by J. S. Scott
The bruises, scrapes, and lacerations on her face were pretty much healed, but the accident itself was the subject of almost every one of my nightmares.
This shit has to stop!
I’d caused her fall because of my fear that something was going to happen to her, and I was no damn good for Jade. I’d caused her too much pain already, and I wasn’t willing to risk having it happen again because I couldn’t control my instincts when I was around her.
I was fucked up, and I knew it. And for reasons that had nothing to do with her.
I fucking hurt her! I could have killed her because of my insane desire to protect her.
I’d been convincing myself for two weeks that she was better off without me, and I was almost persuaded that I was right.
Kissing her had been a compulsion I hadn’t been able to resist.
But I was absolutely not doing it again.
My guilt over her fall had nearly killed me, and I honestly wasn’t certain that I could go through that again.
The pain.
The terror.
The paralyzing remorse.
Every emotion had eaten me alive while she’d been recovering.
My nightmares had been real, and I never slept after I’d had one. I was too damn agitated to go back to sleep.
I rinsed myself, slammed the shower off, and got out to dry myself.
I cared too damn much, and I was no longer willing to deny it. And that made Jade a danger to my sanity.
If I fuck her, I’m done.
As hard as it was going to be, I had to cut her out of my life.
I’d get over it.
I’d get over her.
And she’d be safe because I wouldn’t be there to screw up her life.
If she was no longer around, she’d fade away and eventually just be a distant memory.
My chest ached, and I felt empty. In a matter of weeks, Jade Sinclair had turned my whole world upside down.
I needed it upright again.
I had to sleep. I had to eat. I had to not have a damn erection every single moment I spent with her.
My life was all about order and balance. I had too much responsibility not to maintain a cool head.
I tossed the used towel into the hamper and walked into my bedroom buck naked, knowing I didn’t have long to get ready for the gala.
My tux had already been hung on the door of the closet, so I reached inside a drawer to get a pair of boxer briefs.
As I pulled out the underwear, my eyes landed on a little red box that I’d put there soon after I’d brought Jade home from the hospital.
I wanted to just slam the drawer closed, but I couldn’t. So I picked up the box, and as I opened the lid, I felt my chest squeeze inside my sternum.
After the accident, I’d had a moment of temporary insanity and I’d bought the ring.
I’d thought I was ready to make a commitment because I hadn’t been able to imagine a life without her anymore.
The large diamond in a platinum setting was bright and fiery. It had reminded me of her.
I can’t do it. I can’t.
Nothing I felt about Jade was the slightest bit rational. I’d do something stupid again, and I’d hurt her. Yeah. Maybe I wouldn’t mean to, but there’s no coming back from death.
God knew that nobody understood that better than I did.
I wasn’t thinking about all the ramifications of a relationship when I bought this ring.
I slammed the lid closed.
“What in the hell was I thinking?” I muttered in a graveled voice.
I stuffed the box into the back of the drawer.
Not. Happening.
I was not going to marry her, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to stay around to make her life miserable.
I slammed the drawer closed.
Jade didn’t need a ring.
She needed a man who was always going to be there, somebody who wasn’t going to go bat-shit crazy if she so much as tore a fingernail.
That kind of behavior wasn’t normal.
It wasn’t healthy.
And it sure as hell wasn’t rational.
I need to get my control back.
I was also going to need some distance. It was the only thing that was going to help.
Jade wasn’t the type of woman any guy could walk away from easily.
She’s going back home tomorrow.
And damned if just the thought of not having her in my life all the time brought up an answering protest that I felt deep in my gut. In fact, it fucking hurt so bad I could barely breathe.
“Shit!” I rasped. “I’m so fucked.”
I walked into the bathroom to shave, trying desperately not to think about what was going to happen.
Because honestly, I had no idea how I was ever going to walk away from Jade.
CHAPTER 20
JADE
“A little more at the corner of your eye,” Brooke instructed me as she watched me apply my makeup in the mirror via an Internet video chat.
It had taken some doing, but I’d managed to get my laptop set at an angle where she could help me figure out all this makeup stuff.
I flicked the brush lightly in the corner of my eye. “When did makeup become a damn science?” I asked her.
We’d gone through a painstaking process of doing an evening makeup job, and I wasn’t sure I liked it.
Sure, I occasionally put on a little lipstick, and maybe some mascara, but for the most part, I wore nothing because I was outside in the middle of nowhere in all different kinds of weather. Generally, none of the stuff I was piling on my face worked in my usual environments.
Brooke laughed. “Honestly, I don’t usually fuss with that much makeup, either. But one of the local ladies had a class at the rec center, and I learned a lot. I’m trying to share my knowledge with you. You said you wanted to look good.”
I sighed. “I do.”
Brooke talked me through the rest of the process, and when I finally stepped back, I was reasonably satisfied. “I guess this is as good as it gets,” I told my twin.
“Turn,” she requested.
I turned around and took off the towel I was wearing like a bib to keep any stray makeup off my dress, and then stepped back so she could see me.
“Perfect,” she said. “You look beautiful, Jade.”
I moved to the desk, put the computer down, and sat in front of the screen. “Are you sure? Don’t you think it’s a little over the top?”
Brooke made a face. “Absolutely not,” she argued. “Not everybody can rock that dress the way you do, and it’s a dinner and cocktail party full of rich people who are going to dress up. You look amazing.”
Skye had talked me into the black cocktail dress. She said it was sexy without being slutty. It was fitted, so it clung pretty tight to my body, but with the round neck and the cowl that hung down low in the back, it was also elegant. I loved the black lacy sleeves that were snug on my arms, but not too tight. The hem hit right above the knee.
“I’m not used to wearing a dress,” I told Brooke.
“You wore one at my wedding,” she reminded me.
“I did that for you,” I mumbled.
“Then wear this one for yourself,” she insisted. “Or are you doing it for Eli?”
“Maybe a little of both,” I conceded. “He pulled all this together for me. I want to look nice.”
“Sister, you look better than nice,” Brooke answered. “He’ll be drooling all night.”
Did I want Eli to drool? Yeah, it was quite possible that I did.
“He’s barely touched me since the accident,” I admitted. “I guess maybe I want to get his attention, too.”
“Oh, Jade. You already have it,” she assured me. “If you could have seen how upset he was when you were hurt, you’d know that. The guy hardly ate or slept.”
“I know. I could see that after my drugs wore off. But he’s been different, Brooke. I don’t know how to explain it, but
he’s . . . distant.”
“You were recovering from some major trauma,” she pointed out.
I couldn’t exactly put a finger on the difference, but it worried me. “I hope you’re right.”
“Do you love him?” she asked in a rush. “No, wait. I’m your twin. I know you do.”
I nodded slowly. “I do. I’m not sure when it happened, but it scares the hell out of me.”
“I know he feels the same way, so I’m not worried. The fear goes away, Jade,” she said softly. “I promise.”
“He made it clear that he wanted me in his bed, Brooke. But emotions weren’t part of the deal. He’s not the type of guy who wants any commitments. He already told me that.”
“He’s full of shit,” Brooke answered. “Eli Stone is so in love with you that he can’t think straight. Maybe this all started as a game or a fling, but somewhere along the way, everything changed.”
“For me it definitely did,” I confessed.
“For him, too,” she insisted. “Things don’t always work out the way you plan them, but that’s the best part of life. The surprises.”
“Like Liam?” I asked with a smile. I adored my twin’s husband, but I couldn’t help but wish that he had lived in California.
Brooke’s face softened, and her eyes danced just from hearing his name. “Liam and I shouldn’t have worked out at all. But somehow I think I always knew that he was the only guy I was ever going to love. It starts as lust, and then . . . bam! I couldn’t live without him anymore.”
“He makes you happy,” I said.
“Very,” she confirmed.
“I really want to hate him because he took you across the country from me, but I can’t,” I told her.
“It doesn’t matter,” she said. “We’ll always be there for each other. When you got hurt, Liam was the one who packed the bags while I freaked out. But there was no question as to whether or not I was going. He gets that, and he wanted to be there, too. Liam is special that way. When I need him, he’s just there without question.”
“At least getting to see each other isn’t an issue when we have access to private jets,” I joked.
“Exactly,” she said. “And now that I’m back from traveling, we’ll talk to each other all the time. I miss all of you.”
“We miss you, too,” I said tearfully.
“Don’t start crying,” she warned. “All that makeup will run.”
I blinked furiously to keep from leaking any tears from my eyes. “I’ve got it under control.”
“Have fun, Jade. And enjoy your night with a really hot guy. You’ll be the envy of most single women around the world.”
I groaned. “Oh, God. I never even thought about that.”
To me, he was just Eli. To everybody else, he was the most eligible bachelor in the world.
She laughed. “Don’t think about it, then.”
We kept things light before we finally said good-bye.
And for the first time, I ended my conversation with my twin without being really sad.
Yeah, sometimes I felt Brooke’s absence, but I knew that no matter how many miles separated us, we’d always have that twin bond that could never be broken.
And we could breach that distance any time we needed to see each other or spend time together.
Our inheritance had made flying across the country pretty easy.
“Hey, you ready?” I heard Eli’s baritone ask as he came through the sitting room.
I stood, feeling nervous as hell in a skin I wasn’t quite used to.
“Oh, my God,” I said breathlessly as he appeared in the small powder room.
I’d been so busy being self-conscious that I hadn’t even thought about the fact that Eli would be nicely dressed, too.
I already knew he was breathtaking in a suit.
But I wasn’t prepared to see him in a tuxedo.
“You look . . . perfect,” I murmured.
Eli reminded me of a certain sweet that a person craves. You know it isn’t exactly good for you, but you want it just the same. He was pure temptation, and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to not take more than just one bite.
He wore a tuxedo just like he wore a custom suit. He looked comfortable in formal wear, and he wore it with an elegance and sophistication that most guys could never quite pull off.
“Jesus, Jade,” he said in a raspy, low voice when he came to a stop in front of me. “Are you trying to kill me?”
“No,” I answered honestly. “I was trying to make sure I looked good on the arm of the hottest man at the party.”
“You look beautiful,” he said, his tone not completely happy. “What did you do to your hair?”
I turned, showing him the upswept style that Skye had taught me to do. “Cocktail-party hair.”
It was a fairly easy pattern that was held in place by a giant silver clip, and left some tendrils curling along the side of my face.
“It makes me want to pull it out so I can feel it,” he said hoarsely.
I turned back to him. “I think that’s the idea,” I responded lightly.
“And that dress is going to fuck with my mind all damn night.”
“I’m covered,” I said, secretly adoring the look of lust in his gorgeous, stormy eyes as they moved covetously down my body before they traveled up again to my face.
“Let’s go,” he rumbled as he took my hand.
His statement was abrupt, but I didn’t take offense as I grabbed my little black bag. I smiled as I followed him as fast as my stiletto heels would allow me to move, knowing my objective of looking good on his arm had been achieved.
CHAPTER 21
JADE
We’d been at the party for over an hour, and everyone was still staring in our direction. Eli hadn’t left my side, and we’d attacked the buffet full of food together.
I’d had more than one drink to try to relax. But it hadn’t helped all that much.
“I feel like I’m in a fishbowl,” I said to Eli as we mingled. “Everyone is watching you.”
Just like he’d promised, he’d introduced me to so many people that I’d already forgotten most of their names.
He leaned in closer. “They aren’t looking at me,” he answered. “They’re all looking at you.”
“Thanks,” I answered. “That makes me feel so much better.”
“You’ll get used to it. The interest in a new billionaire among their ranks wears off, and they move on to the next unfamiliar person who shows up. It hasn’t been all that bad, right?”
Had it been all that bad? I guess it hadn’t been as big of a nightmare as I’d assumed. “Not bad,” I agreed. “So many of these people have the same concerns as everyone else I know. And I’m amazed at how many of them already donate to conservation causes.”
He grinned. “I won’t say that I told you so.”
“But you want to,” I said with an answering smile. “And I have no problem telling you that you were right.”
Curious stares aside, the majority of the people I’d met talked about their spouses, their kids, and their causes first. It wasn’t that they weren’t discussing billion-dollar deals, but it was all part of the general conversation, just like any person would discuss their jobs. It just so happened that these folks dealt in much bigger dollars than most when it came to their businesses.
“If I steered you away from somebody, it was for a good reason. Just like any other group of people, not everybody is nice,” he warned.
“That’s true at almost any get-together,” I observed.
He nodded. “But there’s definitely more than a few guests here tonight that have pretty sharp claws.”
“If you’re trying to warn me about your previous girlfriends, I’ve already seen them,” I said with a frown.
There were megarich businessmen everywhere, but I’d recognized some faces of celebrities as we’d worked our way around the large venue. Of course, I couldn’t help but notice that more than a few of the gor
geous women here had once been on Eli’s arm—in just the same position I was at the moment.
“None of them were girlfriends,” he denied.
“Then what were they?”
“Arrangements,” he answered in a clipped voice. “They wanted the same thing I did.”
I shook my head slowly. “I don’t think they did. Most of them are among the people staring. And those women are looking at both of us. Did you break it off when you got bored?”
For so many reasons, I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear his response.
“Yes.”
That one simple word made my heart stutter. Maybe Eli and I had become friends of a sort, but I wasn’t any safer than any of the other women he’d gotten bored with in the past.
This was never meant to be long term. I accepted that. So I’m going to have to play by the rules.
I was silent for a moment as I stared out into the crowd.
Finally, I leaned into him so my mouth was close to his ear. “Promise me that you’ll tell me when this is over,” I requested softly. “I’d rather we stay friends.”
I didn’t want to be the woman he’d once dumped if we met up somewhere after our time together was over. I didn’t want there to be a time when we couldn’t meet up with no regrets on either side.
He leaned closer. “I can’t be your friend, Jade. I can never be your friend.”
My heart sank. The conviction in his voice was real. Nothing was ever going to come of this dysfunctional relationship I had with Eli. Like he intended, it was going to be a mutually pleasurable arrangement until one or both of us decided we didn’t want it anymore.
“Okay,” I said in a quiet voice as I glanced up at him.
Maybe I was imagining things, but I swore I saw a brief expression of vulnerable indecision in his eyes before it promptly disappeared. “Jade, I—”
“Don’t,” I interrupted him. “We both knew what we were getting into from the beginning. You made yourself perfectly clear. No commitments. And I was the one who decided to accept it.”
I didn’t want his sympathy because I’d gone and fallen for him just like the other women in the room who were gawking at him with longing expressions.
