Between Sinners And Saints

by Marie Sexton

  Max elbowed him in the ribs, interrupting his thoughts. He nodded toward the end of the bar where a man was standing. He was watching Levi, a question in his eyes. Levi'd been with him before, although he couldn't remember if it had been last weekend or the one before. Or both. "I got the bar," Max said. "You go have fun."

  Which was exactly what Levi did. He didn't think about Jaime again for the rest of the night.

  He didn't think about him again until the following day, when Ruth called.

  "Hey, Leviticus!" she said with her customary cheer. "How's life?"

  "Good." But he was hesitant. He could tell by the tone of her voice she was calling to ask him for something.

  "Dad turns sixty this year." Their father's birthday was early in September, but Levi hadn't thought about his exact age. "It falls on the Friday before Labor Day, and we've decided to throw him a party." Levi tried not to moan as he began to anticipate where the conversation was headed. "Can you get the weekend off?"

  "I don't know, Ruth." Part of him knew he should go, but visits to his family never ended well.

  "Everybody else will be there, Levi. And I know he and Mom would love to see you."

  "So they can lecture me, pray for me, and tell me how wrong my life is?"

  "Levi, they love you."

  "Fine. They love me, but they never hear a word I say. They're so goddamn sure they know what's right, they don't care whether it's what I want or not."

  She sighed with obvious frustration. "Will you think about it, at least? Is it really too much to ask?"

  He didn't want to argue with her, and so, in the spirit of contrition, he said, "I'll consider it."

  "Good." She was obviously annoyed, though, and they fell into an awkward silence.

  Now it was Levi's turn to sigh. The truth was, sometimes he missed his family. But he missed the family he'd had years ago before his sexual orientation had come between them. He missed the parents who'd loved him and raised him. He missed the brothers who teased him and Ruth, who babied him, and even Rachel, who sometimes drove him nuts.

  The family he found when he visited now was a completely different story.

  "How's the pain?" Ruth asked, interrupting his thoughts. "Did you find a massage therapist?"

  "I did. And Jackson was right: it did help."

  "Why do I hear a 'but' coming?"

  "I kind of got kicked out."

  "Leviticus Walton Binder, what did you do?"

  Leave it to Ruth to pull out the full-name thing, as his mother had always done.

  "I was flirting with my therapist." Even as he said it, though, he realized it wasn't exactly the truth. "More than flirting. I came on pretty strong."

  "And he kicked you out?"

  "Well, first he said no..." His sentence died unfinished, as he thought about how to finish.

  "And?"

  "I suppose you could say I was overly persistent."

  "Why?"

  "I guess I thought he was playing hard-to-get. I thought I could change his mind."

  She was silent for a second and then she said with obvious relish, "In other words, you thought you knew what was right, whether it was what he wanted or not. Hmmm... Why does that sound familiar?"

  Of course, she was correct. Disregarding Jaime's words and assuming he didn't know his own desires was exactly the type of thing Levi's parents did to him, and it infuriated him. It had never occurred to him how manipulative his attempts at seduction sometimes were. It made him feel small and pathetic. Especially in light of his suspicions about sexual abuse, his advances had been borderline harassment. Of course, he hadn't known about the abuse at the time, and even now it was nothing more than speculation, but that didn't excuse his actions. And since he could easily get laid almost any night of the week at the club, his insistence on seducing Jaime had been downright selfish. He was ashamed of what an asshole he'd been. "Ruth, I really hate it when you're right."

  "I'm your big sister," she said. "It's all part of the job."

  Chapter 6

  It was Sunday when Levi called him. Jaime saw the name on caller ID and didn't answer. He was relieved when Levi didn't leave a message. But an hour later, his phone was ringing again. Once again he ignored it, but he wasn't surprised when Levi called a third time, later that night. This time, he answered, albeit reluctantly.

  "Hello?"

  "It's Levi."

  "I know. What do you want?"

  "Jaime, I'm sorry."

  "Now that you've spent the weekend working and surfing and your psoas is acting up, I'm sure you are. Goodbye."

  "Wait, Jaime! That's not what I meant."

  "I don't believe you."

  Levi sighed. "I never meant to upset you. I really didn't. I mean, yes, I meant to hit on you, but I didn't mean to scare you. And I never wanted to hurt you."

  Now that Jaime was really listening, he realized Levi did actually sound sincere. "The problem wasn't just you hitting on me. It was that I asked you to stop--more than once--and you didn't."

  "I know. And I should have. I mean I should never have started. It's just I wanted to seduce you. Maybe it was wrong. It was definitely selfish. But it wasn't malicious. I didn't realize how upsetting it would be for you. And I'm sorry."

  Jaime hadn't expected such a heartfelt apology. It took him a moment to answer. Of course, it hadn't been malicious. He knew that. However, he was surprised Levi had apparently thought about the incident enough to recognize the real root of the problem. "Apology accepted," he said. "Goodnight, Mr. Binder."

  "Jaime, wait!"

  "What?" Jaime asked, although he was pretty sure he knew what was coming.

  "Jaime, I'd really like to come back."

  "I don't think it's a good idea."

  "I promise, I won't hit on you. I won't touch you. I promise to be a perfect gentleman."

  Could he believe him? That was the question. On one hand, Levi sounded sincere, and Jaime hated to lose a client. On the other hand, Levi scared him. Not all the time. Not even most of the time. But when he made advances, Jaime felt all of his old fears circling him in the darkness, snapping at his heels, waiting for him to trip and fall so they could pounce on him and swallow him whole. "I'm not sure I want to take that chance," he said. He could sense Levi's disappointment, even over the phone, but he refused to be swayed by it. "Goodbye, Levi."

  * * * *

  He told himself over and over again he'd made the right decision. He was better off without Levi.

  He saw all of his usual clients that week. There was Bill, the accountant. Bill weighed nearly three hundred pounds, but complained constantly how his desk job was too hard on his knees. There was Molly, the over-worked mother of four. She never said a word. She lay on the table, blubbery and white, silent and limp. She reminded Jaime of a dead fish in more ways than one. There was Jen, the stripper, aka Sable. She had back trouble from dancing in five-inch heels. She talked incessantly of the clients who professed their undying love as they tucked their overdue child support payments into her sequined brassiere. There was Tammy, who had hairy legs and dirty feet. And Roger, who smelled like stale beer. There was Carol, the waitress, and Cal, the CEO.

  He knew them all, and even liked a few of them, but he did their massages on autopilot. He stifled his yawns, telling himself he was just tired. But the truth was, he missed Levi. He hadn't realized until he was gone how much he'd enjoyed doing Levi's massages. Except for that one terrible day, Levi had always been nice. He was funny. He answered Jaime's questions and laughed at his jokes. He was at times frustrating and infuriating and argumentative. He was bright and vibrant and fun. He was like a ray of sunshine in Jaime's small, dimly lit massage room. The fact of the matter was, Jaime never found himself on autopilot with Levi. He liked that.

  For three days, he debated whether he could count on Levi's promise to behave. On Wednesday afternoon, as he locked the door behind Sheila, the pampered trophy wife of a rich octogenarian and who brought her dog in a purse to ev
ery massage, he made up his mind. And he called Levi.

  "Hello?" Even over the phone, Levi's voice had a sultry edge, making everything sound like a come-on. It unnerved Jaime a bit, but it was too late to turn back now.

  "It's Jaime Marshall."

  "Jaime," Levi said. "Hey. Hi. Ummm..." He was stammering, obviously surprised, but he sounded pleased. "How's it going?"

  "Did you find another therapist?"

  "No. Well, yes. Not really." Of course, the answer made no sense, and Jaime waited for Levi to elaborate. "What I mean is, I looked in the phone book, but I haven't called anyone yet."

  "Why not?"

  "I don't know. One's too far away, the next one's even farther, and the other has one of those stupid little Jesus-fish on her Yellow Pages ad, which kind of bugs me. I'm afraid she'll get all 'family values' on me."

  Jaime couldn't help but smile. "Those don't seem like very good reasons."

  "They're not," Levi admitted.

  "How's your back?"

  "It hurts. And so does my ass. And my thigh is fucking killing me." He sighed. "I know I should call somebody else, Jaime, but I don't want anybody else. I want you." He stopped short and then swore. "Shit! I didn't mean that the way it probably sounded!"

  Jaime smiled at Levi's blunder. Levi had often teased him by calling him sadistic, and right then, Jaime felt it might be true because he was definitely finding some pleasure in Levi's discomfort. For the moment at least, he believed Levi's desire to return was based on his need for a massage and not on any ulterior sexual motive. "Do you still want to come back?"

  "Yes!"

  "Can I trust you?"

  "Absolutely. I swear I'll be good."

  Jaime was fairly sure by now he was going to agree, but it was nice to have Levi on the defensive. "I don't know, Levi. Maybe you should call the lady with the fish in her ad."

  "Jaime, wait! Please, let me come back! I swear not to hit on you ever again."

  "I'm not sure I believe you."

  "I'll respect your boundaries."

  "That'd be nice."

  "I'll do everything you say. Even the stretches!"

  "That'd be a change."

  "I'll keep my hands to myself."

  "I suppose it's a start."

  "I'll let you tie them down."

  "I don't think that's legal."

  "I'll let you duct-tape my mouth so I can't say a word."

  "Now you're just getting kinky."

  "I'll...I'll..." Jaime grinned as Levi struggled with something else he could offer. "I'll pay double!"

  "Deal," Jaime said.

  This was met by a stunned silence, and Jaime fought not to laugh. He could picture Levi on the other end of the line, realizing exactly what he had just agreed to.

  "Really?" Levi asked again. He sounded hopeful, but hesitant. "Ummm...do I have to pay double from here on out? Or only for the next one?"

  "I haven't decided," Jaime said.

  "I know I offered, but...ummm." He fell silent again for a second. "Wow."

  Jaime couldn't hold it in anymore. He laughed aloud.

  "You sadistic bastard," Levi said, and there was a note of appreciation in his voice. "You're totally fucking with me, aren't you?"

  "You did offer," Jaime said.

  "Can I really come back?"

  Jaime sighed, hoping against hope he was making the right decision. "I still have you in my book for tomorrow anyway."

  "Thank you!"

  "Consider yourself on probation."

  "Understood!"

  "I'll see you at four."

  "I promise you won't regret it."

  I hope not. "Good night, Levi."

  "Jaime, wait!"

  "Yes?" he asked, trying again not to laugh. He definitely knew what was coming this time.

  "Do I really have to pay double?"

  "I'll decide that based on your behavior."

  * * * *

  It was all easy enough to say on the phone, but by the next morning, Jaime was already regretting his decision. He had several clients before Levi, and as he worked, his anxiety grew. Why had he agreed to let Levi come back?

  By the time Levi arrived, Jaime was scared to death. What if Levi had lied? What if it was all a trick to get back in the door? What if Levi really just wanted to torment him more?

  He knew he was being irrational. Levi had nothing to gain by doing anything so childish. But as with most things related to his fear, being rational had no effect. The simple truth was, he was afraid to face Levi. He halfway considered not answering the door, even though he knew it was ridiculous. For better or worse, he had agreed to treat Levi again. He couldn't back out now.

  He barely looked at Levi as he let him in. He quickly told him to undress and get on the table, and went to wait in the kitchen. His heart raced and his mouth was dry. Dolly, sensing something was wrong, nudged his knee. He crouched down to pet her. She rested her head on his shoulder and sighed as he rubbed under her collar. He found himself relaxing as he scratched her. She made him feel better. She helped him feel calm. He wished he could take her into the massage room with him.

  He stood up to go back in, but stopped short before opening the door. Why couldn't he take her in? It was his house, after all.

  "Come on, girl," he said, as he opened the door. "Come meet Levi."

  Dolly was thrilled to be let into the forbidden room. She made the rounds, sniffing around the table and thoroughly inspecting Levi's shoes.

  "Do you mind if she's here?" Jaime asked Levi. "You're not allergic to dogs, are you?"

  "I don't mind," Levi said. He was on his stomach with his face in the face cradle, and he put his hand down to let Dolly sniff him. "What's her name?"

  "Dolly."

  Levi looked up at him with a smile. "As in Parton?"

  "I didn't name her," Jaime said, feeling himself blush. "They named her at the shelter."

  "She's cute."

  Somehow, Levi's acceptance of his dog made him feel better about everything. Suddenly, he knew this was going to be fine. "Let's get started, Levi. Why don't we start with three deep breaths?"

  "Jaime, wait."

  Jaime was surprised to hear Levi sound so unsure.

  "I want to apologize--"

  "Forget it," Jaime said, and he was even more surprised to realize he meant it. "You're forgiven. Now for once in your life, cooperate, will you? Let's start with three deep breaths."

  And Levi obeyed.

  Chapter 7

  Although his first trip back had started out awkwardly, it didn't take them long to get past it. By his second trip back, the tension was gone. Levi was glad the unfortunate incident seemed to be forgotten. They continued to talk through Levi's massages, and Levi was surprised at how he sometimes enjoyed Jaime's company as much as he enjoyed the massage.

  Three weeks later was Levi's thirty-first birthday. It fell on a Thursday. He took the night off, not because he had any special plans, but because it seemed pathetic that he had nothing better to do than work. He lay in bed for a while after he woke, debating how to celebrate. Surfing was the obvious answer, but it would only fill his morning. He had a massage with Jaime in the afternoon. And after that? He wasn't sure. He could always do the easy thing and go out and get laid. But he did that so often it didn't feel like anything special. Maybe a movie? Maybe he'd rent something and sit at home. Not exactly an exciting birthday.

  His phone rang, interrupting his thoughts. It was his landline, which meant dragging himself out of bed to get it. And, of course, it was his mother. He debated not answering, but a twinge of guilt changed his mind.

  "Hello?"

  "Happy birthday, honey! How does it feel to be thirty-one?"

  "About the same as it felt being thirty."

  "What are you doing today? Any plans?"

  "I'll probably go surfing. After that, I don't know."

  "Do you work tonight?"

  "I took it off."

  "From the club?"

&nbs
p; Levi bit back a groan. Less than a minute on the phone and the lecture was starting already. "Yes, from the club."

  "Honey, when are you going to find a different job? A real job?"

  "Don't start."

  "Oh, honey! I hate to see you wasting your life there--"

  "Don't start, Mom!"

  "I just want you to be happy."

  Yes, as long as he was happy on their terms and not his own. Levi bit his tongue and refrained from answering. His apparent yielding of the field on the matter caused her to try a new approach.

  "Do you remember Jody Carlton? She was in our ward."

  "Of course." Not only had Levi gone to the same church as Jody, they'd also attended the same high school. "She graduated a year behind me."

  "I spoke to her mother the other day. It turns out Jody lives in Tampa now." She paused for effect, and Levi braced himself for what he knew was coming. "She's divorced, you know."

  "I doubt she'd appreciate being set up with a gay man whose main memory of her was the day she got her period during PE while wearing white shorts."

  "Levi! That must've been mortifying for her!"

  "I'm sure it was. All the more reason I'm sure she'd rather not see me again."

  "Honey, just call her, won't you? You could meet her for dinner--"

  "And then what, Mom? Date her, even though she'd be nothing more than a friend? Marry her, whether I love her or not? Spend the rest of my life telling her I can't fuck her because I have a headache, which will last until the day I die?" He regretted it as soon as he'd said it, but there was no way to un-say the word now.

  "Levi! I don't appreciate the vulgarity."

  "I'm sorry." He took a deep breath and attempted to calm himself down. "I'm sorry I said that."

  "How about if I give you her number?"

  He had to end this now, before it got any worse. "'Bye, Mom. Thanks for calling," he said, fighting to keep the edge in his voice so he would sound angry instead of depressed. "Nice talking to you."