Between Sinners And Saints

by Marie Sexton

  "Levi"--he sighed--"I'm so tired. I really want to sleep now."

  "Go ahead, baby," Levi said. "I'll be right here."

  Levi felt Jaime's arms steal around his waist, and his heart seemed to skip a beat. "Thank you for getting Dolly for me."

  "You're welcome," Levi told him. And for the first time, but Levi hoped not the last, Jaime fell sound asleep in his arms.

  Chapter 27

  Jaime woke slowly. Oddly enough, the first thing he became aware of was the emptiness behind him. He seemed to be right on the edge of the bed, and if he tried to roll onto his back, he'd fall off. The second thing he realized was that somebody was holding him tight to keep him from falling. And it took only a heartbeat for him to know that person was Levi, not only because he knew Levi's smell and the sound of his breathing, but because there was nobody else in the world it could possibly be.

  He opened his eyes. He could see the hollow of Levi's throat, but by turning his head a bit, he was able to get his bearings. He wasn't on a bed at all. They were lying on his couch, stomach to stomach, with Levi's strong arms around him.

  He waited for panic to flare in his chest as it often did at physical contact, but it didn't come. He felt good lying in Levi's arms. Levi was warm and he smelled amazing. Jaime's head was cushioned on Levi's arm. Their legs were tangled together, Levi's right leg lying over Jaime's left. Jaime could tell by his breathing he was asleep.

  Although his right arm was pinned slightly under Levi and between them, his left arm was free, draped over Levi's waist. Levi's shirt had ridden up a bit in the back, and Jaime could feel Levi's smooth skin against his fingers. He could feel Levi breathing.

  Jaime closed his eyes and tried to put a name to what he was feeling. He felt lazy, yet a bit restless. He felt content, but a tad on edge. He felt good, although somehow unsatisfied. He felt, he realized suddenly, unbelievably turned on. Levi's body was tight against him. His neck was only a hairsbreadth from his lips. Levi's leg was wedged tantalizingly against his groin. Without thinking, Jaime pushed. Not hard, only the tiniest shift against Levi's firm thigh, but it felt amazing. Jaime's breath caught in his throat. His heart hammered in his chest. His extremely erect dick ached for more.

  And Levi slept on.

  Jaime moved his free hand slowly up Levi's back and then down his side, exploring smooth skin over firm muscles he already knew by heart from the massage table. He put his lips against Levi's throat. Part of him knew he should stop, but he couldn't make himself obey. In the past, he'd often felt ashamed of his desires, but there was no shame in wanting to touch Levi. After all, who in the world wouldn't want to touch Levi?

  He tried not to push against Levi's thigh, but he wasn't sure he succeeded. He parted his lips against Levi's smooth throat, and he tasted Levi's skin. It was salty, of course, but somehow, the feel of flesh against the tip of his tongue was incredibly arousing. He wanted more. He tilted his head back an inch and felt Levi's Adam's apple against his lips.

  He froze there, his groin aching, his tongue tasting, his head swimming. As simple as it was, it was, without a doubt, the most erotic moment of his life. With a little more pressure, a few gentle grinds, he could almost have come. Never before had he been so close to another man, so close he could feel Levi's breathing. He could smell him and touch him, and push himself against Levi's thigh. So close he could feel...

  He could feel Levi push back.

  It was subtle, and he suspected Levi hadn't meant it to happen any more than Jaime had the first time. But now he realized he wasn't the only one who was turned on. He wasn't the only one pushing. He wasn't the only one whose slow exhalations were almost moans. Levi's groin pushed against him, his erection obvious against Jaime's hip.

  Fear blossomed in his chest. Somehow, with Levi asleep, he'd been able to get around it. Now he felt his heart start to pound with something other than arousal.

  Jaime felt Levi's arms tighten around him. He felt Levi kiss his temple. He would only need to tip his head back to feel those lips kiss him for real.

  "Baby, please don't stop," Levi whispered. "We can go as slow as you want, but please, please, don't stop."

  The fear in Jaime's chest exploded into something almost like panic. "I can't," he choked out, hating how he was suddenly ready to cry. Again. "I can't do this."

  "Shh," Levi soothed, stroking his hair and his back. "You're doing fine."

  "I can't," Jaime said again.

  "Why not?"

  Why not? It was a good question. Because the truth was, underneath his crippling fear, Jaime didn't want to stop. He wanted to keep touching Levi. And there was nothing wrong with that. Rationally, Jaime knew that was true. In fact, it would have been strange not to want Levi. He was gorgeous, confident and unbelievably sexy. His gaze sometimes sent shivers up Jaime's spine, and his smile made Jaime weak in the knees. And here he was, holding Jaime tight, begging him to touch him more.

  "I'm scared."

  "Of me?"

  "No!"

  Levi was quiet for a moment before he asked gently, "Because of your uncle?"

  It all came back in a flash--his uncle and the letter, and the reason he was here in Levi's arms at all--and before he could do anything to stop himself, he was crying again, ashamed and frightened and embarrassed and completely unable to stop.

  Because of his uncle.

  It was because of his uncle he was damaged, and it was because he was damaged that he couldn't have Levi. He could never have what other men had. He could never expect any man to deal with his fears and his neurosis, let alone Levi, who lived for sex and surfing and nothing else in the world. It was ridiculous. Levi had already given him so much. It was selfish to expect him to give more, when Jaime had absolutely nothing he could give in return. But how could he say it all to Levi?

  "Baby, it's okay," Levi told him, holding him tight. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pressured you. I'm so sorry."

  "I'm such a mess, Levi. I'm an emotional basket case. I'm afraid of everything. I can't even sleep in my own bed!"

  "You're doing fine--"

  "I'm not doing fine! I'm a wreck! I'm worse than a kid! Why do you put up with me at all?"

  It was a ridiculous, childish question, born of frustration more than anything. But Levi didn't hesitate. He tightened his grip around Jaime and said, "Because I love you."

  The gentle sincerity in his voice only made Jaime cry harder. "No, you don't. You're just trying to make me feel better."

  "I love you, Jaime. I know you can't believe me right now, but it's true. I love you so much, and I have for so long. I don't know how you can't know it." He laughed. "My whole family knows, Jaime. Even my mom. I don't know how you can't have guessed."

  "No, you don't," Jaime said. "You can't."

  Levi laughed again. "I don't think that's a decision you get to make."

  Levi's words made no sense, but they gave him something to hang onto. Something to concentrate on while he calmed himself down. Levi loved him? Since when? How could that be?

  Jaime thought back over evenings spent together on Levi's couch, and nights spent in Levi's bed. He thought back to the morning Levi had come home so angry, and about how sorry Levi had been afterward. He'd left the club. Jaime hadn't understood. He thought of Ruth asking him if Levi still had sex with lots of men. He thought of Caleb laughing and saying, I'm sure you'll figure it out. "You quit your job for me?"

  "I couldn't work there and be the person you deserve."

  Which meant Levi really was celibate right now. Because of Jaime. "But I can't..." He fought hard to keep from crying again. "I can't have sex with you."

  "Shh, Jaime. I don't care about that."

  "You don't care about sex?" Jaime asked, torn between laughter and bitterness.

  Levi sighed. "I'm not going to lie to you. I want you so much, sometimes it's all I can do to keep my hands to myself. But I swore I'd be patient. I swore I'd wait and wouldn't pressure you." He kissed Jaime's head again. "I've been trying
to be good. I'm sorry I pressured you just now."

  It was still hard to get his head around it. But he knew whatever had just happened, it wasn't Levi's fault. "You didn't," Jaime said. "I started it." Levi didn't answer, just continued to hold him and comfort him. "I wish I could finish it. But it scares me so much."

  "I understand."

  He meant it, too. That was what amazed Jaime the most. Levi really did understand, as much as anyone could who hadn't been through it himself.

  Jaime lay there in Levi's arms for what felt like ages, trying to make sense of it. His right arm began to fall asleep and his bladder started to complain. But he was reluctant to move. He was reluctant to leave the warmth of Levi's embrace. He was scared to have to look him in the eyes again. He was afraid he might have ruined everything. He tried to imagine how things might be different or awkward between them now. "Levi?"

  "What?"

  "Can I still stay with you tonight?"

  "You can stay with me every night, Jaime. Nothing's changed. We'll finish the laundry when you're ready. We'll get Dolly and we'll go home. I'll order pizza with loads and loads of mushrooms for you. And we'll watch some god-awful movie on Syfy until you fall asleep. And then I'll put you to bed."

  Jaime tightened his arms around Levi. He kissed his neck once, allowing his lips to linger there for only a second. "And what about this?"

  "I'll wait, Jaime. Whenever you're ready."

  "What if I never am?"

  Levi shrugged. "It's a chance I'm willing to take."

  Chapter 28

  If things were awkward between them, it was only for a couple of hours. Levi treated him the same as he always had. And when they went to bed that night, Jaime locked the handle of the bedroom door and stood staring at it, wishing it had a deadbolt like his bedroom door at home. But it didn't. The safety of staying with Levi still outweighed any security he managed to find in his own bed. He turned to find Levi watching him.

  "Do you want me to push the dresser in front of the door?" With anybody else it might have sounded sarcastic, but Levi was sincere.

  "No," Jaime told him, as he climbed into bed. It was tempting, but he knew it would only make him feel more ridiculous in the morning. He curled up on his side of the bed, wishing he were stronger, wishing he wasn't so afraid. He reached across the bed and found Levi's hand in the dark, holding it tight until he fell asleep. Even the safety of Levi's bed, though, couldn't keep the nightmares at bay, and Jaime woke, shaking, crying into his pillow to keep from waking Levi. It broke his heart to admit he was vulnerable, no matter where he slept.

  The next few days were hard. He felt as if he was stumbling around in a daze. He knew he was dangerously close to sinking into a terrible depression, but he couldn't seem to pull himself out of it. He hated how much the letter had shaken him. Just when he'd started to feel normal, his uncle had re-insinuated himself back in his life, waking old doubts, old fears and the familiar sense of shame. He tried to act normal, but many times over the next few days, he turned to find Levi watching him thoughtfully.

  He worked an entire week on autopilot. Saturday morning he buried himself under a blanket on Levi's couch. The day passed in a slow, dreary blur. Levi tried to talk to him, but Jaime felt as if his head was full of cotton. He could barely hear him. Half of Sunday passed the same way. He only roused himself at all because he could see the concern in Levi's eyes turning to panic.

  It was nearly three on Sunday when he finally showered and dressed, and it took a ridiculous amount of energy to convince himself to put on real clothes instead of his sweats again. When he came out of the bedroom, he found Levi digging through the pile of jackets and gloves and hats and who knew what else covering the floor of his coat closet.

  "What are you looking for?" Jaime asked.

  "This!" Levi emerged from the closet and triumphantly held his find up for Jaime to see. It was a motorcycle helmet. "Here," he said, holding it out to Jaime. "Let's go for a ride."

  Normally, the thought of riding a motorcycle would have terrified him, but he could barely even muster up fear. He couldn't seem to make himself care at all. "I don't want to."

  "I know you don't. But I'm asking you to do it anyway. For me."

  "I'm afraid," he said because even if he couldn't quite feel the fear through his depression, he knew it was there.

  Levi smiled, stepping closer. "I know you are. But I won't let anything happen to you, I swear." He put his hand up, and Jaime held his breath as Levi's fingertip brushed over his cheekbone. "Baby, please let me do this. Let me try to cheer you up."

  Jaime wasn't sure having the wits scared out of him could count as being cheered up, but he couldn't muster much enthusiasm for doing anything else either. "If we wreck and I die, I'll haunt you from the grave. I'm not kidding."

  Levi laughed. "I'd expect nothing less."

  Now he'd apparently committed to it, he felt his heart start to race. His stomach filled with dread. Levi gave him the leather jacket he usually wore when he rode. It was a bit big on him, but it helped calm his nerves simply because it smelled so damn good. "What about you?" Jaime asked.

  "I have an old one I can wear," Levi told him as he pulled it from the closet.

  "What about a helmet?"

  "I don't usually wear one."

  "You should."

  Levi rolled his eyes. "You can lecture me later. Let's go." Jaime tucked the helmet under his arm and followed Levi out the door. Although his knees shook so hard he wondered how he managed to walk at all, he made it down the stairs to the lot where Levi's bike was parked. Once he was faced with actually climbing aboard, he froze.

  "I'm scared," he told Levi again. "What if we get in a accident? What if I fall off?"

  "Jaime, trust me. We'll go slow." He smiled reassuringly. "It'll be fine." Levi took the helmet from his hands and placed it on Jaime's head, then climbed on the bike. He turned to look back at Jaime and said again, more emphatically this time, "Trust me."

  The bike seemed huge. Bigger than any motorcycle really had a right to be. Jaime tried to tell himself the size should have been reassuring. After all, wouldn't that make it more stable? His feeble attempt at logic did little to calm his nerves. He tried to think of some other excuse he might use to get out of going with Levi, but the simple fact was, there was nothing else. He was scared. And he could either run away, go back to sitting on the couch staring blankly at the TV, trying not to think about his uncle, or he could get on the bike and hope for the best.

  Jaime threw his leg over the back of the bike and settled on the seat behind Levi. Levi showed him where to put his feet. There was no seat back behind him to lean against. There was nothing for him to hang on to but Levi. He wrapped his arms around Levi's waist and leaned against his back. "Is this okay?"

  Levi held Jaime's hands with one of his, while reaching back with the other to pull Jaime's thigh tighter against his own. "Perfect," he said. He smiled at Jaime over his shoulder. "Now you know my ulterior motive."

  Jaime smiled despite his fear. Levi let go of him and kicked the bike to life. It rumbled beneath them. Jaime's instincts told him to get off and run back into Levi's apartment, but he made himself stay put.

  "I'll go slow," Levi assured him again. "We'll stay on the side streets for now."

  Jaime could only nod, and when they started moving, he closed his eyes and hung on tight. He was too afraid to do anything else. He felt as if he couldn't even think, as if his thoughts had to wade through the molasses of his panic.

  Levi had promised to go slow, but it didn't feel slow at all. Jaime was sure they were driving much too fast. He felt the bike turn to the right. His balance felt all wrong, as if they were going to tip over, and Jaime tightened his grip on Levi. A minute later, they turned again. He hated it just as much the second time. When the bike tipped, he wanted to lean the other way, but Levi's body, which he was holding on to, leaned into the curve, scaring him more.

  "Relax, Jaime," Levi said. "You're fightin
g it, which only makes it worse."

  "I can't relax!"

  "I want you to try something. Whenever we go around a corner, I want you to turn your head and look in the direction we're turning. It'll feel more natural to you."

  Of course, he couldn't do what Levi was asking with his eyes clenched shut. He took a deep breath and forced himself to open his eyes. He made himself look.

  He was surprised to realize to find they weren't going as fast as he had suspected. They were cruising through a residential neighborhood, and when Jaime glanced over Levi's shoulder, he saw they were barely doing twenty-five. The knowledge made him feel a bit better.

  "We're turning right," Levi told him.

  It seemed ridiculous. Why did it matter which direction he looked? But he did as Levi said and turned his head to the right as they went around the corner. It really did make it easier. He was concentrating so much on doing what Levi said that they were halfway around the curve before Jaime realized they were leaning.

  "Now left," Levi told him. This time, the turn felt smooth. It felt natural. It was still scary. He still didn't like the way the bike leaned fractionally closer to the street as they turned. He still had to fight the urge to lean the other way, but he had to admit Levi was right. His tension had made it worse.

  "You ready to get on a real road?" Levi asked at a stop sign.

  "No," Jaime told him. "But I may never be ready, so you may as well do it now."

  The worst part of the "real" roads was the traffic. It felt strange to have cars zooming past so close to them, and Jaime realized Levi was driving slower than everybody else.

  "You can go faster," he told him, although his voice shook as he said it.

  Being up to speed actually felt better. But Jaime was still terrified. When they stopped at a red light, Levi said, "Let go of me for a minute."

  "Why?"

  "It'll do you good. You're too tense. You can't enjoy it when you're so tight." He smiled back at him. "You should know this, Jaime. You're the one who's always telling me to relax."