by Marie Sexton
"I do," Jaime assured him. "I'm not mad at you. I don't blame you at all." His free hand stroked Levi's cheek. He looked down into Levi's troubled eyes. He wanted to soothe him. He wanted to take away all of his doubts. Without quite knowing he'd decided to do it, he leaned forward. He put his lips on Levi's forehead. He felt Levi's grip on his fingers tighten as he kissed him, first in the center of his forehead, then one eyebrow, then the other. He heard Levi's breath catch. Part of him wanted to go on kissing Levi forever--his eyes and his cheeks and maybe even his gorgeous full lips. But he stopped. He looked down into Levi's hazel eyes, and said, "You're the best friend I have in the world. I don't want that to change."
Levi sighed and let go of his hand. Jaime finished his massage. But Levi never did relax.
* * * *
Levi barely made it through his massage without crying. It was a horrible feeling. He'd seen Jaime cry and he hadn't thought any less of him for it. But for himself? He didn't cry. Certainly not in front of other men.
He couldn't stop thinking about Jaime's gentle touch on his cheeks and how it had felt when Jaime kissed him. His heart had hammered in his chest, and he'd had to fight to keep from reaching for him. He'd wanted to beg him for more. And then Jaime had said those words: "I don't want that to change." Levi knew Jaime wasn't ready for whatever it was Levi longed for. And although Jaime nagged him through the entire massage about how tense he was and how he needed to relax, Levi couldn't let go for fear he'd lose himself completely. He'd either burst into tears or he'd open his heart up to Jaime and never get it back. Or both. So instead, he fought and he had managed to hold on until he made it home.
He knew he had been a fool on Saturday night. He'd been given a chance with Jaime to do something right and good, and he had fucked it up. The worst part was, he didn't even know why.
It wasn't about sex. He hadn't gone back to the storage room because he was horny or because he really wanted to get laid. Those things had been part of it, but they weren't the parts that led to the blackness. He had gone with Jory because he felt he had something to prove. The question was, to whom? To Max or to his parents? To himself? Or was it to God?
They all had expectations. Max had said, "It's who you are," and for some reason, Levi had believed him. After all, wasn't that what he'd been trying to prove to his family all these years--that even God could not take away what he was? So he'd gone in the back room and fucked Jory hard, putting all his frustration, his anger and his rage into it. He let the blackness rule him, and when he was done, he hadn't felt better. He hadn't felt vindicated. He'd only felt angry and ashamed.
He'd wanted to prove something to the family who had hurt him--the family whose expectations he could never meet--but what about his own expectations? Jaime needed him, and Levi had sworn to himself, if not to anybody else, that he would take care of him. And he had failed. Why? Because it was who he was. He hated who he had let himself become.
Of course, what had happened with Jory wasn't the worst part. The worst part had come later. He'd gone home full of shame, anger and pain, and he'd taken it all out on the one person who had never asked him for anything. Everybody else had expectations he hated, but Jaime had only one--that Levi be his friend. And Levi had failed at that, too.
He opened his cell phone. He scrolled through the names with no idea of who he was going to call. He hit the call button without even realizing he was going to do it.
"Hello?" Ruth said.
He was so surprised when he heard her voice he almost hung up the phone. It took a second to make himself say, "It's me."
"Hey, Leviticus." And despite their unfriendly conversation less than forty-eight hours before, her voice was warm. "What's up? You're not in jail or anything are you?"
"Why would you ask that?"
"Because you've never called me before. I figure it must be an emergency."
Was she right? He'd never called his own sister? Out of his entire family, she was the one who made a little bit of an effort for him, and this was how he repaid her? "I wouldn't quite call it an emergency, but I do need your help."
"What's going on?" she asked, suddenly serious.
He couldn't believe, now that he was on the phone with her, how hard it was to keep himself together. However, unlike with Jaime, he didn't have to fight it. It wasn't as if Ruth had never seen her little brother cry before. He put his head down in his hands and he let the tears come. "Ruth, if God tests you and you fail, do you think you can get second chance?"
"I suppose it depends on the test and the reason you failed. What's this about, Levi?"
"I had a chance to do something right. And I screwed it up. Part of me wants to make it right, but it might be too late. And I'm not sure if trying to fix things now, after I've already done it wrong...I don't know if that's good. Or if it's cheating. Like I'm doing it for the wrong reasons. I don't know if changing my life now will make a difference. And if I do change things, how do I know that's right if I still failed to begin with?"
He had to stop and wipe and eyes, and he knew he wasn't making any sense at all. "I don't know what to do, Ruth. I don't know what he wants me to do. And if it's what you all think, then I don't want to do it anyway. But if it's what I think, then... Well then, I think maybe I do. But is it wrong for me to want to place conditions on it? What if it is what you all think, and doing what I think only make things worse? What if--"
"Levi, stop," she said with a gentleness that reminded him of his childhood and of a ten-year-old Ruth putting a Band-Aid on his skinned knee. "Listen. I don't know what you're talking about, but I don't need to know. You obviously have a question for God. You feel like he's put you at a crossroads, and you don't know which way to go. You have us telling you to go one way, and you've always insisted on going the other. But now it sounds like there's a third path before you, and you don't know if he wants you to take it or not. Is that it?"
"Yes," he said, feeling relieved she understood. "Tell me what to do."
"Let me ask you this, Levi: if you need to know what God wants you to do, why on Earth are you wasting your time talking to me?"
"Because..." Because God won't listen to me. Because I'm a sinner. Because I'm an abomination. Because I've done everything I can to turn my back on him.
"All I can tell you is, if you talk to him, he will listen. I can't say he'll answer you instantly, but he'll hear. And if you have repentance in your heart Levi, he'll know. And you have nothing to lose by trying."
Levi hung up the phone with a heavy heart. He had wanted Ruth to give him an answer, but he wasn't sure he liked the one he'd received. Yet, what she'd said at the end was true--he had nothing to lose by trying. So Levi did what he hadn't done in nearly ten years: he prayed.
It wasn't a good prayer. Not in the way he'd been taught. Certainly his parents wouldn't have approved. But his church taught that it was okay to talk to God any time. He only needed to open his heart. So that's what Levi did.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I know you may not approve of me or of the way I've lived these past several years. And I'm not asking you to forgive me for that because I'm not sure I'm sorry. But I am sorry for what happened on Saturday. I think you led me to Jaime for a reason, and I've screwed it up. I don't like what I've let myself become. I don't mean being gay, and if that's something you don't like, I can't change it. But there are other things I can change. And I think maybe I should. So I'm going to do what I can, and if you really did send me to Jaime for a reason, then I'm asking you please to let me try it again. Because I know I've failed at a lot of things, but I don't want to fail with him. Amen."
He climbed into bed and fell asleep. When he woke in the morning, he had a plan. He couldn't have said if it was God answering his prayer, or if it was only a matter of having finally admitted what he knew was right. But he knew what he needed to do.
Chapter 20
Jaime worried all morning things would be awkward again during Levi's massage. He hated how he'd messed things
up between them so much. Levi was the closest thing he had to a friend and somehow Jaime had managed to ruin it.
He was relieved when Levi arrived to see that he seemed considerably more at ease than he had on Monday. On the other hand, he looked completely exhausted. He was pale and had ugly dark circles under his eyes.
"How are you?" Jaime asked as he let him in.
Levi shrugged, his eyes intent on Jaime. "How are you?" he challenged.
"Fine." He wasn't exactly lying. It was mostly the truth.
Levi sat down on the massage table in front of him. "Are you sleeping?"
"I'm doing okay." That, however, was an outright lie. He was only getting a few hours a night, and that mostly on his couch, but he didn't want Levi to know. He didn't want to make him feel guilty for wanting his life back. Besides, looking at Levi, he could tell he wasn't the only one having trouble with insomnia. He put his fingers up and brushed Levi's hair out of his eyes. Levi's eyes drifted closed, but he didn't move.
"How about you?" he asked. "Are you sleeping?"
Levi opened his eyes again, and Jaime was surprised by how sad they looked. "About as well as you I'd guess."
Jaime smiled. He ran his finger down Levi's cheek. He wanted to touch him so much. He knew it was unprofessional. On the other hand, that was why Levi was here--for a massage.
"I'll go out so you can get undressed--"
"No," Levi said. His hand was still touching Levi's cheek, and Levi reached up and pulled it away. He held Jaime's hand in his.
Jaime trusted him more than he'd trusted anybody in a long time, maybe ever, but it still took some effort to not pull away.
"I'm not getting a massage today," Levi said.
"You're not?"
Levi shook his head. "I can't..." He let the sentence die away, looking down at where he held Jaime's hand in his. He took a deep breath, and Jaime was surprised to see Levi seemed to be having a hard time keeping himself together.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
Levi nodded. "I came to tell you I quit my job at The Zone."
"Why?" he asked. He'd always thought Levi loved his job, and not only because of the sexual perks.
"It was time," Levi said. "That's all. I told them I'd work this weekend, so I don't leave them in a jam. But after Saturday, I won't be going back."
"What are you gong to do?"
"I don't know." He finally looked up and met Jaime's eyes again. "I have no idea, which scares the hell out of me, but I know this is the right thing to do."
"That's why you're not getting a massage--because you might be unemployed for a while and you need to save money? Because I'll do it for free."
Levi shook his head. "That's not it, Jaime."
"Then what?"
"Think of it as penance."
"Penance? Don't you just say some Hail Marys or something?"
"Not in my church."
"So it's like Lent?"
Levi laughed. "No," he said shaking his head. "Forgiveness comes from works, not grace." The words confused Jaime, and Levi must have seen it on his face because he smiled, waving his hand as if he were shooing the idea away. "Forget I even said it." He didn't let go of Jaime's hand, but used his other hand to pull something out of his pocket. He held it up for Jaime to see. It was the key to his apartment. "This wasn't a short-term loan." He tucked the key into Jaime's hand and closed his fingers over it. "It's yours. You can use it any time."
It was exactly what Jaime had been afraid of. Despite making every effort to put him at ease, Levi still apparently felt guilty. "Levi, you don't have to do this. You shouldn't have to put your life on hold--"
"I'm not--"
"I was in the way."
"You weren't."
"What if you want to bring somebody home?"
"I won't."
"But--"
"Jaime," Levi said, smiling and shaking his head in bewilderment. "Will you stop?"
"Stop what?"
"Stop making this harder than it needs to be!"
Jaime wasn't really sure how to answer, so he kept silent.
"I have to work tonight," Levi told him. "It's ridiculous for you to be here, fighting nightmares, when you could be there, sleeping fine."
Jaime felt the heat of his blush at how childish it made him feel. But Levi's eyes weren't laughing at him. They were kind.
Jaime didn't know what to do. He worried going back to Levi's would eventually lead to Levi being mad at him again. On the other hand, the thought of settling down into Levi's fabulous bed and sleeping through the night again was unbelievably tempting.
"You can think about it," Levi said as he let go of Jaime's hand and stood to leave.
Jaime resisted the urge to call him back.
Levi stopped before walking out the door. He turned back with his sexy smile. It didn't quite fit with the obvious strain and exhaustion on his face. "When I get home," he said, "I hope you're there."
* * * *
Although he'd slept well on Monday night, Levi'd hardly slept at all since then. He kept second-guessing himself, even though he knew what he was doing was right.
Part of him had wanted to tell Jaime everything--to fall to his knees and tell him how much he meant to him and beg him to come back--but he knew it would be a mistake. It would either scare Jaime away or it would put pressure on him, and Levi didn't want either of those things. He needed to make amends first, if not to Jaime, then to God and to himself. And in the meantime, he would wait and nothing more. He knew in his heart it was the only thing he could do, and he resolved he would be happy with their relationship, whether they were only friends or whether they managed to become more.
Of course, that didn't mean he didn't have a definite preference in regard to that particular issue.
He worked his shift at The Zone. He tried not to think about whether Jaime would be there when he got home or not. He ignored Max's sideways glances and the advances of a ridiculous number of customers, including Jory. He'd never had trouble finding partners, but he was sure he'd never had quite this selection before either. It didn't matter. He was never going back to the storage room again.
Finally, his shift ended and he drove his bike home, forcing himself to keep his speed somewhere close to legal. He turned into his building's parking lot with a mixed sense of dread and anticipation. He scanned the spots, looking for Jaime's car, and when he finally spotted it, he felt a tightness in his chest ease. It almost brought tears to his eyes.
He snuck into his own house and into his room. Dolly's tail thumped against the bed in greeting. Levi was ridiculously happy to see her. He was so relieved to find Jaime sleeping in his bed, it was all he could do to keep from grabbing him and holding him close. But he knew Jaime would never allow it. He quickly stripped down to his briefs. He was debating between trying to sleep next to Jaime or waking him, which Jaime would expect, but it would mean he would leave. Levi could go to the couch. But first, he wanted to look at him.
Jaime was lying on his right side, with Dolly at his back and his right arm stretched out across the bed. Levi moved as quietly as he could. He scooted onto the bed so he could look down at Jaime. The last thing Levi wanted was to wake him, but he couldn't stand not to touch him. He wanted to run his fingers down his neck or along his jaw, but he didn't dare. Jaime's outstretched hand was right in front of Levi, palm up, his fingers slightly curled. Levi reached down and took Jaime's hand in his. Jaime didn't stir. Levi stroked Jaime's fingers and the palm of his hand, keeping his touch as light as he could. There were strange shadows on Jaime's wrist, and Levi moved his fingertip over them.
They weren't shadows.
There were three of them. They ran diagonally across Jaime's wrist. They were faint, but definitely there. They couldn't be veins. Levi leaned closer, his finger tracing the faint ridges.
They were scars.
Levi felt as if his heart had stopped beating inside his chest as he realized what those scars meant. He couldn't even breathe.
"I was fifteen," Jaime said quietly, surprising Levi. He hadn't realized Jaime was awake. "I wanted to do it right. I tried to buy a gun, but the man at the pawn shop wouldn't sell me one without my mom's permission."
If Levi thought the scars were bad, they were nothing compared to the thought of a gun. He thought of Jaime with the barrel against his head, or even worse, in his mouth, and he had to force himself to breathe. He felt himself being choked by tears.
"Oh God, Jaime. No." Levi gripped Jaime's hand tight, as if by holding on to him now, he could stop the Jaime back then from ever having tried.
"I used my mom's best knife, but I didn't do it right. I apparently don't have much of a threshold for pain because I passed out. I didn't go deep enough."
It was strange how Jaime could talk about it now as if it didn't matter a bit. And it was strange how an event that had happened so long ago, before they had ever met, could inspire such terror in Levi's heart. He felt as if he had almost lost Jaime all over again. He leaned over and kissed those lines on Jaime's wrist, as if he could take away the pain of whatever had caused Jaime to make them, and he felt Jaime's hand cup his cheek. What if the pawn shop owner hadn't been so honest? What if the knife had been sharper? What if Jaime had been able to stay conscious? The thought that he might never have had a chance to know him at all was surprisingly painful.
Jaime's fingers were in his hair, and Levi realized his lips were still touching Jaime's wrist. And Jaime wasn't pulling away. This was right. He was sure of it, more than ever. Not only had God saved Jaime all those years ago, but he had brought him to Levi.
"Don't ever try again," Levi said. "Please." His vision was blurry with tears, and he turned his head to look into Jaime's clear blue eyes. "Promise me."
"It was a long time ago," Jaime said.
"Promise me!"
"I promise."
At those words, the dam inside Levi broke and the next thing he knew, he was sobbing into Jaime's hand. "I'm sorry, Jaime. I'm so, so sorry."
