by Jewel E. Ann
“I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too, Swayze.”
I start to shut the door.
“Swayze?”
“Yeah?”
Tears fill her eyes. “You’ve exceeded my expectations.” She bats the tears away and swallows hard. “I’m so proud of you. And if your father were still alive, he’d say the same thing too.”
Well shit. I thought I was going to squeak by without actual goodbye tears. I guess not.
“Thank you.”
*
I pull out onto the street and think about all the goodbyes. They still suck. Every time. But that doesn’t deter me from making one last stop before I leave town.
“Swayze!” Sherri lights up with surprise.
“Hi.” I step inside.
She hugs me. “How have you been? We’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too. I’m actually just on my way out of town. I wanted to say goodbye.”
“Your mom said you were leaving. She didn’t tell me where you’re going.” Sherri frowns. “But that’s fair.”
Griffin. She’s talking about him and his secrecy.
“There’s nothing to tell.” I shrug. “I’m just following the road until I find a place to land. I don’t have a job lined up yet. No house. Nothing. Just me and the road … and endless possibilities.”
“Oh … well, you be careful.”
“I will.”
“Hey, look who’s here.” Scott comes down the stairs and pulls me in for a hug.
“Girls, Swayze is here. Come say hello,” Sherri yells out back.
The girls rush into the house, practically bowling me over with big hugs. “Where have you been?” Sophie asks.
“Been busy. That’s all. I’ve missed you.”
“Swayze came by to say goodbye. She’s moving,” Sherri says.
“Where are you moving to?” Chloe asks.
“I don’t know. I’m just taking the journey wherever it leads me.”
“I’m so jealous.” Hayley gives Scott and Sherri this look. They roll their eyes.
“Griffin’s coming tomorrow. You’re going to miss him.”
Everyone frowns at Sophie revealing this to me.
I smile. “It’s fine. Tell him hi from me.”
A day. I’m missing him by one day. I could stay. But … I’m not going to.
Fate … I have to believe in it for once. I have to believe it’s got something really great in store for me.
“We will.” Sherri gives me a sad smile.
“Great. So…” I jab my thumb toward the door “…I’d better get on the road.”
We share final hugs and lots of goodbyes. I fight every inclination to cry. I want to be strong for them. I want to be strong for me. But more than anything, I want them to be able to tell Griffin that I’m fine.
I am. I am fine.
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
It’s been two weeks since I set out on this epic journey of self-discovery. I still have no clue who I am, but I’ve enjoyed traveling without a destination and living without expectations.
I’ve managed to get a few design jobs done from hotel rooms along the way. Until I find a teaching job, I need to keep some steady income to support my wanderings.
“What brings you to Salt Lake City?” the apartment manager asks me as I walk around the studio apartment with the best view.
“The mountains.” I laugh. “I don’t know if I’ll stay, but since you’re offering a six-month lease … I think it’s worth a try.”
“You won’t leave.” She winks. “It’s yours if you want it.”
I turn away from the window. “I want it.”
*
I sleep on a cot the first night since I put my furniture in storage until I found a permanent dwelling. The next morning, I call my mom to give her an update. She’s pretty excited about coming to visit me soon.
After calling the moving company, I head out on this gloriously sunny morning to grab some essentials. I’m just happy to not be hopping from one hotel to the next.
Six months.
Salt Lake City has six months to make me fall in love with it.
“I’m already there,” I say to myself, giving the mountain range off in the distance a big smile. Yeah, I love this city. It’s new. It’s big. It’s exciting. And it’s mine.
I’m seriously thinking of changing my name to make this new start a truly fresh one.
Abigail, Abby.
Elizabeth, Beth, or Lizzy.
Jennifer, Jenn.
A good three or more syllable name that has an easy nickname. Maybe I’ll keep Swayze as a middle name out of respect for my parents.
“Samantha, Sam. Ha! Samantha Swayze Samuels.” I snort, as I get out of the car.
I grab a small cart at the entrance. Let’s face it, I’m not going to cook at home that much, but a few staples are a must, like coffee, maybe some wine, chocolate … oh, chips too.
I meander down every aisle, finding more than I had on my staple list. Then I head to the checkout with my overflowing small cart. I should have chosen a big one.
“I need to change my tape,” the cashier says to me before I start unloading my groceries. “Tanya can help you on aisle three.”
I nod, backing my cart out and pushing it two aisles over.
“Shit …” It’s a deep, frustrated grumble.
I freeze. That voice. I’m afraid to look up, but I do it anyway.
The gentleman in front of me in Tanya’s line, aisle three, is giving himself a pat down. “Dammit … I think I left my wallet at home. How the hell did I do that?” With his chin tipped down, he rubs a frustrated hand over his face.
It takes me a few delayed seconds to realize this is not a dream. I fish my credit card out of my wallet and hand it to the cashier. “Here. It’s on me.”
The gentleman eases his head up like any sudden movement could trigger an explosion.
I know the feeling.
He’s handsome. And familiar. The hair is longer but still buzzed short. I notice a new tattoo on his left arm. It looks like a green leaf. Marijuana? No. I actually think it’s kale.
I grin, flicking my gaze up to meet his.
“I have over a hundred dollars in groceries,” he says, wearing the biggest damn smile I’ve ever seen.
“I see that.” I hold up my bag of potato chips. “Two for five. A lot cheaper than that fresh produce and raw nut crap in your bags.”
“How do you know what’s in my bags?”
I lift a single shoulder. “Just a hunch.”
“I’ll need a signature,” Tanya says.
I give him a playful nudge so that he moves out of my way. He’s blocking the credit card reader. My whole body has a whoa-what-the-hell moment when it feels the two seconds of familiar heat from his arm touching mine.
I don’t give him a second glance. He’ll see that heat settling in my cheeks, so I slip my card into my pocket and start loading my groceries onto the conveyor belt.
“Thank you,” he says.
“Mm-hm.” I nod, keeping my back to him.
He leaves the store, and I can breathe again.
“You’re blushing,” Tanya says. “That’s okay.” She pats her face. “I am too. He was hawt! And that was crazy nice of you to buy a stranger’s groceries.”
“No biggie. He would have done the same.”
“You sure about that?”
“Pretty sure.” I smile at her.
Tanya shakes her head. “I’m not so sure. Most guys that look like that are too self-absorbed to do something as selfless as pay it forward.”
“I don’t know.” I swipe my card again to pay for my groceries. “Maybe. But I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt.”
When the entrance doors slide open, I spot the recipient of my generosity leaning against the back of my car with his arms crossed over his chest. Yes, looking hawt!
He pushes off the back of it as I get closer with my cart. I press the button and
the trunk pops open.
“You have a lot of groceries here for someone just passing through town.” He loads my sacks into the trunk for me.
“Ya think?” I grin as he shuts the trunk.
He pulls out his long receipt. “You have a pen?”
I nod.
“Write your name and number on the back of this, so I can repay you.”
I trap my bottom lip between my teeth, controlling my grin. He does the same. There’s an explosive energy between us that hasn’t faded one bit in all these months.
I dig through my purse, internally giggling at fate. After I find a pen, I take the receipt from him and rest it on the car to write my name and number. It’s barely legible, my hand is shaking so much.
He reads it when I hand it back to him, a small grin playing with his mouth. “Samantha, huh?”
I nod, biting back my grin.
“You like your name?”
I nod again, several times quickly.
“Huh.” He shrugs, folding the receipt and sliding it into his front pocket. “Kind of a boring name for a girl like you. Don’t you think?”
“I like boring. Nothing wrong with boring.”
He gives me a thoughtful nod and a furrowed eyebrow, but he plays the game. I love him for playing the game.
“Nice to meet you, Samantha. I’m Griffin.”
I stare at his hand hanging in the space between us. My heart almost stopped when my arm brushed his in the checkout lane. A handshake will do me in for sure.
Wedging my fingers in the front pockets of my denim shorts, I grin. “Nice to meet you too.”
“You’re not going to shake my hand?”
My head inches side to side, eyes wide.
He chuckles. “Why not?”
“Reasons.”
“Reasons … okay.” He withdraws his proffered hand. “I’ll call you and get you some money or figure out a way to properly repay you.”
“Okay.” I clear my throat because I sound like a squeaky mouse. “Okay.” That’s better.
“Later then.” He walks away.
“Oh … no …” I whisper to myself.
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
There is no way this is possible.
Fifty states.
Thousands of cities.
Even more grocery stores.
The most heartbreaking part? It’s been a week since I saw him. A week since he asked for my number. He knew my number … it hasn’t changed. Why didn’t he give me his number? Oh … that’s right, I’m not allowed to call him or know where he lives.
Griffin could be in New Zealand by now. It was an act. Not fate. Not a sign.
Wrong place. Wrong time.
I’ve been to that same store twice since then. He probably now shops at a different store. There’s a Harley dealership here, but I won’t go there. I won’t call.
This past year didn’t rob all of my pride.
At least my furniture arrived, giving my apartment more of a homey feel. Too bad my fresh start already feels stale. It’s going to be a long six months, constantly thinking I could run into him—hoping for it and fearing it at the same time.
I busy myself with design work, join the fitness center down the street, and contemplate applying for my teaching certification here in Utah. I want to teach, but I have a six-month lease.
Aside from the whole avoiding Griffin thing, I love it here. But hide-and-seek is not my favorite game. Then I think … it’s a huge city. He’s doing his best to avoid me, if he’s even still here. Seriously, he could be in New Zealand.
I go back to fate. If I’m meant to stay here, I’ll find a teaching job. It will be a sign.
So that’s what I do. I move forward with my new life.
*
“Swayze!” my mom squeals when I answer my phone, feet propped up on the balcony railing as I sip my wine.
“Geesh, what is it?”
“I shouldn’t tell you this, but I think you need to know. Don’t freak out.”
I chuckle. “Like you’re doing?”
Her long exhale whooshes through the speaker. This must be serious.
“I had lunch with Sherri today. We rarely talk about Griffin … she’s very secretive. But I asked how’s he’s doing. Nothing specific. She said he’s good. Then she asked if she could be honest with me, like a friend, not like your mom. I said yes.
“She said it’s been rough for him, he likes his job, but he doesn’t really have anything outside of his job. But … are you really ready for this?”
I take a big gulp of my wine. “I think so.” I’m not sure. I didn’t tell her I saw Griffin. Did he tell Sherri we saw each other?
“Last week he went on a date. It’s the first date he’s gone on since you two split. Sherri said it went well, and she’s happy for him. I’m happy for him too. And I want you to be happy as well. He deserves happiness too. I know, deep down, you want that for him.”
A week ago. Was that before or after he saw me? That explains why he hasn’t called.
Wow. This is a special kind of pain. Deserving? Probably. But it still hurts.
Fate is not awesome today.
“Yeah.” It’s all I manage to get out of my mouth. Of course I want him to be happy, but for a millisecond, I wondered if I fit in that equation again. False hope.
“There’s one more thing …”
Oh good. There’s more.
I tip back the rest of my wine, desperate for every last drop.
“She asked about you. I told her you rented a place in Salt Lake City. She turned ghost white. The next thing I knew, she was making up some excuse for why she had to get home. Swayze?”
“Mmm-hmm?” I keep my lips bit together.
“I think that’s where Griffin is at. I think he’s in Salt Lake City too.”
“Yeah…” I run a hand through my hair “…I actually ran into him last week. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you getting your hopes up.”
“Are you serious? When? How … what was said?”
“Not a lot. In hindsight, it felt like the official goodbye we never had.” Half-truth. At the time it felt like the start of something. I misread it. So, yeah, in hindsight, it was a goodbye.
“That had to be hard.”
Not as hard as this.
“A little. I’m good. I’m hoping to find a teaching job. I really love it here. And it’s a big city. I think the chances of running into Griffin again are pretty slim.”
“It’s amazing how much life changes in a year.”
I nod, too emotional to say much.
“I’ll let you go. I’m planning on paying you a visit next month.”
“That sounds great. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
I toss my phone onto the chair beside me and pour another glass of wine.
He’s twenty-four. Of course he’s going to date. I’m a little surprised last week was his first since he left six months ago. But maybe he’s been with other women, just not on dates.
He’s twenty-four. Young. Sexy.
I’d be an idiot to think he hasn’t been with someone else. And while it hurts, I can’t be jealous, or mad, or anything. I chose Daisy because at the time it didn’t feel like a choice.
But here’s the bottom line: Griffin killed Doug Mann to keep me safe. That’s an unpaid debt I will carry forever.
So he can date a million women. He can choose to never text or call me again. It’s the pass of all passes.
I owe him my life. He owes me nothing.
CHAPTER FORTY
Another week goes by. He’s not going to call.
Exercise becomes my go-to for my mental health. Whenever I start to feel a pity party coming on, I change my clothes and get my ass to the fitness center down the street. And I don’t come home until I’m ready to pass out.
Some days I make the drive into the mountains to climb a long trail. I like the air up there. I like the clarity. I like how small I feel. It’s whe
re I always find perspective again.
“After you,” a young man holds open the door to my apartment building.
“Thank you.”
“You just move in?” he asks.
“Yeah.” I retrieve the mail from my box at the bottom of the stairs.
He unlocks a box two columns over from mine. “Well, I’ve been here for five years. So if you need someone to help you navigate the area, let me know. I’m in 4A. Sam.” He holds out his hand.
Sam. I grin. He stole my name. Good thing I didn’t make anything legal. Samantha and Sam would never work. I’m not implying I’m looking for anything to work. But since Nate let me go, and Griffin moved on, maybe I should keep my possibilities open for something.
I shake his hand. “Swayze.”
“Swayze. I like that.”
I chuckle. “Don’t. Please. If we’re going to be neighbors of sorts, I want to like you. But if you like my name, I fear we have nothing more to ever discuss.”
Sam laughs. “Fair enough. I hope to see you around soon.”
“Me too.” I smile.
I climb two flights of stairs behind him, and we share one last smile before he continues to the fourth floor while I make my way down the hallway of the second floor, thumbing through my mail. Mostly junk.
As I fish my key out of my pocket, I look up and stop, a little startled.
“Hey,” I say on a breathless exhale.
Griffin pushes off my door, holding up a white envelope. “Grocery money.”
“I gave you my phone number, not my address.” I take the envelope and slip it into my bag.
“Sorry it took me so long to get you the money.” He ignores my address comment.
I slide by him, unlocking my door. He smells of spearmint like he just stuck a new piece of gum in his mouth.
“You didn’t have to repay me at all.” I open the door and drop my bag on the floor.
“I don’t like to be indebted.”
I turn. He leans against the doorframe as I hold the door open.
“You could never be indebted to me.”
The tiniest amount of tension pulls at his brow. Does he know I know?
A little laugh escapes from my chest, a nervous attempt to break this awkward moment. “You don’t have to stand in the hall. You can come inside.”
