Heartwood

by Belva Plain

  So it had happened. All the denying and struggling had come to an end. Nick was lying beside her, peace in his eyes, his fingers tangled in her hair, which had come out of the pins she’d used to pile it up. And she knew she should be feeling guilty, but she couldn’t. Not then. It would come later, of course; it had to. But at that moment all she could feel was joy.

  There was an afghan on the sofa. Nick pulled it up over them, so they were in a cocoon. He drew her closer to him, and her head found a place on his shoulder where it fit perfectly. Outside the loft, below on the street, the traffic of the city was blaring, she could hear it dimly through the closed windows. People were rushing around doing all the things responsible New Yorkers must do on a beautiful Wednesday afternoon in July. But she was inside her cocoon with Nick. And now she could sleep.

  –—

  When she awakened, at first she didn’t know where she was. An ornate ceiling she didn’t recognize soared above her head, and there was an afghan wrapped around her that she knew she didn’t own. Then she remembered. She turned so she could see Nick lying on the sofa next to her. But he wasn’t there. Scared, she lifted her head.

  “Hi.” Nick was sitting in the chair on the other side of the sofa. He was dressed and he’d turned on a lamp.

  “You’re there … for a moment I thought …”

  “I’m right here.” He came across the room, knelt at the side of the sofa and kissed her. It was a different kind of kiss now, it was gentle because there was no more urgency. But maybe there was something a little sad about it too?

  “What time is it?” she asked.

  “Ten after four, I was about to wake you.”

  “Why didn’t you?”

  “I like watching you sleep.” He stroked her cheek. “Your clothes are there.” He pointed to a neat pile. “Would you like some coffee before you go?”

  And now she understood the sadness. “I don’t want to leave you,” she said.

  He hesitated for a moment, then he took a deep breath. “I don’t want you to. But I think we’d better start getting used to it … don’t you?”

  She looked in his eyes and saw what he’d been realizing while she slept; that saying good-bye to each other was a part of their life now. They would say good-bye instead of sleeping side by side and waking up in each other’s arms. They would never have the luxury of wasting their time together, because the word “good-bye” would always be hanging over them.

  “This is so unfair to you,” she said. Her heart would break if he agreed with her.

  He kissed her again. “I’m a big boy, Laura.” He stood up. “Let me make you that coffee. There’s a train you can take at six. I checked.”

  “I’d stay if it weren’t for poor Molly. I didn’t leave any food for her and …” She had to stop because—stupidly and ridiculously—she was starting to cry.

  “Don’t, darling!” He knelt down again. “No tears. That’s not what we’re about. All right?” She wiped away the tears and nodded.

  She dressed while Nick busied himself in the kitchen. Then he handed her a steaming cup and sat in his chair again. After a moment, he said, “I know I can’t have … everything I want. You’re married. You have responsibilities. But this is so right. Because it’s good … you know it is … and there’s no way something this good can be wrong …”

  “I’m afraid it can.”

  “No. As long as we don’t hurt anyone, it won’t be.”

  “But someone always does get hurt.”

  “Because people get careless. We won’t do that. We’ll make sure no one ever finds out.”

  “But what about us? What about you and me?”

  He turned away then. “I’ll take whatever I can get for as long as I can have it. And no matter what happens it will be worth it to me.” He turned back to her, and he tried to make his voice light, but the green-blue eyes were pleading. “Your turn.”

  He’d said she had responsibilities—and she did. She was a person who made her promises and she kept them. But he’d also said this was right and good. That was the truth too, undeniable, unbelievable and unarguable.

  “I’ll take whatever I can get for as long as I can have it,” she said.

  –—

  The next weeks seemed to whirl by. She worked, of course, when had she not worked? Her gardens had to be tended, and requests for parties and events to be planned for the fall started to come in. But it was Nick and being with him that dominated every thought. They met in his loft—she was familiar with every inch of his private living quarters by now—as often as they could. She became adept at subterfuge … and lying. Whenever she ran into the city for a few hours of stolen happiness she claimed to be doing research for a new book. She told this lie to her workers, her parents, her brothers and sometimes even her editor—everyone but Katie. Katie called on Tuesday and Thursday evenings because that was when the campers were allowed to use the phone. Laura saw to it that she was always home before dark on these nights, so when her daughter called there was no need to explain—or to lie about—anything.

  Robby called regularly too, and she was stunned at how easily she was able talk to him. Although talking with Robby these days meant listening to him. He seemed to have fallen in love with the town he had once fought so hard to get out of. Now he referred to it as “the real America,” and he spent a lot of time telling Laura how friendly everyone in Blair’s Falls was.

  “You’ll find them a little conservative politically,” he said with a laugh. “You may have to pull back a bit on some of your opinions when you come out here to visit.”

  It was the first she’d heard that she would be going out to Ohio. Or that she would be trying to impress the people in Blair’s Falls.

  “And it might be best to keep mum about your brother Steve dodging the draft during Vietnam,” Robby went on. “And all that do-gooder work he does now.”

  She thought about reminding Robby that he hadn’t exactly lined up for military duty himself. She also thought about asking him when he was coming home. But she didn’t want to know.

  –—

  As the days turned into weeks with no mention of his return, her husband urged her again and again to come out to “the real America.” She got more and more adept at putting him off. Most of the time she had good reason. Her book had been printed, and advance copies of it were being passed around to critics. The response had been resoundingly favorable, and the publicist who had been assigned to her by her publisher had begun setting up press interviews for her—which were based in New York, not Ohio. The biggest feather in her cap—her publicist’s words, not hers—had been an interview, which had already aired, on the country’s highest-rated morning talk show. In addition to promoting the book, Laura had told funny stories about salvaging kitchen disasters, and her adventures with her pressure cooker, which she admitted scared her half to death. Everyone loved it, and they loved her. The show’s producer had called to ask how she’d feel about doing a five-minute segment for them twice a week. Laura had acquired an agent to handle the negotiations.

  Everyone was happy for her. “This will make you a household name, book sales will go through the roof,” her publicist crowed. Nick made a videotape of what he called her star turn, and they watched it together on his television while they ate the Frrrozen Hot Chocolate he’d ordered from Serendipity because he knew she loved it. Her family and friends kept her phone ringing with congratulations and Katie said over the phone that her mom had been really cool. Only Robby was not enthusiastic.

  “It seemed a little self-serving,” he said. “Did you have to brag about that book so much?”

  “The idea was to promote it.”

  “Well, when you come out here, you’ll have to tone it down some. People in this neck of the woods don’t like it when someone toots their own horn.”

  There had been a time when this would have made her angry and she would have had to swallow that anger to avoid an argument. Today she was too focused on h
er wristwatch. If she didn’t get off the phone that minute she’d be late getting into the city to see Nick. “Robby, I have to run,” she said.

  Forty-five minutes later as the train whisked her into Manhattan she’d already pushed the phone call to the back of her mind. Robby was getting more and more entrenched in his hometown, that was obvious. She didn’t want to think about what that might mean in the future. She was going to have to deal with her marriage and her husband sometime. But today the sun was shining, there was a light breeze in the air and Nick was waiting for her.

  And so her days went—busy, golden days. She and Nick never talked about the future. What was there to say, after all? There were decisions ahead, painful, big decisions—so much for no one getting hurt—and she couldn’t bear to think about them. So she lived for the present. She and Nick both did. But then, suddenly, the summer was almost over.

  “Katie will be coming home next week,” she told Nick. She didn’t have to add that their carefree days had ended. They both knew she wouldn’t be able to linger in the city until seven at night when Katie was back home. The future they had been avoiding for weeks was suddenly much closer.

  “Let’s go away for a long weekend,” Nick said. “We could leave next Friday.”

  “But we’ve never gone anywhere together.”

  He gave Laura a twisted little smile. “That’s my point.”

  So they began the bittersweet process of planning a discreet getaway. Bitter because without saying it, they both knew this marked the end of a halcyon time they would never have again. But the weekend itself would be sweet. They could lie in bed for as long as they liked. They could wake up in the morning together and have breakfast. Or take a walk and hold hands. Or go to the movies. She and Nick had never been to the movies together.

  The question of where to go for their getaway proved to be more complicated than Laura had imagined. The problem was Nick. Because of the work he did in the arts, fashion and publishing, he was well known in the kind of circles where people “summered” in fashionable vacation areas along the East Coast. Places like the Hamptons, the Berkshires, or the shores of Connecticut and New Jersey were off-limits because he might meet someone he knew. But traveling too far away from the city wasn’t a solution, because he and Laura didn’t want to waste the precious time they had together in airports.

  They finally settled on an old hotel in a sleepy area of the Catskills that had once been a thriving resort but was now struggling for survival. The customers who booked reservations at the Grande Inn were mostly families looking for a bargain rate on a room with sleeping cots for the kids. It was as far away from being a glamorous spot as anyone could imagine.

  It was also terrible. The sheets were cheap and scratchy, there were no towels in the bathroom until Laura called the desk and begged for some, and there was a musty smell in the closet. In the dining room, there was only one well-meaning, but frazzled, young girl waiting on the tables. The food she served was not only badly prepared, but by the time it arrived, it was stone-cold. At their first breakfast, Nick had reason to be grateful for that fact, because the waitress spilled a cup of coffee on him. Then she burst into tears and raced into the kitchen, leaving Laura to mop him up.

  “Let me help you, Ms. McAllister,” said a middle-aged woman from the neighboring table. She bustled over and began dabbing at Nick’s jacket with her napkin, while Laura had a moment of panic, wondering how she knew the woman. The mystery was cleared up after a second. “I recognized you from the TV, and I just wanted to say how much my daughter and I loved you on Good Day USA, Ms. McAllister. Debbie’s sitting right over there …” She waved in the direction of her table, where her husband and three children were getting ready to leave. The oldest, a skinny girl of about eighteen or nineteen, waved at Laura. “I know she’d love to have your autograph,” the woman said.

  Totally taken aback, Laura said, “My autograph?”

  “It’s not every day that we get to see a real live TV star in person. If you don’t have any paper, I do.” The woman reached into a pocket and whipped out a used envelope and a pen. She held them out to Laura. “Make it out to Debbie. I named my girl after Debbie Reynolds. I must have seen every movie she’s ever made. I just love her—don’t you?”

  Laura had never been that impressed with Debbie Reynolds. “I … well …” she stammered.

  “I know you’re much too young to remember when Debbie was married to Eddie Fisher and that nasty Elizabeth Taylor stole him away, but I’m here to tell you, Debbie handled that with class and dignity. Eddie must have been out of his mind is all I can say. Although he certainly got a bit of his own back when Liz left him for Richard Burton. What goes around, comes around—don’t you agree?”

  Across the table Nick was barely managing to keep a straight face.

  “I … guess …,” Laura said unsteadily. She grabbed the envelope, signed it and handed it back to the woman, who shook her hand with a crushing grip and finally, mercifully went back to her own table. A few seconds later she and her family waved good-bye to Laura and exited the dining room. Nick broke into whoops of laughter.

  “Some help you were,” she scolded him. “You almost made me start laughing at that poor woman.”

  “That ‘poor woman’ had you in her sights from the second you walked into the room,” he said. “She was sitting over there just waiting to pounce. Besides, it was fun watching you handle your first fan.”

  “I never expected anything like that—a total stranger coming up to me and starting to talk. What if I was eating and I had something stuck between my teeth?”

  “The price of fame, darling,” he said as he wiped his streaming eyes. “The price of fame.” Then he sobered up. “But I should have realized that people would recognize you from that TV interview. It was stupid of me not to think of that.”

  She hadn’t thought of it before that second either. “Does this mean we have to go home?” It would be so unfair if they did. She and Nick were asking for so little, just one weekend in an awful old hotel in the middle of nowhere!

  “We’re okay. That was a fluke,” Nick said. But to be on the safe side, maybe we should stop eating in the dining room here.”

  So after that, Nick bought their meals in a diner and they ate them in their room. But even so, the three days were heavenly and they passed way too quickly. It seemed to Laura that before she knew it, Nick was back in his loft and she was in her house missing him with an ache that was like a physical pain. Then Katie came home, and everything changed.

  Chapter Twenty-three

  Some of the changes were what Laura had expected: although she still went into the city to be with Nick—nothing could change that—their times together were much shorter. And there were fewer of them. But a bigger change was in Laura herself; now she had to face the fact that no matter how much she’d told herself that being with Nick was right, it wasn’t something she wanted her daughter to know about. That had to mean that there was at least something wrong about it. Katie’s return had brought with it a dose of reality.

  And there was an even stronger dose to come.

  “My Uncle Dan wants to turn the family store over to me,” Robby said during their nightly phone call.

  “What?”

  “He told me last spring that he wanted to retire, and since he didn’t have any children of his own, he wanted me to have the store, if I had an aptitude for running it. That’s what I’ve been doing these last few months.”

  “You’ve been … working for your uncle?” Laura tried to grasp what he was saying. “In Blair’s Falls?”

  “I’ve been learning the ropes at the store, Laura, to see if I have a feeling for retail. And to find out if I like the work. Uncle Dan and I agreed that I needed to test myself.”

  “You and your Uncle Dan agreed that you were going to do this? Just like that? Without even asking me?”

  “Yes. Because I knew this was the only way.”

  Because he knew she ne
ver would have gone along with it.

  “I’ve made so many mistakes, Laura. I’ve had so many failures. Before I told you about this I wanted to be sure. And now I am.”

  Oh dear God, why didn’t I see this coming? I should have seen it. When he didn’t come home, I should have known something was up … But I was glad he wasn’t home.

  “What about your writing?”

  “In all those weeks that I went to that office, I didn’t write one word; that’s not the career for me. Look, I know this is coming out of the blue, but try to keep an open mind. I think you and I and Katie could be really happy here in Blair’s Falls.”

  He thinks I’d be happy living in his hometown near his mother, who hates me? He thinks I’d want to leave my family and my business … and Nick. But I mustn’t think about Nick. Not now.

  “Robby, we can’t just pick up and leave. We have a life here.”

  “You do. I have nothing. And that’s not good for us. You need a husband you can be proud of. And I need to get my pride back.”

  “I know you’ve been depressed. And things haven’t gone well for you. But moving isn’t going to solve that.”

  “It will. Because I’ll be making money—you won’t be paying all of the bills. And we’ll be on my home ground.”

  “Your home ground? This isn’t a game, where somebody wins and somebody loses.”

  She heard him draw in a breath. “Remember when we were in college and we were young and dumb and we thought we had all the answers? Back then, I never would have dreamed I’d hear myself saying this, but when it comes to men and women, I think some of the old-fashioned ways are best. I’m not saying women need to stay at home like my mother did, God forbid, but I think most men still want to be the head of the household.” He chuckled ruefully. “Maybe it’s that our egos aren’t strong enough.” Then he got serious again. “I just know I can’t be the man who’s introduced as your husband. And I see that coming, Laura. Your book will be published, and your business is growing. You’re going to be even more successful than you are now. Where does that leave me?”