by Jewel E. Ann
“What were you just thinking while looking at it?”
“Um …” I clear my throat.
“It’s just between the two of us. Woman to woman … what were you thinking?”
My lower lip curls inward as I nibble at some dry skin on it, eyes filling with emotion—shame. “I was thinking his hair begs for a woman’s fingers to comb it, fist it, tug it.”
Yeah, I’m blushing. My neck and cheeks burn.
“But I’m engaged to a man I love more than anything. I shouldn’t have these thoughts. I shouldn’t have this picture with me.” My finger dabs the corner of my eye to catch the stray tear that tries to escape.
“It’s not just that. I originally took it because this is a Nate I never got to see. And his expression in this photo haunts me. I don’t know why I can’t stop looking at it. It’s like I’m waiting for him to tell me his life’s story.” I laugh. “It’s so messed-up.”
“Give me your wish list.” She takes another sip of tea. It’s her third cup.
“My wish list?”
“Yes. If I gave you a piece of paper and told you to write down five things you wish for, what would they be?”
“Like a new car?”
She shrugs. “Any wish for the future. We can’t change the past.”
“I wish Griffin understood what I’m going through. I wish the police would arrest Doug Mann. I wish I could stop staring at this stupid photo. I wish I could find a different job and not miss Nate and Morgan. I wish …”
Swallowing hard, I shake my head.
“Finish.”
“I wish Daisy never died.”
“We can’t change the past. Try again.”
My jaw clenches as I rub my hands over my jeans again and again.
“I wish I knew everything or nothing instead of this fragmented memory that’s driving me crazy.”
Dr. Albright scribbles on a piece of paper. I lean forward. It’s the list of my wishes.
“Dr. Greyson rarely refers people to me. It’s usually the other way around. The main reason is because I’m a full-time professor. He sent you to me because I’m a bit of an oddity in our profession. I have memories of past lives. I believe in reincarnation. My theories are widely disputed and hugely unpopular in the psychiatric community.”
“Are your memories fragmented like mine?”
“Some are. Others are quite detailed. I don’t think two souls are ever the same. I don’t think you’re the Daisy Nathaniel remembers. I think souls are woven from many lifetimes. Think of it like ancestry. I’m not all German, but I’m part German. Memories are the hard part to figure out. I like to think of them like dominant and recessive genes. Most souls live in harmony when they move on. I call those little interwoven soul fibers the recessive souls. They’re not expressed. But sometimes we encounter dominant threads that are expressed through memory.”
She chuckles. “Some people believe those are the stubborn souls that want to finish their stories. That’s a little too simplistic and fictional for me.”
“Why do you say that?”
“I’m in awe of life—both physical and spiritual. I’m certain I’ve read more books than anyone who has walked the grounds of this campus since it originated. Yet, I’m just as certain that I’ve barely scratched the surface of the bigger picture. The question that no one can truly answer …”
I nod slowly. “Why are we here?”
“Precisely.” She winks, leaning back in her chair, rocking gently. “Why are we here? What is the meaning of life? What is my purpose? Are humans supposed to mate for life? Is there a god?”
It’s official. I’m overwhelmed. I feel very small at the moment.
“I turned twenty-two on Sunday. And I hate it when people treat me like I’m young and stupid. But if I’m being honest … I feel very young and stupid. I don’t sit around contemplating the meaning of life. I like good movies, wine and chocolate, time with my fiancé, mystery and romance novels. A beach? I’m there. A sale on cute leggings? I’ll buy ten pairs. Adjusting to adulthood and having a degree is overwhelming enough. But past lives? Souls? Dominant and recessive expressions of … whatever? No.”
I shake my head a half dozen times. “That’s not what I want to think about at this time in my life. But I also don’t want to deal with the guilt that comes from knowing who killed my friend and not being able to do anything about it.”
“I understand. I truly do. Let’s talk again next week. In the meantime, I want you to think about a few things. We can try hypnosis to either repress unfavorable memories or bring forth missing pieces. It’s not a guarantee, and it doesn’t come without risks. Also, I want you to consider telling Nathaniel about your memories of Daisy’s death. I know you think it could hurt him and compound the guilt he already feels, but it could also lead to opening up new evidence that could put Doug Mann behind bars. Nathaniel would want that, no matter what the emotional cost is to him. I’m certain of it.”
I slip on my jacket. “And what do I do with my fiancé? I’m so afraid of losing him through all of this.”
“Be honest with him. You want to marry a man who loves and accepts you. Daisy is part of you. She’s not going anywhere.”
Not the answer I want to hear. I smile anyway. “Thank you.”
CHAPTER EIGHT
“Good morning,” I say to Nate, not feeling so good about the morning or the past three days.
“Hey. She’s been changed and fed. The coffee is hot. There’s leftover Thai in the fridge. Help yourself.”
Morgan coos when I take her from Nate. I kiss her rosy cheek. She giggles. I love her.
“I’m not used to being the chipper one. Everything okay?”
I hug Morgan to me and lean against the island. “Griffin’s not speaking to me. Or he’s avoiding me. It feels the same either way. Dr. Greyson passed me off to someone else. And I have something to tell you, but there’s no time, so it will have to wait until later. Or another day. Another week … Whatever.”
“I’m sorry you’re having problems with Griffin. Dr. Greyson wouldn’t pass you off to someone else unless he thought it was in your best interest. And just tell me whatever it is you need to tell me.” He hikes the strap of his messenger bag onto his shoulder while sipping his coffee.
“Oh …” I dig into my pocket and toss his photo onto the counter. “And I stole this photo because I like to look at it. Why? I don’t know. It’s wrong. It’s messed-up beyond words. You should fire me and get a restraining order.”
I crumble inside like an imploding building.
Nate sets his cup on the counter and picks up the photo, bringing it closer to his face, eyes narrowing a fraction. “My first trip to the West Coast. I went with a buddy. He took the shot.” He sets it back on the counter. “Keep it.”
My head juts back. “What? No. Why would I keep it?”
“For the same reason you took it in the first place.” He shrugs.
“No way. It’s so wrong.”
“Why? Are you fantasizing about that guy?” He chuckles like it’s insane.
That guy?
“Yes. NO! I mean no. God no!” I shake my head and hug Morgan tighter, refocusing my attention from the photo to her.
Nate reaches into his pocket and pulls out his wallet, trying to fish something out with his big paws. “I’ve carried this around for over twenty years. Does this make you feel better?” He holds out a black and white picture of Daisy. “Her friend did her hair, makeup … even fake nails. Emily liked photography and said Daisy should be a model. She took a bunch of photos. I knew nothing about this until after Daisy died. Emily gave me this one after the funeral. I used to look at it every day. But now …”
My gaze lifts to his.
He shrugs, giving me this look. What look? I’m not sure. But the longer he keeps it plastered to his face, the more certain I feel that it’s the I-don’t-look-at-it-anymore-because-you’re-right-here look.
I don’t like this look one single b
it.
When I break the stare-off, he slips the photo back into his wallet. “I have to go. But just remember … Daisy and I were friends first and foremost.”
“So you think we should be friends?”
Grabbing his cup, he saunters to the back door. “Why not?”
“Why not?” I say to Morgan after the door shuts behind Nate. “Because I can’t be friends with men who I’ve had sex with in my dreams.”
Then, because I’m hell-bent on ruining my life before I hit twenty-five, I grab the photo off the counter and slide it back in my pocket.
*
Griffin has done a stupendous job of working late every night since my birthday and sneaking in after I’m asleep, only to be out the door before I wake up.
No calls.
No texts.
No love notes on the nightstand.
Tonight I eat dinner alone, leaving him a taco salad in the fridge in case he wants it when he comes inside later. But I miss him. I think he’s waiting for me to bridge this gap between us with an apology for being me. Dr. Albright is right. Daisy is an irremovable part of me. I can’t let her go any more than I can leave my foot at home for the day.
Maybe I can negotiate a truce for now. I grab my sweatshirt and head out to the garage. The door is shut since it’s cooler outside, so I go through the access door at the back. A woman with long black hair, leather chaps, and the tightest shirt I have ever seen, glances at me from my bucket next to Griffin.
She smiles.
Griffin sits back on his heels and looks over his shoulder, eyeing me for a few seconds with no smile. “Need something?”
My bucket. I need my bucket. Why is this woman sitting on my bucket!
“I made taco salad.” And that’s my bucket.
“Put it in the fridge.” He turns back toward the motorcycle.
No “thank you.” No introduction.
“I’m Apple.”
I squint. “Excuse me?”
The bucket thief runs her fingers (which have rings on every single one) through her eternally long hair. “My name’s Apple. Thanks for loaning your guy to me for the night. Something’s knocking with my girl, and I leave for Cali tomorrow.”
Fritter. Pie. Crisp. Dumpling. Turnover. Jelly. Who names their child Apple!
I sigh with a soft smile. I know this answer—the same generation of stoned hippies who named their kid Swayze. Do I say hi or my condolences?
Neither.
I say Bitch, get off my bucket, and I don’t loan my guy to anyone. Okay, I don’t say that either.
“I’m Swayze. And you can come inside and wait if you don’t want to sit out here on that uncomfortable bucket while he works on your bike.”
“Are you kidding?” She eyes Griff, nudging the toe of her boot against his leg. And he gives her a smile. A fucking smile! Like they’re sharing some secret message. “I used to watch Griff all the time. It’s mesmerizing. I could watch him all day.”
I’m fond of blue, but all I can see right now is red.
She pulls a stick of gum out of her pocket and rips half of it off with her teeth and holds the other half up to Griffin’s mouth.
Blazing RED!
I’m ready to pound her into applesauce and drag him by his nuts into the house. The only thing that stops me (other than the fact that she looks like she could kick my ass) is Griffin’s headshake as she tempts him with her gum.
“Your loss. It’s spearmint, your favorite.” She grins at him, shoving the other half into her mouth before glancing back over at me like she forgot I’m here. “Man, I never imagined Griff settling down with a sweet girl like you. Good for you, babe.” She nudges his leg again.
Babe … BABE!?!
My right eye twitches as I try to hear past the pounding in my ears. He doesn’t acknowledge her flirting, but he doesn’t tell her to stop either. And he’s not telling her to get off my bucket. But even worse … I can tell this is a woman who has had sex with my man and therefore I hate her. And I hate him right now too.
Twenty-two was supposed to be my year of maturity. Epic fail. Maybe twenty-three will be my year.
I clear my throat. Griff looks over his shoulder again.
Crossing my arms over my chest, I bite my lips together for a few seconds to even out my breath. “How much longer will you be?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know. Do you need something?”
Apple pulls her gum out in a long string, then twists it around her tongue. My gaze ping-pongs between the two of them. I suppose she does look more like the kind of woman who would be with a guy like Griffin. She’s sexy and flirty. Clearly she’s confident. And she has tattoos and rides a motorcycle.
It feels like two against one, so I shake my head. “No,” I murmur, turn, and go back inside the house.
“Hold it together.” I give myself another pep talk as I plop down on the sofa, sucking in a shaky breath. I want to cry and kill something at the same time. Stupid runaway mind. I hate that my brain allowed Nate into it in such an intimate way, but I don’t want in his bed, no matter what crazy things worm their way into my head.
Can Griffin say the same thing about Apple? Does he see her and think of me as this huge mistake? I hate that my list for wanting to be with him goes on to infinity, but I can’t imagine that his list would require more than an index card. Where did I lose my self-esteem? Did I ever really have it?
Confident women are attractive. Griffin’s confident and I find it incredibly sexy. What must he think of this person I’ve become … fumbling around for my sense of true self? I can’t find my footing in this life.
Knock. Knock.
Before I can get to the back door, Apple opens it, peeking her head inside.
“Hey, Griff said there’s beer in the fridge. He only has water in the one in the garage.”
“Oh …” I give her a tight smile as I open the fridge door and grab a bottle from the back that we keep for his parents when they come by. “Here.” I hand her the bottle.
She gives me a cringe kind of smile. “One for Griff too.”
“He doesn’t usually drink.”
She shrugs, biting her plump lower lip. “I asked if he wanted one too, and he said ‘sure.’”
I swallow my anger and open the fridge door again, but the anger won’t go down. It sits in my throat, choking me. “You know what …” I slam the door shut. “Tell Griff if he wants a beer he can come inside and get it himself.”
Apple’s pencil-thin brows draw up to peaks. “O—K.” She backs out, easing the door shut behind her.
He won’t come inside. They’ll probably share the bottle I gave Apple. I’m never kissing him again. I will not touch his mouth after he’s wrapped his lips around the same bottle that she’s had hers.
I rub my temples for a few seconds before uncorking a bottle of red wine and pouring a generous glass.
“To Apple.” I raise my glass toward the door. “The woman I will never be.” Moving my glass to the bottle of wine, I clink it. “And to you, my bitter Merlot, the first bottle of wine I will drink in its entirety out of sheer jealousy.”
I gulp down half the glass, expediting the alcohol to my bloodstream, desperate to slow the circus in my brain and numb the pain in my heart.
An hour or two—who knows—later, I no longer see anything red, except the last few drops of wine in my glass. I didn’t quite drink the whole bottle, but I feel … well, I feel nothing. Maybe a little sad that my fiancé is probably sharing a beer in the garage with his ex-lover named Apple. Unless the beer is gone, then they’re probably sharing other things.
“Well, there’s only one way to find out,” I mumble, standing while the room spins a couple of times. I amble outside to the garage, easing the door open just enough to see them before they notice me. He’s putting away his tools while she leans against his workbench just inches from him, resting her hands on it so her chest is shoved out.
Stupid big tits.
“You should come o
ut to California with me sometime. Creed and Kessler would love to see you. One last hurrah before you get hitched to the beer police. What do you say?”
He closes the top drawer to his tool chest. “Don’t call her that.”
Apple smirks. “You know I’m kidding. She’s just not at all what I imagined you settling for.”
“Who said I’m settling?” He grabs a towel and works at the grease on his hands.
I hold my breath.
“Is she pregnant?”
“Fuck you.” He shakes his head, eyes still focused on his hands.
“Again … kidding. You used to like my humor … and other things.”
I could core that fucking Apple. I don’t know what I mean by that, but damn … it just popped into my head. I blame it on the Merlot.
“Just think about making the trip sometime. Okay?”
He doesn’t say anything, but his head bobs into a slight nod.
Yes? He’s going to think about it?
I swallow back the bile that works its way up my throat.
Apple presses two fingers to her lips and then presses those fingers to Griffin’s cheek. “Thanks for fixing my girl.”
“Be careful on your trip.” He looks up.
She smiles.
A slight smile curls his lips.
My heart breaks.
The knot in my stomach tightens, intensifying my nausea.
Before I can close the door, he turns. I let it click shut and run into the house. He saw me. I know he did. Eavesdropping, insecure, crazy Swayze.
I don’t stop until I get to the bathroom, bending over the toilet. Nothing comes up. Damn! I can’t even succeed at a good vomit tonight. After a few seconds, I wash my face with cold water and scrub my teeth quickly. Shooting across the hall, I strip down and slip on a nightshirt before hitting the light switch and hopping into bed.
Pulling the covers up to hide my face, I pinch my eyes shut and let my buzz take over the rest. But I can’t stop thinking about what I heard and what I saw. I can’t stop replaying her touching her kissed fingers to his cheek and him nodding to her invitation.
We were perfect. We were us. What happened? When did the jealousy and resentment build this wall between us? And why do I feel like it keeps getting bigger instead of smaller?
