by Ali Novak
“What’s going on?” Danny asked as we watched the EMT load Nathan into the back. “Is he okay?”
“I don’t know,” I said, as the bile rose in my throat. “I heard shouting—Cole was carrying him—and, oh God!” I stumbled back into one of the kitchen chairs and let my head fall between my knees as I gasped for breath. My thoughts were reeling, back to the day of my family’s accident, and now all I could see were their faces blinking by in my vision, Nathan’s included.
This wasn’t happening. Not again.
“Come on, Jackie,” Danny said, gripping my shoulder and giving me a shake. “Isaac has the truck running. We’re going to the hospital.”
Despite the fact that my head was spinning, I let him pull me from the house without a fight. My thoughts were in a different place, miles away. Not once during the ride to the hospital did I think about how awkward I should be feeling sitting next to Alex. It didn’t matter. All I could think about was the fact that I might be losing another person I cared about.
Nobody knew what was wrong. All Cole said was that he went out to the barn this morning and found Nathan unconscious. The only guess that I could make was that he must have tripped while he was running and knocked himself unconscious. But even that theory sounded absurd.
Isaac’s lead foot got us to the hospital almost faster than the ambulance. Before he could even park, the truck doors flew open and everyone piled out. We tore across the parking lot and flooded the front lobby where a startled nurse directed us to the ER.
After so much rushing and panic, time passed slowly in the waiting room. No one spoke as we sat in the uncomfortable chairs, hoping to hear news from the doctors about Nathan. Cole was pacing the length of the room. Katherine was silently crying, her head resting on George’s shoulder, and Isaac was tapping his foot so hard that I was surprised he didn’t put a hole in the floor.
Finally, a man in a white coat appeared.
“Katherine Walter?” he asked, looking up from his clipboard.
She shot up out of her chair. “Yes?” she asked, her voice cracking. “That’s me.”
After introducing himself as Dr. Goodman and going through all the pleasantries that nobody cared to hear, he told us the news that we were waiting for. “Your son Nathan has just woken up, and it looks like he is going to be fine,” he said, offering her a smile.
Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.
“Oh, thank God,” Katherine said, putting her hand to her heart. “When can we see him?”
He paused. “Nathan is in stable condition,” he started to say. From the way he was looking at Katherine, I knew he had more news, but was choosing his words carefully. “But there is something we need to discuss first. Your son suffered a severe concussion. We still have to do some more tests, but our initial diagnosis is that Nathan fell and hit his head after suffering a seizure,” Dr. Goodman said.
“A seizure?” George echoed in astonishment. “How is that even possible?”
Dr. Goodman explained to the Walters that Nathan’s seizure was a result of excessive neuronal activity in the brain, a common chronic neurological disorder known as epilepsy. He also explained that while about fifty million people worldwide suffer from epilepsy, a good portion of those people only experience one seizure in their whole lifetime.
“May we please see him now?” Katherine asked once Dr. Goodman finished explaining the condition.
“Of course,” he said, looking around the waiting room. As he noticed our huge group, he added, “But family only.”
Everyone stood up and followed the doctor. I trailed after them slowly, not knowing what to do. Would I be allowed to see Nathan? As I watched everyone disappear into a hospital room, I decided I didn’t care what the doctor said. One more person wouldn’t hurt. Just as I was about to duck in, Lee stepped out into the hall to face me.
“Where do you think you’re going?” he asked me with his usual scowl on his face.
“To see Nathan,” I told him with a determined look on my face.
“Didn’t you hear the doctor?” he asked. “Family only.”
“Lee, come on,” I responded, and I could hear the hurt in my tone. “I live with you guys. I count too.”
“Jackie,” he said slowly, a cruel gleam in his eyes. “You could live with us for the rest of your life and it wouldn’t matter. You will never be part of our family.”
I turned away from him, letting the words sink in. He was right. I didn’t belong.
“Besides,” Lee said, hissing at me, “why should you get to see him when it’s your fault he’s in here?”
“What?” I squeaked, not believing my ears. I turned to face him, in spite of the fact that my eyes were starting to water. His gaze locked with mine, his expression venomous.
“You heard me,” he drawled. “This never would have happened if you’d gone running with Nathan. But you were too busy sulking in your room, weren’t you? All because Alex doesn’t like you anymore.”
It was as if he’d slapped me. “No,” I said, shaking my head, but I was already reeling from his implication and I took a step back in horror.
Lee’s lips curled in disgust. “Just go away, Jackie,” he told me.
And I did.
It was the last place anyone would ever look for me. I didn’t know how I ended up there, but Will had always been nice whenever I saw him. He rented a small one-bedroom apartment in town that was only a fifteen-minute walk from the hospital.
I’d been to his place once before when Katherine asked Cole and me to drop off a box of invitations that she wrote out for Will and Haley’s upcoming wedding. That was over a month ago, and I was afraid I’d forgotten how to get there. But the apartment complex was right off the main road, and when I spotted it, I let the air pent up in my lungs slip passed my lips in relief.
Nobody answered when I first knocked. I was afraid momentarily that he wasn’t home, but when I pounded for the second time, Will pulled open the door, still half asleep.
“Jackie?” he asked, his eyes squinting in the daylight. His usual ponytail was missing, and his blond hair fell down to his shoulders. “What are you doing here?”
“Sorry, Will. I didn’t mean to wake you,” I said, wringing my hands behind my back. “It’s just that, when we first met, you told me that if I ever needed anything I could talk to you.”
“Oh,” he said, pulling open the door. “Come in.”
The inside of Will’s apartment was a cave. There was only one window in the main room, and the black curtains were drawn closed to keep the space dark.
“Make yourself comfortable,” he said, shutting the door, which cut off the room’s only source of light.
I carefully made my way toward what looked like the outline of a couch, and I managed to get there only banging my toe once.
“Would you like some coffee?” Will asked.
I could hear him navigating through the darkness like an expert, guided by the numbers on the microwave’s digital clock like a sailor with the night constellations.
“Please,” I told him.
Will reached the tiny kitchen and flipped on a light switch. As he shuffled back and forth, turning the coffeepot on and grabbing mugs, I inspected the room around me. Besides the couch and the table I’d stubbed my toe on, the only other furniture was a reclining chair that looked like it was going to fall apart the next time someone sat down. There was also a bookshelf that was almost empty except for a small collection of tiny, potted cacti. Compared to the old furniture, the only thing in the room that looked new was the flat-screen TV hanging directly in front of me on the far wall.
“Cream, sugar?” Will called.
“Just cream.”
There was the distinct clanking of a spoon being stirred and the fridge door slamming shut, and then Will came out of the kitchen with two steaming cups. He handed
one to me before taking a spot on the recliner. Amazingly, it didn’t collapse.
“So,” Will said. “What’s wrong?” He hadn’t taken a sip of his coffee, yet he was starting to look more awake than when I’d first found him.
There was no point in beating around the bush. “Nathan’s in the hospital,” I told him as calmly as possible.
“What?” It was a good thing that Will had already set his coffee down, because if he hadn’t, I think he would have dropped it in his lap. “Was there an accident on the ranch?”
“Not exactly,” I said. “He had a seizure.” When I saw the dread on Will’s face, I added, “Don’t worry. The doctor said he should be fine.”
Will was shaking his head in disbelief. “But how did this happen?”
I paused. “They said he has epilepsy.”
“But—he’s so young.”
“I don’t think age has anything to do with it.”
“I know, it’s just…” He trailed off, burying his face in his hands.
“I’m so sorry, Will.”
He was still for such long time that when he suddenly stood up, making the recliner screech in protest, it startled me. “Is everyone still at the hospital?” he asked.
“Yes, I think so.”
“All right.” He snatched a pair of keys off the table. “I just need to put on a different shirt and then—wait,” he said, stopping to stare at me. “Why aren’t you there? How did you even get here?”
I flinched at his questions. “I–I walked here.”
“Why did you do that?” he asked. Glancing away, I didn’t say anything for a long time. There was no way I was going to tell Will what Lee had said to me. “Jackie, are you okay?”
I sighed. “I left the hospital because I couldn’t handle the thought of Nathan being hurt,” I told him. “It reminded me of, of—”
“The accident,” Will finished for me in a whisper.
“Yeah.” It wasn’t a lie. When Cole had brought Nathan to the kitchen unconscious, I was overwhelmed by the fear of losing someone else I cared about.
“Oh God, Jackie. I’m so sorry.”
Then I was crying, big heaving sobs that made my chest tight and throat sore. I was crying because of so many things: the blank, uncaring look I saw in Cole’s eyes at Mary’s party, and the crushed look in Alex’s when he saw me with his brother, Nathan’s accident, Lee’s cruel words, the loss of my family and home. And I was crying because I knew I shouldn’t be. Will was the one who had just found out his brother was in the hospital, but still he sat by my side, trying to comfort me.
“Shhh, it’s going to be okay, Jackie.”
But I didn’t know if it would be.
***
I must have cried myself to sleep. When I opened my eyes, I could feel the dried tears on my cheeks and the hair plastered to the side of my face. My neck was stiff from lying on the couch. I knew I was still at Will’s, but the apartment was dark again and I couldn’t see anything.
“Will?” I called out, my voice groggy.
“He’s at the hospital.”
The lamp next to the couch clicked on to reveal Cole sitting in the recliner. There were circles under his eyes and his hair was sticking up in the back, as if he had been trying to sleep in the chair but couldn’t get comfortable.
“What are you doing here?” I demanded. Seeing him made me feel sad all over again.
“Will wanted to go see Nathan, but he didn’t want to leave you alone, so he called me.”
I lay back down on the couch so I wouldn’t have to look at him. After falling asleep, Will must have tucked a blanket around me and I pulled it up to my chin now for protection. “But why are you here?” I asked, rephrasing my question.
“Because I was worried about you.”
I forced a laugh. “Please, you don’t need to lie.”
“Why would I lie to you?”
“Cole, stop pretending like last night and everything that went down at the party didn’t happen,” I said. “I’m not in the mood for your bullshit right now.”
He sighed. “I know.”
“Good. Then you’ll understand that I want to be alone.”
“Jackie, please listen to me,” he said, ignoring my request. His voice was barely audible, almost as if he was hurting just as much as me. I gritted my teeth together and ignored him. “I came here to apologize. And to take you home.”
I remained quiet a moment longer, still thinking. Could I really call the Walters’ house home? For a few weeks, it had started to feel something like that, but after what happened at the party and with Lee, I knew it wasn’t.
“Jackie, please say something.”
“Why should I go anywhere with you?” I said in response. “The past two times I’ve done that, it’s ended terribly.”
“Okay, I know I might have hurt your feelings, but—”
“Might?” I demanded, sitting up to glare at him. His words put fuel in my system, like someone struck a match inside my chest, and I narrowed my eyes, trying not to explode. “I lost my family, moved across the country to live with strangers, and was then treated like crap by the likes of you, and you think it might have hurt my feelings?”
Instead of lashing out like I thought he would, Cole hung his head. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled.
“What?” I asked, putting a hand to my ear. “I can’t hear you.”
“I’m sorry. I was a jerk.”
“Oh, a jerk?” I snapped. If this was his apology, he was doing a lousy job. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, Cole.”
Cole’s nostrils flared, but he didn’t show any other signs of his rage. “Hey, I’m trying to apologize here, okay?” When I didn’t respond, he took a deep breath. “I suppose I was jealous,” he finally said, looking down at the shaggy carpet.
“Jealous?” I echoed.
“Yeah.” He sounded hesitant, as if he wasn’t sure of his answer. Then he continued, “Of Alex.”
“What about Erin, Olivia, all those girls?”
“That’s just it,” Cole said, his fists clenching in frustration. “I don’t like any of those girls. It’s just—I don’t know. I feel like my friends have this expectation of who I am and how I should act. And then there’s Alex, and things just come so naturally to him.”
I laughed. “Things come natural to nerdy Alex, but not to superstar Cole?” I said bitterly.
“Yeah,” he said, looking right at me. “When it comes to relationships they do. He just acts like himself and everything goes so perfectly.”
“Perfectly?” I said. “You mean like with Mary?”
“Listen,” Cole said, holding up his hands. “I know that I can be a dick, but I swear, I would never do something like that to Alex. She told me that he dumped her. As soon as I found it was the other way around, I told her to get lost.”
I didn’t know what to say to this.
“Jackie,” Cole continued. “I shouldn’t have dragged you and your feelings into this, but I saw how close you and Alex were getting, and I just didn’t want to—” He paused, trying to think of the best way to phrase when he was saying. “I was selfish and afraid of being—”
“Alone?” I finished for him.
“Yeah,” Cole said, nodding his head. “I was afraid of being alone.”
“Welcome to my life,” I told him sadly.
Chapter 13
It took Cole half an hour of coaxing before he convinced me to leave Will’s. On the ride back to the ranch, I asked how Nathan was doing.
“He’s okay,” Cole said, taking his eyes off the road to glance at me. “He was asking for you.”
I didn’t respond to that. I felt guilty that I hadn’t been there for Nathan.
“I can take you to see him tomorrow if you want.”
“Sure,” I said curtly, and af
ter that, Cole got the message that I didn’t want to talk. I was still furious with him, but I didn’t have the energy to fight anymore. When the truck was finally parked in the Walters’ driveway, I opened the door and shot out.
“Wait, Jackie!” Cole called, but I was already rushing to my room.
Part of me wanted to go to Alex and Nathan’s room. Over the past month, the half-messy, half-clean space was where I spent most of my time. It had become a type of retreat, a place where I felt comfortable, and the posters on the walls were as familiar as the mural in my own room. But Alex would be there. Not only that, but he was probably still mad at me, and all I wanted was to be alone.
For the most part, the Walters let me be. Everyone except Katherine came home from the hospital at lunchtime, yet the house remained calm. Still reeling from the shock of Nathan’s accident, none of the kids were their usual rambunctious selves. At one point in the afternoon Parker knocked on my door looking for Jack and Jordan, but even she wasn’t in the mood to give me one of her signature sneers.
I didn’t go down to the kitchen for lunch or dinner, but at seven someone knocked on my door. Alex nudged it open with his shoulder. He was carrying a tray with a bowl of tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich.
“You hungry?” he asked, gesturing down at the food.
Even though I was surprised to see him, I barely moved from my spot on the bed. The day’s events had left me mentally drained, and all I could manage was a shrug. My stomach felt empty, but not because I needed food.
“Well, can I come in?”
“I suppose.”
Alex crossed the room carefully so he wouldn’t spill the soup, and after setting it down on my desk, he stood at the side of my bed with his hands shoved into his pockets. His mouth opened as if he was going to say something but closed again as he changed his mind. I knew he was looking for the right way to start a conversation, but I wasn’t going to help him. I remained silent, watching him patiently.
At last he said, “Jackie, I’m super sorry.” Alex looked just as worn out as I felt. All the usual color was drained from his face, and for some reason that made me believe him. I wasn’t any less stunned, though.
