She knew if she left it wouldn’t bring shame on her familye, but she knew it would break her mother’s heart. She could come visit of course, but not for an extended period of time, and the chances that her parents would visit her was almost zero.
Becka suppressed a sigh and smiled at her mother, “Of course.” She knew her mother would take her answer as an affirmation to be baptized. She knew it was wrong to give her mother false hope, but she couldn’t stand the thought of breaking her mother’s heart just yet. She still had a few weeks to go. A few weeks to make sure the decision she made would be one she could live with for the rest of her life.
“Gut,” her mother said with a happy smile. “Why don’t you set the table and I’ll finish up dinner?”
Becka stood up and knew that in a few weeks she would need to have the hardest conversation of her entire life. A conversation that would end her world as she knew it. A conversation that would break her mother’s heart.
Chapter 10
Aaron drove up to the farm stall the following Saturday morning. It had been almost a week since Becka had made time to spend with him. He had stopped by twice during the week, but she had seemed distant and claimed to be busy.
He had a hunch what was going on in her mind but he refused to believe it. Her reticence to be baptized was natural, he reasoned, it wouldn’t lead to anything. When her rumspringa was over she would realize that she didn’t want to leave, that she wanted to become a member of the church and live her life the plain way.
He kept telling himself that as he climbed out of the buggy and up the stairs. There were a few clients browsing through the merchandise and Becka was sitting behind the checkout counter. The curious but distant look in her eyes reminded him of all those weeks ago when he would stop by twice a week just to see her. She looked at him as if he was a stranger, as if nothing that had happened since then at all. He refused to admit how much it hurt him. He smiled at her and strolled over to the jam display.
Aaron kept himself occupied while she helped the customers and told them in detail how the jams were made and preserved. The Englischers listened with awe and Aaron wondered if Becka knew how good a story teller she was.
When they finally left he approached the checkout counter. “You’re a gut story teller, Becka Raber. They took three more jams just because you explained to them the amount of effort that goes into it.”
Becka smiled although it didn’t reach her eyes. “They took three more because they’re not coming this way for a long time yet.”
“You can believe that, but they knew that before you told the story. Your story made them buy more.”
Becka shrugged and walked past him to rearrange the bottles of jam on the counter to close the spots that were now empty. “Are you looking for something?”
Aaron almost flinched at the cold tone of her voice. He refused to be rebuffed after the good friendship they had built. He knew she was shutting herself out simply because she was afraid of staying. Afraid of the decision she had lurking over her head. “Jah, I’m looking for you. I haven’t seen you for almost a week, I miss you.”
“You’ve seen me,” Becka said over her shoulder. “You came by to get potatoes on Tuesday and you stopped by for eggs on Thursday.”
“I stopped by because I wanted to see you. I stopped by today because I wanted to see you. But if that’s so hard to believe, I’ll buy something just to make a point.” Aaron’s temper was lashing at the edges, he hardly ever got mad and the feeling felt as foreign as the attraction to Becka had in the beginning.
He grabbed a packet of homemade biscuits off one of the shelves and placed it on the checkout counter. Becka sighed irritably as she rang it up. He handed over the money and grabbed the biscuits before striding towards the door. Just as his hand reached the doorknob, he turned around.
“I don’t know what’s going on with you. Why are you being like this?”
“Like what?” Becka asked, resigned.
“Like that. You refuse to see me, and you’re being cold and distant. Has the last few weeks meant nothing to you?” Aaron felt his heart clench in his chest, fearing her answer.
Becka shook her head. “Aaron, even if it did, what does it matter? It’s not like it can lead anywhere. You and I both know that I’m probably leaving. Leading you on will only make things worse when I do.”
“So you’ve decided. Is that it? You’ve decided that we’re not gut enough, that I’m not gut enough?” His voice raised a few octaves but Aaron didn’t care. He had been almost certain that she was staying, that she liked him as much as he liked her. What had changed since then?
“Nee, it’s not that…” Becka started. “It’s just…”
“It’s just you’re hoping you’ll be happy in a different life when the life you have right here is all you need.”
“Nee, it isn’t. If it was all I needed I would have been happy. I’m not happy. I feel out of place; I feel like I’m a burden to my familye. I feel like I don’t belong here.”
“You want to feel that way because you’re so consumed by your self-pity that you don’t even realize how many people care for you. Who will care for you in the Englisch world, Becka? Who will take care of you, who will be there when you need someone?”
Aaron shook his head and paced the small length of the shop waiting for her answer. When he reached the checkout counter again he noticed tears were shining in her eyes. He stepped around the counter and brushed his thumb over her cheek.
“You’re making a mistake, Becka. You know that and I know that. The only problem is I can’t stop you from throwing your life away. From throwing us away.” The words caught in his throat as he said them. Until that moment Aaron hadn’t realized how strong his feelings were for Becka. But now, looking into her sad blue eyes, the love made his heart swell even as it stung.
Becka swallowed hard and shook her head, “How can I throw something away that’s never even started? We’re not baptized, we’re not courting…”
“That doesn’t mean that I don’t feel anything for you. Becka, don’t do this. I don’t want to beg you, but I am. You’re going to regret it, I just know you are. Stay here, stay with me. Don’t push me away.”
“I’m doing what I think is best,” Becka said, straightening and lifting her chin.
“Fine. Then tell your parents. Come, we’ll go now and tell them that you’re forsaking everything they’ve built for you. We’ll tell them that you don’t think this life is enough.” Aaron knew he was taking it too far but he didn’t know what else to do. Pleading hadn’t worked and he couldn’t stand the thought of losing her.
A tear slipped over her cheek. She stepped back as if he had slapped her and the coolness returned to her eyes. “When and what I tell my parents is none of your business. I’m none of your business.”
Her voice could have frozen lava as she pinned him with her cold blue gaze. “I think it’s time you left.”
Aaron nodded as he felt his heart shatter at his feet. He sighed wryly, turned and walked away. He was almost certain he could hear the shards of his heart crush beneath his feet.
Chapter 11
As soon as Aaron walked out of the farm stall Becka knew she had been out of line. How could she be so rude to someone who had only shown her kindness?
She let her head drop into her hands and cried. She cried for not feeling like she belonged. For liking a boy who didn’t understand how she felt. She cried because she realized her decision had been made.
Aaron was right about lying to her parents. How much longer could she deny the truth in her heart? She had pulled away from his affections because she was afraid to reciprocate. She pulled away because she didn’t want to leave her heart in Lancaster County when she left.
Becka sobbed until the tears drenched the sleeves of her dress, because she had no idea where she was going to go once she told her parents of her decision. Would her schweschders be mad, would her father ever forgive her? Fear and sadness tasted
bitter in her mouth, as bitter as the heartache that filled her chest.
As the tears started to ebb, the anger pilfered through. Why did Aaron have to put her on the spot? Why did he have to make her face the decision she wasn’t ready to face yet. He had no right to question her, she reasoned although a small voice in the back of her mind told her he had every right.
She had fallen in love with him, quietly, while she didn’t even realize it was happening, and now her decision meant leaving behind so much more than just her family and her roots.
It meant leaving behind the man she loved.
The door of the farm stall opened, bells jingling to alert her of someone’s arrival. Becka turned her face from the door and furiously brushed away the wetness on her cheeks. Her face would be red and blotchy, her blue eyes even more striking now that they were red-rimmed, but she couldn’t help that.
“Hullo,” Becka said, swallowing back the emotion clogged her throat, only to be surprised by her mother watching her with a frown and holding a basket of fresh vegetables.
“Becka, what on earth happened?” her mother rushed forward, setting the vegetables on the counter before wrapping her arms around Becka.
The comforting embrace made the tears rush back. Unable to hold them back, Becka sobbed on her mother’s shoulder.
“Were you robbed, my dochder?” her mother asked, concerned as her hand ran up and down Becka’s back.
Becka shook her head. “Nee,” she sniffled.
Her mother took a step back, framed Becka’s face with her hands. “Tell me. Tell me what’s upset you so.”
Becka sniffed and swallowed before meeting her mother’s gaze. She couldn’t hide her decision from her mother any longer. It was time she unburdened herself of the heavy weight. “Mamm, I’m so sorry. So sorry, but I have to tell you something?”
“What happened in the city?” her mother asked with wide eyes.
Becka couldn’t help but stifle the laugh. “Nothing. This isn’t about the city or about what happened there. It’s about my rumspringa.”
Her mother’s eyes widened even more as she slowly began to shake her head. “Nee, nee, don’t tell me, Becka. Don’t say those words.”
“Mamm, I have to say them sooner or later,” Becka pleaded. She couldn’t hold it in any longer. She couldn’t stand pretending to stay for another minute.
“Nee, you’ll say them later then. Kumm, let’s grab something to drink and go sit outside. I have an idea.”
Becka humored her mother simply because she didn’t have an excuse not to. Nothing her mother could say would change her mind. Nothing Aaron had said had changed her mind either. She followed her mother outside and drank deeply from the bottle of orange juice as her mother began to speak.
“You remember your aunt Clara?” her mother asked.
“Nee, wait; jah. She’s the one who left. Your oldest schweschder, I think? I’ve never met her though.”
“Clara left before she was baptized. She decided she didn’t want to remain Amish. She now lives in Ohio with her husband and her daughters. I think her youngest daughter is almost your age.”
Becka nodded, intrigued. Her mother never spoke of her schweschder Clara. She now understood why. Clara had left. Would no one speak of Becka again if she left?
“If you’re considering what I believe you’re considering, I think you need to go stay with Clara for a while. Don’t make a decision like this simply because you’re not sure. I’ll speak to your daed and explain to him why I want you to go. Go spend the rest of your rumspringa living with the Englisch, then if you come back you’ll have made an informed decision. You can’t make a decision like this based on one night in the city.”
Becka wanted to tell her mother that her decision wasn’t based on one night in the city. She wanted to tell her mother that she didn’t fit in, she wanted to tell her mother anything to make her accept her decision, but she kept quiet.
Her mother had been a wonderful mother her entire life, the least Becka could do was go visit her aunt and make it easier for her mother to accept her decision.
“Are you sure?” Becka asked hesitantly.
“I’d rather lose a dochder for a few weeks, than lose her forever. I want you to be sure about this decision, Becka. It will determine the rest of your life.”
“What if I am sure?” Becka held her gaze on her lap. She couldn’t meet her mother’s eyes now. She couldn’t bear the thought of seeing the hurt she knew would be there.
“Then this will only make you even surer, if that’s possible.”
“You’re hoping absence makes the heart grow fonder?” Becka asked with sad smile.
Her mother wrapped an arm around her shoulder and squeezed tightly. “I’m hoping that this will clear your mind. That living with Clara will make you realize what it is you really want. I don’t think you want to leave, my dear dochder, I just think you don’t feel as if you have a reason to stay.”
Becka bit back the tears that clogged her throat. Did her mother know? Did her mother understand? Why hadn’t she ever said anything? She nodded and sniffed. “I need to cash up.”
“You need to pack. If I remember correctly, there is a bus leaving for Ohio late this afternoon. You go pack while I close up here.”
“But Daed…”
“But nothing. I’ll talk to him. There won’t be any trouble. Just promise me one thing, Becka.”
“What?”
“You don’t tell me your decision over the phone. You will come back and look me in the eye when you tell me what you’ve decided. You have a few weeks, I hope that will be enough.”
“I hope so too,” Becka hugged her mother tighter than she had in years. “I love you, Mamm.”
“I love you more than you can imagine. Go find yourself and when you come back, I’m sure you’ll find this is where you want to be.”
Becka smiled, hoping her mother was right.
Chapter 12
It had been a week since he and Becka had argued at the farm stall. He had gone by three times this week but Becka had not been there. He had hoped to see her at Sunday service when he would be baptized. Aaron didn’t need a long rumspringa to realize what he wanted from his life. He wanted to be part of the community in which he was raised. He wanted to spend his life living the plain way and also raise his kinners plain.
On Sunday morning Aaron had looked out for Becka at church, but she wasn’t there. He had seen the Raber familye arrive, but Becka hadn’t been with them. A fist as cold as steel and as strong as iron wrapped around his heart when he noticed her mother’s sad expression. Where was Becka? He had hoped she would be here on this important day, but she was nowhere to be found.
When he stood in front of the congregation for the bishop to baptize him, his gaze had caught Becka’s mother’s eyes. She was sad and Aaron could tell she was blinking back tears.
Guilt washed over him after the service when he wondered if pushing Becka had caused her to leave. Had their fight resulted in her telling her parents she didn’t want to join the church? Did they make her leave?
Aaron had spent most of Sunday thinking about Becka until it was time to go to his first singing. He had considered not going, but it was tradition to attend your first singing after you were baptized. He missed Becka, he had hoped to share this with her, but he had driven her away instead.
When he arrived at the singing, he was welcomed heartily by the other young members of their church. They sang from the ausband and praised the Lord in a distinctly more relaxed environment than the three-hour church service he was used to. The broke for refreshment an hour into singing, and Aaron headed to the refreshment table.
His throat was dry, his heart loaded with guilt, and right now he just wanted to be home. But he couldn’t leave just yet. He wondered about Becka, where she would have gone, if she was all right and if she had made the right decision. He missed her terribly and couldn’t imagine never seeing her again.
He was thinking a
bout her when he felt a hand on his arm.
“Hullo, Aaron. Congratulations on your baptism,” Mary Leipz smiled brightly, her blonde hair intricately braided before it disappeared beneath her prayer kapp.
“Hullo, Mary. Congratulations to you, too,” Aaron smiled and handed her the juice he had poured for himself.
He and Mary had attended school together and had been friends as kinners, but since growing up they hadn’t really seen each other much. Aaron couldn’t help but notice how pretty she had become since they had last spoken.
“It feels strange, doesn’t it?” Mary whispered. “It feels like we’re adults now?”
Aaron grinned and nodded at her. “Jah, it does feel strange.” He glanced around the barn and noticed quite a few couples standing to one side enjoying each other’s company. That’s what he had hoped for with Becka. He had hoped that they would attend their first singing together. That they would experience this together, and after the singing he would drive her home beneath the stars.
But none of that was going to happen, Aaron realized as he glanced at Mary again. She was watching him with wide, eager eyes as most of the group paired up. He could tell that she was hoping he would offer her a ride home.
Instead, he took another drink of juice. He didn’t want to offer her a ride home, he wanted to offer Becka.
Becka wasn’t here, he realized again as he looked around the barn. Becka had turned her back on everything they stood for, everything they fought against to honor their road with God. Did she not care about him at all? Aaron had been convinced that Becka had felt the same. She had shared her deepest fears with him. Surely she wouldn’t have done that if she cared.
But she didn’t care enough, Aaron realized as he noticed Mary still watching him with anticipation.
“Mary, would you like to ride home with me tonight?” The words tasted wrong. But if Becka could move on and become an Englischer, what was the use of hanging onto the memory of what they had shared?
The Amish Voice (Amish Romance) Page 4
