Heartwood

by Belva Plain

  “It’s a big decision to make,” Laura said, noncommittal as ever. And a coward to the core.

  “You could have everything here. A good home for Katie and for yourself. Nice friends. Robby has already joined the country club, and he’d take you to all the parties and the dances and show you off. He’d be so proud of you.”

  Laura remembered Robby telling her that his father had never taken his mother dancing and he’d never acted as if he was proud to have her on his arm. In her mind, Laura saw a young wife who knew she wasn’t pretty, who was starved for affection and aching for kindness. Perhaps she could understand Mother McAllister a little after all.

  “You’d have enough money to go back to New York anytime you wanted,” her mother-in-law went on, “Robby knows how close you are to your family. He’d never begrudge you that. He’d never begrudge you anything.”

  “I know,” Laura said.

  If only it were enough!

  The check came and Laura paid it. Then, assuming that lunch was over, she started to stand. But her mother-in-law stayed seated. “I won’t make excuses for my son,” she burst out. “Robby’s not a strong man. He’s made some poor choices, and he can’t accept criticism. For years I hoped he would learn, or grow, or change … but now I see that he can’t. He is who he is, and I love him. He seems to be content now, working at the store, and living among old friends.” She paused, searching for the right words. “It’s important to him to … to be the man, Laura. To be the breadwinner. I hope, if you move here, that will happen.”

  It was an honest statement from a woman who usually tried to hide her feelings. Honesty was required in kind.

  “If you’re asking me if I’d stop working, I love what I do,” Laura said. “I don’t think you realize what it would mean to me to have to give that up.”

  “No, I don’t. At your age I would have been thrilled to have a husband who was kind and loving to his child, and wanted to support me. I would have been grateful to help behind the scenes and let him be the one who was important.”

  You’d send me back to the Dark Ages, if you could! But Laura tried to be gentle. “Times have changed.”

  Her mother-in-law nodded. She looked down at her hands, which were folded on the ruffled table mat. When she looked up again, there were tears in her eyes. “There’s never been a divorce in our family. We believe in honoring the vows we make and I don’t want my son to be the first one to break his. I don’t want …” she faltered, and trailed off. She stood up. She’d hung her handbag over the back of her chair. She retrieved it, opened it, looked around in it for something she did not find, then she closed it again with a snap. “I want him to be happy, damn it!” she said fiercely. Then, without waiting for Laura, she turned and walked out of the restaurant.

  –—

  On the drive to the Cincinnatti airport and then again on the plane trip home, Laura tried to list in her mind the reasons why she should make the move. It would be a simple life, and wasn’t that a good thing? Katie would go to a nice All-American school in the middle of the country, where the kids were less sophisticated than they were in a town that was close to a big city like New York. That would be good too—wouldn’t it? Katie would have both her mother and her father full time. There was no doubt that that would be good. And Laura could still work, she could open another catering business and she could still write her books. Her collaborator lived in New York, so it wouldn’t be easy, but it could be done. It could.

  She would miss her family, but she’d only be a plane ride away from all of them. And even though Iris would miss Laura and Katie, she would support anything that kept Laura’s marriage intact. And Robby would be happy at last. Laura could be a good wife, and a good daughter, and a good mother, and still do at least some of the work she loved. She couldn’t have it all, but she could come close. What she couldn’t have was Nick. Unbidden, a memory flooded her tired brain.

  It was the day before she was scheduled for her first television interview, and she was with Nick, in his private living room behind the loft.

  “I’m not sure I can do this,” she’d said. “I don’t know anything about television … or television cameras …”

  “Don’t worry about the camera, it will love you.”

  “I know you say I’m beautiful, but—”

  He’d stopped her mid-sentence. “Let me show you something,” he’d said. He led her to a wall where he’d hung a collage he’d put together of the pictures he’d taken of her sitting at her kitchen table talking about her family. “Look at this,” he commanded. “Your face doesn’t have a bad angle.” He paused. “That’s not your problem.”

  “What is?”

  “You’re too damn perfect.”

  “Oh for heaven’s sakes, that’s not true!”

  “That’s the way you’re going to come off. You’ve built a successful business, you can cook and sew and do just about anything in a home, including restore one. You write advice columns and features in magazines and you’ve written a book. And on top of all of that, you’re gorgeous. My advice, darling? Tomorrow, be very, very funny.”

  “What?”

  “In real life, you tell jokes about yourself all the time. Do it when you’re on television tomorrow morning. Tell them about every mistake you’ve ever made, every disaster. Undercut the Perfect Laura image before it alienates all those women in television land who need to lose ten pounds and feel guilty about thawing out frozen dinners three nights a week.”

  She’d tried to argue that there was no Perfect Laura image—or at least there shouldn’t be—but in the end, when she went into the interview the next morning she’d done what he’d suggested.

  “And it worked, didn’t it?” he’d crowed a couple of days later.

  “I gather I’m getting fan mail. Thank you.”

  “You were the one who did it. Don’t thank me.”

  “But you gave me the pep talk. You helped me. You always do.”

  Suddenly he got serious. “I feel like … we’re in this together, Laura. It’s you and me. And I like that. I like not being alone.” Then he’d grinned. “And besides, you’re a very sexy lady.”

  Now as she sat on the plane flying home, she thought once again that she was living the old weepy movie cliché about the woman trying to decide between the man she’d married and the man she loved. She despised those movies. Then she started to weep.

  Chapter Thirty

  Nick was out of town working on an assignment, and for the first time Laura was glad she couldn’t see him. She was still trying to decide if she could actually do what Robby wanted. Or would she disappoint her mother and her husband—and herself? Would she break the promises she’d made, and give up on the marriage she’d tried to save for so long? And what about Katie? What would a divorce do to her little girl? Katie loved her dad. What would she do with Robby in Ohio and Laura in New York? How torn would she be bouncing between two houses? And two states?

  When Laura thought about Katie, she’d decide that she could go to Ohio, and make the best of it, because that was the only way to keep her family together. The term “broken home” was a real one if there was a child involved; children needed two parents, and no amount of legal jargon about visitation rights or joint custody could change that simple reality. For a whole day Laura would be strong and determined. She’d remember that she was her Nana’s granddaughter. But then eventually the night would come, and Nick would fill her thoughts and her dreams and her longings.

  Nick seemed to realize that she needed time to herself, because he’d only phoned her twice, and the calls had been brief. Robby, on the other hand, was calling every day full of news; the house he loved so much hadn’t sold yet and he’d been talking with Uncle Dan about getting a loan for a down payment until they could sell the place in New York. He’d checked into a school for Katie. With each of his phone calls she felt more trapped.

  There didn’t seem to be any lightness anywhere in her life. She missed her f
ather and so did her brothers. Conversations with them often ended in tears or bittersweet reminiscing. And Iris was keeping her distance. Laura knew she was mourning for Theo with all her heart but she wasn’t sharing that with her daughter. She had said she would wait to see what Laura was going to do, and she was sticking to it. If it hadn’t been for Katie, and her work, Laura thought she might have climbed into bed and stayed there.

  But life did go on. Katie begged for her own telephone and Laura reluctantly gave in. Steven was teaching a course at a university in White Plains, and he and Christina often stayed with Laura on the weekends. At work, Laura catered a second reception for the classical pianist she had introduced to Phil.

  “Guess what?” she said to Steven and Christina as they lingered over Sunday morning coffee. “Phil has been handling Mai Ling’s financial affairs, and he’s done such a good job at it that she’s recommended him to several of her friends. Now he’s got so many of them wanting to be his clients that he’s decided to quit his job at the brokerage house and set up shop as a business manager for musicians and other artists. I think he’ll be happier—he loves music, and even though he says he doesn’t miss it, you can tell that he does. This is a way for him to be involved with it again.”

  “It sounds like a great fit for him,” Steve said.

  “What about this Mai Ling, is she pretty? Do you think he’s attracted to her?” Christina demanded.

  “My wife, the romantic, wants everyone to find a mate,” Steve said fondly.

  “And then I want them to get married,” Christina added. “As far as I’m concerned the whole world should be married. Or at least, all the people I love should be. Well, you know what I mean, Laura.”

  The bagel Laura was eating seemed to stick in her throat. She had to work hard to swallow it. “If you’re married to the right person, it can be wonderful,” she finally managed.

  “That goes without saying,” Christina said as she gave Steven a sweet little kiss. “You have to find the right one.”

  The two of them looked so happy—and so smug—sitting there together, secure in their shiny new love and marriage. It’s not so damn simple, Laura wanted to tell them. Instead, she stood up and started to wash the dishes. You’re being an idiot, she told herself. But it didn’t help.

  –—

  She had thought Katie was in her room while the adults were chatting that morning. But after her brother and his wife had driven away, she sat on her front porch to look out at her gardens, and Katie came outside and plopped down next to her. They sat together in silence for a moment, then Katie said, “I’m never getting married.”

  “What brought that on?” Laura asked, amused.

  “You don’t like it. Being married makes you unhappy.”

  Now the amusement was gone. “Katie, what on earth would make you say a thing like that?”

  “When Aunt Christina talks about Uncle Steven, she gets all lovey-dovey. You never do that with Daddy.”

  Oh God, she picks up on everything.

  “Different people have different ways of expressing themselves,” Laura said.

  “Oh, I know that. But I can tell when you’re not happy about something. It’s different for someone like Aunt Christina. She doesn’t mind living where Uncle Steve needs to live and she doesn’t really have a life of her own like you do. All she wants to do is have children. That’s another thing, I’m never going to have a baby.”

  “Now you’re talking nonsense.”

  “No, I’m not. You had me too soon, before Daddy had a chance to get all of his education. He had too much responsibility and it set him back.”

  “Where did you get that idea?”

  “The last time I was visiting Grandmother Mac I heard her say it on the phone to one of her friends. It hurt my feelings at first. But it does make sense. I can see where children could get in the way.”

  “You never got in the way for one second! And I will never leave you alone with that woman again.”

  “Mom, don’t blame her, she was just telling the truth.”

  “No, she wasn’t. You have been my pride and joy, and—”

  “I know all of that. But you didn’t go to college because you had me. And what about Grandma Iris? She had to wait until all of her children were grown up and out of the house before Grandpa Theo would let her go back to school and have a career. That wasn’t fair.”

  “It’s true that when my parents got married, Grandpa Theo didn’t want Grandma Iris to work—that was a part of the culture he came from. But she understood that and she never thought it was unfair. Besides, that was a different time. Women don’t have to make sacrifices like that today.”

  But Katie was staring at her with clear, steady eyes. “They do if they’re married. We’re going to move to Ohio, Daddy told me on the phone.”

  “I’m not at all sure about that.”

  “You’ll do it. And you don’t want to. You’re going to have to give up your business too.”

  “I can start over with a new business—”

  “But that’s not right when you worked so hard. And how can you be on television two times a week if you live out there?”

  “I’ll work it out. You can always work things out—”

  But the big beautiful eyes wouldn’t let her finish. “You can’t be on television, Mom. The show starts at six in the morning and you’d have to be in New York the day before. You’re not going to spend that much time away from home each week.”

  And that was when Laura faced it, that she wasn’t going to be able to write her books either. Not if Lil was in New York and she was in Blair’s Falls. And if she didn’t have a beautiful old Victorian home, what would she use as a background for her photographs? And … without Nick, who would shoot them?

  “I think marriage is okay for a woman like Aunt Christina,” Katie went on. “I love her, but she’s not very smart. The thing is, you are. So it’s awful for you. And I think I’m like you.” She stood up. “I’m going inside,” she said. “I still have some math homework to do.”

  Perhaps another mother with another child would have dismissed the discussion as idle chat. But Laura knew her daughter. Katie didn’t just say things like this on impulse. She’d been thinking about it for a while.

  What kind of lesson am I teaching my little girl? That being a wife is a trap for smart women? Is that what I want her to think? But, God help me, isn’t that the way I’ve been feeling myself lately?

  A man didn’t have to make his wife choose between her work and her family. He could admire her talents and accomplishments. Nick admired hers; she remembered all the times during the spring when he would take a picture of her doing something and he’d try to get it just right because he wanted to show off her skill and talent. A man didn’t have to be threatened by a woman’s strength. But Robby was threatened. How many times had she downplayed her achievements so Robby wouldn’t feel inferior? How many times had she put herself down to build his ego? Was that what she wanted her daughter to see? And did she want her daughter to watch her give up everything to keep the family together?

  But I have to be honest. This isn’t just about Katie, or my mother, or even Robby. It isn’t about living in Ohio or New York, or who does what work or brings in more money—although those things are all part of it. I made a mistake when I was nineteen years old. I was just a girl and I married the wrong boy. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, and I’ve tried to live with that mistake as well as I could. But I’m not going to pay for it for the rest of my life. Robby and I are wrong for each other and I’m not going to try to deny it anymore. I have a right to be happy too. If that’s selfish, then I’ll live with it.

  So she would get a divorce. It wasn’t going to be easy. Robby would probably be angry and hurt and she had never wanted to cause him pain. She herself would mourn for the past and the hopeful youngsters she and Robby had been. He had been her first love after all. But in the end she would be free.

  That night she sl
ept soundly for the first time since she’d come back from her visit to Ohio. The next day she drove to her mother’s house.

  –—

  “I wanted to tell you this in person,” Laura said to Iris. “Because you’re not going to like it.” Her voice wasn’t wavering, the way she had been afraid it might. That was good. “This is a bad time for me to be doing this, I know. It’s so soon after Daddy’s death. But it really can’t wait. You were the one who taught me that it’s best to pull the Band-Aid off all at once. It hurts, but then it’s over.” Now her voice was wavering after all. She couldn’t bring herself to say what she’d come for, so her mother did it for her.

  “You’re leaving Robby,” Iris said.

  “Yes.”

  “For that man. The photographer.”

  “No. For me. I made the decision for myself.”

  “Stop it! At least be honest with yourself!”

  “I am, Mom. For the first time.”

  “You had an affair. It was new and exciting …”

  “It wasn’t like that.”

  “It was more fun than being faithful to the same man …”

  “Mom, don’t do this. I’m not Daddy!”

  “How dare you say that to me?”

  “It’s what you’re afraid of, isn’t it? That I’m like him?”

  For a moment she was afraid her mother was going to slap her. She could feel how much Iris wanted to and braced herself for the blow. But instead Iris screamed, “Your father is dead!”

  “I know that. And I miss him every day. But I also know he hurt you. And that’s why you can’t see that my marriage was already over when I met Nick—”

  “This is disgusting! That you would use your father’s memory like this.”

  “Someday you’re going to have to forgive Daddy.”

  “Shut up, Laura. Just shut up. You want to divorce Robby? Go ahead. Do it. But stop telling yourself it has nothing to do with the fact that you’re sleeping with someone else.”

  “This is hopeless.” Laura was screaming now too. “I can’t talk to you. How the hell could anyone talk to you?”