with hot cocoa and marshmallows in it for the kids’ stocking stuffers. I really wasn’t going crazy on the children. From the sounds of it, everyone from the team was going overboard with their gifts.
“The holidays used to stress me out,” I confided quietly to Sierra. “I was so destitute, and I had so many bills to pay. It was hard for me to give Ella a good Christmas every year. Then she would go to school, and all the kids would brag about what they got for Christmas. She never complained, but I know it was embarrassing and hard for her. It’s still so surreal to me that I can buy gifts for so many people and not stress about draining my bank account.”
Sierra nodded solemnly. “We weren’t that bad off, but we weren’t rich either. The few times I saw my mother growing up was when she was out of money. She always said it was to see me, but the moment she found something of value at my abuela’s to sell, she was gone again.
She sighed, then continued. “I almost didn’t get to go to college because she got ahold of the bank account my abuela and I had worked so hard to get money into. Since my name was on the account, and I wasn’t technically adopted by my abuela, she was able to drain it all.
“Luckily, I got a fantastic summer job during my Junior year, and I earned some scholarships. She showed back up just in time to watch me graduate, denied stealing my money− although we had proof− then she had the nerve to ask me to help her with her bills and groceries.
“Abuela always looked the other way when she stole from her, but she completely cut her off when she found out she took from me. I think my mom reached the end of the road. She contracted HIV from the used needles and unprotected sex and went into hospice. It forced her to clean up. That’s when I finally formed a relationship with her. So, I can understand why Jemmy and Dawn feel like Miranda shouldn’t have a part in the children’s lives, but my abuela showed me what love really was and was always there to pick up the pieces. The kids are lucky that they have not you but the whole family as well. It’s not the same, but at least they have a strong support system.”
We were taking a leisurely stroll behind the shoppers in front of us, and I felt touched that she shared so much with me. I was once told bottling stuff up wasn’t healthy for me. Slowly but surely, I was learning to trust those around me enough to share more about myself.
“Thanks for having my back, back there,” I told her as we finally reached the post office. “Jemmy’s mom hurt her, and I think she expects all mothers to do the same, and let’s be honest—the gifted people we know don’t have the greatest families. And except for Gavin, I’ve met a lot of broken gifted people.”
“Did you know about her dad?” she asked me tentatively.
I shook my head. “Drake asked me if we could talk about it, but we haven’t gotten around to it. In a way, I don’t blame him.” I shrugged. “It’s one thing to lose a parent in an accident or by sickness but another thing to deal with wondering if you’re the reason your parent suffered from a silent sickness that made him want to end his life.”
Sierra nodded. “Not to say one loss is harder than another, but I can completely see that.”
I reached my box and withdrew the slip telling me I had a package to pick up. I stood in line once more, getting antsy. I hoped the gift was as beautiful in person as it was online. I tried to be thoughtful in my gift giving this year and hoped they appreciated it.
When I got to the front of the line, I handed the postman my slip and waited patiently for him. I couldn’t wait to get home to open Drake’s present, so I found the little table they had for packing boxes and ripped it open. I opened the book and inhaled the new smell and nearly sighed
with pleasure. It smelled so delightful.
The cover was straightforward and very Drake. He wouldn’t have wanted anything flashy or bold. The only regret I had was that I had to use stock photos for some of his recipes as opposed to taking pictures of his actual dishes.
His name was written in gold on the bottom of the cover. I slowly flipped through the pages, and my smile grew bigger. His OCD tendencies rivaled mine except for his binders and recipe boxes. They had always been thrown together haphazardly. Now he had something that was super organized, complete with colored tabs for each category.
“He’s going to love it,” Sierra said confidently. “The plus side with him is you know you’ll have something to give him every year since he is constantly making new recipes and jotting them down.”
I laughed. “That was my thinking exactly.”
“What do you have planned for the other guys?” she asked.
I shook my head. “I don’t feel like saying yet,” I admitted. “I tried to give all of them a personal experience versus something they’ll just open up.”
She started to giggle. “Maybe I don’t want to know, but maybe I need some ideas for Gavin.”
I laughed as we left the post office. “Let’s just put it this way… the last package I picked up from here was rather large and required me to learn something I generally would have never done in the past, but for Noah I did.”
“Does it have anything to do with that empty room you keep using and locking everyone out of when you’re in there?” Sierra covered her mouth her eyes wide with curiosity.
“Yes and no.” I sighed and braced myself. “You know Noah’s a dancer. Well, once…” I felt my face warming. “He did a strip tease for me, so I saw an ad for a portable stripper pole. I’ve been watching YouTube videos, and it came with a DVD to learn how to do it. So, I’ve been teaching myself how to do that for Noah. For Jace, I’ve written him a song, and I plan to play it and sing it for him when we can go away together.”
I don’t know why I was divulging so much information to Sierra. Maybe it was because I knew she wouldn’t tease me or spill my secrets to the other girls, who seemed worldlier and knew more about relationships than I did. They were a font of information for me at times, but I wouldn’t trust them with my secrets. At least not the ones in the bedroom or when I was trying to be sweet to the guys.
“You are so creative!” Sierra enthused. “I wish I could be just as creative. Instead, I got Gavin his favorite snacks, some new clothing, and now his guitar.”
“He’s going to love it,” I insisted. “He always carries that guitar pick in his wallet, but he hasn’t played for some time. In fact…” I frowned. “I don’t think I have ever heard him play, but I imagine if he’s as humble about his guitar skills as he is about his singing, he’ll be amazing.”
Sierra paused. “Sometimes I feel like you know him more than Jemmy and I do. I didn’t even realize that he carried a guitar pick.”
I bit my lip. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to make you feel that way. Because of the way I was raised I tend to observe people more than I probably should,” I admitted ruefully.
She laughed and shook her head as she grabbed my arm. “I’m not jealous or even mad at you. In fact, I believe if it wasn’t for you he would have stuck around. He wouldn’t have decided to take the next step with us.”
“I’m glad to see that you guys seemed to have clicked.” I smiled at her.
We went to the pawn shop next, and we immediately were accosted by the merchant behind the counter. He saw us looking at the guitars and came over to us even though his shop was pretty busy.
“Hey, ladies,” he chirped. “Anything I can help you with?” He was an older man, middle-aged, that may have been attractive in his prime, but his love for food and drink must have taken a toll on him. His belly hung over his pants and belt. He smelled like he had been drinking although I had a suspicion he was just sweating out his beer from the night before. Since we’d been standing there, I’ve observed him wipe the sweat from his brow four times.
“May I see that Seagull and Yamaha?” I asked as I leaned over the counter.
“Sure thing,” he said eagerly as he pulled them down off the wall. “Are you sure you don’t want to try out this Gibson?” He pointed to a slightly battered, pink guitar.
I shook my head. I already knew where this was going. He was seeing two young girls and was assuming we wouldn’t know what we were looking at and could easily be swayed.
“No thanks.” I shook my head, picked up the Seagull, and started to strum the guitar. It was horribly out of tune and needed new strings, but she was beautiful.
I looked at the price tag and immediately knew it was overpriced. “You need new strings for this one, and you could probably find it brand new for nearly the same price,” I told Sierra before I picked up the next guitar.
“I just restrung that myself, and you know it’s worth a lot more than what I’m asking for,” the shopkeeper blustered.
I shrugged ruefully. I knew exactly how most of these shops worked. They made their money by overcharging people for stuff they got for next to nothing. Heidi had sold Ella’s keyboard for twenty dollars to a pawn shop, and a week later it was on the sales floor for four times that much. They laughed at me when I showed them the receipt of the original purchase. Places like this had left a bad taste in my mouth.
Instead of arguing with the shopkeeper, I began to strum a few chords on the next guitar and was more impressed with this one. I played for a few more minutes before I looked at the price tag. He was still asking too much for it.
“Soooo?” Sierra asked tentatively. I saw her grimace at a price, but the other ones hanging up weren’t even worth looking at.
“I think that it’s overpriced, but it’s beautiful,” I told her. “There’s a music store on the next block. They might even have their instruments on sale for Christmas.”
“Not at these prices,” the man spluttered. “Sweetheart, I know instruments, and I know it’s a price you can’t beat. I’m sure you think you might know it all with all your google searches, but you can’t get better for the price.”
I laughed at him, actually laughed. “Honey,” I said in the same condescending tone. “I played in one of the most prestigious schools in the country. I assure you Google didn’t teach me what I know or what things are worth, especially since it’s used.”
I hadn’t noticed another man slide up until he chuckled. The family resemblance was there, however, he was taller and more fit than his brother; maybe a cousin. He was dressed impeccably and carried himself like he was the one who honestly kept the shop up and running.
“What do you want to pay for it?” the newcomer asked.
I narrowed my eyes at him and told him I wanted it for half of what the asking price was.
The sweating overweight man laughed cruelly at me.
I shrugged. “Let’s go,” I told Sierra. “We can go down the street.”
“Give it to her Joe,” the taller man stated, a small smile around his lips. “I like her moxie. What school did you go to?” he asked with interest.
“Knightstown,” I stated as I gave Sierra a small smile. She looked relieved and happy about the new price.
“Really?” he asked with interest. “What was your audition piece?”
“Rumination,” I stated. “It’s an original piece.”
He gave me a look full of disbelief. “I heard that school frowns upon original pieces. My son has his eyes set on that school.”
“It was frowned upon,” I stated as I shrugged and started toward a violin I had just noticed. It reminded me of the violin Jace favored. I looked at the price tag and cringed. I had the money, but I didn’t want to pay that price.
“Can you play it for me?” the man asked, pointing towards a keyboard. “I’ll throw in the violin for half the price as well,” .
“Ronnie,” Joe spluttered. “Are you insane? You know we can get our asking prices
.”
I smirked at Joe and walked over to the keyboard located on the shop floor. It wouldn’t sound the same, but I’ve played on worse. I warmed up for a few moments before I began to play it. I closed my eyes and lost myself in the music.
This was home for me. This was how I had a voice when I had no words to say. This was the only connection I had with the man I called Dad. I had spent so many hours with him in front of the piano learning how to play. Then, because I had a drive for perfection, I had pushed myself harder and harder until he handed me a guitar to conquer as well.
Rumination was my heart’s song. It told the listener about the life I had left. It let them see the anger, fear, despair, and hope I had experienced. I was able to lose myself in the music, and where I would have usually ended it, I instead continued telling my story. I conveyed the love I found. I transported the listener to the acceptance and belonging I finally had with my connections.
My music wasn’t premeditated. I had already completed this song. Or so I thought. Just as my story had continued, so did the song. The music turned darker as I thought about what lied ahead. I still had a man out there that wanted to ruin my way of life and those of so many others that I had come to care for. I had gained acceptance of having six men in my life. Now I had a seventh mystery man out there, and I had no clue how I was going to find him.
I remember thinking my gift was a curse, briefly, but it had brought me my guys. Now I was in danger of losing it, and my body was failing me. Who knows what would happen if I didn’t find this new connection? What would become of us? What would become of me?
When I looked up, I noticed I had captivated an audience around me. Slowly everyone started clapping, and I felt suddenly shy. It hadn’t been my intention to entertain or draw a crowd, especially with something so personal. I just wanted our instruments at a reasonable price. I played for bigger groups, but that song was too close to my heart. I felt raw and exposed.
Ronnie looked thoughtful for a moment. “Well, I’m questioning my son's talent now,” he said dryly.
“We’ll take the guitar and violin,” Sierra stated firmly, and I was grateful that she had seen my need to withdrawal.
