“Brent.” I couldn’t stop trembling. “Please. You don’t understand.”
“You’re damn right I don’t,” he growled. “How could I? You fucking don’t tell me anything. And you’re not the only one hurting, you know. My life has pretty much gone to shit, too. You, the baby, my parents, school. I have nothing left.”
Guilt held me to the bed. I knew the fact that his parents were getting a divorce was hard on him. They told him through an email only a week after we lost the baby. The timing couldn’t have been worse. Not to mention school was really out of hand, as well. His grades were slipping, drastically. He mentioned academic probation just last week. And here I was making things worse.
I couldn’t feel anything, anymore. Everything felt like it was for nothing.
Like I was nothing.
“Brent, I’m not trying to make it harder. Honest.”
“I know, but I’m giving you space and it’s doing nothing.” He tongues the inside of his cheek. “Do you want to just give up? Is that it? Is that what you don’t want to tell me? That you don’t love me anymore?”
“Are you kidding me?” I choked. “Are you fucking kidding me? I love you so much and my heart is literally breaking. It’s shattered into a million pieces and I can’t put them back together. I just feel like it’s all over. Like I don’t know what’s left anymore. I can’t…”
“You think I haven’t lost something, too? That I didn’t lose the baby? That it doesn’t affect me?” His eyes became glassy. “And now I’m losing you too. You’re leaving me. You are. You just don’t realize it because you’re taking your time doing it.”
“Oh you think that’s it?” I sputtered. “You think I’m leaving you? You don’t know what this is like. To be haunted every single night by what our life is supposed to be like right now. Every night I go to sleep and I get to see it all. The way you look at me carrying our baby. And every night I get to feel my body bleed only to see the look on your face.”
“How?” he insisted. “How do I look at you?”
“Not the way you did before. Not at all.”
“It’s just a dream,” he groaned. “It’s not real. I don’t blame you for the baby.”
“I tell myself that everyday, but every night it’s still there.” I opened and closed my hands to relieve some of the tension.
“It’s not real.”
Part of me heard every word he said, but he was competing with my stubborn subconscious that was nightly telling me otherwise. I thought I was the reason everything between us went wrong. I was the problem.
Without thinking I wailed, “You fucking don’t get it. It may be a dream but some things are still real.”
“Like what?”
“You! You put a part of yourself inside me. I had you in me. I felt it. I. Felt. It. And I lost it. I. Lost. It. A piece of you died in me. It was you and me, and it died.”
“So you’re blaming me?” He nodded his head, tightening his mouth. “It’s my fault.”
“No. No, Brent. It’s not. It’s not your fault at all. It’s mine. I couldn’t hold us.”
“We talked about this. It’s no one’s fault. The doctor even said so. You were there. You heard him. It’s no one’s fault.” He sighed, letting his shoulders fall. “It happens. It just wasn’t meant to be is all.”
I stared into my lap, registering acutely his last words.
“That’s what scares me the most,” I said just above a whisper.
“What?” Brent stepped closer, almost touching my feet as they hung at the edge of the bed. “What did you say?”
He heard me. Those evil words that crossed my lips landed on his ears.
“Tell me,” he urged. “What?”
“What if it’s a sign?” Putting it all out there I added, “What if we lost the baby because we aren’t meant to be?”
He fumed. His breathing heaved heavily into the empty space.
“You’re serious?” he asked dangerously quiet. “Aren’t you?”
“I don’t know what I am.”
“Wow. Ruby, this…is…something.” His tear-filled green eyes pierced into my equally tearful brown ones. “Really something.” He began to step backwards, pinning me with a wicked glare. “When you figure out what you want, you let me know.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but there was no sound. I felt sick, like I was going to throw up.
“Forget it,” he added. “I don’t want to know.”
Brent didn’t say another word. He spun on his heel, whipped open the door and charged down the hall. There was a soft click as the door fell shut, separating us from one another.
~Present~
Nothing was the same from then on, nor could it be. I was lost and so was he. We apologized to one another, but it didn’t matter. The hurt was done and all that was left were two people with very little to scrape together. We tried to work it out, but in the end decided that a little break was for the best.
We needed to breathe and neither one of us could supply enough oxygen for the other.
Soon after, Brent left for an open try-out process in California to see if soccer would be the answer. It was. For me…well, I searched for answers in all the wrong places. I was such a mess.
“Hey,” Brent calls my attention from the closet area.
“Oh, hey,” I say, dropping my hands.
Silence.
“Let me get your coat.”
I grab his jacket from its hanger and give it to him as he waits for me, leaning on the doorframe.
Taking it in his hand, he holds my attention. I’m at a loss for words, unsure what is the right thing to say. Last night was much heavier than I think either one of us intended.
“I can call a cab for you,” I say, playing with the end of my shirt. “Or you can catch one about three blocks down the street. There are usually a ton this time of day.”
“I can find one.”
Brent shrugs into his jacket and fixes the collar. Stepping forward, he encloses me within his embrace. I join my hands together behind his back and squeeze him tight as his nose gently nudges the space behind my ear. He inhales deeply and I tighten my lids, braving through this farewell. I can break down later, without him here.
“I’m going to call you,” he murmurs. “When I get back to L.A. Is that okay?”
“Sure,” I respond, my voice breaking. “I’d like that.”
Loosening his hold, he kisses me just above my hairline and then steps back completely.
Brent’s lips pucker, twisting to the side.
He makes his way to exit and I follow to let him out. Resting his hand on the doorknob, Brent lets out a heavy sigh, closing his lids.
“Brent?”
“Tell me you’re okay, at least,” he insists, turning to face me.
“I can’t. I’m not going to lie to you.” I force a smile. “But I will be. How about you? How are you doing?”
“I don’t know.” He rubs the back of his neck. “I think I’m worse now than I was before.”
“How so?” I take a step forward, closing in on him.
“I’m not saying this to piss you off or to hurt you, but you really know how to fuck with my head.”
“I’m not trying to.”
“I know you aren’t,” he groans. “But you still are.”
“I’m sorry.” I don’t know how to make this better. How does anything make this better? “I’m sorry for a lot of things.”
My hand rises to meet the ruby gem resting just above my heart. Brent’s eyes land on the same space, as my fingertips rub the stone underneath the cotton. He reaches out, placing his palm over my hand, and then bends his knees so we’re at eye level.
“Did you mean what you said last night?” he questions.
“Which part?”
“About not wanting me to leave?”
“Yes,” I admit, dropping my gaze to the buttons on his coat. “I did.”
He runs a hand through his hair. “I would have waited f
or you, you know.”
“Brent,” I breathe. “I know, but I couldn’t let you do that. I was such a mess and felt like I was just making things worse for you. Everything was falling apart and you needed something good. I just wanted you to be happy and thought that—”
“You thought wrong. All I needed was you.”
“But I couldn’t be there for you. I couldn’t be anywhere for anyone. Even myself.”
Brent hangs his head, pondering at the ground for five audibly counted breaths.
“Then I just have one question.” Lifting my chin, he asks, “Where are you now?”
“Here.” I swallow. “I’m right here.”
“Then I’m still waiting.” He looks straight into that place only he can find. “For you to find your way back to me.”
Author's Note
Many locations in Forgotten Yesterday are based on real places in the City of Chicago. I have a great love for the city, having lived there myself, and wanted to share some of those special locations mentioned throughout this story.
The restaurant where Ruby works is entirely fictional, but Chicago is home to many steakhouses. Some of my favorites include: Wildfire, Morton's, Ruth's Chris, and Gibson's. The atmosphere and food is delightful, in every single one, and so are the cocktails.
That first night Brian takes Ruby to the neighborhood of Wrigleyville, which is well known for its sports bars and of course, the Cubs. I always imagined that they were standing outside one of my favorite pubs, The Irish Oak. They have great music and it’s within a block of Wrigley Field.
The University of Chicago, while not highlighted too often in the book, is located in the neighborhood of Hyde Park, and is by far one of the most beautiful campuses I've ever visited.
In Ruby's dream, where she and Brent go out for her birthday, I always imagined they were at the South Loop restaurant, Gioco. I love the plush interior of that establishment.
In Ruby’s notorious dream, where both her fantasies and nightmares are played out, she and Brent go to Lincoln Park Zoo. I adore that place. It’s free to the public and open year round. Be sure to say hello to the primates for me, they were always a favorite.
The Drake Hotel is iconic to Chicago, and located on the northern end of the Michigan Mile. I highly suggest taking part in the Afternoon Tea.
The restaurant where Ruby and Brent have brunch is based on The Oak Tree Restaurant & Bakery. I always enjoyed taking family and friends to breakfast there. Nothing compares to dining with a bird's eye view of Michigan Avenue.
The hot dog stand with the "insatiable" customer service is based on The Wieners Circle in the neighborhood of Lincoln Park. There’s so much to say about this place, it certainly does have a reputation. Take Ruby's advice...check it out online.
Finally, Lake Michigan. Ruby's comparison of the lake to the city is exactly how I felt when I lived there. You can look out over its horizon and bask in its calm and serenity, whenever you needed a break from the noises and city lights. It truly is a constant and welcomed friend.
Acknowledgements
This little book has been a huge undertaking and I have more than a village to thank. I have an entire city. It’s been a long journey.
Special thanks to Amanda, for holding my hand through every aspect of pain endured while drafting this story over and over, and then over again. For loving and knowing my Brenruby better than I thought any reader ever could. You definitely have visitation rights to this couple.
Mendy, for talking out every new idea I had after my original “fall” with this script. Your ear has been indispensable and so has your encouragement.
Ella and Alyssa, for your support and being there when I needed you. I value you both so much.
Thank you to the many beta readers who have taken the time to look at and read the many versions of this story. MJ, Kelly, Kim, Kimberly, Jen, Cherry, Kristy, Peggy, Bobbie Jo, Kerry, Lauren, Trish, and Brits. Your feedback has helped to shape this tale in many ways. Thank you for answering my many twenty questions—and the thousands of questions after that.
Thank you to everyone who loves Brent and Ruby and for your patience while this part of their story was in the making.
And finally, fate. You frustrate the hell out of me, but in time, I always see that your plan is for the best.
Keep reading for a sneak peek of
Deciding Tomorrow
By
Renee Ericson
Deciding Tomorrow
By Renee Ericson
*Sneak Peek*
"Attention passengers," a female voice alerts overhead. "The captain has started our final descent. At this time, we ask that you please return your seats to their upright position, stow away your tray tables, and any loose items. We will be on the ground shortly."
Pressing the button on the armrest, the seat pulls my body vertical. I stow away the magazine that I feigned to read the entire flight and then look out the window, into the early morning, grey sky. It's nothing but a cloud-filled sky for as far as I can see.
A soft finger brushes my elbow and a rattling sound comes from the passenger next to me.
“Hang on,” says the woman in the middle seat. The child in her lap contorts, twisting his little body around. “I’ll get it.”
She bends over, stretching toward the floor, attempting to reach something. The toddler is blocking her as she tries to maneuver in the small space. Her efforts look exhausting.
“Allow me,” I offer, reaching toward the area at her feet.
“Thank you,” she sighs, relieved.
I snatch up the soft plush giraffe from the floor and hand it into the mother’s waiting hands. She gives it to her son, who immediately puts it in his mouth. So much for germs.
“Thanks again,” she says, adjusting the little boy as he bounces up and down. “It’s so hard travelling with little kids. Especially, on such a long flight like this.”
“I’m sure it is. No problem.”
She wipes the hair from the front of her face. “I can’t wait to get home. We’ve been gone for what feels like forever.”
“Oh, you live in L.A.?” I ask, smiling at the slobbering little guy, sitting on her legs.
“Yes. Well, just outside in one of the suburbs. My son and I were in South Carolina, visiting my mother. I try to make the trip once a year.”
“That must have been nice. I’m sure she was excited to see you two.”
“She was.” Her little boy pulls one of the magazines from the pocket on the back of the seat in front of her. “What about you? You heading home, too?”
“No, I live in Chicago and I’m just coming out for a visit.”
“Oh, are you visiting any one special?”
“Yes.” I smile. “I am.”
Forgotten Yesterday Page 12
