My eyes trailed the upturn of her nose to the pouty protrusion of her full lips. Her slender neck was perfectly framed by a defined jawline. The ethereal illumination of the moon shimmered off her glossy hair.
She must have noticed my attention because she turned her head to me. “What?” she asked as she ran her hand down her hair, smoothing it.
Compliments never really had the desired effect on her, so I tried to slip a subtle one in there. “You’re still glowing from your win.”
“I’ve always wanted to have my Mystic Pizza moment.”
“Your what?”
“In Mystic Pizza, Julia Roberts is a townie who plays pool against this prep school, yuppie guy and she annihilates him.”
“Okay. But wouldn’t you be the prep school yuppie in this scenario, and Knox the townie?”
“Well…yeah…I guess. But, still. I annihilated him.”
I had to laugh. Bella was so different than any person I’d ever met. Technically, I supposed she was being a very bad winner, but she was so damn adorable, it was endearing.
As much as I kept telling myself to just enjoy the time that she was here and keep things casual, every day that was harder and harder to do. I wondered if this would be the last day she’d be here. I wondered if we would ever talk once she left.
She’d made it clear that she wasn’t looking for a relationship. That she didn’t want anything serious. But that was before. That was before she’d gifted me with being the one to lose her virginity to. That was before we’d made love in a cave with a thunderstorm as the soundtrack. That was before I’d fallen in love with her.
Or maybe it wasn’t. I was beginning to think that I’d fallen in love with her the moment I saw her standing on the dock.
“Bella?”
“Yeah?”
“Can we talk?”
She stopped up short and turned to look up at me. “You don’t want to see me anymore?” Her voice was tiny, so quiet I had to read her lips when she spoke. Not that staring at her mouth was a hardship.
“No. Why would you say that?”
“Isn’t that usually what comes after someone saying they want to talk. The whole it’s-not-you-it’s-me thing?”
A couple of things struck me about her statement. First, she always referred to things in the abstract. It was never personal. I knew that her experience was limited, and she’d said that she’d been sheltered, but she was in her mid-twenties.
Also, she was very open about her thoughts. It was like she had no filter. It was refreshing. I could honestly say that I never knew what was going to come out of her mouth.
Most of the women I knew, and men for that matter, would never come out and say that, even if they thought that was where the conversation was headed. They’d either pretend they had no idea it was coming, or they would try to beat the person to the punch and say that they had actually been thinking that they needed to talk, too.
Bella was so honest, raw, and vulnerable. She didn’t play games. There was no agenda. Being with her was addicting. The more time I spent with her, the more time I wanted with her.
“Actually, it’s sort of the opposite.”
“The opposite?” Her head tilted to the side.
“Yeah. I know that we’ve only known each other for a few days, but I’ve never felt what I feel for you. I think about you all the time when I’m not with you. When I know I’m going to see you, I count the minutes. Literally. When I don’t know when I’m going to see you again, I’m…I’m restless. I check my phone to make sure I haven’t missed a call or a text from you. And every time your name isn’t there—which is every time because you’ve never actually used my number even though I know you have it—my heart sinks.
“I can’t think straight. I’m anxious. Cranky. I know that this is probably just a fling for you. But it’s more than that for me. I’ve never met anyone like you. I just want to be near you. We don’t even have to talk. Just being near you is enough. But I love it when you talk. I can’t wait to hear what you’re going to say next.”
Especially now.
She stared at me with an expression so blank, I thought she might be doing the mannequin challenge. I couldn’t tell if she was speechless because she was shocked or if it was because she had to let me down and wasn’t sure how she was going to do it.
I never knew how loud silence could be. Bella not saying anything was deafening.
Any self-respecting Southern gentleman would’ve bowed out of the conversation and given the lady an out. That gentleman might’ve asked her to think about it, and then retreated. But I’d never claimed to be such a gentleman. So I forged ahead.
“I know you live in New York, and I’m not saying that we need to be exclusive or anything. I mean, that’s what I’d like. I want to be with you, officially, but I understand if that’s not what you want. But either way, whatever label we put on it, I just want to keep seeing you, talking to you, spending time with you. I don’t want this to end when you leave Firefly.”
The first clue to what she might be feeling was when her lips turned up in a huge smile. But right after that, they fell and she inhaled a shaky breath. In the next breath, the corners of her mouth curled up and I thought she was going to smile again, but then her bottom lip quivered and a single tear fell down her right cheek.
I felt like I was watching her spin the Wheel of Emotions. I prayed that she would land on the grand prize.
“Bella.” I stepped forward and reached out my hand.
She retreated and shook her head as another tear joined the first.
My stomach sank. She’d landed on lose a turn, at least. I just hoped she wasn’t on bankrupt.
CHAPTER 26
Isabella
Jimmy had just said everything I’d ever wanted him to say. And as soon as he had, I knew I had to end this, whatever this was.
The guilt I’d felt before about keeping my diagnosis to myself was tremendous…and that was before there were even any feelings involved, at least on his part. My feelings had been involved since the harbormaster had pointed in his direction. I’d looked over at him, and he’d smiled.
That was it. In that moment, I was gone.
But my feelings weren’t my concern. His were. And now I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this was never going to work. I might be living my life doing what I wanted when I wanted, but I’d never allow my actions to hurt someone.
My head was shaking no before I opened my mouth. “I’m sorry. I can’t.”
“Why? Why not?”
“Because, I’m just…I’m not looking for anything serious.”
“I didn’t say serious.”
How could I make him understand? I opened my mouth before I found the right words, but when I couldn’t, nothing came out.
“I’m sorry.” Jimmy apologized. “I shouldn’t have said anything. Just forget it.”
“I can’t.” Now that I knew he was thinking of this as more than casual, I couldn’t unknow that. “I’m sorry.”
I turned and walked as fast as my feet could carry me. The boarding house was only a block away and I wanted nothing more than to get there as quickly as humanly possible. I didn’t look back to see if Jimmy was following me, if he’d left, or if he still stood in the same place.
I kept my head down, not making eye contact with anyone as emotion clogged my throat. I sniffed back the moisture that was pooling in my lower lids and prayed no one would stop me as I hurried past people casually walking along the path, rushed up the stairs, into the house, and then my room.
When the door shut, I leaned against it, wiping the tears that were sliding down my cheeks.
Suck it up, I told myself.
I was not going to have a pity party. There was no way I was going to waste one second of the time I had left being sad. If anything, I should be happy. The boy—or man, actually—who I liked, not only liked me back, but he wanted to keep seeing me. He wanted to be my boyfriend.
A man who’d
never had a relationship wanted to be my boyfriend. There was something really romantic, really special about that.
I looked down at the list in my hand and my eyes snapped to number one.
1. Get a boyfriend
I was pretty sure I was going to have to revise the list because I knew now that it would be impossible to complete that item. If I cared about someone, there was no way that I was going to be with them. How selfish would that be?
A knock sounded at my door and my heart jumped in my chest.
He was here.
Jimmy came back.
Maybe I couldn’t be with him long term, but that didn’t mean that we couldn’t have a night together. One more night. Just…one more perfect night.
I opened the door ready to present Jimmy with a very indecent proposal, but I didn’t get the chance to offer it.
Mrs. B stood in the doorway.
My expression slipped but I did my level best to hide my disappointment. I pasted a smile on my face. “Hi.”
“Not who you were expecting, hon?”
“Oh, no,” I shook my head feeling bad that she’d picked up on that. “I was just…Jimmy and I sort of…”
Just saying his name was all it took for me to breakdown again.
“Oh, boy.” Mrs. B stepped inside, shut the door, and pulled me into her arms.
I crumbled into them as she held my head to her shoulder and stroked my hair. “Shh, it’s okay. I’ll kill him. I’ll kill that boy.”
“No!” I pushed away from her shaking my head. “He didn’t do anything. It was me…” I sucked in a shaky breath. “I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore.”
“You did?”
I nodded.
“If you don’t want to see him, then why did it look like someone kicked your puppy when he wasn’t the one at the door and what’s with the waterworks?” She cupped my cheek and wiped a tear with her thumb.
“Because,” I sucked in a shaky breath. “I do want to see him. I just… I can’t. He wanted to be, he wanted me to be his girlfriend. He didn’t even care that I live in New York. He said that he wanted to try.”
“And you don’t?” Mrs. B was clearly trying to make sense of my blubbering.
“I do. But I can’t. You know I can’t. That’s not fair to him.”
“Oh, dear.” I could see by her expression that Mrs. B finally got the scope of the situation. “Sit down, honey.”
I did as she asked. She shuffled into the bathroom, in her house shoes, and I heard the water running. When she came back, she had a damp washcloth and she wiped down my face before taking a seat in the chair across from me.
She patted my knee as she inhaled slowly. “Now listen, I know it’s not my place to tell you how to live your life. And if you’re anything like your mama, you won’t listen anyway,” she said the last sentence under her breath.
“My mama?”
“Your mama…” Mrs. B inhaled. “That woman was as stubborn as the day is long. She didn’t listen to a word of what I had to say. She always thought she knew what was best. There was no changin’ her mind.”
I’d never really considered my mother having any characteristics other than sadness and depression. As a kid, that was all I’d seen. As an adult woman, I realized that she was a three-dimensional person who, of course, had traits other than the ones I’d witnessed.
“But this isn’t about her.” Mrs. B waved her hand dismissively. “No, actually it is. I don’t want to see you make the same mistake she did. She shut everyone out of her life that loved her. She closed herself off, thinkin’ she was doin’ everyone a favor because they wouldn’t miss her as much when she was gone. But that’s not a way to live, sweet girl.
“Do I know what’s going to happen tomorrow, or the next day? No. Of course I don’t. But neither do you. And if there’s a chance that you could have the sort of love that most people live their entire lifetimes and don’t experience, it would be downright disrespectful not to give that a chance.”
“No one said anything about love,” I quickly corrected her.
Mrs. B dropped her chin and glared at me above the rim of her glasses. “I don’t think your eyes woulda been leakin’ like that if it wasn’t love. And I know Jimmy. That boy’s never looked at a girl the way he looks at you. He’s a smitten kitten, and he’s a good egg, sweetie. I wouldn’t be tellin’ you this if he wasn’t. If you feel the same way he does, then you need to tell him. You need to tell him everything, and then let him decide what he wants to do.”
As much as I wished that was the answer, that it could be that simple, I shook my head. “I can’t. I can’t put him in that position. I can’t hurt him like that.”
What sort of a person tells someone that they think they’re falling in love with them and that they have an expiration date in the same sentence?
“You’re right.” Mrs. B nodded and patted my knee.
“I am?” Her response took me by surprise, I’d expected her to argue with me. I had already been mentally devising my comebacks. When I realized how unsure I’d sounded, I repeated, “I am.”
This time the two words didn’t come out sounding like a question.
“Of course you are. If anyone is qualified to determine who should know things and who shouldn’t, it’s you. I mean, I’m sure you loved it when your parents took away your choice to know the truth because they didn’t want to put you in that position. I’m sure you appreciate that they thought they were doing the right thing and didn’t want to hurt you.”
With that, Mrs. B stood, kissed me on my forehead, and left the room. I’d always been amazed at her gift for making a point without telling me what I should do. It looked like she hadn’t lost her touch.
CHAPTER 27
Jimmy
My arm was slung over my face when Sherlock nudged my hand and whined. I didn’t know what time it was. But I knew I’d been ignoring him for the past few hours. He’d been trying to get me up to take him out to do his business, and that particular whine told me he’d most likely reached critical mass.
“Alright. Okay. I’m up.” I reluctantly forced myself to roll out of bed. When I looked at the clock I saw that it was ten in the morning. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d slept past eight, much less until ten. Even in my hardcore party days, I’d always been an early riser. Even when I didn’t roll into bed until the sun was rising, I rose well before this, even if I didn’t quite shine.
I stood, and my limbs were sluggish, not fully awake. I felt like I was walking with weights around my ankles and wrists. Sherlock, on the other hand, was not suffering from the same issue. His nails clicked on the wood flooring as he bounded down the hallway toward the back door. His tail smacked the kitchen chair every time he spun in a circle, doing his version of the pee-pee dance.
When I finally made it to the door and opened it, he barreled out of the house, flew down the steps of the deck, and lifted his leg on the first patch of grass his paws hit. No sniffing, just pissing.
“Sorry,” I apologized sincerely when his stream lasted a good sixty seconds. These days, his bladder wasn’t what it used to be. I felt like an ass for making him suffer just because I was feeling sorry for myself.
When he finally finished, his tongue hung loosely out of his mouth and he trotted back into the house and gave my knee a nudge in thanks. That was just like him. He didn’t hold a grudge. There was no animosity toward me for putting him through hours of discomfort. No, he lived in the moment, and in the moment he was relieved to have relieved himself.
It was my own guilt that drove me to open up the top cabinet of the pantry and get him a whole piece of beef jerky.
As I looked down at his droopy face slobbering over the meat stick, I wondered if my dad had ever felt guilt over not being there for us boys after Mama died. I felt bad that I’d let Sherlock down, and he was a dog. We were his flesh and blood.
It was the first time in my life I had ever really tried to put myself in my pop’s sh
oes. If I felt like this after being turned down by a woman that I’d known less than a week, how fucking devastated would I be if I’d married the love of my life, had four children with her, and then lost her?
Shit. I actually felt sorry for my pop. Not that I’d ever been angry at him or needed to forgive him, I hadn’t. I knew that both my brothers had dealt with that, but since all I’d ever known was Hank and Billy lookin’ after me, I’d never really had to carry any resentment about it not being something else.
I ran my fingers through my hair and let out a sigh. If I was startin’ to compare myself to my old man, it was time to make some changes. I determined right then and there that I was not going to let my heartbreak affect my life. Not because I’d made Sherlock wait to go out, although I did feel like shit about that, but because that wasn’t who I was or wanted my life to be.
My phone buzzed back in my room and I plodded down the hallway to pick it up. Of course, I hoped it was Bella, but I wasn’t holding my breath. She seemed pretty sure of her decision last night. And I got it. She wasn’t feeling the same things for me that I was feeling for her.
She wanted a summer fling, I wanted forever. That was just the way the cookie crumbled.
Even though I had prepared myself, my heart did sink a little when I saw that the message wasn’t from her, it was from Cheyenne.
I’d like to call a family meeting at the bar in thirty. Let me know if that works for everybody.
And she added a happy face after it.
I thought it was adorable. This was the first family meeting my big sis had called, and she’d actually asked if that worked for everyone. I’d never been summoned to a family meeting and had the option to get out of it. If one was called, you went. No excuses.
Not wanting to point it out or make her feel self-conscious, I quickly typed back.
Works for me.
I had never actually responded to a family meeting summons before either. There was no point. Attendance was mandatory.
After a quick shower, I refilled Sherlock’s water bowl and gave him his CBD oil. It helped with his arthritis and kept him comfortable.
Sex on the Beach (Southern Comfort Book 2) Page 16
